Should My Teen Live With Her Dad

[Dani1980]

Hi
I’m a single mother to a near 14 year old. I’m early 40s. Been single 8 years while raising my DD. Her father left town after he split up with me to be with his new girlfriend and her children. At that time he saw our daughter fairly regularly on weekends as he was only 1.5 hours away. However that gf left him, he dated a few others but then met a woman who lives far away. He moved in with her and our daughter only sees him once or twice a year due to the distance. He does phone her once a week. He is not with that woman he moved for, has gad a few different ones but currently living with a nice lady who has two grown up daughters. My daughter has met her and likes her. My ex husband had a good job, decent income plus is partnered. I earn half what he earns and it has been a challenge juggling work and parenting. I love my daughter to pieces BUT I’m having struggles. She hates school. School are aware of the problems. She refuses to speak to a school counsellor or have external counseling. I know she has anxiety and low confidence. Her school attendance is not good as she has massive meltdowns before school and I have to give in and let her stay home. She has social anxiety and hardly wants to leave home. She doesn’t play sport. Her weight is not great. She is cheeky to me all the time because when I try lay down rules of consequences for not going to school ie: remove wifi - she gets disrespectful. I’m struggling to get her to do simple things of tidy up after herself or look after her pets. She barely wants to go anywhere or do anything but gets upset if I go out such as meeting girlfriends for coffee or lunch. It’s very hard managing financially too. I’ve been seriously thinking of sending her to her father seems he has a partner to help, way better off financially and primarily will have more structure for our daughter. She will not argue with her dad and his gf and will go to school and be made to get out socially and not be sedentary and do her chores. I’m worried if she stays with me there isn’t that firmness and structure to see her finish school, be independent and responsible and have a decent future ahead of her. She’s been with me 90% of the time and definitely doesnt want to live with her father. She says she would miss me too much and yes I would miss her. I’m trying to decide what is the best decision to make for her overall well-being.

That’s a hard one about home schooling.

Tbh I think it’s best not to go down that route if it can be avoided when it’s done for the reasons of avoidance rather than a positive step forward.

Also it would isolate your dd further and intensify your relationship even more and put a huge further strain on you.

I’m not an expert but the only time I would recommend home schooling for anxiety issues would be when ASD was in the picture. Has your daughter had any assessments done? Has her anxiety been looked in to properly? Could she possibly be ND?

She was in a public school and didn’t like how rough kids can be in the way they talk, act and speak to teachers. She’s in a private school now which is affordable as they give me a decent discount. She’s happier there than in the other school but says she just hates being around so many other kids

She was assessed age 9 but no definitive diagnosis other than borderline ADD. I don’t want to home school as it defeats her coping with being around peers plus I don’t have the time nor skills to educate high school level

Why not try one term? A change of scenery and people can be sometimes a good thing and this is her dad. If after one term she hates it or it isn't working, she can come back to your place.

OP teenagers are difficult little aliens. All the hormones and the shift to developing more independence plus the pressure they can feel from social media and peers. It's hard. You're clearly doing your best (which ime never feels good enough but often is) and seeking support from different avenues. What support have you got for you? You can't pour from an empty cup and your needs are important too. Maybe if you have a source of support - however that looks for you - you may feel more able to push through this stage?

What are school doing to support?
honestly everything you’ve said points towards ND and the approach needed is accommodations and not graduated exposure.

I would move your post to mental health or ND as some of the advice you’re getting is potentially going to put an already struggling and miserable child into crisis.

What about giving her options? Tell her something has to change as the current situation isn't healthy. She can try a term at her dads or commit to regular counselling and doing one activity a week. You can't change everything at once but letting her continue as she is will be very unhealthy for both of you.

If you really need the break to get through the next few years then have her go to her dads for the term. Did she spend any time with him this summer?

Letting her just stay in her house and rarely go out isn't sustainable. Homeschooling would be a terrible option for a child hiding from society.

I am sad for you and your daughter on reading this, op.

As others have said, I do not think it would be a good idea for your daughter to go and live with her father and his partner. Going there for the school holidays might have been so but we are near the end of the summer break.

