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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

19 Year Old Housework and Rent

37 replies

jimjam2313w · 11/08/2023 08:44

Our 19 year old doesn't help out at home. He recently (5 weeks ago) left his job to become unemployed. Now he and his girlfriend sleep most of the day.

I'm a full time carer for my partner and clean the house every Friday at 9.30. I spoke to my son during the week and told him that he should help with the cleaning as he is unemployed and it isn't fair on me. He agreed and said he would help on Friday morning.

Yesterday he told me he disagreed with the Friday plans and then said that it was not normal for me to charge him rent. He said "nobody else does this". I reminded him that because of my partner's health issues I was adamant he would pay rent if he left school without going to college, university or an apprenticeship etc. Son got very upset and left the house.

Now he is staying over at his girlfriend's home. Not sure what to do when he inevitably returns and acts like everything is normal.

Any thoughts?

OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · 11/08/2023 08:46

Let him stay at gf. Her parents will soon say the same as you

Def charge him rent and unless looks for a job /helps with cleaning not allowed to stay

YakChewCrumbs · 11/08/2023 08:47

if he wants to be treated as an adult he needs to act like one. It isn't 'helping' it is doing his fair share. Perhaps he could do the same jobs as you but on a different day, say Monday so everything's easier when it's your day?

Fireyflies · 11/08/2023 08:50

I don't think you can really charge him rent while he's unemployed as he's no means of paying it. I would charge him a bit towards food - we charge ours £30/week for food and bills. If he's not about to get another job then he should go and sign on for JSA which will be enough to cover food. They may also hassle him to find a job, which will be useful.

MossCow · 11/08/2023 08:51

So he thinks he should, as an adult, have no job and just sleep? And everyone he knows is not working and sleeping whilst paying no bills?

I've got a nineteen year old too and she is lazy around the house. I have to say 'hang the washing out' and it drives me up the wall as I definitely feel like I didn't bring her up to be entitled which is how I see it.

She's at university and has had a fast food job since she was sixteen though.

Dotcheck · 11/08/2023 08:51

Is the partner his dad?
Does your partner contribute / help with housework?
I’m just wondering if maybe your son thinks he should be looked after in the same way?

Of course he should pay rent and should help around the house.
What are his plans to get back to work? Does he have any qualifications?

Fireyflies · 11/08/2023 08:54

On housework - if he won't help with the collective jobs, you could at least require him to do all his own cleaning, laundry, etc. Ultimately your last resort option is to chuck him out. How far you push him depends how much you would like him to leave Vs would worry that'll be a bad thing for him. (Eg if the GF's parents allow him to slob around and get no job)

Original poster
jimjam2313w · 11/08/2023 09:03

I don't think GF's parents charge her rent and she is not working also. I am the husband and my wife suffers from depression and mental health issues. I try to speak to my son about this man to man, telling him how his actions affect his mother. He does not seem to care.

I care for my wife full time and operate a local business and some online services to make extra money.

I warned my son when he was about to leave school that because of his mother's issues he would need to pay rent to prevent what he is now doing - not working and sleeping all day.

OP posts:
Original poster
jimjam2313w · 11/08/2023 09:12

I don't want to ask him to leave but I don't know what kind of son I am raising who won't do his share and doesn't care about the wellbeing of his mother.

OP posts:
Dotcheck · 11/08/2023 09:20

OP
Surely your first concern should be that your 19 year old son doesn’t seem to have any future prospects?

Did you have to quit your job to look after your wife?

Di you think this has had an effect on your son?

Original poster
jimjam2313w · 11/08/2023 09:24

Of course I am concerned he has no future prospects. But he has resisted everything I have done to encourage him to find training, college, etc.

I quit my job because my self employed business became viable. This allowed me to be a stay at home dad and earn money at the same time. Yes this has definitely had an effect on our son.

OP posts:
Original poster
jimjam2313w · 11/08/2023 09:31

He said to me last night "If I leave home I'll never speak to you again"

But I have responsibilities to help him grow as a person and I don't know what to do. I don't think turning off the wifi will cut it this time around.

OP posts:
Fireyflies · 11/08/2023 09:33

Do you think maybe he resents his mum for being ill and that that's the reason you've given for him having to pay rent? I think you might be better to drop the rent request but push harder on the get a job and pay his own way (ie food and bills, but not a contribution to the household rent or mortgage, which - frankly - you'd have those costs anyway whether he lives at home or not). He should do that simply because it's what adults do. What everyone does. Not some special requirement for him because his mum is unwell. His mum's mental health is not ultimately his responsibility. And I don't think it's fair for you to imply that it is.

Original poster
jimjam2313w · 11/08/2023 12:52

Regardless of his mum's health, etc, he was clearly told that if he did not go to further education he had to pay digs. He also needs to contribute in the house, which he does not. I don't believe that he should stay without doing his share of housework.

