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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Should I expect DH to give her a lift?

72 replies

SlappedFace · 26/02/2008 20:54

I am re-married and have a 15 year old daughter from a previous relationship.

Daughter and DH really do not get on, she is cheeky, ignorent and nasty to him and he winds her up, turns TV over when she is watching it, creates arguments for the sake of it etc. Basically he comes in from work and she goes to her room for the night to get away from him. She says she hates him and he insists that he is "trying" with her

Anyway she recently took up karate at the local leisure centre, its a 30 minute walk away from our house and doesn't finish until 9pm. On the way home she has to walk past some unsavoury areas by herself.

Anyway, without mentioning it to me she has gone and complained to my father (her grandad) about the whole situation saying that all the other kids/teens get picked up and she is the only one that has to walk home by herself. My dad went mad and said I should make my DH pick her up (I don't drive).

I mentioned it to DH and he refused saying if she cant treat him with respect why should he have to taxi her around. She goes 3 times a week and DH said when he gets in from work he doesnt want to be faffing picking her up at 9pm.

I don't drive. Now my dad is kicking off saying that since I got married I have pushed my daughter to the side. I am worried about her walking home at that time of night but I do see DH's point of view too.

Should he pick her up?

OP posts:

Loshad · 27/02/2008 10:07

She is doing really well isn't she - sticking at a new hobby, getting herself there and back and so forth. I think you should have words with your DP's parents though, they sound vile, and that's not a word I use lightly. Loads of teenagers get suspended from school, and it usually just means they need a bit more support and guidance at home, and from extended family such as his parents - really shocking comment imo.
I would go with taxi once a week, you walk and meet her once a week and DP to pick her up once a week (they don't need to chat, but you need to say to them both that any discussions that do take place need to be polite and civilised), and he really needs to stop crying when you discuss your DD, wtf - is it some sort of jag to try and get extra sympathy/his own way or what?

mumeeee · 27/02/2008 11:21

I haven't read all the thread. But in answer to the OP yes he should pick her up as it is not good for a 15 year old to have to to do a 30 minute walk in the dark.
A lot of teenagers behave in this way towards thier parents.

Twinkie1 · 27/02/2008 11:34

When something really bad happens to her on the way home and mugging is the least of it - will you then put her feelings before your snivelling wreck of a husband - he neueds to grow up and start acting like a bloody adult and you need to tell him you are not his mother and won't be swayed bt he crying when he doesn't get his own way he is an adult FGS!

Turning the TV over when she is watching it is just bloody rude and yes he knows he is doing it - or he is incredibly stupid!

I would have no respect for him either if I were your daughter - and I can't understand why you do?

juuule · 27/02/2008 12:28

Good post, Twinkie1.

donna123 · 27/02/2008 12:40

"Anyway, without mentioning it to me she has gone and complained to my father (her grandad) about the whole situation saying that all the other kids/teens get picked up and she is the only one that has to walk home by herself. My dad went mad and said I should make my DH pick her up (I don't drive)."

It is unreasonable of your DD to organise some activity and then assume that others will run around after her - especially if it is 3 times a week! She should have asked nicely and sorted out the logistics beforehand.
It is also bad form to complain about someone behind their back: she should have spoken directly to you and/or DH, not her grandfather.
Seeing the grandfather is so keen to stick his oar in, why don't you suggest that he does the pick-up?

GrapefruitMoon · 27/02/2008 12:47

I didn't particularly get on with my dad when I was a teenager but he would never have refused to give me a lift somewhere....

What would you do in this situation if you weren't married to your dh? How did your dd get home from her previous club?

Threads like this are why I have resolved that I would never inflict a step-parent on my kids... at least not while they are living at home.

fondant4000 · 27/02/2008 12:52

I've been in your dd's situation. She must realllllly want a lift if she's prepared to ask your dp for one.

Also, I think she is testing you, not your dp. She needs to know you still love and will stick up for her (by your actions, not your words).

I couldn't give a stuff if my stepdad wouldn't give me a lift, but it mattered very much to me that my mum did not insist. This was over 20 years ago, and I did have some close calls walking home on my own late at night.

I still think my mum was wrong to allow my stepdad not to pick me up and in the end it's our relationship that has suffered, not my relationship with my stepdad (I already knew he was a miserable git).

Dropdeadfred · 27/02/2008 13:05

Why do you not walk to collect her???

Why???

Pimmpom · 27/02/2008 13:17

My dd is 15 and when my dh is working (i don't drive) I will walk with her to meet up with friends etc. at 6 or 7pm i.e. when it is dark.

I could not let her, under any circumstances, walk home alone in the dark.

If my dh was at home and for any reason would not pick her up, I would take responsibility and walk!

Emprexia · 27/02/2008 13:18

I think you need to tell your DH to go fetch her, or walk to meet her yourself.

As for him crying when you defend your daughter.. sorry, thats bullshit, he's a grown up, he needs to realise that she is a big, important part of your life.

