Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

19 year old has cut off

27 replies

Mom2teens · 27/07/2023 11:32

My 19 year old nearly 20 has just finished second year uni. She lives in halls in London. She came home in June for hols/work (which is next door) . All was good. I got back after an overnight work trip to find a typed note out of blue saying she got her results after “marking strike” by lecturers and failed two exams and had moved back to uni to revise and would commute to job. Since then she won’t take calls/has totally cut off. She’s a bit in touch with her father (divorced and has never looked after the kids/lived with them for 10 years). Suddenly got a message saying it was all my fault that she failed, she needed her space. I’m heartbroken. There was no fight and no friction. I’ve looked after her and DS myself. Any thoughts on what I should do?

OP posts:
OhComeOnFFS · 27/07/2023 11:41

That's horrible for her to blame you for her failing her exams! How could you do that even if you tried?!

I think I'd send a reply: "Hope you're OK. Not sure why I'm to blame for you failing your exams. I hope the re-sits go well. I love you, speak soon x"

OhComeOnFFS · 27/07/2023 11:41

I share your annoyance that the relationship with her dad is intact when he's done fuck all to deserve that.

WandaWonder · 27/07/2023 11:53

She can't blame you all she likes you did not the work for her or failed her she did that herself, I can see why you are upset but she'll probably wake up one day and realise she is being ridiculous

PoliticallyIncorrectHitchling · 27/07/2023 12:06

I can see why you are upset. Has she done anything like this before? Blames you and disappeared? You must be so heartbroken. Sorry OP

Dotcheck · 27/07/2023 12:12

She’s probably just scared and worried and lashing out.
I would message her just to say that you hope the resits go well. Now is probably not the time to go into this deeper, as she is clearly not thinking clearly.

ManchesterGirl2 · 27/07/2023 12:14

Did she say why she thinks it's your fault that she failed?

Original poster
Mom2teens · 27/07/2023 15:48

Thanks so much for this advice and kind words. I am so upset. And it is galling that suddenly dad is her great contact all of a sudden. After doing jack all these years. She’s never done this before. I am sure she’s horrified at failing and has self esteem. But she knows I have never pressured her one way or another. She blames me because when she was choosing her modules I said spread them over 3 terms and don't cram in 2 terms. And she says she failed the 3rd term ones because of that decision. It’s very hurtful. I’ve done my best for her always.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mom2teens · 27/07/2023 15:50

I sent her a message along the lines you have all suggested a few days ago. Have heard nothing since. It’s my birthday on Saturday and she’s meant to be at my bbq party. No idea if she’ll come and now not helped by the train strike.

OP posts:
YourMommaWasASnowblower · 27/07/2023 15:56

She’s probably lashing out because she has some embarrassment/frustration at failing her exams.
All you can do is wait and hope she comes back to you. Keep messages polite and encouraging, don’t get angry with her (even if you are tempted to) because it might make her dig her heels in.
Young people at that age often think they are the most important person on the planet and life revolves around them. They can be quite selfish. You will probably hear from her when she needs something.

Original poster
Mom2teens · 27/07/2023 16:21

Thanks. Other than the first time I spoke to her directly after receiving the letter -when I was totally shell shocked and so was less than happy - I’ve only been polite and encouraging. Not sure if I should keep messaging every few days even if she doesn’t reply or give her time to reflect herself. Agree she will perhaps get in touch when she needs her next term’s fees paid.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mom2teens · 27/07/2023 16:23

All very sad and upsetting. And so unnecessary. I feel I’ve made her life as smooth as I could and perhaps it’s been a bit counter productive in that she wants some drama.

OP posts:
j1307 · 27/07/2023 16:31

Tell her that you love her, send her a grocery order with sweets/snacks for revision. She’s still a teenager and while she’s upset about the exams I wouldn’t yet discuss the hurt she’s causing you by her behaviour. She can’t see clearly right now so put that off until after the resits to try to restore the relationship with her first.

Knackeredhamster · 27/07/2023 16:37

I'm really sorry. This must hurt alot.

I'd be blindsided if mine had done this.

Where has she moved to, you say back to uni but many tenancies have ended?
Unless she has a new place for yr3?

Has she moved to her dad's?

Tbh I think I'd stop messaging for a few days. You don't know what pot you're stirring. Anything you say at this stage could be pointless.

Knackeredhamster · 27/07/2023 16:38

Sorry just re read she's in halls

Brefugee · 27/07/2023 16:49

I'd message now and then asking how she is and telling her you lo e her. Wait it out.

I wouldn't be sending grocery orders, her dad can do that

Cookerhood · 27/07/2023 16:55

Is this in the UK? Are you sure she's in halls? Most of them are closed for the summer now as you only rent the room for a certain number of weeks a year.
Are you paying her uni fees? Or do you mean her accommodation?

Autumnsoon · 27/07/2023 17:00

I’m dammed if I’d be sending a food parcel,or paying any fees
how dare she blame the op
let dad pay the bills ,I’m sure he will be only to glad to do this share

Wolfiefan · 27/07/2023 17:04

What did you actually say when she told you though? You said you weren’t “happy”.
You also say she wants “drama”. Unless this is a pattern with her it’s more likely she’s shocked and devastated with the results and is struggling to move forward.

continentallentil · 27/07/2023 17:05

Teenagers are awful.. you are a safe person to lash out at because she is angry with herself / afraid etc. the Dad thing is galling.

A bit like a tantruming toddler, screaming that they hate you, I think you have to lovingly hold your boundaries. Be clear that you love her and always will and you are around for support, but no it isn’t your fault she messed up her exams, and there is a tight limit on the amount of crap you will take (because she is not actually a toddler).

Let it blow over. She’ll be delightful at 25.

continentallentil · 27/07/2023 17:08

… Don’t keep messaging her, she needs to reflect and you both need some space.

Every couple of weeks drop her an I’m thinking of you text. Call once a month. That’s it.

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 27/07/2023 17:41

I think I'd send a 'im really sorry you feel that way, all I've ever tried to do is love and support you' type text and leave it at that.

She sounds angry and she will calm down and come back to you.

Billybagpuss · 27/07/2023 17:59

This was the worst age for both of mine, hope you have a lovely birthday despite all this. 💐

Original poster
Mom2teens · 27/07/2023 19:12

Yes halls paid up to mid Sept - so although I’d asked her to sublet which is allowed for the summer she didn’t. So she’s gone back there.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mom2teens · 27/07/2023 19:13

At least it’s not just me. Lots have said this. I sort of thought this wouldn’t be the case at this age…but I guess they all react at different ages. She’s otherwise been generally ok.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mom2teens · 27/07/2023 19:14

Thank you!

OP posts: