Do your older teens/young adults let you know what they’re up to/if their plans change?

[blinkybell]

DD2 is newly 18 and has some disabilities which can make her vulnerable so I do ask her to keep me updated when she’s out and about.

I don’t want a blow by blow account of where she is, what she’s doing or who she’s with, but to just drop me a text if plans change and she ends up going out after work/college and will be home late or something like that, whether she wants dinner, whether she’s staying at her boyfriend’s, etc.

She’s 18, I’m not going to tell her she can’t do these things or anything like that or get into a debate about it, but if she finishes work at 5pm and is not home by 8pm, then I’m a bit miffed that she hasn’t sent a quick text to tell me she’a meeting her friends and won’t be home until late.

We got in to a bit of an argument about it yesterday. That I’m checking up on her all the time - she left the house just after 7am to do her pony saying that she’d be back. I’d expect her home 10/10:30am at the latest. At 1pm I sent a quick text and it turned out she met her boyfriend and they went off to a local festival for the day. Not a problem, but please just send me a quick text.

Like I say, I don’t want the ins and outs, just a quick “change of plans, won’t/will be home for dinner/be home tonight” text. Is that unreasonable?

No I don't think it's unreasonable if her being out affects your plans. Like if she was going to walk the dog that afternoon or make dinner.

If not, then I wouldn't expect to know where she was as it doesn't matter. I've got two daughters (16&19) but I don't live my life expecting that they might be murdered or fall in a Heffalump trap on a daily basis.

I expect to be told if someone isn’t coming home for dinner and if they’re staying out all night.

In the example of her going out after doing the pony - unless she was supposed to be doing something in the house or specifically with you i wouldn’t expect a text.

She’s an adult. And it’s extra difficult when they have vulnerabilities, but they’re still entitled to live like young adults.

Nope. I only expect it if its very late at night or if their change of plans directly impacts me.

We live rurally with a number of small towns around us and very scattered friends. We had a deal with my children-they let me which town they were in. And a message saying they were staying out whatever time it was so if I woke up to an empty bed, I also woke up knowing it was OK. Oh, and bedroom doors left open when they went out and shut when they for home.

In the example of her going out after doing the pony - unless she was supposed to be doing something in the house or specifically with you i wouldn’t expect a text.

I agree. And also I agree with PP saying that you can't always worry that something has happened to them because they don't tell you where they are or what they are doing.

It is rude not to be told if you are being cooked for but apart from that no not really

I actually disagree with the previous posters about the pony issue. That is probably one of the few times I would expect a text as handling horses can be dangerous and I'd wany to know she was OK. Other times I wouldn't be as bothered

Sounds like you'd like the Life360 app.

It's family tracking - ie she will know where you are st any given time and you will know where she is. Not dissimilar to Snapmaps, if you use Snapchat.

I have a nearly 19yo DD and a nearly 18yo DS. From sixth form age, we have an agreement that I don't pass comment on where they are, on the agreement/negotiation that they keep using the Life360 app.

I find it hugely reassuring to be able to see my DD is in a nightclub (so relatively safe) at 2am and then should I look, I can she when she's safely in a taxi, reached her mates house or whatever.

It stops all if the "where are you?" type texts. They will automatically tell me what their plans are for the day, because its accepted I will always know. I can see when they are on their way home, which helps with meal times. I would still expect to know if they won't be home for dinner though.

All this works both ways. So, for example, I might get an unprompted request to buy xyz because they've spotted on Life360 that I'm at the shops. Or if I'm late home from work they can check and see why (if I left work late, or popped to do a chore etc).

I know some find the idea of family tracking awful. I think I thought the same before we started using it years ago. But the real-life use of it is definitely more helpful than sinister. Especially so in families that are generally open and trusting with each other.

Thanks all

I don’t particularly want to track her, and I don’t need to know the ins and outs of what she’s doing, where she is and who she’s with, just if plans have changed, she lets me know.

Yesterday, for example, as she left, she told me she’d be straight back. Or, she’s told me she finishes work at 4 and coming straight home and wants dinner, but ends up meeting friends and going for a drink - it’s all cool, just quick “change of plan, back tonight” text is all I’ve asked for.

I’m not worrying that she’s going to get murdered, but her disabilities do make her vulnerable - she has seizures and some other physical issues sometimes.