I am hoping this is just a phase. Teenagers do go through such periods and often come out the other side quite well (I do have experience of such). At the moment she needs peace and her own space in a non judgemental environment with no pressure. She feels safe with you.

Don't worry about school too much, that can be picked up again later.

You sound like a lovely mum.

Would it be possible for you both to travel to your daughter's father and his partner so he could see her for himself and maybe talk things over? Alternatively, for him to come to you, in fact that might be better as she would be on home turf.

I'm sorry not to be of more help.

Take care of yourselves and good luck.

School aren’t doing anything because none of the teachers think she has any condition. However IF once we finally get into a paediatrician or psychologist for assessing, and a diagnosis is made, they will go from there. Interestingly the grade 3 teacher was the one and only teacher to tell me she thinks my daughter has ADD. She does lose focus fast. I also think she might have mild dyslexia but I cannot afford the testing for it. In two years tomr the school do the test for free

im guessing you are not in the UK?

I have asked school to consider 1-2 days a week sending her lessons online and she can do them at home then she goes to school the other days. After all, during covid lockdown we learnt online. They haven’t really made an effort to give an answer. My daughter seems to get work done when there’s no pressure on her such as deadlines and teachers getting pushy. She told me she finds school exhausting and draining. So she is obviously struggling with keeping up. She was top of her class when she was younger than from age 9 onwards had struggled more and more. I think there is a learning difficulty with her and it’s never been properly diagnosed or addressed and she is finding it stressful. However that’s the academic side. The social side causes more anxiety.

No, Australia

dyslexia Doesn’t just affect learning, it’s also common that dyslexics have traits of other ND which may or may not meet the criteria for diagnosis. Girls can also be tricky to diagnose. I don’t know what the situation is in Australia, here accommodations don’t require a formal diagnosis and anxiety alone counts as SEN if it’s frequent and long lasting

Everything here is so expensive and unless you have private health insurance, it’s only affordable for higher income families or if you go public system, you can wait 12 months for an appointment

I certainly don't think sending her to her dad's would help in any way - more likely cause more issues. However, could you ask him to pay for some assessments as it sounds like she may be ND?

Maybe take the pressure off at home - does she need to do chores, for example - and focus on the key issues. Find out exactly what she finds hard about school Are some subjects/ teachers easier for her than others? Does she have any friends she likes to be with? What scares her about speaking to a counsellor? Would it help to have a key person in school she could speak to every morning or at some point in the school day? Someone who just takes an interest and makes her feel noticed or listens to her fears (both mine benefitted from something like this in secondary school).

I know you've talked to the school, but have you asked her what might work for her? Eg only a few days a week (as you mentioned) or could she be allowed to miss certain lessons if she attends others within the school day? Or reduced homework or whatever would help? Have you made it clear to them YOU want her to be in school but SHE just can't manage it unless they support her?

For home activities, bargain with her - start with small easily achievable goals like no wifi until she's been for a 20 minute walk with you or a treat if she takes walks daily for a week, or whatever feels possible. Because she sounds like she is resisting a lot of things and as a parent, that is making your life extremely difficult. And it won't get easier unless you can take some charge over her and get her to do things that will help her.

This is what I’m trying to achieve. Get her to compromise and do small things then hopefully that will lead to doing more and also gaining confidence. I take her struggles into consideration but she also has to know I’m the parent and she cannot make all her own rules in life. I don’t have a support structure really. No family around. Friends have their own kids.

This sounds very, very difficult -
and I agree with all PP -
please don’t give up,
shes is a bad way, and the huge upheaval that you are suggesting is likely to make matters much worse -
it won’t always been like this -
you have got this far into her teenage years,
get support for you
keep doing what u are doing for your DD
best wishes

My job is active. I’m a cater. I don’t belong to a gym but love walking. I see some friends here and there but they’re married and doing things as couples. I would love a dog but where we live is not fenced and gated unfortunately. I know a dog would help her anxiety

We live in a smallish country town and there’s only the 2 high schools. I don’t have the money to move to another town. I look at rentals but they are very hard to come by and the ones that are securely fenced and gated are out my price range. I have thought about moving to where her father is as it’s bigger, more schools and she could see him more often, but again it’s thousands to move and there’s no guarantee he will stay in one place while she finishes high school