Do your older teens/young adults let you know what they’re up to/if their plans change?

[blinkybell]

DD2 is newly 18 and has some disabilities which can make her vulnerable so I do ask her to keep me updated when she’s out and about.

I don’t want a blow by blow account of where she is, what she’s doing or who she’s with, but to just drop me a text if plans change and she ends up going out after work/college and will be home late or something like that, whether she wants dinner, whether she’s staying at her boyfriend’s, etc.

She’s 18, I’m not going to tell her she can’t do these things or anything like that or get into a debate about it, but if she finishes work at 5pm and is not home by 8pm, then I’m a bit miffed that she hasn’t sent a quick text to tell me she’a meeting her friends and won’t be home until late.

We got in to a bit of an argument about it yesterday. That I’m checking up on her all the time - she left the house just after 7am to do her pony saying that she’d be back. I’d expect her home 10/10:30am at the latest. At 1pm I sent a quick text and it turned out she met her boyfriend and they went off to a local festival for the day. Not a problem, but please just send me a quick text.

Like I say, I don’t want the ins and outs, just a quick “change of plans, won’t/will be home for dinner/be home tonight” text. Is that unreasonable?

My young adult dc is very considerate and will always text me to keep me updated. My mid teen, not so much.

My DD is also 18. I’m less concerned about her daytime plans, but I expect a text if she won’t be home for dinner or if she’s staying out late/staying over at a friend’s.

On Saturday, for example, she went out while DH, DS and I were watching a film upstairs and we later wondered where she was. DS said that she’d mentioned going to a friend’s so we texted and got confirmation that she’d be back about 12. We reminded her to just let us know when she’s going out so we don’t think she’s a burglar!

Not all teens are the same…

Of my elder three, and my nephew who lived with us, only my Dd with narcolepsy ever used tracking on occasion.

They all specifically turned off snapmaps as it’s nicknamed stalkermaps around here.

And even if they did use it with friends that’s still very different from a parent tracking their adult child.

And even if they did use it with friends that’s still very different from a parent tracking their adult child.

That's you projecting. You start by saying not all teens are the same. Then end by thinking you talk for all parent / adult child behaviours. You don't.

For my older teen DD, the family Life360 circle is exactly the same as her Besties Life360 circle. You can project on some sinister connotation to family tracking - its just not there with our family. We're as open and secure with each other as a circle of best friends are. It's not the big deal you imagine for our family. It might be a big deal for your family. You do you.

It’s not the same.

Just because it’s not sinister in your family doesn’t remotely make it exactly the same at all.

parents and child relationships are not tbt same as friends.

Yes. You do you. I wasn’t the one calling anyone with a different opinion to me out of touch…

I ask mine to tell me if he’s not coming home for the night or for his tea, that way I can lock up/settle down/put any leftovers in the fridge. I sometimes check in with him if I’ve not seen him for a while, because he has a few vulnerabilities too, but most of his friends have my number and if there was anything terrible going on I’d get a call.

I should add, they have my number because one of his things is losing his phone frequently, so he often borrows theirs. I’ve not insisted they have it or anything.

For my older teen DD, the family Life360 circle is exactly the same as her Besties Life360 circle.

I've got teenagers and none of them track their friends phones. Saying that people who don't track each other aren't 'up to date' is absolutely preposterous.

What would you think if your dd got a boyfriend and he said that he wanted to track her phone so he could know where she is all of the time so that he didn't have to contact her to ask her where she was? Would you think that was a good idea?

All three of my adult kids would text if they were not coming back for dinner or if they went out and were not coming back to sleep as in staying at a friends. I did not question them where they were going or who with as they don't like too many questions at that age but I expected the above at least and anymore information was a bonus.

I have a very open and loving relationship with my young adult children. It is not, and I wouldn't want it to be, the same as their friendship circle. And, frankly, it shouldn't be.

Re. Tracking apps. We discussed it with DD and mutually decided that we weren’t going to do it. Some of her friends’ families do and that’s their choice. We all use many other apps, it’s not because we’re technophobes!

I think she should have quickly messaged you to say her plans had changed.

If someone (whoever it is), says they’ll be back at the normal time and they’re not, a slight worry or doubt starts to creep in with me.

I think it’s a polite common courtesy.

The problem with youngsters is they know they’re alright, but we don’t, and that can be a worry.

I’d probably expect a quick text if she specifically told you she would be home straight after doing her pony. I think both my dds 15 & 18 would text in that situation.

dd2 only being 15 will text me while I’m at work with what she’s doing and where she’s going. Dd1 18 mostly doesn’t, but would if she was driving somewhere a distance away, wasn’t going to be back for tea, was going to be back late in the evening, if she’d told be she would be home at a certain time but was going to be much later etc.

These aren’t rules that have been laid down, but just what has naturally occurred. I would let me dds know where I am and what’s happening in the same way.

Yanbu op. I think it’s common courtesy to text if plans change. As you say you’re not expecting a blow by blow account of what she’s doing…a simple “Wont be home til late” will do. It takes seconds!
If I’m running late or my plans change, I ping a text in our family group chat on the off chance that anyone is wondering where I am! I do ask my kids to do the same and they don’t seem to find it intrusive.

Thanks all

I definitely won’t be tracking her. We do have find my iphone or whatever it’s called on our phones and she can share her location with me if she needs to - we have had to use it once after she had multiple seizures one day and she was really groggy and wasn’t able to tell me where she was, but could share her location so we could find her and pick her up. As a general rule, we don’t track either of our girls.

If I’m running late or my plans change, I ping a text in our family group chat on the off chance that anyone is wondering where I am! I do ask my kids to do the same and they don’t seem to find it intrusive.

Same. If I’m out and get waylaid, I will ping them a text otherwise they’re all like “Mum, where are you?”

Like I say, I don’t need the ins and outs of what she’s doing, where she is or who she’s with. Just that plans have changed, be home later.

I was more miffed with her Sunday tbh. She had said she was coming straight back and whilst her pony is very sweet, accidents while handling horses are not unheard of. I ended up with broken ribs and some very pretty bruises a little while ago through my own stupid fault and it was all over in a split second.

She texted me after work last night to say she’d be late - and to ask if I could lend her a tenner so she could go to McDonald’s. She can do it when it suits her.

I expect to be told if it impacts me eg if I'm giving lifts to/from a bus stop or making a meal. Otherwise I don't think it would bother me although not really been in that situation yet. I do have life 360 with their agreement so can look if I need to.