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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Teens who rely on me to still entertain them

40 replies

wendall456 · 08/08/2023 13:53

I have a problem with my teens 17 and 15 which I feel bad posting about because I think when I hear how other people struggle with their teens I should be very grateful that I have kids that want to spend time with me and I don't want to be on games consoles 24/7.....

School time is fine as eldest has a job and when not at school has work to do or is at work - youngest does lots of helping at school clubs and performing but the holidays are the issue.

We don't have any games console and kids have zero interest in gaming or sport but both are very active so like to be busy all the time. Again in school time they have lots of friends - but not so much in the holidays as they don't like hanging out in groups and both hate drinking and vaping and don't feel safe being out and about with out an adult. So they want me to entertain them, just like when they were younger but we can't do parks, family fun days or library activities etc like when they were younger. They like going for walks, having an ice cream, mcdonalds or shopping but they don't like just staying in as they have no indoor hobbies. I work in a school and all I want to do is stay in some days and read my book or catch up with netflix because the term time is so busy with all the activities etc that in the term time I don't stop....... Why can't I have kids that want to be on a xbox??? I would get some time to myself then.

I have said tomorrow I want a day at home to do what I want "read and watch TV" so they have to entertain themselves. I suggested they go out without me on the bus but they don't like going out on their own without an adult!!!!!! Why? They are 17 and 15 and I want a bit of a life now.. . My DD said she really struggles now as family time has been cancelled by me and her dad. I want them to discover the world without relying on me and my DH. Is that so bad??? Anyone else have teens like this. As yet I haven't met anyone in real life with kids quite like mine.

OP posts:
Freshair1 · 08/08/2023 13:56

Find a coffee shop, dump them there. Sorted. I say that in total seriousness. Make sure they can walk back.

Sleepydoor · 08/08/2023 14:02

My DD said she really struggles now as family time has been cancelled by me and her dad.

@wendall456 What does she mean by this? Does she just mean you and her dad are spending less time overall or have you and her dad told them that "family time" or a well established family night or activity that you have always done is cancelled?

TheProvincialLady · 08/08/2023 14:08

What’s the worst thing that could happen if you just say - you’re too old for me to entertain you. We will go out together as a family X times a week/month/whatever but outside of that time, your time is your own. if you’re really unable to find something to do I will happily allocate you chores.

If the worse outcome is ‘boredom’ and/ore moaning, I would find it very difficult to care very much. It’s long past the time when they should have found some interests or drive to learn skills/socialise. You taking them to endless days out is only putting off the inevitable.

OhComeOnFFS · 08/08/2023 14:11

I'm surprised they're not into sport if they're very active. I was going to suggest a gym membership for them.

Could you interest them in something like crochet or knitting or making jewellery or clothes?

Strugglingtodomybest · 08/08/2023 14:11

Have you asked them why they don't like to go out without an adult? This is the most worrying bit of what you've said, imo.

CobraKaiNeverLoses · 08/08/2023 14:12

Your 17 year old doesn’t like going out without an adult? Have they said this to you or is it something you’ve surmised?

Strugglingtodomybest · 08/08/2023 14:12

Otherwise, I agree with giving them chores to do, that should stop them nagging you!

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 08/08/2023 14:13

Can’t they go out together- ie. Here’s £30 go to Nando’s or the cinema

BoohooWoohoo · 08/08/2023 14:16

Is your 17 year old off to uni in a year? I'd be very concerned that they couldn't go out with no adults and didn't like going out in groups. Not everyone is drinking and vaping as my heaving local McDonalds and Costa shows.

BoohooWoohoo · 08/08/2023 14:16

If they don't do some chores, would they do some diy like painting walls ?

Fatandmenopausal · 08/08/2023 14:32

I’d would swap with you in an instant. I have 2 teens that don’t want to anything with me and I hate it. Even getting them to the dinner table seems like a chore for them.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 08/08/2023 14:34

My dd is like this, but she is ND. I’m her best friend. It’s exhausting!

mamaduckbone · 08/08/2023 15:00

This doesn't sound all that normal, and that's coming as a teacher mum who craves more family time with my teenagers.

I think you need to stop feeling guilty for meeting your needs too in the holidays and let them get on with it to a degree, even if it does mean they're bored.

They could cook a meal, read, craft, do a DIY project as others have said, or go out together. In a way it's lovely that they want to spend time with you but it's also time you helped them build some independence and resilience.

IglesiasPiggl · 08/08/2023 15:30

What kind of area do you live in? From the way your kids express it, it sounds like an inner city with a risk of gang recruitment or similar. My teenagers don't like vaping and drinking so have friends who also aren't into it. A 17 year old not wanting to go out without an adult sounds like someone who has got into the habit of you doing all the thinking for her. Could you at least send them to the supermarket to pick up some things and have them cook dinner?

Original poster
wendall456 · 08/08/2023 15:46

My youngest is autistic and my eldest does struggle with anxiety - but my 15 yr old is very confident and so my eldest feels safe with him. When the pandemic hit my DD17 was really beginning to gain her independence and was often out and about but then became really scared of getting back out in the world after covid. Neither have ever really been into any type of technology they have phones and all the normal apps insta, snapchat etc but are no means glued to it because they are so busy but not so much in the holidays, although next week for the next 3 weeks my DD has alot more hours at work so that will keep her busy . My DS has just been asked in the last 20 mins if he is able to help at a holiday club for the next 2 weeks. So at least I will have a bit of time next week.

