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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Porn, sex, drugs--I don't know what to do

26 replies

whateveryouwantmetosay · 04/08/2023 22:05

My dd1 is 14. She has massive social anxiety which is currently being treated with meds + therapy and is doing so much better. She has a friend who is a year old. Friend has always been a bit of a "wild one" -- e.g. wearing fishnet stockings to school in Grade 5 (we are not in the UK), online dating seriously older men, suicide "threats" etc etc. Friend doesn't have a great home life or parents so I try my best to fill the gap as she is one of my dd's best friends.

About 8 months ago she brought over alcohol which she consumed and binned (didn't bother to hide the evidence). I asked her not to do that again as I don't want to get in trouble. About 2 months ago she brings over a vape pen with weed. I could clearly smell the evidence. We had a big talk with DD about drugs and said she can try marijuana under our supervision but not her friends. It happened several more times so I ended up banning the vape pen when she comes over. Last night she was here again and turned on porn. This makes me very upset. My dd is only 14.

I don't want to "ban" this kid from coming over but I am seriously in a hard place. On one hand I am over the moon that my dd is being social with her friends again, while on the other I am worried about the influence this friend is having on dd. My dd and I are close, she tells me everything (which is how I know about all of this) but also begs me not to ban her friend from coming over or tell her parents (they wouldn't care/do anything anyway).

What do I do?

OP posts:
MinnieTruck · 04/08/2023 22:11

So not only is this 15 year old drinking and smoking in your house, she’s coming over and watching/playing porn?

What do I do?

You tell her that she’s no longer welcome in your house? You’re the parent to DD it’s not the other way around. Just because she asks you to not ban her friend from coming round doesn’t mean that you actually have to listen. This ‘friend’ sounds really irresponsible and just disrespectful tbh.

I definitely wasn’t the world’s best teenager but I still respected my friends houses and would never disrespect their parents like this. Madness

MinnieTruck · 04/08/2023 22:12

Also why would you say that your 14 year old can try weed under your supervision? It’s a bit different to having half a glass of prosecco at Christmas

Original poster
whateveryouwantmetosay · 04/08/2023 22:19

I don't necessarily think she's doing it to actively be disrespectful. I think she genuinely doesn't know that it is because no one in her life is teaching her these things. I am hesitant to ban her because dd 1) has 2 friends she is close with, this girl being one of them and 2) she is very caring, patient, and kind to my dd with her anxiety.

OP posts:
Pashazade · 04/08/2023 22:46

Could you sit both girls down and have an adult chat with them about this stuff. Perhaps she really does just need guidance if she isn't getting any at home. It sounds like she's good at heart so I'd consider helping her out with what is and isn't a good idea.

HalloumiLuvver · 04/08/2023 23:29

What do you do? You tell the friend no booze, no vapes, no drugs and no porn in your house or she doesn't get to come again. Tell her this is your rules and it's final.

Then have a chat about what all these habits can lead to, and ask about her plans for her life - try to set her on a better path. Show her there are better options out there.

But if she breaks the rules, she's out.

Ilovelurchers · 04/08/2023 23:43

In a sense there is something positive about the fact that they aren't hiding the alcohol/drugs/porn from you, as many kids this age sadly do.

That said, obviously you can't just let it go.

Best bet is, like a PP said, to sit both girls down and explain your boundaries, with reasons.

The risk with this is always that you ban the stuff at home so the girls go out and try it in much more dangerous contexts, AND lie/don't feel they can turn to you when things go wrong.

But obviously you can't just be totally permissive. Compromise, talking and honesty is key, I would say.

MinnieTruck · 05/08/2023 01:58

whateveryouwantmetosay · 04/08/2023 22:19

I don't necessarily think she's doing it to actively be disrespectful. I think she genuinely doesn't know that it is because no one in her life is teaching her these things. I am hesitant to ban her because dd 1) has 2 friends she is close with, this girl being one of them and 2) she is very caring, patient, and kind to my dd with her anxiety.

Well heck then I guess that’s every reason to be passive and let it continue!

FFSCarrieBradshaw · 05/08/2023 02:21

Look, you're asking MN, you're not going to get sensible answers. I actually think that an open and honest conversation with your teen is best.

It's always better to be able to speak openly. Really.

cansu · 05/08/2023 13:45

You stop the friend coming over and you tighten up your boundaries.

cansu · 05/08/2023 13:51

I also find it odd that you have told your 14 year old she can try weed with you! She is too young for this. I wonder if your desire for a close and open relationship has led you to be unwilling to say no or make choices your dd won't like. I have seen many parents act like this as they want to have a very close relationship like friends with their daughters. It tends to lead to situation where they then know they need to act but struggle. I have seen friendships that are unwise be nurtured only for it to end inevitably with their child behaving in a similar way. They then regret not being firmer earlier.

Original poster
whateveryouwantmetosay · 05/08/2023 20:41

FFSCarrieBradshaw · 05/08/2023 02:21

Look, you're asking MN, you're not going to get sensible answers. I actually think that an open and honest conversation with your teen is best.

It's always better to be able to speak openly. Really.

