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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Is this normal 14 year old behaviour?

35 replies

IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 07/08/2023 18:07

DS is 14. He's always been a bit insular, and had never had a huge group of friends, but has a couple of close friends and a wider group of 7 or 8.

For the last 18 months or so, he's made no attempt to socialise out of school at all. He only leaves the house (his room!) to go to school, or scouts/archery/orchestra/sailing. The last 3 are a drive away and he can only go if we drive him. It is extremely rare for him to ask to go, but he'll usually be keen if we ask if he wants to go. Scouts is local - in the village - but he never sees anyone from scouts, out of scouts.

We're now entering the third week of the summer holidays, and he's spent most of it in his room. Literally days at a time, leaving only for the bathroom or meals. He doesn't socialise with family - fine - but I wish he'd socialise with his peers. His best friend only lives about 20 mins walk away. I've even offered to drive him. Not interested. Not interested in any holiday activity, even those specifically aimed at his age group.

Is this normal? Have kids who are now 14/15 missed the stage of their kid where they learn to socialise because of lockdowns? Or is it just DS? Or laziness.

(11 yo DD on the other hand is barely ever in!).

OP posts:

Timeforabiscuit · 07/08/2023 18:15

My dd is 14/15, this is entirely normal for her, she does occasionally message one of her closer friends on group chat.

Not sure if it's a covid thing, she has gone out independently to meet up for the cinema and bowling.

She's happy with hanging out with family or in her room, that's the main thing.

Needmorelego · 07/08/2023 18:17

School plus 4 different activities….no wonder he wants to stay home.
If he seems happy in himself - then leave him be.

Timeforabiscuit · 07/08/2023 18:20

One thing is we have always insisted she joins in with family stuff with good grace and gets fresh air at least once a day - that and we do organise trips with her interests in mind.

She also very rules orientated, so would never push a boundary if its in place and doesn't occur to her to push against them as she is older - so I do need to remind her that she is allowed to organise things for herself.

Original poster

IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 07/08/2023 18:24

Needmorelego · 07/08/2023 18:17

School plus 4 different activities….no wonder he wants to stay home.
If he seems happy in himself - then leave him be.

Yes that does sound rather OTT!
Scouts is once a fortnight in term time only.
Orchestra is term time only.
Archery - hasn't wanted to go for weeks (fine), but also still expects me to renew his membership (£100/year).
Sailing - this is a very new thing, which he did with scouts at the end of last term. He's been once since. Not sure it it really counts as a thing yet.

OP posts:

MintJulia · 07/08/2023 18:25

Sounds fairly normal. My ds goes out twice a week, for swimming and martial arts. Apart from that he comes out of his room if we go out for supper or if I'm going anywhere near Waterstones, but otherwise, he's having a good time online.. I can often hear him laughing at YouTube.

On fine days he is always up for a cycle ride but doesn't like rain much.

Watchthedoormat · 07/08/2023 18:25

Orchestra, sailing and archery sound very niche.
How many of his friends are also interested in these activities?
Is his best friend interested in these things? Maybe they could go together?

Does he perhaps feel alienated as his friends are into another activity that he's not part of?

gogomoto · 07/08/2023 18:25

'It's normal. My dc were older than that when covid his, that's not the reason, it's just some like online more than going out

Original poster

IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 07/08/2023 18:26

@Timeforabiscuit - he's never initiated a cinema or bowling trip! I'd be delighted if he did.

OP posts:

daffodilandtulip · 07/08/2023 18:30

It's more than my 14yo does! I imagine he's socialising online in one way or another though. I do think it's partly habits formed in covid but partly some people are just happier that way. If he's happy, leave it.

junebirthdaygirl · 07/08/2023 18:45

My ds was like that at 14. Think it's an age thing. They are not great at initiating stuff so just drift along. This was before Covid. Gradually as he got older he began to get involved in more social outings and when he went to college it became nonstop. He now has a great circle of friends.
But 14 was definitely the stay at home stage.
He always joined family meals/ watched a bit of TV with family etc so it's good to have some interactive family stuff at least. And don't give him any impression he is acting wierd/ should have more friends etc as that will knock his confidence. Its a tricky age.
Could he do stuff with his Dad like pitch and putt or cycling etc?

HotPringles · 07/08/2023 18:46

Both my dcs were like this at that age.
They are now young adults, socialise, go out etc… Still spend quite a bit if time in their bedroom when they stay over

Needmorelego · 07/08/2023 18:49

I assume he isn’t just lying on his bed staring at the ceiling or sleeping all hours of the day.
If he is actually doing something (reading, writing, art, watching films etc) then I wouldn’t worry.

IrisBearded · 07/08/2023 18:50

My 14 DS is the same, makes me sad to see him holed up in his room, and he's just given up his last activity. He seems to have loads of school friends though.

He will come out with family for food/cinema or for activities which I have arranged. Which drives me mad as I'm at work most of the holidays and could do with him making his own entertainment.

