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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

I think I am finally broken…

34 replies

Sinequa · 08/10/2023 19:37

I’ve posted before about my DD’s behaviour. We’ve tried different avenues but the cycles of violence/very poor behaviour continue. Today, I feel broken and wonder if we’ll ever be able to have a loving relationship. Today’s events stemmed from an issue about phone access. During a meltdown, she said that she wished I would die of cancer like my dad did because we both ‘deserved’ it. Then she said that it was just as well that I had had (3) miscarriages because I’m such a terrible parent. Do other teens really say stuff like this to their parents? As at right now, I can’t even look at her never mind be the bigger person and forgive.

OP posts:

thecatinthetwat · 08/10/2023 19:39

She is very very angry with you. Has there been a big build of resentment here?

mikado1 · 08/10/2023 19:40

I'm sorry, I haven't seen your previous posts so I don't know DD's background/previous behaviour, but I couldn't read and not comment. Sounds very hard and upsetting. I would be very understanding and empathetic , but I think I'd absolutely let her stew on this one. Nothing wrong with you being upset and showing her that. 💐

Dacadactyl · 08/10/2023 19:42

I said stuff like that to my mum when I was a teenager too.

We didn't have a good relationship then and it's only "okay" now. We are very different people and she is (still) very controlling.

Of course I regret saying it to her, because I understand she was only trying to guide me in the right way at the time.

I don't know what you can do, other than hope she grows out of it. Sorry, I know that's not very helpful.

OhComeOnFFS · 08/10/2023 19:44

Those are terrible things to say to anyone, let along her own mother.

How old is she?

cowgirl42 · 08/10/2023 19:44

Stay strong! Control the device time as best you can. It really damages young people.

As hard as it is remember it is just words and she is probably taking her grief out on you. You are the closest person to her so you will always get the worst of the behaviour which is bloody tough! It’s almost like they are toddlers again.

fattytum · 08/10/2023 19:46

how old is she? 18, she leaves. 13 that isn't an option yet. obviously

Original poster

Sinequa · 08/10/2023 19:48

thecatinthetwat · 08/10/2023 19:39

She is very very angry with you. Has there been a big build of resentment here?

No - it really was about phone access. She uses it too much and we’re trying to work with her to reduce the time she spends so we avoid battles. She’d promised to come for a walk this morning and the deal was she’d get her phone after. She refused to come so I said I would switch off her data until we got home. We left at 10 and this all kicked off after we got home at noon. Even if she was angry, this was disproportionate to losing two hours of phone time.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sinequa · 08/10/2023 19:50

OhComeOnFFS · 08/10/2023 19:44

Those are terrible things to say to anyone, let along her own mother.

How old is she?

Nearly 13 so not even really a teen yet.

OP posts:

PurpleRadish · 08/10/2023 19:51

Oh, wow, that's very mean. I am not sure how I would react. I think I would try and remind myself she is being very dim but it would sting a lot. Try and rise above. She will regret it soon enough. Although even as I'm saying this I don't know how could you could do that with the comments about miscarriage. I am so sorry.

(I do wonder if you're being ott with the phone rules but her language is despicable here and rightly the focus.

ThreeLeggedPug · 08/10/2023 19:52

Has she the capacity to reflect? Does she apologise afterwards, even if it’s a few days after?

Does she explode like this often? What are the triggers day to day?

She sounds incredibly unhappy and is communicating this very clearly.

What are her relationships like with others outside of the family? Does she enjoy school? Clubs? Friends?

Does she see a counsellor? She needs help to be able to explore her feelings and express herself.

Does she have autism or other diagnosis?

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 08/10/2023 19:54

I've just read a couple of your previous threads. Did she see CAMHS in the end?

NoIcePlease · 08/10/2023 19:56

I've just skimmed through your previous thread op. You said in March something like if someone had told you six months before what she'd be like you wouldn't have believed it. And that she excels in school, has friends, is part of teams etc.

In all honestly it doesn't sound normal to me, no. Not for such horrific, violent behaviour to come on so suddenly. And if she controls it in school then it doesn't seem as though she might have a mental illness or be SEN.

It sounds to me like a child who's experienced trauma or abuse and is lashing out at people nearest her because of that.

Can you pinpoint when the behaviour started and what was going on in her life at that time?

PlipPlopChoo · 08/10/2023 20:03

It might need to get worse before it gets better. Do you confiscate the phone at night? Is she getting enough sleep or up all night messaging people and watching videos? Do you set a good example about phone usage too?

Wolfcub · 08/10/2023 20:11

OP as someone who has been where you are, and who never thought it would get better (even social services couldn't get ds to see his behaviour was abusive), it will improve and you will come out of the other side of it. What I would say is get some emotional support for you, or mental health support, I didn't and I'm sure that made it even harder than it already was. Ds still has flashes of awful and tends to respond to things in a very "big" way and there are definitely rows but I no longer think I'm going to be hit and my home is no longer deliberately damaged. Hang in there

Mariposista · 08/10/2023 20:15

Goodness me. What an absolutely vile temper she has. So so sorry. I know she is your child but hard to love anyone who talks like that.
Only serious family mediation can put the right OP.

Octopus45 · 08/10/2023 20:18

@Sinequa I feel for you, I'm pretty sure that my 13 year old DS hates me. He's just given me a mouthful cause he said there was nothing for dinner. He's told me that he house is much better when I'm not in it. In a few days, unfortunately I'm going to have to tell him I have a cancer diagnosis.

In your shoes when she said that about your miscarriages, I would have wanted to say ' well it is a good job cause the kids might have been like you'. Not helpful I know.

MrsCarson · 08/10/2023 20:23

13 is a horrible age. I didn't get that kind of hate language from my Dd but sometimes the air was thick with anger and you could just feel it.
I'd probably have reacted by taking the phone and not giving it back for a very long time. Whether it would have helped I don't know but at 13 she doesn't really need to have it if she can't control herself.
I never spoke to anyone ever like that, even at 13 when I was probably horrible too.

Ratsoffasinkingsauage · 08/10/2023 20:37

You have every right to draw a boundary here. What she did was abusive and awful. And to some extent she probably knows that.

I’d let today pass and then sit down- in a less stressful time and talk to her about what she said. You have to draw that boundary for yourself or she is going to begin to think that it is okay to treat people like that.

I day this as someone who works with struggling teens. What they all really crave is consistency and boundaries and sense of belonging. Can you give her more control and ownership of her phone time- two hours a day but when she pleases. Set up screen time so that she can’t access after that time. She’s looking for a sense of autonomy and phone really bring out the worst in kids.

illbeinthegarden · 08/10/2023 20:38

Do you know what she is doing online? Is she accessing inappropriate stuff or being groomed or involved in something she can't untangle herself from?

When my boys where younger they used (unbeknownst to me) VPNs to bypass the house Wi-Fi security stuff and I know teens can hide apps within other normal apps such as calculator etc.

It's so hard when the normal consequences snd parenting doesn't seem to be working and it just makes everything so explosive.

Peachonthebeach · 08/10/2023 20:40

Op been where you are . skimmed through your other thread..Have you had her assessed for asd , and have you considered pmdd?
Also. Could she be involved with cannabis (not just smoking, but edibles , vapes or anything else?

Ratsoffasinkingsauage · 08/10/2023 20:41

Good point about what she’s been accessing. If this is a very big change in personality then you might want to talk to school about her friendships and that you are seeing red flags at home. It is possible they’ve noticed things too.

mikado1 · 08/10/2023 20:42

Honestly, I think getting more entrenched on phone restrictions or bans today won't help. It will just grow resentment and minimise the cooperation you're after. In general, I think it sounds like you all might need to keep going back to the drawing board and phone use until you get a plan that works for you all. And the usual, if she's old enough to have a phone, she's old enough to understand the responsithat come with it. Honestly I don't think they are old enough to deal with the impact of phone usage etc but I know that's a much bigger and more general issue for all parents. I agree with a pp wrt figuring out what's happened. Do you manage close conversations together at times?
Octopus45 sending the very best of wishes 💐

superninny101 · 08/10/2023 20:46

NoIcePlease it is actually very common for a child with SEN to 'mask' at school and fall apart at home. It is also very common for children with ASD (and PDA) and ADHD to more or less cope during primary and fall apart in secondary when the social demands etc. ramp up.

cptartapp · 08/10/2023 20:48

Is her dad around?

ThreeLocusts · 08/10/2023 20:53

OP just to say, as the mother of two daughters who have been horrible at different times for different reasons, I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.

There could be many different reasons why it's happening. It doesn't have to mean that something is seriously wrong. But as a pp said I'd try to think back to how it started and explore whether there could be a crisis somewhere in her life that you hadn't quite realised.

It's bloody hard and chances are you'll feel broken more than once. I think it's OK to show hurt, without shouting. The best expert advice I got is that maintaining calm, not feeding the drama, not letting her get a rise out of you is important. Making clear calmly what's not OK, but also showing love, when you're ready for it.

Things are gradually getting better in our house. It's a slog, but I guess it's what we signed up for having kids.

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