If he's worried you're going to leave him, then perhaps he needs to grow the hell up and start trying a little harder to build a proper relationship with her so there is no chance of you leaving because he's being an ass.

LoveAndSqualor · 27/02/2008 13:19

He needs to pick her up. And, more generally, she needs to feel like you put her first. My stepdad would have picked me up without question when I was living at home - and that's how it should be. She's 15, and he needs to realise he's the adult in the relationship, I think. And as for crying on you when you defend her -

ggglmpp · 27/02/2008 13:32

I have two very feisty teenage dds and a second husband. He would not let one of them walk home alone at 15 and would pick her up.

In your position, if he was not going to pick her up and I couldnt or wouldnt walk to meet her, she just wouldnt be allowed to go.

Poor girl.

TheFallenMadonna · 27/02/2008 13:34

He should pick her up. And with good grace. And not turn on the tears and emotional blackmail when you try to talk to him about this hugely important problem for crying out loud.

moyasmum · 27/02/2008 13:35

Shes a kid ,pushing boundaries but trying to get a life. Its a pain, but you need to pick your battles and this isnt it.

Accept this, but also that it wont last forever and you should all be acting like a family ,and covering each others backs.

You never Know they may actually bond with the grudging dependence. Thats if the bloke can think like the adult hes supposed to be.

If you really feel he this is beyond him, then arrange lifts with others (not sure about taxis though),it will increase her indipendence and she will see you looking out for her. If he wont help then dont give him the power of veto either. Plan with your daughter ,its the resposible thing to do.

Can your dad not pick her up?

Dont allow him to get between you and your daughter. you dont choose, but you dont take crap either.

VictorianSqualor · 27/02/2008 13:38

He should go and get her, and you should insist.

FWIW, I had a lot of issues with my stepdad, but my mother and I ahve not spoken for over 6 years, even though they are no longer together because she allowed him to behave the way he did, she put him first which in your DD's position I would feel you are doing.

If you don't want to lose your daughter put your foot down with your husband and tell him the way you expect him to behave around and towards your daughter.

If he can't do it, bye bye.

purpleduck · 27/02/2008 14:01

I can't believe that BOTH of you are allowing her to be in a dangerous situation.

Both of you are being selfish.

Shame Shame Shame!!!

Its always the same old story : girl walks home alone, girl gets raped/ killed, whatever.

Even if dh and dd don't get along, dd is still someone YOU love. If he can't pick her up out of decency, he should do it for you.

SHAME!!!

titchy · 27/02/2008 14:27

Well think about it this way - you'll only have the problem for another year or so cos as soon as she can she'll be leaving home Shame on you for putting your dh's feelings over and above that of your very confused, lonely dd who you have uprooted from friends, school and stability to live with some tosser your dh. And double shame on you for being prepared to put your dd's safety at risk rather than upset said tosser dh.

titchy · 28/02/2008 10:07

OP hasn't replied - funny that....

fizzbuzz · 01/03/2008 21:18

Why did you move in with someone who treats your dd like this?

I'm a step parent. I would NEVER behave like that, nor would I leave my sc to walk home. My dp wouldn't leave my ds to walk home either...they get on really well as well, so not ALL stepfamilies are awful to each other.

When I moved in with DP I wasn't used to having all these men around, and wasn't used to noise, mess etc. But I had to GET used to it, and I did.

I have experience of a stepfamily and your dp needs a kick up the jacksy!

jammi · 06/03/2008 15:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Kimi · 06/03/2008 16:04

Slapped face, I think you need to have a long chat with your DH,

My husband and I are seperated but he sees the children everyday, but I have a new DP who is a tad younger then me and has no children of his own (and wont be getting any) he is really good at understanding that my children come first, he has provided everything for them that they needed when we moved in together, letting them choose beds and things. He takes them out and does the school run sometimes, helps with homework, and most of all knows that he is not their dad and welcomes DH1 in to our home.
DPs parents have been very welcoming to my children, if they had done anything like your FIL they would have not ever set foot in my home again.

If your husband knew you had a child then he knew what he was getting.
I would not let a 15 year old walk home alone, and I think your dad is right.
Do you not read the papers or watch the news? How will you feel if she goes missing and ends up dead in a field with her face chewed off?

tigermoth · 09/03/2008 11:02

The bottom line is that your dd is walking home alone at 9pm. IMO this is too much of a risk.

The activity is regular as well, increasing the chances of someone finding out about this and following her.

She has begged for a lift - she may already have had a 'near miss' and hasn't told you this.

I agree with those people who suggest you could walk to meet her. Seeing you go out of the house three times a week might shame your partner into driving to meet her.

Do you fear there's actual danger in making your partner collect your dd? Would he drive safely and under the limit? On those car journeys, how argumentative would he be with your dd?

If the only solution is a taxi three times a week, can your dd help pay for this out of her pocket money, if finances are tight?

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