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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Dinner battle

46 replies

Pixioneeye · 03/10/2023 10:24

Not sure if this is the right section…. So sorry I’m advance

My partner is clashing with my DD over food.

My partner is a big cook and food/big family meals is his love language.

it’s hasn’t always been smooth sailing with my partner and my DD - she’s 15 - lots of “your not my dad etc” - but I thought we were over this.

My partner is cross that he has made meals and despite being asked what she want for dinner/would you like this? Has just sat at the table like a zombie, grunting when asked questions and pushing her fork about. My DS (17) chats happily and eat’s pretty much everything.

Money has been tight lately and my partner is also paying quite a lot in child maintenance - and he worries that his DDs (16 & 14) are just eating junk at home.

Last night it came to a head and my partner has said that tonight DD has to go to her dads for dinner - I have backed him up, telling DD that money is tight, we can’t afford to keep making dinners that go in the bin. But she’s now accusing me “sending her away” My partner has invited his DDs tonight to have dinner with us (and my DS).
Part of me understands why my DD feels left out - but I also understand my partner’s point of view.

Advice please on how to navigate this!
Is he being OTT?
Should I stand firm with my DD?

help!! xx

OP posts:
littleripper · 03/10/2023 10:26

If she does not eat her dinner what happens? What is he making for everyone - does she have elements of choice?

madamreign · 03/10/2023 10:28

What are they actually fighting about?

Why does it matter if she doesn't eat it? She goes hungry if money is tight and there is nothing else. That's her decision.

Whataretheodds · 03/10/2023 10:29

It's not clear from your post what, specifically, your daughter is doing wrong.
Not eating her dinner?
Eating slowly?
Not participating in conversation?

Original poster
Pixioneeye · 03/10/2023 10:36

Sorry - was a bit vague.

My DD (and my DS) are given input into the dinners. And my partner makes meals that they “say” they like.

My partner sees the evening meal as a really important part of the day - likes everyone to talk about their day and everyone chat etc

DD dosent always participate in the conversation - just grunting responses and hardly touching her food.

To be honest I think my partner still feels guilty about leaving his wife /DDs etc (3+ years ago) He was the main cook etc - and his DDs have been eating a bit of junk lately.

I think he is probably projecting his guilt onto my DD - “my kids would love this meal, why aren’t you eating it”

OP posts:
Antst · 03/10/2023 10:40

Frankly, I can't think of a worse way to think about this or handle it. You need to take a major step back and think over what's happening. Remember, while you're doing that, that many relationships fail after divorce. Do you really want to alienate your daughter.

  1. Your daughter is NOT responsible for your decision or your partner's decision to divorce or have children. If your partner is having financial problems because he is paying child maintenance, then that is 100% on him, not your daughter. If you're having financial problems because of your partner, then that is on you for getting involved with a man who can't afford to be in this relationship.
  2. It is your responsibility to feed her. You have had to buy the food whether it's on the plate or in her belly. So there is no reason to tell your daughter she is responsible for your financial problems because she is wasting food.
  3. Yes, you and your partner can choose to be unpleasant and provide food she doesn't like, but that will make her hate both of you. Your decision.
  4. She is being made to live with a man she doesn't like and who clearly doesn't like her after your divorce must have upended her life. How are you surprised that she isn't happy? She's 15 and of course she isn't going to like being made to live with another one of your decisions that has created chaos in her life.

I agree with madamreign that you don't seem to understand what your problem is here. I'm getting a strong "stand by your man" vibe from you though. You want to support your partner no matter what, but your job is to integrate your partner into your family.

If you choose to encourage this man's pointlessly unpleasant attitude towards your daughter, I predict you're going to end up regretting it later on when she is much better able to advocate for herself. Right now, she is able to express herself by sulking and she has to put up with both of you because she is too young to support herself. As an adult, she'll be able to say exactly what she thinks and show her feelings with her feet. I would watch out.

RatherBeRiding · 03/10/2023 10:41

Your partner sees evening meal as an important part of the family day. Your DD obviously does not. Why does his viewpoint trump hers? She would probably much prefer to eat her dinner in companionable silence and join in the conversation if/when she feels like it rather than feeling under an obligation to 'perform' and tell everyone about 'her day'. She's 15 for heaven's sake! It's probably torture for her to feel she has to partake of this lovely family chat whether she wants to or not. I'd have bloody hated that when I was 15. Leave the girl be. If she doesn't want her dinner, put it in the fridge and heat it up at a later stage rather than binning it.

And maybe have a word with your partner about his obvious projection. It's not your DD's fault he is feeling guily.

Gcsunnyside23 · 03/10/2023 10:42

Where you're going wrong us by letting the kids have such a say in dinner. Yes a bit of input but if they don't like it you don't change it or make a brand new dinner. I'd she doesn't eat it then fine but no snacks after. I wouldn't be sending her to her dad's just because your new husband has the hump she won't eat it. Also why are you letting him clearly project his personal guilt on your daughter. It's not your daughters fault hes not with his ex wife and kids. Tell him to back off and pick his battles. You said there he's already been issues of her saying he's not her dad so this goes deeper and you both need to be careful around that. Also she's 15, what 15 year old wants to sit around chatting about their day at dinner (especially with step dad who's chastising her for not praising his cooking)

AlltheFs · 03/10/2023 10:42

Your partner is being a dickhead. Support your child, not him!

Conversation is not compulsory, maybe she just doesn’t want to. if she chooses not to eat then she doesn’t get more food. But if it was cooked to be eaten it doesn’t matter if it isn’t if she isn’t eating anything else.

You can’t send her elsewhere for that, that’s horrid. Teenagers can be sullen etc but it’s not going to get better by picking at her and then sending her away. Poor kid.

MrTiddlesTheCat · 03/10/2023 10:43

Is this for real? You've sent your DD away to placate your partner. And while she's not allowed to be there you're having his daughters over.

If I were your DD I'd never come back.

titchy · 03/10/2023 10:46

So he's projecting his guilt to your dd and you think it's ok that she's the recipient of this, so much so that you boot her out to her dad's.

Wow, great parenting....

Start saving for her therapy cos she'll be needing it.

Alternatively send a rocket up your dp's arse and both of you tell your dd that you have made a mistake, reacted wrongly and apologise to her.

In the future your dp puts a big dish in the middle of the table and everyone helps themselves. If she doesn't eat it that's ok. If she doesn't feel like chatting that's ok. Perfectly reasonable to expect her to remain at the table, but don't force food or an expectation of conversation on her.

Leftovers get frozen - so why the angst about wasting food.

Beamur · 03/10/2023 10:47

I think he is probably projecting his guilt onto my DD - “my kids would love this meal, why aren’t you eating it”

Yes I think so too. Your children are not his substitute family.
If I were you in this situation I would be furious. But not with my DD.
Seriously, leave her alone. She doesn't want to play at happy families at mealtimes.
I suspect she's pretty unhappy and is acting up at mealtimes precisely because it's causing upset and drama. Instead of punishing her, maybe talk to her instead? I am astonished that you are allowing your partner to send her to her Dad's because she won't eat his food. Is his ego that fragile?

coldcrossbun · 03/10/2023 14:04

What exactly is the problem?

That she's not eating what/as much as you/your DP thinks she should?

She's 15, she's more than capable of monitoring her own hunger levels. Maybe she's just not that hungry. Or maybe these forced meals playing 'happy families' make her anxious, I know I struggle to eat when I'm anxious. And someone then pointing out or even worse berating how little I've ate makes it even worse.

That's she's not being chatty and gracious?

Not everyone feels like being chatty with dinner. Much like some people are tired in the morning and don't want to chat over breakfast others feel the same about dinner. Not to mention it all sounds very performative. Pretending to play all happy families over dinner when there are clearly underlying issues. And rather than addressing these you send her away when she refuses to 'perform'.

I hate these forced family dinners. I had a boyfriend who's family always insisted on them no matter what. But then if anyone had plans which meant dinner had to be particularly early/late they'd insist on all eating together at the weird time whilst simultaneously complaining about how inconvenient it was to eat at this time. They also used to always act dismayed if I didn't eat much but then also 'joke' about how they should've made more if I did eat more one time, making me self conscious no matter what - some times it just different levels of hungry. In my family we had a much more relaxed attitude to dinner/food. Some nights something would be made and we'd all be ready to eat when it was ready so we'd eat together. Other days if one of us wasn't ready to eat when dinner was ready it was no problem, just help yourself to it later. Some nights it was sort yourself out, eat what/when/where is convenient. I think it gave me a much better relationship with food and a much more relaxed approach which made me more aware of my own hunger cues.

Khvdrt · 03/10/2023 14:08

You’re rising to this and you just need to ignore it. If you spent a week just ignoring her behaviour and not reacting to it then she’d stop as shes getting no attention for it. Give her a small portion and say there’s more if she wants so that you don’t feel the food is wasted. My DD does this when shes annoyed with us as she thinks it will bother us but we don’t let it and the fact shes hungry after is her problem.
I really don’t understand why she’s being sent to her dads for dinner; what message is that? I don’t get it and I think it’s an odd response

rookiemere · 03/10/2023 16:05

Jeez she is a teenager, she doesn't want to be having huge family dinners every night with someone that she clearly doesn't get on with, and having to ooh and aah over his cooking. She isn't a performing monkey

I'd say provided she sits down for meals and isn't rude about the cooking she has done her bit.

Why don't you actually talk to her one on one and see how she is feeling?

MrTiddlesTheCat · 03/10/2023 16:58

Maybe your partner isn't the masterchef he thinks he is. Or maybe his 'love language' makes her want vomit over her spaghetti.

rookiemere · 03/10/2023 17:03

Maybe spend more time working out your DDs love language rather than your DPs.

PatchworkElmer · 03/10/2023 17:04

Wtf? You’ve sent your child away to placate your partner and play happy families with his DDs and your ‘compliant’ child? This is absolutely terrible. Apologise to your DD.

There could be all sorts of reasons why she’s not eating, and you seem much more concerned with his feelings than hers.

Fundamentally you’ve spent the money whether the food is left, or she eats it, it’s not like it costs you more when she pushes it around her plate.

justforthisnow · 03/10/2023 17:05

That's not a dinner battle. Thats a dinner bully. Your partner, to be clear.

HamBone · 03/10/2023 18:17

The OP hasn’t sent her DD away, that’s what her DD said when the OP mentioned that they can’t keep throwing good food in the bin. Although I’m not sure why you don’t just put her portion in the fridge covered in cling film and someone can eat it for lunch the next day?

I agree with PP’s that your DD sounds unhappy and you can’t force her to play happy families with your new partner. As he only split with his ex three years ago, how long have you been together? Everything’s probably moved too quickly for your DD to deal with emotionally. The mid-teens are a difficult time for many people, you’re figuring out how you are. Coping with a new family setup is too much for her.

Your DS (17) may be coping with it better, because he’s that bit older and a different personality.

Anyway, I’d continue serving your DD just a small portion and don’t make a big deal about these family meals. It’ll take a while for her to feel comfortable with this new family dynamic.

HamBone · 03/10/2023 18:21

Oh, just reread the OP and realized that the DD HAS been sent away to her Dad’s for dinner.

It’s not on, OP. Why is your new partner dictating to her and why aren’t you sticking up for her?

largeprintagathachristie · 03/10/2023 18:24

My step DS was pretty silent at meals when he was 15. It could have come across as him being ungrateful or grumpy, but it was just him being 15.

By the time he was 17 he was chatty at meals and now at just-turned-18 he’s delightful.

Blueeyedmale · 03/10/2023 18:27

Im concerned about the fact about arguing with a teenage girl about food,especially as eating disorders can happen, but just ignore me op as someone who has had an eating disorder in the past im probably coming from a wrong angle but something to be mindful of

NotSuchASmugMarried · 03/10/2023 18:28

Husbands/boyfriends/lovers/partners come and go throughout our lives.

Children are forever.

You've paid for it anyway. If she doesn't eat it that's on her.

Eddyraisins · 03/10/2023 18:31

This is how some eating disingenuous happen and parent child relationships are destroyed.

Eddyraisins · 03/10/2023 18:34

Disorders!