Before lockdown he was out most evenings with friends

Idratherbepaddleboarding · 07/08/2023 19:16

DS is like this. Granted he doesn’t go to the local high school because he attends a grammar school in the nearest city but my work is reasonable flexible and my office is in that city so I’ve offered to drive him wherever he wants to go to meet up with friends but he wont organise anything. It makes me sad to see groups of teenagers hanging out when he’s just stuck in his room all week. He does have a group of friends that are our friends’ children so he sees them at weekends but he wont organise anything himself at all.

Comedycook · 07/08/2023 19:20

My ds is the same op...he is popular at school and has lots of friends but he only goes to football and school. Never goes to the cinema or to hang round a shopping centre. At his age, I was often out with friends. I do feel sad that covid happened when he was in year 7 and just finding his independence. I do feel it massively affected his ability to socialise. I think this is sadly now quite common with teens.

Ladyoftheknight · 07/08/2023 19:30

Yes, entirely normal I'm afraid. Try not to worry/pester him too much, he'll socialise when he fancies it.

YesitsBess · 07/08/2023 19:39

Mine is a bit like that, likes seeing his friends at all of his sports, will sometimes go out cycling with one friend but other than that he's quite happy giggling at funny videos of animals falling over etc.

I agree with PP though that doing a family thing and getting regular fresh air is important.

I booked mine for a holiday camp last summer, he hated the "enforced fun" as he put it and it was a fortune so this summer he'll just he hanging out at home, maybe a couple of day trips.

If your son seems happy I wouldn't worry too much. Also he's saving you a fortune, mine did cinema and bowling once with a friend and I barely got change from £50!

Original poster

IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 07/08/2023 19:52

Needmorelego · 07/08/2023 18:49

Sleeps late, YouTubes all day.

A couple of his mates go to the same archery club. Sailing is a brand new thing which he did with Scouts. He has several friends in Scouts.

Orchestra is 45 mins/week, in support of his music GCSE.

OP posts:

Boodahh · 07/08/2023 19:54

Youngest DD was like it at that age. Is a bit better now, aged 18, but not much. She seemed to do a lot more as a younger child, up to aged 12 .

Original poster

IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 07/08/2023 19:55

But none of those activities happen every week. Orchestra is every week in term time; scouts once a fortnight in term time; archery field is open anytime - no fixed coaching sessions. Sailing is a brand new thing, via scouts.

Last week he did one thing.

OP posts:

RagzRebooted · 07/08/2023 20:01

Eldest was like this until he got a girlfriend then would leave the house to hang out with them but otherwise still in his room.
Middle child is the opposite, barely home, always out in all weathers even at nearly 16 will go out riding bikes around the village with mates (until he broke his collerbone a few weeks ago!).
Youngest (DD, 13.5) total homebody. Goes to guides once a week but otherwise home. Been out to meet friends once so far this holiday. She's happy with her cats and her books, mainly lives in her room but will come out for a bit of family time.
They're all happy (apart from DS2 currently who is absolutely hating being cooped up so much since his accident).

I remember my Mum telling me her brother retreated to his room for several years, only coming out for large bowls of weetabix! That was before mobile phones or computer games.

GardeningIdiot · 07/08/2023 20:07

It might be 'normal' as in happens with a lot of teens atm, but that doesn't mean it's for the best. His interests sound great, but as you say it makes for a lot of time alone over the summer.

I find it hard to tell if it is preference or lack of confidence. Possibly also lots of inertia as there is so much easily available entertainment online.

AlexandriasWindmill · 07/08/2023 20:11

I think it's fairly normal. Is he talking to his friends online when he's in his room?

Our 14-yr-old spends lot of time in their room but a lot of it is playing online games with friends (that they know in RL). They try to meet up with their best friend once per week - they just wander round our village, and the next village, and go to the park. About every two weeks, they meet up with their wider friendship group in the nearest city.

I do encourage them eg I'll ask them if they've arranged to meet up with their friends; I'll tell them to go out for a walk when the weather is nice; I'll book a tennis court and take them. We also watch TV together every night and play an occasional board game together.

waterrat · 07/08/2023 22:27

Is this a bit chicken and egg..for a shy young person if they are allowed to spend all day on youtube its easier than having to get out and make plans ?

If you limit the screens to a couple of hours a day presumably he would be pushed to alternatives.

The reality is that 20 years ago teens went out to see friends out of boredom...boredom being the healthy push to go and make interesting things happen

Hmmthatsgoodchicken · 08/08/2023 07:21

It wouldn't be normal for dd (14) she is out every day.
After she finishes work today she is off to the fair with her work mates. (She did the same yesterday)
She goes out to see her cousin (same age) about 3 times a week.
She sees local friends at least twice a week.
Her best friend lives a 50 minute drive away, so they see each other every few weeks (but they constantly facetime), she's coming here this week for a sleepover and we are having a big day out.

It could be a confidence thing. If you suggested going bowling with his mates if he asked them, would he ask them? I never would, I was like no we will just go family bowling.

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