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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

16 and girlfriend

35 replies

Carol52 · 23/08/2023 20:26

Hi my son has been seeing a girl for a while now . She has just turned 16. They are very affectionate towards each other so much so I mentioned it to the girls mother:
She said yes it's lovely to see they are very comfortable with each other I can see it at home??
I said to the girlfriend mum that my son can go round when she is at home . I think they are still very young and don't want to encourage anything happening the mum doesn't seem to care. My son knows where I stand but I do think the girl is pushing things. I have seen some texts the mum didn't want to read them when I told her .
I know this doesn't sound very nice but the girl seems to be reliant on my son alot for support with emotions as she doesn't like visiting her dad but won't tell her mum. She doesn't like her step mum. She isn't that popular at school my son is so she wants to be with him all the time. Even when he is with his friends she is there. She wants her own way all the time my son is easy going. There's a lot. I don't really know how to handle it I don't want my son to not tell me anything but the mother is annoying me with her attitude. Any advice please

OP posts:
StinkyWizzleteets · 23/08/2023 20:29

You don’t do anything. They’re 16, young adults. Let them sort out their own relationship and keep your nose out of their business like the other mother is doing. It will probably fizzle out soon enough.

BeeBelle16 · 23/08/2023 20:32

They are 16 I really think you need to leave them to it.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/08/2023 20:32

What the fuck are you doing reading his text messages and tattling to her mother? You are overstepping the mark so outrageously I don't even know where to begin.

Your son is 16, not six, and his intimate life is none of your business. Back off.

BCBird · 23/08/2023 20:33

You need to leave them.to discover things themselves. I would make sure you have the safe sex chat

Original poster
Carol52 · 23/08/2023 20:36

Thanks for your messages
I still think 16 is very young. Everyone is different . I know lots of people who check there childrens phones. I don't do it regularly but I am glad I did on this occasion.

OP posts:
Hellocatshome · 23/08/2023 20:39

I wouldn't dream of reading my 16 year olds messages. It isn't very young its 16, old enough to leave school, have sex etc. The best thing you can do is tell him he can talk to you about anything and you will not judge but help and advise then leave him to it.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/08/2023 20:41

Op, you are going to destroy your relationship with your son if you don't get a grip and stop interfering in his personal business. It is alarming that you don't see how smothering and suffocating your behaviour is. My kids are adults and I know it's hard allowing your children to grow up, but you must. You have got to take a step back and allow him to figure his life out on his own.

Bumdrops · 23/08/2023 20:41

I also think you should back off, you are way too involved in the ins and out of a teenage romance -
make sure you’ve discussed safe sex, consent, provide condoms

Littlefish · 23/08/2023 20:49

They are 16. It's highly likely they will either already be having sex, or thinking about it. Checking his phone will not stop that.

Reading his phone is a massive invasion of his privacy. Does he know that you've done that?

His girlfriend's mum sounds entirely reasonable. You don't.

Mummy08m · 23/08/2023 20:50

Even if you think he's too young for such a relationship, you won't get anywhere by bollocking the girlfriend's mum (!)

The best you can do is talk to your son and try and convince him of your point of view.

GerbilTrainerExtraordinaire2 · 23/08/2023 20:57

Popularity is irrelevant, doesn’t mean he will be popular in the real world (post school). Also it’s very normal to talk about personal things in a relationship. It’s healthy for her to share her feelings and it might encourage your son to do the same.

Do you know her well? Have you made an effort to get to know her? What does he like about her? Im sure she has lots of great qualities. Personally I wouldn’t interfere, it’s his relationship and not yours. At some point, after years of your care, you need to entrust him to make some decisions for himself. I’d personally only read texts if I suspected illegal activity and feel you’ve over stepped the mark and intruded unnecessary.

BackAgainstWall · 23/08/2023 23:51

In the nicest possible way, if you carry on like this, you will push him away.
Think it through.

Sickofchangingmyfuckingusername · 24/08/2023 00:27

Sounds like a typical teen relationship. Talk openly about using condoms and accept at 16 they are likely to have sex.
Back off and leave them alone.

MrsSkylerWhite · 24/08/2023 00:30

Carol52 · Yesterday 20:36
Thanks for your messages
I still think 16 is very young. Everyone is different . I know lots of people who check there childrens phones. I don't do it regularly but I am glad I did on this occasion.”

You really need to back off. Reading his messages is so intrusive.

Original poster
Carol52 · 24/08/2023 01:11

Thank you I guess I am in minority and I have got this completely wrong.

OP posts:
incognito50me · 24/08/2023 07:58

OP, I also met my DD's BF's mom. Basically we both wanted to make sure we are on the same page regarding curfews and expectations. I think she also wanted to let me know she thought they were close to getting intimate, which I knew, and told her I'd had the safe sex talk with DD. It turned out, maybe unsurprisingly, that they were telling each of us some half-truths about what the other family allows to get more freedoms.

Honestly, I don't know how it would have gone had we not been on the same page, or if either of us disapproved of the relationship. As it was, it was clear that both sets of parents realize sex will happen if the kids want it (I know it has, pretty sure she is not yet aware of it), but if so, better that it be in their homes rather than outside somewhere, and that it be safe.
My own opinion is that our kids are too young for sex (15) - no legal issues here, just emotional maturity - but knowing my DD, apart from trying to break them apart, it was going to happen (and it hasn't been all smooth sailing, as I've posted about). Other than the sex, I am happy that my daughter has a nice, devoted boyfriend and that they are clearly in love and learning to be in a relationship.

