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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Should I expect DH to give her a lift?

72 replies

SlappedFace · 26/02/2008 20:54

I am re-married and have a 15 year old daughter from a previous relationship.

Daughter and DH really do not get on, she is cheeky, ignorent and nasty to him and he winds her up, turns TV over when she is watching it, creates arguments for the sake of it etc. Basically he comes in from work and she goes to her room for the night to get away from him. She says she hates him and he insists that he is "trying" with her

Anyway she recently took up karate at the local leisure centre, its a 30 minute walk away from our house and doesn't finish until 9pm. On the way home she has to walk past some unsavoury areas by herself.

Anyway, without mentioning it to me she has gone and complained to my father (her grandad) about the whole situation saying that all the other kids/teens get picked up and she is the only one that has to walk home by herself. My dad went mad and said I should make my DH pick her up (I don't drive).

I mentioned it to DH and he refused saying if she cant treat him with respect why should he have to taxi her around. She goes 3 times a week and DH said when he gets in from work he doesnt want to be faffing picking her up at 9pm.

I don't drive. Now my dad is kicking off saying that since I got married I have pushed my daughter to the side. I am worried about her walking home at that time of night but I do see DH's point of view too.

Should he pick her up?

OP posts:

Original poster

SlappedFace · 26/02/2008 21:18

She got suspended from school and they got to find out through the grapevine (their grandkids go to the same school).

OP posts:

WallOfSilence · 26/02/2008 21:19

Did you not know him very long before marrying him or something? Otherwise, how the hell would he not know how to react to a teenager? "He's used to being on his own"

Time he wasn't used to it then! Or he would have to get used to it all over again.

You moved her away from an area she knew, had friends in.. to an area where she knows no-one, doesn't feel welcome in her own home & has joined a club to try & fit in. Why did you do this?

Did she & your dh not get on before you married him?

sweetgrapes · 26/02/2008 21:21

Does your dh realise he has 'stolen' her mum? He's going to have to make amends and work very hard if he wants a happy household and I'm guessing he does as he married you knowing you have a daughter.

And she's moved house so he can be with her mum?

And yes, he should be picking her up.

sweetgrapes · 26/02/2008 21:22

Sorry- x post with WallOfSilence

Exactly what I wanted to say...

Original poster

SlappedFace · 26/02/2008 21:23

We were not together for long to be honest. He lived with his parents until he was in his 30s and then lived on his own ever since. We were together a few months before we moved in together. Before we got married they did get on ok, DD doesnt get on brilliantly with anyone (she admits this herself, she is anti-social like me) and this is why she has few friends. She had few friends at her old school and has less at this one but she seems to prefer it that way.

DH is also anti-social so its a clash of personalities really.

She didnt join the club to fit in, she is the only teenage girl there. She joined because she is obsessed with martial arts, always has been.

OP posts:

makealist · 26/02/2008 21:28

At the karate club my son goes to nobody except the tutors are allowed to watch the gradings.

BigGitHamsterKillingDad · 26/02/2008 21:28

I am shocked at his childish attitiude, how would you feel if something happened to her, would he not feel some responsibility?
Other posters have put it better than me but there are some real questions that need to be discussed here, about you and your husband.

Original poster

SlappedFace · 26/02/2008 21:37

I understand about the gradings. I know her instructor has quite a "reputation" for being extremely hard on his students (to the point where if they are in the wrong stance he kicks them into the correct one rather than asks them to move!) but she worships him. He's the only person I've known her to show 100% respect too.

I am going to speak to my husband about the relationship between them. Its just when I do he starts crying and says hes scared of losing me etc and I always end up backing down.

OP posts:

MarmiteMe · 26/02/2008 21:37

Gosh that sounds awful.
I grew up in exactly the same situation and stayed out of the house (getting up to all sorts) as a teen.
You need to have a serious talk with your hubby or you'll drive your daughter away

Remotew · 26/02/2008 21:41

Sounds like you are trying to please two children. I'm a single mum of a teen DD and this is the reason I will stay single until she has grown up.

WallOfSilence · 26/02/2008 21:42

He's scared of losing you.

He cries.

You back down.

But dd is still left feeling like shit cos once again you have out his feelings over hers!

WallOfSilence · 26/02/2008 21:43

put

Heated · 26/02/2008 21:46

I think at that point you can show a bit of understanding to DH, tell him you know he is on new ground as a parent. The deal you can strike between you is that if he can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all or just walk away/disappear behind the paper and leave her to you. Tell him how worried you are for dd and that karate is the one thing that's keeping her on the straight and narrow, lets agree to support her in it.

You also need some quality time with your dd, just you and her - do you get it?

MarmiteMe · 26/02/2008 21:53

I've got a 6yr old abouteve and I'm thinking the same thing. I don't want to put DD through anything like that, I'd rather be single for the next 15 years

colditz · 26/02/2008 21:56

He should pick her up and you should treat her as number one, and not allow your husband to treat her as an inconvenience, ImHO. Your dad is right.

colditz · 26/02/2008 21:59

He cries?

When you defend your child?

Ugh.

WallOfSilence · 26/02/2008 22:00

re: the comment that she doesn't get on brilliantly with dp or anyone..she's 15.. normal enough for a 15yr old i'd say!

Remotew · 26/02/2008 22:01

Marmite. I have had a few boyfriends and as my DD got older it got harder. It can feel to her as though someone is trying to steal her mum but I'll always put her first.

Saggarmakersbottomknocker · 26/02/2008 22:02

I have teens and it can be a trial, I know. But your dh needs to work harder at this. He needs to stop behaving like one for a start.

Hassled · 26/02/2008 22:02

To answer the OP - yes, of course he should pick her up. I wouldn't walk for 30 minutes in the dark through dodgy areas and I'm 41, not 15.

I do have a lot of sympathy for you although my circumstances are a bit different - my DD is 18 but was 8 when we moved in with (now) DH. They really disliked each other for years - like your DH, mine had lived on his own and had no children at that point (we've since had 2 DCs together). And that stuck in the middle feeling was awful - it was eventually resolved and while there is still the odd row, on the whole I would say they are friends. But it took a lot of effort from me and DH - less from DD but then she was the child. You have to cut your DD some slack - 15 is a tough enough age without all these domestic changes.

2shoes · 26/02/2008 22:05

only read the op and yes he should pick her up.
she is a child.

rookiemater · 26/02/2008 22:17

Slightly off tangent, not addressing the underlying issue, and maybe not a great idea right now, but once it gets lighter in the evenings how about a bicycle for her ?
Would make trip quicker and provided its not a very busy road should be safe enough.

AngharadGoldenhand · 26/02/2008 22:25

You could pay for a taxi twice a week.

You could walk to the bus stop to meet her and walk back with her once a week.

I would not be happy with my dd walking back by herself.

arewenearlythereyet · 26/02/2008 22:28

this is prob going to sound really harsh but, your dd has it seems from what you said been moved from her home, can't keep up her social contacts (previous classes) is still making the effort to do this stuff 3 times a week even though its all under her own steam. maybe she has every reason to feel the way she does. if my 16 year old showed that much initiative and impetus to keep at it, despite having to change classes and style and martial arts, and gettting herself there and back 3 times a week, I'd be clapping her on the back and so so proud of her

Lulah · 26/02/2008 22:43

situation sounds damaging to you all but why can tyou walk to meet her?
yes he can drive but if you were a single parent what would you do.
if she was mine and she needed to walk a not too nice route id walk it with her so she could continue her sport/hobby.

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