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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

I can't cope with my son's food issues

26 replies

MerryMarigold · 13/09/2023 19:49

He's not anorexic, so I know I'm lucky he does eat. But he won't eat decent food I've cooked and I have to cook separate shite for him nearly every day, or else we need to eat shite with him (we do sometimes because I don't want to cook 2 meals every day). He also won't eat unless food is in front of him, so there is no point saying get him to cook his own food: he will probably grab one plain wrap or a plain roll or chocolate biscuits. And his behaviour will be even worse than it is already because he's starving and nutritionally deprived. How old is this child? He'll be 18, yes EIGHTEEN next month.

I've just had enough today. I'm really tired, menopausal and I cooked a lovely meal which the 4 of us ALL enjoyed (2 other teens) except for him. I really thought about him, cut the onions big so I could remove them easily, used baby sweetcorn because it's one of the 3 veg he eats, cooked the rice plain because it can't have anything in it etc. He still refused to eat anything. Said it's disgusting because he could see other things on my plate which I'd removed from his.

When he's stressed he's a lot worse - his eating, his rudeness, his anger issues. He is borderline underweight and has had a cough all summer because I don't think he eats well enough to be healthy. His diet is basically 95% ultra processed food (including energy drinks every lunchtime). If I can get one veg OR fruit into him per day that's an achievement. We're just one week into Year 13. I don't think I can do the rest of the year, let alone when he's doing the actual A levels. The food is one part of it but it's representative of the rest of just how fucking difficult he is. He doesn't have a diagnosis other than inattentive ADHD when he was 7. It's so hard to get a doc appointment, let alone for something vague like eating/ stress/ anger.

I know this is just a vent but please... Any words of calm, empathy, wisdom. I just want to cry.

OP posts:
MidnightOnceMore · 13/09/2023 20:03

It sounds hard.

Your son has inattentive ADHD, that will make things trickier.

I'd stop trying to feed him other food. He's almost an adult, he is in control of what he eats. I'd write a list of what he will eat and just let him eat that. You can't change this without his buy in.

Also ask him to see the gp to be checked for general health and explain the eating issue and take it from there.

MerryMarigold · 13/09/2023 20:11

The thing is he does eat roast chicken (as long as no bones). I don't want to only give him ultra processed chicken but maybe I have to. Yes, he is nearly an adult and I genuinely worry what he will eat if/ when he leaves home. He will probably need a major health scare to change his diet.

OP posts:
Foggyfoggyfoggy · 13/09/2023 20:15

We didn't realise dd had ASD until her eating habits and plate begun to look strange. . She was 15..yabu to not delve deeper into this..

DeeplyMovingExperience · 13/09/2023 20:16

You're trying to fight an unwinnable battle. There's nothing you can do except to look the other way and let him eat how he wants to.

I had a friend whose son would only eat plain ham sandwiches on plain white sliced bread or plain pizza. That was literally all he would eat. He's in his 30s now and still the same.

RadioFoot · 13/09/2023 20:19

He's how old? Stop molly cuddling him!

ValkyrieAssassin · 13/09/2023 20:23

It's not molly coddling, it screams an eating disorder or sensory processing disorder which is probably a symptom of other issues because he is neuro divergent. It's very common among people who have autism or ADHD and cannot be 'cured' by tough words.

OP, look into ARFID or sensory issues around food as it relates to autism adhd etc.

GCSister · 13/09/2023 20:26

It sounds like ARFID.
I'm in my 40s and have ARFID. Over the years I'm managed to add a few additional foods to my safe list but still have a very restricted diet.
It's might be worth investigating this a bit more.

Velvian · 13/09/2023 20:32

It is really hard having ND DC with sensory issues around food, which is what this sounds like.

What works best with my DC (eldest an adult!) is everything separate in the middle of the table. e.g. A bowl of pasta, a pan of sauce, a dish of roasted vegetables, chicken in a dish, cheese in dish. Then the same with roast dinner and about 3 other meals that everyone eats.

They eat more variety that way, it's less threatening. I'm sympathetic, as I am similar. I am able to hide it really well now, partly through being vegetarian, which eliminates a lot of stuff I find gross.

