19 Year Old Housework and Rent

[jimjam2313w]

Our 19 year old doesn't help out at home. He recently (5 weeks ago) left his job to become unemployed. Now he and his girlfriend sleep most of the day.

I'm a full time carer for my partner and clean the house every Friday at 9.30. I spoke to my son during the week and told him that he should help with the cleaning as he is unemployed and it isn't fair on me. He agreed and said he would help on Friday morning.

Yesterday he told me he disagreed with the Friday plans and then said that it was not normal for me to charge him rent. He said "nobody else does this". I reminded him that because of my partner's health issues I was adamant he would pay rent if he left school without going to college, university or an apprenticeship etc. Son got very upset and left the house.

Now he is staying over at his girlfriend's home. Not sure what to do when he inevitably returns and acts like everything is normal.

Any thoughts?

How long has his mothers mental health being this bad? Does she do chores pay rent etc?

because out sounds as if his upbringing has caused him to have mental health issues as well which you see, to be treating by telling him to simply get on with it. Which clearly didn’t work for his mother or indeed is what is happening

As someone who grew up with a mother with mental health issues (I sincerely hope not as bad as my own mother’s) I recognise a lot of the rhetoric now you have taken over looking after your wife.

What you have to realise is that your ds has had years of being your wife’s verbal punching bag emotional support when you have not been present in the house.
For this you now get recognised and paid as your wife’s carer yet he was expected to do it for free and you don’t seem to have acknowledged what he has been through

I used to get the “why can’t you be like Jane or Anna or Susan who do things for their mother” “why can’t you be a normal child”
Probably because Jane, Anna and Susan didn’t have mothers who wanted their daughters to join them in a suicide pact at 8 years old or tried to kill them by putting badly crushed up sleeping pills in their food.

You cant expect your ds to be like his peers if they didn’t grow up with a mother who had mental health issues

From an outsiders POV you have suddenly ridden to the rescue of your wife and are trying to fix everything and are dismissing your ds’s childhood as something that needs to be forgotten or don’t appreciate how much the experiences of a mentally ill mother has affected him and just expect him to be a man or act like his peers

I suggest going forward you open up the dialogue with your ds out of earshot of your wife. Acknowledge what his childhood must have been like and apologise for everything he has experienced whilst you were out of the house working.

It won’t happen over night and there will be a lot of anger from him towards his mother and you for putting him in this position. Please don’t mention a word he says to your wife as that would just be breaking his trust in you and would be the final nail in your relationship.

I think therapy for your ds is definitely the minimum he needs and maybe some father and son joint therapy to have him explain in a safe environment what he went through and how it made him feel.

Otherwise I would believe him when he says if you make him move out he won’t speak to you ever again.

I left home at 16
married at 17 and went fully NC with my family and moved to the other end of the country at 19.

I know this was ages ago but how is the situation now? Have the same problem but I’m a carer for my mum and my sister does nothing to help, she also quit her job a month into it. We’ve had discussions before that I am not my sisters carer but she still doesn’t get the point. She’ll make toast or something and leave a mess, there’s 3 cats that need feeding/watering which I do while juggling other things(she used to just feed them and make me do water) Mum doesn’t want to tell her to do stuff of fear of disruption but if I sat on my arse all day long like that it wouldn’t be on.

I understand your frustration. Unfortunately 19 year olds are often pretty self centred and sometimes you need to cut your losses.

My priority would be (has been with mine) to push on getting a job / studying. That is key. No teen is going to be truly interested in keeping their parents' house clean or supporting their parent on an adult level.

I think your focus, therefore, has been on the wrong thing. Mine live at home but both have jobs and we insist they pay their own way for all their personal needs - phone, travel, social life, clothes etc. And we'd like them to keep their rooms clean and tidy - that's a work in progress with various mental health issues and one being something of a shopaholic. But we are gradually making headway.

To me, relationship is key. I'd rather extend the parenting and accept their shortcomings, but continue to have high aspirations for them.

Not everyone on MN will agree with this, the "kick them out" brigade. But I can see that they do mature over time and if they need my support to do that, I'm happy to give it.

Whoops, didn't see this was an old thread.

@L671you might want to try an @ to get the OP’s attention.

Your situation does sound particularly difficult though. Are you your DM’s Carer fulltime?

And I’d love to know how @jimjam2313wis doing too

thanks for your reply and funny enough I am 22 so not that far of her age and got my own chronic illness but I don’t use that to be lazy. Her ex actually had chrons and she literally said if I had that I’d be lazy (she already is!) . and was at her “caring “ job for a month and thinking of maternity pay and calling in sick most shifts. Yet she wont even help around the house. I had to get surgery for my chronic illness so couldn’t do much for myself and asked her to help but she did not my mother had to help and I felt so guilty as I am caring for her. So yes it’s a difficult one

Just wanted to update, briefly, and tell people how things are going.

Didn't throw my son out, and glad I did not. He now works full time in a job where he excels, shines and is happy. We have various issues at home, but we work together to support each other with health and other challenges.

Son will soon be moving into his own place. He and his partner are both working full time. They both have health issues but their employers are supportive.

I won't be monitoring or visiting this thread again but would like to thank everyone for their input and support.

I think I learned that it was better to support and understand my son's issues than to give heavy ultimatums and damage our relationship beyond repair. I'm blessed that my wife was able to help me understand his situation well enough that I didn't mess things up completely. It took me a long time to learn that telling someone with health issues to "just get on with it" doesn't work.

Wishing everyone the very best with their own individual and family challenges.

Let him stew at his girlfriend's gaff. Her parents will soon get sick of the pair of them as well. Of course, an adult should pay digs. You're absolutely, positively 100% in the right here.

Encourage both of them to live at girlfriend’s parents’ house.

Glad to hear your update OP