They both need to find like minded people to themselves to hang out with. There must be teens out there that don't game or hang out at the park!!! My DS looked for a job this summer but is a bit too young but is already looking for something for next year. They just don't seem to have much in common with other people their age and i do worry that they are going to miss out on being teenagers by growing up too quickly. In one respect they are very grown up as they find kids their own age immature and shallow but on the other hand because they feel scared and intimidated when out and about they are very young for their age. As kids they used to really fight like mad but now are like best friends because they rely on each other for company. They both have friends but they only really see them at school or work and organised activities.

OP posts:
BibbleandSqwauk · 09/08/2023 15:43

I wouldn't worry too much about them "missing out" as such. I'll happily let mine miss out on hanging about in a park and getting into bother (DS especially likely to be led astray) but I know what you mean about growing their independence. Can you try what a pp suggested..take them to town with a plan for cinema / swimming / shopping etc but then leave them to it with a pick up tbc when their ready. Tell them you expect them to have eaten so they have to choose a Nandos or McD or whatever. Baby steps. Work up to "and get the bus home" and so on.

Bibbetybobbity · 09/08/2023 17:39

Really interesting conundrum OP, and I can understand the impact of the pandemic tbh, they’ve missed some rites of passage and for your older teen especially it seems to have had an impact. I’d worry about them finding peers shallow (whilst also feeling intimidated) because I bet this is coming across and would be a shame if this hampered friendships at uni/apprenticeships. I think I’d step back and just confidently say ‘I’m sure you’ll think of something’ when they say they’re bored, and a cheery ‘we have tennis/swimming/pizza night on weds’ if they say they’re sad about missing family time. Teenagers can be very literal at times (and a bit dramatic!), but unless there’s a big underlying issue they’re also resourceful and given enough space will find a way…. Good luck- it’s not easy I know.

waterrat · 11/08/2023 07:01

I have an autistic child who I can imagine being like this when older -

I think you have to take a deep breath OP and just say no! Say - this is part of learning to be an independent human!

If you want them to develop the. normal levels of independence - you have to act as people did a generation ago - they just said off you go out into the world, I'm here if you need advice but I'm busy doing housework/ freelance work/ whatever the hell many parents are doing.

The 17 year old needs those steps into the world - if it ends up they are bored - so be it! that is the lesson.

gogomoto · 11/08/2023 07:25

My DD's are the same distance apart, one autistic and they happily put their hands out for money and took themselves off in the holidays. But mine had been pretty much looking after themselves for years in holiday's because I work, they hated holiday play schemes so instead stayed home or went to the library/museum/shops (all near my work). You need to give them the confidence to be alone basically and the only way you can do it is by leaving them at home or sending them out for increasing amounts of time. Many 17 year olds are about to leave home!

KvotheTheBloodless · 11/08/2023 07:26

Are you sure your 17 year old isn't autistic? Remember it presents differently in girls, they're much better at masking it.

Back to the point, they'll just have to learn to be bored! If you're feeling kind, you could give them a huge list of hobbies and tell them they have to pick 3 to try, but they must do it off their own backs (organise it all/go and buy equipment or supplies).

redskytwonight · 11/08/2023 07:40

I found your statement that they have lots of friends at school but not in the holidays and not much in common with people your age interesting. It suggests that they get on well enough with people when they don't spend that much time with them or are at a shared club but struggle to form deeper friendships. Plus they are used to life in term time being pretty much scheduled up with "stuff" so they don't have to fill spaces of time.

May be worth working on social skills? Can you encourage them to organise something with 1 friend? Although I agree with PP that it's a good skill to be able to occupy yourself. "Hanging out in the park" is basically just a group of teens chatting - maybe getting food, maybe going for a walk, maybe just talking. Not feeling they can/want to do that and have to have an aim is unusual.

TooMuchRainTonight · 11/08/2023 08:17

KvotheTheBloodless · 11/08/2023 07:26

Are you sure your 17 year old isn't autistic? Remember it presents differently in girls, they're much better at masking it.

Back to the point, they'll just have to learn to be bored! If you're feeling kind, you could give them a huge list of hobbies and tell them they have to pick 3 to try, but they must do it off their own backs (organise it all/go and buy equipment or supplies).

I was wondering the same tbh. Everyone I know personally with autistic girls only saw anxiety first. That was the sign that the girls just couldn’t mask anymore.

My two are younger teens but I know they will both be similar to what you’ve described when older. Also autistic. Neither show any signs of wanting to grow up or have any independence. I feel a ridiculous parent sometimes trying to encourage them to use their phones more 😆

I agree on encouraging 1:1 friendships but group socialising can be really hard for ND people so I wouldn’t push that personally.

Do they have any special interests that you could encourage them investigating (independently) at home? One of mine is very sporty but when they can’t get out they watch lots of sport clips on YouTube and create PowerPoint guides on how to play it.

watcherintherye · 11/08/2023 08:21

Do you live rurally, so your kids have grown up used to being ferried everywhere? Could you get your 17yr old driving, maybe? It might help her to gain confidence about being able to do things on her own.

underneaththeash · 11/08/2023 08:28

Start with small steps.
book them into something on a bus route today - cinema or bowling or ice skating.
will they play board games together?
go on the bus with them and leave them there and then they can come back in the bus together.
next time they’ll hopefully be more confident by themselves.

next summer get the younger child booked into a drama camp for a week.

i’ve got two children the same ages and I think it’s lovely they want to spend time with you and together. Mine don’t go out with friends much, but spend time gaming.

Oneweektogo2023 · 11/08/2023 08:37

I would worry if my teenager was like this especially at 17. Maybe she needs some counseling because if she doesn’t adulthood how will she cope in the world?