Will he eat carrot and cumber sticks, sliced apple? Some nights I just do something really plain and carby, but put out crudités and sliced fruit. Then do something nice to go with the carbs for those that want.

Ugzbugz · 13/09/2023 20:33

I literally ate pizza and maybe one or 2 other things until my later 20s. I was very restrictive and slim. Then I started trying more, discovered I loved everything and am now fat at 40.

My mum never made a fuss either so maybe offer whats there or he makes it himself? My mum stopped cooking for me probs around 15 16.

Starlightstarbright2 · 13/09/2023 20:33

My Ds has Asd/ adhd .. his diet has definitely deteriorated during teen years ..

I try and improve where I can use chicken strips rather than nuggets , fish gingers better quality .
My Ds eats limited veg so I do carrots in every way I can .. He eats a roast dinner so I make more than I have general inclination to make .

work with what he will eat ….

ND kids don’t always just eat because they are hungry..

will he take multi vitamins ?

ValkyrieAssassin · 13/09/2023 20:37

If he has an issue with food touching you might want to try these;

Total gamechanger for my younger teen. If food mixes on the plate he goes queasy and cannot eat a thing.
https://www.etsy.com/uk/market/divided_lunch_tray

Divided Lunch Tray - Etsy UK

Check out our divided lunch tray selection for the very best in unique or custom, handmade pieces from our dining & serving shops.

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sadaboutmycat · 13/09/2023 20:38

You have dismissed his inattentive ADHD rather glibly there OP?
Food issues are huge and he can't help it. Find things he will eat, give him lots of supplements, and stop stressing!
There may be ready meals he would do for himself? Iceland are very good. Take him there and let him choose some microwaveable things.
Explain to him that he needs to be able to make his own meals and this is a way forward.

MyHornCanPierceTheSky · 13/09/2023 20:39

Sounds great what @Velvian has said uptrend.
I would say that he does need to know he can't dictate or control the rest of the family's eating though.

MerryMarigold · 13/09/2023 20:56

Thanks all. I try to give him a multi vit when I remember. Prob need to be better at this (bad enough remembering my own meds).

Micro meals are no go a. As our micro is ancient but more because the tend to involve sauce or gravy which is a no go.

I know a bit about ARFID. He does get sick of things so the diet gets more and more restrictive. Plain pasta is no go now so i can't even cook a pasta and sauce and leave sauce of for him. Hawaian Pizza likewise. I'm dreading the day pizza goes completely. Stress is a massive trigger to not eating.

He just ate a plain pre packaged naan bread I had ready for a curry (he would not have had the curry but prob the naan and frozen chicken).

In terms of not molly coddling him, what do you suggest I do? Let him eat whatever he wants and get it himself? As mentioned, he will likely eat very very little which will affect his health, mood, ability to learn etc. He hardly drinks unless reminded. He thinks weeing twice a day is normal.

For PP who got their DD diagnosed at 15. What did you do? And how recently? Even when DS was 7, 11 years ago, it was much easier to get seen. Did you do it recently and how?

OP posts:
MerryMarigold · 13/09/2023 21:04

sadaboutmycat · 13/09/2023 20:38

You have dismissed his inattentive ADHD rather glibly there OP?
Food issues are huge and he can't help it. Find things he will eat, give him lots of supplements, and stop stressing!
There may be ready meals he would do for himself? Iceland are very good. Take him there and let him choose some microwaveable things.
Explain to him that he needs to be able to make his own meals and this is a way forward.

I know what he will eat, and I cook it. But this involves cooking 2 things generally. More importantly, there is virtually nothing which is not ultra processed, which he likes. Oven chicken/ chips (NO fish fingers), burgers, pizza, plain rolls (not sliced bread), chocolate biscuits (no longer eats yoghurt, ice cream), Doritos (no other crisps so if we don't have them he doesn't eat something else), croissants / pastries. I do the crudités on the table but he won't have them. If I do apple and encourage him to have some, he will have few bits.

OP posts:
Taptap2 · 13/09/2023 21:11

If your DS is going to uni then there will be the quickest way to get a diagnosis of ASD if he wants one other than paying privately.

I have a teen DS with ASS and I made him watch a programme on the dangers of ultra processed food which really helped cut down the meals he has of chicken nuggets and pizza. I batch cook things he likes so we can have more varied food. It is a pain as I hate cooking 2 meals most evenings. It is upsetting and frustrating when I think I have made a meal he will eat and then he says he hates it.

We have made progress but in periods of stress his restrictive eating gets worse. Serving all the food in bowls to help yourself has helped. He has started eating avocado but he had to see avocado being served in a bowl for a year before he tried it!

Littlefish · 13/09/2023 21:19

If he has a diagnosis of ADHD, he may well be autistic, or have very strong traits of autism.

My daughter's eating sounds very similar, except she'll only eat 1 vegetable (I'm so fucking sick of carrots!)

Junk food is entirely predictable. The texture never changes. There is no anxiety involved in eating junk food. You know what you're getting.

Fruit such as blueberries is the worst! The berries all look the same, but the texture can be different in every single one.

MerryMarigold · 13/09/2023 22:59

Thank you @Taptap2 and @Littlefish for understanding. That's exactly it, that I thought really hard about what he might like to eat, which the rest of us would also enjoy, and which was a bit healthier than most of his meals this week - and then it got rejected.

Currently he doesn't want to go to uni. I think it feels too scary but he says it's the cost. Maybe I should have a conversation with him about looking into ASD via the GP. I tried before but he didn't want to.

What was the programme about the food? Would love to show him that.

The best way to try new food is when he is in a really relaxed place and discovers he likes something then he carries it on.

OP posts:
MerryMarigold · 13/09/2023 23:05

The only fruit he eats is apples - he likes fruit cake and apple crumble.

The only veg is roast carrots (not raw), baby sweetcorn, sweetcorn (only boiled), broccoli occasionally (no stalk) and baked beans.

OP posts:
DinosaurOfFire · 13/09/2023 23:06

If he will only eat ultra processed foods, feed him ultra processed foods. My son is only 6 but has eating issues similar to your son and we have seen the dietician and also occupational therapy to help him- my son is waiting for an autism assessment and I suspect adhd too. He uses food as a way to control his environment when he is stressed, both good stress like events he's looking forward to, and bad stress where he is upset. The dietician explained that for DS, there should be no discussion of food as "good" or "bad", no talking about balanced diets etc but that if he only eats 4 packets of crisps one day, thats good because at least he has eaten something. Could you do something similar and take the pressure off eating with your DS, maybe he can eat alone if he doesn't like seeing the food on your plate, and make his reliable foods so he can eat.

DinosaurOfFire · 13/09/2023 23:10

Just to add, even school has had to be on board with us for my DS eating- so noone anywhere ever puts pressure on him to eat. If he doesn't have his school meal, he eats a snack from his bag instead. If he doesnt eat his dinner, then I will make him supernoodles or whatever his safe food is that week. If he asks for food it is always a yes. I understand this isn't possible for everyone especially with the current cost of living rises but it has helped with getting my DS to eat, my view is any food is better than zero food.

Ponderingwindow · 13/09/2023 23:26

Your son’s diet is better than my ASD DD’s diet.

when they are chronically underweight and just skip eating, you just have to accept the restrictions.

I’m totally happy if I get my dd to eat a chicken nugget. She only eats them from 2 restaurants.

i recommend smoothies if he will drink them. Also talk to him about a multivitamin. Try making him responsible for taking it by getting a daily pill caddy and putting on vitamin in each day. That way you can check consumption.

Taptap2 · 14/09/2023 06:38

Feeding a 18 year old is very different from feeding a young child. Sit down and agree what foods he likes and just cook those for 2 weeks (good luck getting him to cook them) and then the aim is to slowly expand those with food in bowls in the middle of the table. Never comment on what he does and doesn’t eat - hard when you want to cheer he has finally eaten a certain food.

look up bbc iPlayer ultra processed food and you will find a programme to watch.

I do find fruit and veg the most difficult foods to expand and it doesn’t make sense - DS loves sprouts but won’t eat a kiwi, I can’t figure that out

LucyLatimer · 14/09/2023 07:10

Following dc15 shows so many similarities with really limited range of foods. All this has been made worse by father, who is now no contact. It’s an exam year and dc is getting into fitness and the gym, and understands the need for good nutrition but struggles with actually eating.