Dinner battle

[Pixioneeye]

Not sure if this is the right section…. So sorry I’m advance

My partner is clashing with my DD over food.

My partner is a big cook and food/big family meals is his love language.

it’s hasn’t always been smooth sailing with my partner and my DD - she’s 15 - lots of “your not my dad etc” - but I thought we were over this.

My partner is cross that he has made meals and despite being asked what she want for dinner/would you like this? Has just sat at the table like a zombie, grunting when asked questions and pushing her fork about. My DS (17) chats happily and eat’s pretty much everything.

Money has been tight lately and my partner is also paying quite a lot in child maintenance - and he worries that his DDs (16 & 14) are just eating junk at home.

Last night it came to a head and my partner has said that tonight DD has to go to her dads for dinner - I have backed him up, telling DD that money is tight, we can’t afford to keep making dinners that go in the bin. But she’s now accusing me “sending her away” My partner has invited his DDs tonight to have dinner with us (and my DS).
Part of me understands why my DD feels left out - but I also understand my partner’s point of view.

Advice please on how to navigate this!
Is he being OTT?
Should I stand firm with my DD?

help!! xx

My children at this age absolutely hated sitting round the table for meals and I didn’t battle it. Leave a meal for her and let her eat when and if she is hungry.

Regardless of the right or wrongs about the mealtimes, I think it's awful that she's been excluded from the family. Because that's what it is. It's rejecting her.

It’s is absolutely nothing to do with your partner and I’m shocked you’ve prioritised them over DD, over something so ridiculous. Why does it matter if she doesn’t want to chat or eat? You are setting up an awful relationship with your partner, and for your Dd with food.

Your partner sounds like a control freak.

I always let my child serve themselves so they know how much they think they can eat. This should cut waste.

It sounds excruciating, and few 15 year-olds would want to be told they should sit around the table and talk about their day. Some might like it, but your dd clearly doesn't, and she is sitting there under sufferance.

You should not have backed him on this. What he did was appalling.

He needs to apologise to your DD and so do you.

The fact that he can't control what his own daughters eat when with their mother isn't your child's problem to solve and neither is the money trouble caused by his decision to separate from the mother of his children.

Your partner comes across as an angry and controlling man, taking fairly normal teenage behaviour at mealtime, and normal teenage response to the breakup of her family and the crestion of a new one personally, and edging out your child as a power play designed to see whose side you are on. You fell for that and now you need to fight hard to get your child back.

What has just happened in your home with your support is a horrible event and I'm sorry to day your relationship with your daughter might not survive it.

So he only left his wife and children 3 years ago? Did he leave them for you? You can't bring a new man into a teenager's home and let him boss them around.

Your poor DD. Your partner sounds like a controlling A-hole. You really should be sticking up for your DD otherwise this is not going to end well for you.

This sounds like a crappy relationship and unhealthy environment. Why have you intentionally chosen poorly??

Why would you pick a controlling abusive man like this for you and your children??

You have placed this man and this relationship over the welfare and well being of your children.

Why have you picked someone who is rebounding with you and have picked you because you seem to take anything?

Your daughter is feeling unloved, neglected, unheard, and not prioritized..Sounds depressed and stressed.

You have largely contributed to this.

She's not doing anything wrong by not wanting to participate and communicate.

Sending her away to her dad's (as if she is responsible for everything including the turmoil) but having his children over in her absence as if they're replacements..is absolutely horrendous.

Do you love and care for your daughter??
What makes this behavior seen as acceptable to you.

If you are financially struggling, why would you just chuck food in the bin instead of refrigerate/freeze it??

Someone will eat it..eventually.

Why did you pick a financially inadequate divorcee, who doesn't like nor care for your daughter, who is controlling abusive, who's pinning and feeling guilty over his leaving his ex wife??

You're going to perhaps regret your choices..when one or both of your children sever all ties with you.

If she is being treated with love, kindness, compassion, encouragement, being supported, heard, and her overall health and wellness improves at her father's....discuss her staying permanently or temporarily with him.

It's not her fault that you picked this guy. .

This is just terrible.

Gosh op this os a disastrous way to deal with this

I have a child with v limited eating ..i know thr stress and drama that can arise around meal times

Every single expert or book will tell you to reduce drama at mealtimes as much as possible

There is way way too much emotion and expectation being put on a totally normal teenage girl here

Your husvandis taking his stress and worry and guilt out on your child and it will massively backfire

This is a time of not sweating the small stuff...and not chstting at dinner or being fussy really is small stuff with a teen

Imagibe being pressured like this yourself...and then remember you have a teenage brain. You are going to create more and more stress

This is exactly how I think I’d feel as your daughter. Poor kid.

So she doesn’t eat much, so what? Maybe she has a small appetite, or maybe dinner has become so traumatic for her that she’s losing her appetite. Maybe she prefers to eat her dinner without being forced in to conversation.

You’ve banished her from your home for being a normal teenager.

So he left his wife and kids 3 years ago. When did he move in with you and your kids?

So he left his wife 3 years ago so you can't have been together long. He's swooped in and decided how you'll all have dinner together and gets pissed off when people don't go along with it.

Did you all eat together as a family before he was on the scene?

I can absolutely see why your DD would be uncomfortable with family dinners. She's right, he's not her dad. He's just some man who's now living in her house that she doesn't seem to like very much. And she's being forced to sit and pretend you're all a big happy family. Plus she's 15. 15yos are grumpy at the best of times.

How long have you been split from her dad?

I think you need to take your DDs side here. Think about why these dinners make her unhappy. She's had big changes in her home life at a vulnerable time in her life. You need to tell DP to back off. Maybe compromise and have a nice Sunday dinner together but make the rest of the week more relaxed. But stop forcing something that upsets you DD just to appease some man.

I'm a stepmum and came into my DSSs lives when they were 12 and 13. I've never tried to parent them, never tried to enforce rules or traditions etc. I love to cook too and we have the occasional family meal at the table on a Sunday but normally meal times are more relaxed. Sometimes they want to eat in their rooms, sometimes they eat with us. More often than not they eat with us but it's never forced which makes it nicer because they're choosing to eat with us. When we do eat at the table on a Sunday I lay all the food out and people fill their own plates. Sometimes the kids are chatty sometimes they're not. But they always seem to eat plenty, say thank you to me for cooking and offer the clear the table without prompting.

I'd suggest letting your DD fill her own plate so she's only taking what she thinks she'll manage. Any leftovers in the pot can be someone's lunch the next day.

Interesting that he is angry he can't control what his ex wife feeds his own teenage daughters - and is also angry he can't control what your daughter eats.

See the common theme?

Is she just not hungry at that time of night? Is she able to control her own portion sizes?

But for goodness sake don't enforce conversation etc, some people just like to eat quietly and be gone.

Teenage grunting - normal
Put food dishes in middle of the table
/ on the side and everyone helps themselves - less waste
Talk to your partner about projection

Separate the issue's, I can understand throwing food in the bin is annoying especially with cost of living, I let my teens help themselves, that way they only put on their plate what they will eat and any leftovers are frozen or if not much, plated up and one of the kids will eat it after school.

"My partner sees the evening meal as a really important part of the day - likes everyone to talk about their day, chat etc"

I get it, I do too but at the end of the day you can't control other people or punish them for not behaving how you want them to, he needs to realise that. And an uncomfortable pressured atmosphere at dinner is not going to achieve the result he wants.

Also sounds like some rose-tinted glasses going on regarding his own kids, he doesn't know they'd eat well, my dd has got increasingly fussy as she's got older, that comparison is making him harsher on your dd. It's also not your dd's fault if he feels guilty about his own kids eating habits.

Sending her away for dinner and having his kids over is probably the worst thing you could do, she doesn't sound happy anyway and that is going to make her feel rejected, replaced and isolated, she needs to feel like you're looking out for her and helping her navigating the situation.

You're backing your boyfriend up in telling your daughter to go away? Do better. Don't allow this man to fight with your child or to be so domineering, you're meant to prioritise and centre your kids, not your bloke. Not surprised she doesn't want to chat to him at the table, FFS.

I'd say this is classic 15 year old girl behaviour. Maybe the best way to deal with it is ignore it as much as you can. Let her sit there glowering (and refusing to eat the food she's agreed to beforehand) whilst you carry on regardless around her.
I'm not sure sending her in her own to her dads was the right thing to do, what does she say when you have a one to one chat with her? It's a fine line you as her mother need to tread between supporting your DP and making sure that she's ok.

The boyfriend can support himself. OP should be centring and prioritising her kids and allowing zero bullying of her child from the man. She hasn’t bothered replying to the thread, anyway.