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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Is this how people normally behave?

59 replies

FailingMum81 · 31/07/2023 17:30

So I'm asking for advice on this one as a) I don't know if this is normal behaviour and b) I'd like some opinions on how to tackle it to prevent me going crazy.

I have one dd14. We holiday once a year in the same place and she has made a general group of holiday friends who go the same time. They and us (parents) aren't in contact any other time than on hols. One other family who have a younger sibling (currently 7) demand the teenager keep the younger sibling with them at all times. This causes so many issues for the group of friends. They are a group of 8 (all 14 or 15). They want to do certain activities that teenagers do and also, because there is two lots of 4 they fit nicely in parents cars if they need a ride to an activity etc. However the 7 Yr old HAS to go everywhere....and I mean everywhere (bar the shower). If I offer to take some of the group out I get "well aren't you taking X'......DD also gets left with X (as do the other teens) if their sibling needs to go toilet, fetch a drink etc. It's putting alot of pressure on the teens to be responsible, massively restricting what they can do but also making me a bit peeved that their parents go off doing as they please all day while their teen and friends are childcare. I dont think I can explain enough how much they have to take him with them....quite literally everywhere and every second. I think it would be so much better for him going to the kids club to socialise with kids his own age as this is what they say "well he doesn't have any other friends".

Is this normal for a family with two or more children please?

OP posts:
MollysBrolly · 31/07/2023 17:31

lookong after the youngest is normal.

cansu · 31/07/2023 17:34

Frankly although it no doubt annoys the teens it is none of your business. The parents are entitled to get their teen to take sibling with them even if it annoys them and the other teens. It is really down to the teens and their parents to sort this out you can of course refuse to give the child a lift which might inconvenience them and hence force the issue a bit. They do sound a bit selfish if there is a kids club but that's up to them.

BellsaRinging · 31/07/2023 17:35

I don't think it's normal to that extent, no. We have a similar hap and might have left for a few hours one day or an evening when we went out for dinner once but it's the teen's holiday too.
Having said that, what can you do? Sounds like any action you would take could result in thr teen sibling being excluded which seems unfair..

RJnomore1 · 31/07/2023 17:38

Not normal at all.

MavisChunch29 · 31/07/2023 17:43

Not normal in DD's circle of friends. I think it's unfair for teens this age to spend their entire holidays looking after a much younger sibling. I don't think a 7 year old left for long periods with a group of 14 year olds is great either - it would be ok for a bit of babysitting or in an emergency, but really the parents should have a better plan than this for long term childcare.

Original poster
FailingMum81 · 31/07/2023 18:01

cansu · 31/07/2023 17:34

Frankly although it no doubt annoys the teens it is none of your business. The parents are entitled to get their teen to take sibling with them even if it annoys them and the other teens. It is really down to the teens and their parents to sort this out you can of course refuse to give the child a lift which might inconvenience them and hence force the issue a bit. They do sound a bit selfish if there is a kids club but that's up to them.

I feel like it is my business though if firstly my daughter is being left in charge of someone else's child and secondly I as parent am being expected to include and care for said child too :/

OP posts:
GolgafrinchamB · 31/07/2023 18:05

FailingMum81 · 31/07/2023 18:01

I feel like it is my business though if firstly my daughter is being left in charge of someone else's child and secondly I as parent am being expected to include and care for said child too :/

Show quote history

Say no. You aren't compelled to take the 7 year old. But it may well mean the older sibling isn't allowed to go.

Some families insist youngest children are taken along with their siblings. Some families don't.

You have differing parenting styles but neither is unreasonable or wrong.

NoSquirrels · 31/07/2023 18:21

You can say no to taking him, if your invitation only extends to your DD’s friends.

Otherwise, it’s really up to the teen sibling to kick up a stink with their parents. If they can’t or won’t do that, then it’s not your place to get involved.

CrappyBarbara · 31/07/2023 18:29

FailingMum81 · 31/07/2023 18:01

I feel like it is my business though if firstly my daughter is being left in charge of someone else's child and secondly I as parent am being expected to include and care for said child too :/

Show quote history

I wouldn’t say it’s extremely common behavior but it’s not “abnormal” and more importantly it doesn’t sound unsafe or harmful to the children. Do you genuinely object that strongly to your 15-year-old keeping an eye on their friend’s younger sibling for five or ten minutes while the friend runs to the loo or gets a drink? Assuming the older sibling doesn’t have crippling IBS I can’t imagine most teens would mind, especially in a large group where they can all take turns. I assume the older sibling would do a small favor for your child if asked — that is how friendships work. If your child finds it particularly stressful or burdensome you can certainly ask that your child not be involved in any way but that just means one of the other six friends will do it. You can’t speak for the other teens obviously. Likewise with driving— “normal” behavior for a parent in my experience would be to just say I have space for four kids in my car and let the teens work it out. But of course you are not obligated to drive anyone anywheee and you can certainly say you don’t want to take the younger child. This isn’t likely to make people think highly of you or your child but It’s certainly your right. Beyond that that this family’s arrangements are none of your business. Nothing you do is going to change what they do, it’s just going to make things awkward in the group.

To be honest I would think at 15 if your child and the rest of the group have that big of a problem with the sibling tagging along they can handle it themselves by planning activities that a 7-year-old can’t do or by simply saying there isn’t enough space. But that’s more likely to result in the older sibling just being left out, which seems doubly unfair when they already have to drag the little one with them.

itsgettingweird · 31/07/2023 18:32

Not normal.

We holidayed every year in the same place as an extended family.