OP posts:
trulyunruly01 · 11/08/2023 13:31

Lots of people on MN will say their young working adults don't pay rent. Mine DO and I had exactly the same outlook as you - whilst in education and training I expect3d no contribution. Once working, I expect a contribution (even if I put it aside for them) and I expect them to take part in the running of the household. No room for layabouts or piss-takers here.
I'd do something that, if he should decide to come back, there has to be a discussion. You don't want to come home from shopping one day to find him installed in his old bedroom watching Netflix, his return a fait accompli.
'Lose your keys' (ahem) and get the lock changed. That means he cannot get in without asking to return and instigating a discussion of the terms.

Original poster
jimjam2313w · 11/08/2023 13:39

trulyunruly01: This is what I really want to do, but am worried about him going off the rails etc. How has it worked out with yours?

OP posts:
trulyunruly01 · 11/08/2023 13:42

When I say 'running the household' I mean keeping their bathroom and toilet clean, doing all their own washing and laundry, letting me know if they want to opt in to the family dinner that night and if not, sorting themselves out and cleaning up the kitchen afterwards.
If they're removing my finished washing to put their own in, I'd expect them to hang mine or put it in the dryer. If it's dog dinner time, feed the dog. If it's bin day, and I text that I've forgotten, put the bins out.

I asked them to look on spareroom to see what a local flat/houseshare would cost them and come back and tell me. I told them to take into account what they were getting here including laundry sundries, toilet paper, my support and advice, food staples, really good Wi-Fi, Sky tv etc., someone to look after them if they were sick. When they told me the cost of a local room I could tell they were shocked and worried. No need - I charge them half that. But if they don't pay their housekeeping on time I'm on to them - because that's how the world works, the landlord's not gonna let them off rent because they overspent on ASOS that month.

trulyunruly01 · 11/08/2023 13:46

By 'losing the keys' you're not telling him you don't want him back. You're making sure that there is space for a discussion before he comes back. Have a set of keys ready for him.
What's confrontational about "I thought I told you, I lost my keys so thought I better get the lock changed, you know what it's like nowadays, there's a set for you hanging there but first..."

Mirabai · 11/08/2023 13:49

You’re doing the right thing OP.

"If I leave home I'll never speak to you again" is not a very mature or considered threat.

Redburnett · 11/08/2023 13:50

I think you need a different approach.
First, lower your expectations, teenagers generally do not do housework (have you ever visited a student house?).
Second, teenagers are not interested in their impact on their parents, they are too busy coming to terms with their own psyche and growing up. His mother's mental health is not your son's responsibility.

It might be more effective to start gently talking about what your son might do in terms of a career/future plans, encouraging him to explore different options and looking at ways to reach his goals.
Focusing on housework and nagging is likely to alienate your son and lead to arguments, whereas being interested in his future might open the door to a more rational discussion about what he is doing now.

SoCentralRain · 11/08/2023 13:52

He said to me last night "If I leave home I'll never speak to you again"

Nah, he’s pushing his luck, he sounds very immature. My DS same age pays us a contribution to living costs and does a bit of his own washing/cooking sometimes but he works full time. If he was unemployed I would make him do more chores whilst looking for a job asap. Most of my DS’s friends pay their parents too so don’t believe him when he says nobody else does.

If I were you I’d lay out the ground rules to him that he has to stick to when he comes back ie you pay us ££, you do such and such chores (most of them while he’s not working!) and when you get a job the chores will be reduced to…whatever and we will expect xx% of your pay. He cannot expect to be a grown adult sponging off his parents (unless of course he were at college).

Don’t let him manipulate you.

SoCentralRain · 11/08/2023 13:54

Also why doesn’t his GF have a job either?

Yalta · 16/11/2023 09:25

What effect does his mother’s mental health have on him?

What effect did his mother’s mental health have on him when he was growing up?

I suspect that there is history of some sort of hidden abuse

You are caring for your wife now but remember as a young boy he would have been the one who would have felt the full for the of her depression

I think you have more issues than him not doing housework.

What exactly does your life and his mother’s life look like because it sounds like no one is visably going to work in your family and you are expecting money and help when no one gave him money or help growing up with a mother who had depression

I suspect that the love that is normally felt by children towards their parents has been broken and I think the way forward should be therapy for both you and you ds and your dw both individually and as a family

There is more going for on than what you see on the surface

Original poster
jimjam2313w · 16/11/2023 13:39

The answers here have been very useful. We're trying to move forward, supporting our son as best we can. Thanks for all of your support and help.

OP posts:
sashh · 14/12/2023 07:48

Another vote for change the locks.

Until he starts contributing he gets nothing, no girlfriend staying over, no food, no wifi.

I like the idea of getting him to look at how much a room costs if he leaves.

Yalta · 14/12/2023 17:56

*sashh · Today 07:48

Another vote for change the locks.

Until he starts contributing he gets nothing, no girlfriend staying over, no food, no wifi.

I like the idea of getting him to look at how much a room costs if he leaves*

My mother did this and I moved out because it was cheaper renting a room with all the bills, food and everything that goes with renting than to pay my mother what she wanted for “keep”