Anyone else have a teen that could never imagine having

[Teencrisis]

I will start by saying that I have had a really horrible day and my dad has just been diagnosed with cancer this morning which has left me really devastated.
I think I have worked really hard to bring our children up. My husband and I have a loving and happy relationship. We also have a very close extended family. I’ve always tried to bring our children up to be kind and considerate to others. We have always talked to each other each night as a family at meal times about our day and I think I have always given our kids a lot of time. They were both beautiful children with great manners until they reached secondary school. I know teens are going to test boundaries but they are both so badly behaved and rude right now. My son at 16 almost seems unrecognisable. He thinks Andrew Tate is a great role model. He smokes weed. He swears at me and his dad. My husband is a good role model and will shares all jobs around the house but my son think it’s womens work. We have all talked to him about Andrew Tate but he will not be changed. Where the hell do I go from here? I keep hoping something will make a change . Tonight on the way to basket ball training he told me that he thinks drug dealers are doing a good service. I don’t have the energy right now to even enter in to a discussion.

Oh yes! Familiar.

I come from an academic background and we have a stable, loving home. No illness, enough money, no real worries, it’s all good.

One of my sons was permanently excluded from school aged 14 and has been out of education for 2 years. Long story, not entirely his fault. Now vapes, smokes, drinks…etc.

The other, 2 years younger, smokes weed, and has also had a few one-day suspensions from school.

I just don’t understand it. They are both still nice kids, and we get on well. They are kind, considerate and good company. But also sneaky and VERY anti-school.

I’m at a loss too. I guess we just have to love them through “thick and thin” and hope they will be ok in the end?

I’ll get stick for this but, would you consider counselling for him? There must be something triggering such a change in behaviour.

I'm in the thick of it too. I think sometimes they just say stuff to get a reaction from their mum. So pick something you feel strongly about - and they will inexplicably hold the opposite view.
I know this but I still get upset by it. We've had Andrew Tate conversations as well - and how I don't know the full story and he somehow does!
It's exhausting and I hope it passes!

Bit of an opposite story here, sorry.

I was a naughty kid and a nightmare teen, drink, drugs, exclusions from school teenage parent etc.

dd1 is very hardworking academically, never put a foot wrong at school, barely drinks and has never tried any drugs, smoked or vaped. I go out drinking more than she does (and I don’t go that often). She’s great company most of the time though can be a bit tetchy and highly strung at times, but nothing outside the realms of normal teenage stuff. She’s off to uni at the weekend and I’m going to really miss her.

dd2 is pretty normal. Occasionally gets in trouble for back chatting teachers, vapes sometimes, can be a bit sneaky, but nothing out of the ordinary.

I’ve been lucky I guess.

OP with regards to the drug dealer comment, your son doesn’t really think that. He’s just trying to shock you. I would have said the same to my mum who would have been horrified.

Yes I have the same - teen is 19 now and slightly better but still is not the son I had thought I would have . Agree re influencer Andrew Tate.

it’s quite puzzling; my daughter is very quiet, obedient , wouldn’t say boo to a goose etc, my DS as I say is completely the opposite- takes sickies off work, was actually expelled for dealing drugs, has done all sorts of risky things. It’s a massive shock to me. Of course I love him and continue to do my best, but it hasn’t been what I expected!

I just burst into tears because of the way my 14 yo just spoke to me. He demands, he roars at me, he thinks everything should happen just to suit him. He's well behaved at school but struggling academically and socially. Dad is on the scene but at a distance and he has little patience for him so it's not a good relationship. Just feel so alone and I know that others around me, like my parents think I should be tougher but I work full time, am exhausted just keeping all the plates spinning and trying to keep my other child on track too. No idea where my sweet boy went 😥

Gosh you are all terrifying me! I have an almost 11 year old and I was already dreading the teens.

I was a pretty awful teen. Smoked, drugs, booze, bunked off school, went places I should not have! Not really sure I can say why I was like that? I wasn't happy at school, but then I didn't change when I went to a 6th FC I loved! But I did snap out of it early 21/22.

Yes. I was a nightmare teen. A rule was there to be broken🥳! I was quiet so it probably took my parents by surprise every time. We battled a lot: they did not understand me and took years to forgive me after I copped on.

One point is that I was very unhappy and didn't feel I fitted in anywhere. My parents definitely did their best but we were from such different generations, we were speaking a completely different language. (We get on great now)

So I had a teenager who was incredibly focused, competitive, sporty and serious. She didn't drink or smoke, loved school, thrived on boundaries and lived for sport and study. Where did I get her? She is amazing.

At 16 she got depression and while (as above) I thought I had a teenager I never thought I would have, now I have a very sad despondent child who cannot do any of the things she lived for weeks before (she's 21 now). It has been the saddest of transformations. She still has her core drive so despite struggling mentally she is still achieving but hates herself and berates herself for not being the person she was.
Depression has come with aĺl sorts of side effects, which compound an already complex situation. It is a Bastard.

I am sorry for your boy OP. I hope he is just pushing boundaries. I thought I'd be such a cool parent of teens because I got what it's like to be a teen 🙄. Bless my innocence.

There have been times I have thought: if I had known how horrendously tough it is to be a (helpless, useless) parent to teens I would never have done it.

I'm am also sorry OP for the additional worry of your dad's health. It is not easy.

The main issue here is the dope smoking, it can really badly affect the teenage brain. I’d get help for him to come off it asap.

I've just finished a book called How the world is making our kids mad and what to do about it. It's quite broad but talks a lot about how this generation are struggling to see the purpose of anything because of how the world is and how rolling news and social media have contributed to it. There's lots in there about teaching ourselves and kids to assess risk too but that's less relevant.

Anyway I found it gave me some insight to how my DC might see the world in the next few years (they're 12, 11 and 6 atm) and what a different childhood and adolescence they're having.

I always told my DCs I had a zero tolerance policy to drugs.

I said I'd chuck them out if they were a day over 16 and caught with drugs.

They knew I'd follow through.

Once you start letting them away with some stuff it's a slippery slope.

The online influence is very difficult to tackle though. Even if you ban screens they'll see it on others at school.

I'd just come down hard and if they rebel let them find out the hard way what life's like without parents.

I’m so sorry to hear about your dad op. It’s so profoundly destabilising when there is something wrong with our parents. please be gentle with yourself while you come to terms with this

I love my teens but oh dear me, they have a long way to go. Roll your eyes behind their backs if it helps. They’re not easy company when you’re hurting.

Curious here, would you have just put them out on the street and no further contact?

Lots of kids do find out the hard way what life is like without parents, and it rarely ends well for them.

Interesting idea. Do you feel that chucking a 16 year old, who had say, smoked a bit of weed, out would lead to then taking more or less drugs in future?

just speaking for myself, I’ve always found that taking a reasonable approach to drugs useful. Talking about them frankly rather than demonising them and those who dabble. I’ve always told them to be careful, that you don’t know what’s in a lot of stuff and the dangers that brings, rather than threatening to Chuck them out if they touched them. It’s worked so far. Neither have tried any drugs, though I wouldn’t be surprised if dd2 tried a bit of weed at some point and tbh I wouldn’t think it was the end of the world if she did. Her welfare and wellbeing is too important to me to go nuclear and throw her out for something that most teens do.

we’re all different though and if threatening your kids with homelessness works for you then that’s great and it certainly wouldn’t lead to a huge drug or alcohol issue which lasts a life time rather than a brief period of experimenting as a teen.

There have been times I have thought: if I had known how horrendously tough it is to be a (helpless, useless) parent to teens I would never have done it.

I often feel like this too. One of my DC is struggling massively with mental heath. I love her so, so deeply but yes, in all honestly, it is so hard sometimes that I wish I didn't carry the burden of loving them.