We hung around in age groups. Occasionally we'd take younger ones to park etc but when we went off places as teens we weren't expected to parent younger siblings.

I'm afraid to say the only way to stop this is you refusing to take the older sibling as you don't wants responsibility for the younger one.

Sadly though I don't think in this case it'll change the parents minds and the poor older sibling will be left on site babysitting alone

Duckduckie · 31/07/2023 18:34

Some family’s work like this but I don’t. I was an older sibling and I don’t think it’s fair. I’m firm believer that parents should parent their own children and not rely on siblings.

Start saying that their youngest isn’t included and be firm. Occasionally it’s fine to help out but all the time is taking the mick

wingingit1987 · 31/07/2023 18:34

Not normal at all. It’s just really lazy parenting.

Original poster
FailingMum81 · 31/07/2023 18:35

Thank you all for your replies...sorry I don't think I was overly clear though given some responses. The burden does often lie with me and DH too as this child's parents will literally go out for the day on their own, for example, and then the kids will come back to us saying "my mum said we could hang out here if they weren't back". Again, I don't mind this but I am totally gobsmacked I think that anyone would just disappear for hours leaving a 7 Yr old in the care of teens....but then also expecting one of the teens parents to pick up the slack. Last year they were really mad at me one day when I was unwell as they had booked an "adults only" day out and because I was unwell they had to cancel it. I didn't even know about it until a couple weeks later when the little ones teen text my DD to tell her. So I guess it isn't just about the teens looking after them either :(

I don't want to get involved but am definitely a push over so things will eat me up and take over my holiday too as I don't like or want the conflict of being ignored/talked about/having a prent stomping around either

OP posts:
Happyhappyeveryday · 31/07/2023 18:36

IMO, it’s lazy and irresponsible parenting to insist on this throughout the holiday. Once or twice is fine, but not constantly. I don’t see what you can do about it, however, sorry.

Duckduckie · 31/07/2023 18:37

FailingMum81 · 31/07/2023 18:35

Thank you all for your replies...sorry I don't think I was overly clear though given some responses. The burden does often lie with me and DH too as this child's parents will literally go out for the day on their own, for example, and then the kids will come back to us saying "my mum said we could hang out here if they weren't back". Again, I don't mind this but I am totally gobsmacked I think that anyone would just disappear for hours leaving a 7 Yr old in the care of teens....but then also expecting one of the teens parents to pick up the slack. Last year they were really mad at me one day when I was unwell as they had booked an "adults only" day out and because I was unwell they had to cancel it. I didn't even know about it until a couple weeks later when the little ones teen text my DD to tell her. So I guess it isn't just about the teens looking after them either :(

I don't want to get involved but am definitely a push over so things will eat me up and take over my holiday too as I don't like or want the conflict of being ignored/talked about/having a prent stomping around either

CF alert! How dare you be sick on your own holiday and ruin their excursion they booked without checking with you first 😳

Theunamedcat · 31/07/2023 18:39

If they show up text the parents say your not a childminder

SGsling · 31/07/2023 18:39

Push over = sucker.

those parents are taking the piss, as you’ve found out.

NoSquirrels · 31/07/2023 18:44

You can’t solve it with ‘no conflict’ though - if you don’t want the responsibility of the younger kid, then you can address it directly to their parents (‘We are unhappy at looking after younger kid and your teen when you’re out all day - we won’t be letting everyone hang out at our place if you are not back.’) Or you can do it indirectly- when they turn up saying they’ll hang out at yours you chuck them all out again and say no. As many times as it takes.

But your only other option is to seethe silently as clearly they won’t change this behaviour themselves.

NoSquirrels · 31/07/2023 18:45

Also if they were ‘mad at you’ but you didn’t even know about it then - so what? Not your circus, not your monkeys.

Original poster
FailingMum81 · 31/07/2023 18:45

Theunamedcat · 31/07/2023 18:39

If they show up text the parents say your not a childminder

Ah see I don't even have any of their contact details etc. I'm sure (hope!) One of the kids does!

OP posts:
Original poster
FailingMum81 · 31/07/2023 18:47

NoSquirrels · 31/07/2023 18:45

Also if they were ‘mad at you’ but you didn’t even know about it then - so what? Not your circus, not your monkeys.

Yeah I know what you mean. Guess I just find it all odd but with having an only child I wasn't sure if it was just normal carry on 🤣

OP posts:
Xrays · 31/07/2023 18:48

What kind of place is this that you don’t ever speak to the parents apart from when you go and you always seem to go at the same time every year? Seems really weird. I’d just say no. There’s no way I’d want my teenager to spend all their time looking after a 7 year old. Not fair on the 7 year old either.

RattleRattle · 31/07/2023 18:52

This reply has been deleted

This user is a goady troll so we've removed their posts.

Workawayxx · 31/07/2023 18:55

Absolutely not normal. What if the parents were out for the day and the 7 yo had an accident?! Way too much to put on a 14/15 yo imo. The parents dont want to be burdened with a 7 yo but think it’s fair to put that on their teen (and you!).

I have a slightly larger age gap but my older dc will not ever have to look after their sibling beyond a little bit here and there as a favour or as they wish to. I chose to have dc2 and she is my responsibility.

allgrownupnow · 31/07/2023 18:58

I am surprised at the number of responses saying this is normal!
It sounds weird to me and not ok.

On so many other threads the consensus seems web that it is ok for older siblings to do occasional helping but not ok to make them take a lot of responsibility for younger siblings. And it isn't ok!

This is not on, esp with your update.
What do the parents of the other teens say? Can't you as a group confthr CFs?