I see your worry about your DS's GF's neediness and perhaps mental issues. All you can do is keep the communication open. I ask my daughter to let me know where she is and with whom, and she has a curfew weekdays and on weekends (later). I do ask how things are going with BF, from her point of view I probably do pry at times. The kids were not all that happy his mom and I exchanged some information but in the end I think it's for the best to know what the expectations and boundaries of both families are. At this age, you are, in a limited sense, coparenting a young couple. Perhaps it's also cultural or because of the fact that DD spends a huge portion of her time with the BF in person or online, but I've felt a lot better since having spoken to his mom.

Original poster
Carol52 · 24/08/2023 08:09

incognito50me · 24/08/2023 07:58

OP, I also met my DD's BF's mom. Basically we both wanted to make sure we are on the same page regarding curfews and expectations. I think she also wanted to let me know she thought they were close to getting intimate, which I knew, and told her I'd had the safe sex talk with DD. It turned out, maybe unsurprisingly, that they were telling each of us some half-truths about what the other family allows to get more freedoms.

Honestly, I don't know how it would have gone had we not been on the same page, or if either of us disapproved of the relationship. As it was, it was clear that both sets of parents realize sex will happen if the kids want it (I know it has, pretty sure she is not yet aware of it), but if so, better that it be in their homes rather than outside somewhere, and that it be safe.
My own opinion is that our kids are too young for sex (15) - no legal issues here, just emotional maturity - but knowing my DD, apart from trying to break them apart, it was going to happen (and it hasn't been all smooth sailing, as I've posted about). Other than the sex, I am happy that my daughter has a nice, devoted boyfriend and that they are clearly in love and learning to be in a relationship.

I see your worry about your DS's GF's neediness and perhaps mental issues. All you can do is keep the communication open. I ask my daughter to let me know where she is and with whom, and she has a curfew weekdays and on weekends (later). I do ask how things are going with BF, from her point of view I probably do pry at times. The kids were not all that happy his mom and I exchanged some information but in the end I think it's for the best to know what the expectations and boundaries of both families are. At this age, you are, in a limited sense, coparenting a young couple. Perhaps it's also cultural or because of the fact that DD spends a huge portion of her time with the BF in person or online, but I've felt a lot better since having spoken to his mom.

Thank you for you message and I do understand . I feel the mum through conversation we have had is a lot more easy going in rules etc and gives in to her daughter. By what my son has said and I her mum some stories dont match up . One was my mum is going out so we can do what we want. Her mum said I didn’t say that I guess I just have to let them learn . I have previously spoke to my son about safe sex etc and he does understand. I have always said come and talk to me. I just think 16 is still to young.

OP posts:
Original poster
Carol52 · 24/08/2023 08:10

Incognito I will try and find your other posts it may give me some advice, etc

OP posts:
Jifmicroliquid · 24/08/2023 08:15

He’s 16 so I’m afraid you leave him to it and he learns about things on his own. Reading his texts at that age is really weird. His GFs mum likely thinks you’re a bit odd for doing that.
The relationship is unlikely to last, it’s first love and sometimes that’s a bit intense but it’s all part of growing up.

Luna42 · 24/08/2023 08:22

Be open, let him talk to you and never criticise her. But do talk about how healthy relationships work and gently make it clear that he is not responsible for her emotional wellbeing.

HerMammy · 24/08/2023 08:39

I just think 16 is still to young.
that is your opinion, he could leave home, join the army, get married.
I really cannot believe you read his phone and repeated it to her mum.
MIL from hell in the making.
Back off!

TheWayoftheLeaf · 24/08/2023 13:43

Carol52 · 23/08/2023 20:36

Thanks for your messages
I still think 16 is very young. Everyone is different . I know lots of people who check there childrens phones. I don't do it regularly but I am glad I did on this occasion.

Why glad on this occasion? All you saw is that she's unhappy with her dad and likes to hang out with her boyfriend...

Couples do tend to tell each other about their lives and feeling.

Original poster
Carol52 · 24/08/2023 15:51

GerbilTrainerExtraordinaire2 · 23/08/2023 20:57

Popularity is irrelevant, doesn’t mean he will be popular in the real world (post school). Also it’s very normal to talk about personal things in a relationship. It’s healthy for her to share her feelings and it might encourage your son to do the same.

Do you know her well? Have you made an effort to get to know her? What does he like about her? Im sure she has lots of great qualities. Personally I wouldn’t interfere, it’s his relationship and not yours. At some point, after years of your care, you need to entrust him to make some decisions for himself. I’d personally only read texts if I suspected illegal activity and feel you’ve over stepped the mark and intruded unnecessary.

Thank you for your message. I know it normal to speak about feelings . Popularity is irrelevant but when she can't leave him alone.
I fully support privacy but as a parent I am glad I looked

OP posts:
LynetteScavo · 24/08/2023 16:37

To those saying he could join the army (only with parental consent) or get married- the legal age to get married in the UK is now 18.

16 is young, but it's not too young for a first relationship. You do need to let them get on with it OP. Advise your DS how to tell his GF to back off if he finds her too clingy, but at this age he needs to figure out how to handle relationships.
Also f you also think he's too young for a part time job, I suggest you buy him some condoms. Because 16 is reasonably young to have sex, but it's far too young to be a parent.

HerMammy · 24/08/2023 16:55

@LynetteScavo
England isn't the only country in the U.K. or where everyone posting on MN lives 🙄