Teens are idiots, he'll grow out of it. I'm sorry about your dad x

Teens are all so different. My daughter wouldn’t dream of taking drugs, my son has tried nearly all of them. Just because one parent thinks that threatening them with chucking out has worked, it doesn’t mean it has! they might not have been interested anyway.

I thought we would not have smooth sailing in teen years judging by her temperament, but when I envisioned the issues, they were different from what has actually been the case. However, she is only 15, so it's quite possible we'll get a whole different set of things yet.

Seeing her friends and BF, nobody has the same set of issues but they all have them and they all clash with their parents. This appears to be normal.
It is difficult. She is very different from me and it is hard not to judge, especially when I think her actions go against her own best interests, never mind parental expectations or our sleepless nights.

Definitely, I can't believe my luck! My parents would have probably described me as a very difficult 16 year old.

DS2 at same age got up this morning and was making himself breakfast, asked me if I wanted some and brought it to me in bed.

He's finished 2 full weeks at his new 6th form and has been really tired in the evening after a long commute that he's not used to. I've been trying to make it easier by making him a packed breakfast and lunch he can grab from the fridge and go with.

So lovely to see him maturing. He's a pleasure to spend time with and it was such a nice surprise, especially since DS1 has just left home for uni.

Maybe if Andrew Tate has such an influence on him, he should take heed of videos where Andrew Tate is very against weed and wasters who smoke it. He also believes in physical violence on boys. His father was violent towards him and he thinks it did him good. I’ve also seen a video where he says he thinks it’s ridiculous when partners praise their sons for being top of their class as it’s just whoever in class he expects his sons to be top percentage in the world or there will be consequences (again I think he meant physical).

Funny how he is idealising a man who would think he was pathetic and hit him if he were his own son.

OP I found this while looking for info on Andrew Tate and his influence on teen boys. How is your DS doing these days?

@lifesrichpageant …. Unfortunately he has really gone downhill with smoking weed. He has drugs counselling but I’m not sure it is making much of a difference. My husband is now going through very brutal treatment for cancer too since I last wrote the original post so it’s really tough right now. He doesn’t really spout off about Andrew Tate so much but his moral compass in general is really off. Thinks it’s ok for his mates ti shop lift(victimless crime- apparently), thinks there is nothing wrong with drugs dealers etc. The polar opposite to how he has been brought up.

@Teencrisis aww OP, I couldn’t read this thread and not comment. You’ve had such a hard time of it, I’m so sorry, sending you and your family love and hoping everyone recovers well 🌺

I’m so sorry for the difficult time you’re also having with your son. I can’t even express how awful of a teenager I was, I put my poor Mum through hell and damaged our relationship so much. We had some real rough patches.

But I did eventually grow up, into what myself and my Mum would class as a caring, well rounded, happy individual. Teenage me and adult me are so far removed from each other, I don’t hold any of the same views or beliefs I used to also bash my Mum over the head with, I cringe at the behaviour of me and my peers, that I considered SO cool, adult me is a lot like a grown up version of wee me from my childhood. No idea who that crazy girl was in between 🤣

And I adore my Mum so much now, I have tried in several ways to make the teenage years up to her over the years and I am never shy on expressing how much I now appreciate her and how she stood by me in my worse times. We have a great relationship now, she really is my best friend and I’d be absolutely lost without her. I’ll always feel guilt for how I treated her when younger. So however unlikely it seems now, there may be light at the end of the tunnel ✨

(P.S I cannot stand Andrew Tate, or his bloody views. However if it wasn’t him, it would be some other idiot your son/all the boys would be idolising. Looking up to crap influences and thinking they’re the best thing ever can unfortunately go hand in hand with the turbulent teenage years.

You’ve got this, you can do it 💪🏽

Thanks so much for your lovely post @Dolpho231. Lovely to hear that you have really good relationship with your mum now. I really hope that my son can turn things around- I miss him right now.