Absolutely not op. I thought when I read your op that your daughter was wanting to go and live with her dad! She might be compliant when she first lived with her dad but pretty soon the same issues would arise if they aren’t tackled head on.
It’s very hard. And it sounds like every day is a battle at the moment. But if your ex is willing to have her live with him, then surely he can contribute a bit more financially? And have her during school holidays. And just because he lives far away doesn’t mean he can’t travel occasionally and be a more involved parent generally. It sounds like you need some support.
It’s very hard raising teens and very intense and lonely one-on-one, so try and get some help for yourself. It’s good that the school are aware of what is going on. See the gp and, although it seems impossible, please keep trying to get your daughter enrolled with a counsellor if you can.
Sorry to be so blunt but your job as the mother of a teen is to continue to bethere through thick and thin as a solid, positive presence, while she goes off the rails a bit. Your her safety net. And emotional shock absorber. It’s very draining for mothers but stick with it. She will be watching your actions and how you deal with this stressful situation. In some ways she is putting you through a test which is why this feels so difficult.
I know you are probably thinking you want to send her to her dad’s bc you are not up to the job and that you are letting your daughter down but you ARE doing it right now, and you are the best person, the one constant in her life, to do this with her.
Please don’t despair. This is a phase. It will get better. She will find her way to independence. But it’s a marathon not a sprint. Please hang in there. Your daughter needs you.
Have a look at the books and podcast by Lisa Damour on raising teen daughters. They are very helpful.
By the way, you say that your daughter needs more structure and discipline than you can provide atm, and I totally get it, as she needs to get to school and the longer she is out of school, the more isolated and anxious she will feel.
You might consider changing your approach though. Perhaps stop trying to parent from the top down and make your parenting more collaborative and shift the responsibility for her actions more and more on to your daughter as she gets older.
So you are not in opposition to her but running alongside her encouraging her and curious to see what decisions she will make. This sounds a bit hippy dippy and ineffectual but you can still express your strong disappointment about lack of school attendance and strong encouragement to get her to attend but ultimately the responsibility is on her. And let the natural consequences flow.
She doesn’t go to school then she gets in trouble with her HOY and ultimately the head teacher. Don’t act as a buffer or lie on her behalf or make staying at home comfortable for her.
Make sure she takes more responsibility for other things in her life too like cooking, doing her washing, making decisions. Give her a sense of control over as much as you can. Get her thinking about what sort of life she will want as an adult. Look at courses and careers. Give her a sense she is working towards something.
It’s particularly hard because she sounds very (anxiously?) attached to you but in order to individuate as an adult, she almost needs to reject you and everything you stand for, to grow in to an independent person on her own path, so the road ahead will be rocky. But please don’t take it personally. It’s a natural process.
Whatever parenting methods you use though, please have confidence in YOURSELF op that you are enough and you have everything she needs. Your dd needs you to be confident in yourself so model that for her.
Teens, as they mature, stop needing top down parenting at some point and need good role models instead. The best parenting tool is example.
So if you want your dd to be less anxious and more pro-active then put your best foot forward and give her that example. She may not look like she is paying attention but, believe me., she is watching your actions and this is why getting yourself some support and going out on your own and maybe starting a hobby you love and doing things that bring you joy and calm are so important.
Again, speaking very bluntly, and not saying this in specific relation to you op, but very much in general, some teens don’t want to grow up because their parents make adulthood look so hard and worrying and generally unattractive and although it’s massively hard as a single parent, we need to show them the good bits of adulthood too.
Good luck 💐