I think tracking teenagers is verging on abuse, frankly.

I only expect a text if i was expecting then home for dinner or anything that effected me directly. I don't need to know where they are/who they're with at all times - i certainly wouldn't track them! They're adults!

My dc have disabilities too.

Not if the teenager agrees to it, and maybe prefers it, because then she doesn't have to keep texting her mum whenever her plans change. OP, have you asked her if a tracking app would work better for both of you? My teens don't mind having the app. If they didn't want it I wouldn't make them.

One of mine has narcolepsy so I do understand where you are coming from.

Ultimately though all you can do is ask, but understand that she is an adult so you need to accept that she might decide not to.

I don’t agree with tracking. I don’t want my children to think it normal for partners to track each other. My DD with narcolepsy would share her location with one person when she went anywhere new alone, or when she had a new medication, but only in those very limited circumstances. She’s already (she’s still at Uni) dumped two boyfriends for them getting pushy about tracking apps being something needed all the time.

When they were at college I expected to be told of rough plans (especially as all the buses stop running at 5.30pm and both dc are autistic). At weekends/holidays I need to know whether I am cooking for them and when the house can be locked up at night.

Now ds is at uni/dd is working I only expect to be told if they are expected home at all so I know whether to lock up. Or if they have said they will be wanting to eat at home and that changes.

Both dd and ds have jobs that involve working at night so they are often out late. Dd has been living away from home for the past 5 years but has recently returned home as she has got a new job.

I'd expect to be told if it effects you eg. You made dinner and she wasn't in to eat it or you were waiting up to lock the door but she stayed out overnight. For the example of the daytime festival I'm not sure who is been unreasonable.

If you would normally get her lunch and arrange your day around her been there, she should have told you. If she normally shorts her own lunch while you do your own thing, then I can see why she wouldn't think to tell you and maybe finds it a bit intrusive.

Ds willingly has find my iphone but I don't track him. It's used ostly when he is with me and can;t find his phone.

Dd has Life 360 but has it turned off. She turns it on in specific situations such as when she was viewing house shares in a new city.

Me to. It's appalling.

I don't think its unreasonable to expect a quick text. Your not tracking her just asking for a quick update. If my son told me he was going to the shop and then didn't come home until hours later without telling me he'd run into a friend and is now doing something else I'd worry something had happened. It' really not a lot to ask.

I expect to be told if they aren't in for meal times or will be staying out overnight.

Teenagers all track each other on snapmaps. I think those so anti it are simply out of touch with modern tech young adults use.

My (almost) 19yo has a Life360 circle with her best friend group.

My 21-year-old is pretty good. He'll send me a quick text at stupid o'clock to say he heading home, or whatever.

When he's at uni, I don't even think about where he is - but in the holidays, I worry for some reason.

"Not if the teenager agrees to it, and maybe prefers it, because then she doesn't have to keep texting her mum whenever her plans change."

Even then. How is it teaching them to be responsible for themselves and to manage their relationships with each other? If tracking is normalised, are they going to say no if a boyfriend/girlfriend wants to track them? And what if it gives them a false sense of security? Such a bad idea for so many ways.

"Teenagers all track each other on snapmaps. I think those so anti it are simply out of touch with modern tech young adults use."

I'm not at all out of touch. We're not talking about teenagers tracking each other. We're talking about parents tracking their children.

Context is everything.

So, if she left saying she'd be back straight after her pony, then yes, she should tell you that her plans had changed. Similarly, if you had plans for lunch or she was supposed to do something at home, if that changed, I'd expect her to be in touch.

I would not expect an 18 year old leaving the house in the morning to routinely update me on her plans/activities during the day.

Similarly, in the evening - if you usually all have dinner together and/or you cook for her, I would 100% expect a message if she's not home for dinner/doesn't need it. But I would not expect a message if she's gone for a quick drink after work and will be home at 7 instead of 5:30.

When we visit my dad, I always chuckle at how quickly we slip back into these patterns - we leave the house in the morning with a cheery wave and a vague idea to him of what we are doing. We agree in advance if we are home for dinner or not. If we were said we'd be home, I let him know if plans change. If we always said we wouldn't, I let him know what we are doing, broadly - eg at Maggie's for dinner, home late.

I'm nearly 50.