I think I am finally broken…

[Sinequa]

I’ve posted before about my DD’s behaviour. We’ve tried different avenues but the cycles of violence/very poor behaviour continue. Today, I feel broken and wonder if we’ll ever be able to have a loving relationship. Today’s events stemmed from an issue about phone access. During a meltdown, she said that she wished I would die of cancer like my dad did because we both ‘deserved’ it. Then she said that it was just as well that I had had (3) miscarriages because I’m such a terrible parent. Do other teens really say stuff like this to their parents? As at right now, I can’t even look at her never mind be the bigger person and forgive.

Loads of suggestions upthread here OP.

Another thing to consider also is her hormones- is there a cycle to her temper? If there's a great imbalance then this might need investigating, if she'd be will to chat things through with a doctor?

I can't imagine saying that to my Mother at a similar age, the fall out would have been the end of days type stuff, the clouds would have ominously gathered in the sky, the earth would have been rent asunder, eggs would have been laid foul, dogs would miaow, you get the picture ? There would have been hell on earth ! with the added bonus of my Dad looking really disappointed !

No matter what the reason she should not be saying such things. Take the phone and tell her she can have a week without and that she can take that time to really think about what she said. Unless there was an apology i wouldn't be giving her the phone back. Too many excuses are made these days for such vile behaviour.

Yes, DD said things as bad as that, I am ashamed to say. And still does sometimes (now 26). Also smashes things. She works her frustrations re. relationships, exams, money, friendships and body image out on us. And has since started secondary school. Therapy has made it significantly better.
DS was difficult and bad tempered and just as hard to live with, weed, weed induced paranoia, very, very lazy, also a smasher of things, but didn't say the things that hurt the most. He (now 29) is better is a lot of ways, althoughstill bone idle and knows everything.

I don't know the answer, but I sympathise completely. I do know that we spoilt them, as a direct result of our own miserable childhoods, we gave them too much and tolerated too much.

my kids have never spoken to me like that and if they did, I’d come down on them like a ton of bricks. The rare occasions they have been rude have been nipped in the bud and had consequences.

Sodding phones and social media. They're not good at all for kids, are they?

I don’t think that is normal or acceptable teen or not.. if my ds16 or dd17 ever spoke to me like that l would remove their phones indefinitely and ground them … l would be LIVID
Like a pp said any bad behaviour or inkling of rudeness has always been stamped out straight away… we just don’t speak to each other like that..
They can be angry and get a bit snappy as do we on occasion, but l expect them to contain anger and go for a walk/ run and calm down.
lf w e are irritated we apologise pretty soon after and expect the same.

Thanks everyone for your input. Lots to think about. Interesting split between posters who say let the phone/device restrictions go a little vs those who say minimise exposure at all costs. I’m still torn.

To address a few questions:

CAMHS appt is booked for 12 Nov. Consequently, GP is not now interested.

The programme we were on the wait list for had been shut down (no funding).

We have gone over and over the history of the events but cannot identify any trigger or trauma or anything else which might explain what is happening.

I just wonder if she’s not a nice human being. I know that I’ll be rightly criticised for typing those words but feel so bad for her sibling. DH and I, as adults, can rationalise things to an extent but an 8 year old shouldn’t be called ‘fat fucking bitch’ before school…

Thanks again for reading. I’ve told some friends about all this but no one else really knows the full extent.

First of all I'm so sorry to hear as no one deserves to be told such hateful things

No one , even teenagers, go from perfect to this without reason

It's likely something she doesn't know how to express/ talk about with you, and likely has nothing to do with you but unfortunately your the one who she's lashing out at

I was exactly the same , maybe not as young and to the same extent, but it was a mixture of being bullied, having low self esteem ( which is hard to imagine when someone can say such cruel things so easily) and undiagnosed dyslexia

She likely doesn't know how to express what's upsetting her and it's coming out in an extremely toxic way

I'd honestly get her into a talking therapy asap and speak to the school ( to see if bullying/ SEN could be it)
she needs a way to express what it is that's wrong and at that age we just don't know how

I know it's hard but she honestly doesn't mean it and it's only because your the closest to her ( although it doesn't feel it)