True, thanks for the reminder 😂 I will be having a talk with them both later today 👍🏻

OP posts:
Original poster
whateveryouwantmetosay · 05/08/2023 20:44

cansu · 05/08/2023 13:51

I also find it odd that you have told your 14 year old she can try weed with you! She is too young for this. I wonder if your desire for a close and open relationship has led you to be unwilling to say no or make choices your dd won't like. I have seen many parents act like this as they want to have a very close relationship like friends with their daughters. It tends to lead to situation where they then know they need to act but struggle. I have seen friendships that are unwise be nurtured only for it to end inevitably with their child behaving in a similar way. They then regret not being firmer earlier.

Clearly we have different opinions on the matter 😝

Marijuana can be laced with fentanyl here, and I know of too many teens who have died acquiring it illegally. Teens are going to do it regardless of whether or not you say it's ok, so if I allow it, under certain circumstances and under my supervision, that's the safest alternative for my situation. Don't confuse this with being passive or not parenting.

OP posts:
cansu · 05/08/2023 21:00

I think you have misunderstood why teens use drugs and in what situations. Teens drink and take drugs to have fun with their friends. Giving it to your dd aged 14 in your house is irresponsible and also pointless. It won't mean she won't ever do it again.

Duchessofspace · 05/08/2023 21:01

HalloumiLuvver · 04/08/2023 23:29

What do you do? You tell the friend no booze, no vapes, no drugs and no porn in your house or she doesn't get to come again. Tell her this is your rules and it's final.

Then have a chat about what all these habits can lead to, and ask about her plans for her life - try to set her on a better path. Show her there are better options out there.

But if she breaks the rules, she's out.

This

Utterlypeanuterly · 05/08/2023 21:05

If your dd is on medication for anxiety or any other mental health problems she really shouldn't try week, and definitely not at 14.
I have a 14 year old. If one of her friends acted the way you described she wouldn't be welcome here.

itsmyp4rty · 05/08/2023 21:09

whateveryouwantmetosay · 05/08/2023 20:44

Clearly we have different opinions on the matter 😝

Marijuana can be laced with fentanyl here, and I know of too many teens who have died acquiring it illegally. Teens are going to do it regardless of whether or not you say it's ok, so if I allow it, under certain circumstances and under my supervision, that's the safest alternative for my situation. Don't confuse this with being passive or not parenting.

Show quote history

You're being ridiculous, no teen is going to be happy smoking weed with their parents. If you let her try it and she finds she likes it then you've basically given her the green light and she'll be doing it without you next time. That is not parenting. Nor is allowing this terrible influence of a girl over because you're desperate for your child to be more sociable. Stop having this girl over and start encouraging other healthy friendships. That's parenting.

Are you sure 'massive social anxiety' isn't undiagnosed ASD?

caringcarer · 05/08/2023 22:52

MinnieTruck · 04/08/2023 22:12

Also why would you say that your 14 year old can try weed under your supervision? It’s a bit different to having half a glass of prosecco at Christmas

This. The message you are giving your DD is mixed. Be firmer OP. No smoking, no vapes, no illegal drugs and no porn. I'd ban this friend from your home to protect your DD. Perhaps suggest she invites another friend over.

justasking111 · 05/08/2023 22:59

I have to wonder if the OP lives in another country because it wouldn't be legal to smoke dope with a child here

Shroedy · 05/08/2023 23:04

justasking111 · 05/08/2023 22:59

I have to wonder if the OP lives in another country because it wouldn't be legal to smoke dope with a child here

She says in her OP that she's outside the U.K. I'm guessing the US.

titchy · 05/08/2023 23:13

Teens are going to do it regardless of whether or not you say it's ok, so if I allow it, under certain circumstances and under my supervision, that's the safest alternative for my situation. Don't confuse this with being passive or not parenting.

By that token you'll let your 14 have sex with her 34 yo 'bf' then as long as you know about it yes? Cos ya know teens are gonna do it regardless. Maybe add heroin as well. I mean, they're gonna go it so....

Muckysmucky · 05/08/2023 23:20

I think you lost any kind of opportunity to enforce boundaries a while ago sadly and they will see you as a total walkover.

But still worth trying to pull it back. You can let the friend know you think she is a good kind kid but you will not tolerate or sanction drink drugs or porn. Not sure how you do this without being hypocritical when you have already sat and let your 14 year old smoke weed at your house. Madness.

gogomoto · 05/08/2023 23:24

I can't believe you said you would allow drugs but not alcohol??? Odd world we live in. It's a zero tolerance to drugs in my house end of. No drinking apart from with us that young

nolamesallowed · 06/08/2023 00:56

Wow. It's quite obvious this child is suffering from neglect or abuse and as you said her parents don't care. She isn't your problem but you sound very cold.

Original poster
whateveryouwantmetosay · 07/08/2023 01:51

titchy · 05/08/2023 23:13

Teens are going to do it regardless of whether or not you say it's ok, so if I allow it, under certain circumstances and under my supervision, that's the safest alternative for my situation. Don't confuse this with being passive or not parenting.

By that token you'll let your 14 have sex with her 34 yo 'bf' then as long as you know about it yes? Cos ya know teens are gonna do it regardless. Maybe add heroin as well. I mean, they're gonna go it so....

Stop comparing apples to oranges.

OP posts:
Original poster
whateveryouwantmetosay · 07/08/2023 01:52

gogomoto · 05/08/2023 23:24

I can't believe you said you would allow drugs but not alcohol??? Odd world we live in. It's a zero tolerance to drugs in my house end of. No drinking apart from with us that young

Did I say that? 🤔

OP posts: