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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

I've done something extremely stupid and become very attached to daughter's boyfiend

54 replies

SillyBillyMother · 25/07/2023 13:17

And she's broken up with him.
He's completely delightful. DH and I are as bad as each other and feel very sad about it.
She is the first of DC to have a serious relationship and he will no doubt be the first of many. It's a hard one, and an important lesson, I'm pretty sure he's feeling really sad.
I'm sad because we won't have him around anymore, I won't feel that lovely sense of safety from knowing someone is taking care of her, I'm sad thinking of him being heartbroken and if I really interrogate it, I'm reminded of losing my first love.....
I wouldn't be a teenager again for all the tea in China.

OP posts:
Original poster
SillyBillyMother · 25/07/2023 13:18

Just realised that the title to my post sounds a bit click-baity! Sorry, completely unintended. Just feeling a bit silly for feeling so sad.

OP posts:
noglow · 25/07/2023 13:19

I'm sad because we won't have him around anymore, I won't feel that lovely sense of safety from knowing someone is taking care of her raise her to take care of herself

Aquamarine1029 · 25/07/2023 13:20

It's not silly, op. I've been there. It takes a little time, but you'll get over it.

ClawedButler · 25/07/2023 13:20

Oh bless you. Don't beat yourself up for the fault of caring too much. If you're going to do silly things at least you've done a nice silly thing and not a nasty one!

Summer2424 · 25/07/2023 13:22

Hi @SillyBillyMother aww bless, i totally understand, my Mum was the same when i broke up with my boyfriend. It's still very raw for you all, time is a healer xx

ALevelDisaster · 25/07/2023 13:25

He’ll most probably feel the same if he was spending a lot of time with you. I found ‘breaking up’ with my first serious bf’s parents really hard. Fantastic family who made me feel so welcome. 20+ years on and I still sometimes reflect on what a good deal his wife got!

LimeCheesecake · 25/07/2023 13:26

Oh not that silly! Your dcs friends become kids you care about too, so while mine haven’t brought home a boyfriend/girlfriend yet, I can see it would be easy to grow to care about them too. And it’s easy to like someone who likes your child.

deep breath- give her lots of hugs (even if she ended it, she may still be sad). Don’t let her know you are upset, also don’t act like you are glad they have split in case they get back together later on.

im sure you’ve raised her well enough that the next person brought home will be just as lovely.

loobylou10 · 25/07/2023 13:29

I'm sad because we won't have him around anymore, I won't feel that lovely sense of safety from knowing someone is taking care of her raise her to take care of herself

@noglow - oh stop it! OP, I know what you mean and it's hard not to get attached to bf, gf's. My sons both have lovely gf's - I would be sad if they split.

SlideandPolka · 25/07/2023 13:31

Well, you’ll know better next time not to become too attached. And don’t be like my parents, who met at 19 and don’t understand another generation’s relationship patterns, or that you might break up with someone who isn’t awful, just because it’s run it’s course, or you’re bored, or you’ve grown apart. They used to insist on inviting my younger sister’s ex to family events for years after she broke ip with him, and she was continually finding him there on Christmas Eve and stuff…

BarbiewhupsSindy · 25/07/2023 13:33

I have several daughters in mid twenties and each time (bar one) they have split with their boyfriends I've received a "thank you for welcoming me and I'll miss you" text and I've felt so sad at the loss. I'm proud that each man they were with were so very decent.

The latest split up was 12 months ago and I'm still grieving, I can't believe he's not in my life. I got over the others far quicker. It's a big loss.

Snozzlemaid · 25/07/2023 13:36

I was the same with DS's first girlfriend. I felt it really strongly when they split up.

She had become part of our family and I felt sad she wouldn't be around any longer and missed her presence at first.
As always though, you will get over it in time.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 25/07/2023 13:38

noglow · 25/07/2023 13:19

I'm sad because we won't have him around anymore, I won't feel that lovely sense of safety from knowing someone is taking care of her raise her to take care of herself

This.

Snozzlemaid · 25/07/2023 13:38

I did however keep my feelings to myself as she broke up with him, so Ds was obviously feeling it much worse than me.

Pokeintheeyetoday · 25/07/2023 13:38

Having just binge watched "Penance" I was expecting a different dilemma here OP..

BookHereNoFee · 25/07/2023 13:40

This is interesting to read and probably important for me to remember.
My eldest dd has the loveliest boyfriend and they've only been together 8 months but I'm so grateful her first proper relationship has been with someone like him.

I can well imagine feeling increasingly sad about them breaking up as each month passes by!

Original poster
SillyBillyMother · 25/07/2023 13:45

Ah, thank you everyone. It's really nice to be able to hear your experiences and thoughts. Much appreciated. I feel a little less silly, but no less sad 🥲
It's nice to know I'm not alone.
He texted me this morning to say he wouldn't be joining us for a few days on holiday. He must know we know that. He just wants to communicate, but I can't really say much.... I told him we were very sorry and sad, and hope he's okay.

OP posts:
incognito50me · 25/07/2023 13:56

OP, I think I'll be the same. My DD's first boyfriend is very nice and I will be sorry when they break up (unless he treats her badly, of course). I didn't realize how easy it was to get attached. I hope I'll be able to keep my feelings to myself when the time comes, there is no reason she should be burdened with them in addition to her own.

Showdogworkingdog · 25/07/2023 14:14

My DH is still in a friendship group with let’s call him Brian who was one of his friend’s DD’s boyfriend from 15 years ago. It’s a bit odd I suppose but Brian started joining them all on their nights out and never stopped even after splitting with his friend’s DD. Now both Brian and the friend’s DD are married to others with kids and have no contact with each other but Brian is still a mate with the boys years later. And yes, he is 25 years younger than them all. Bless

SierraSapphire · 25/07/2023 14:21

Same! It's horrible. He was with her thoughout my cancer diagnosis and treatment too, so it feels extra poignant. The feeling has faded over time (it's been very on and off so a prolonged break up) but I was quite upset to begin with but needed to hide it from her. As time has gone on I have joked with her a bit about missing him. It maybe that they'll get back together again in the future, it's different life circumstances that have split them up, so the ongoing uncertainty doesn't help either, and he is in her wider friendship group so there is still some contact.

StillPerplexed · 25/07/2023 14:26

You're a good egg. My mum was all too delighted with every breakup! Made me not want to talk with her about it.

Fernorfoe · 25/07/2023 14:31

I thought DDs first boyfriend was lovely and as they were young and DD going to uni and him not, inevitably one of them would break the other's heart. They did split up and I found out he'd been very controlling when she went to uni, so, you don't always know what is going on between the two of them beyond what side is presented to you in your home.

You can't let your DD know that you feel any sense of loss. She's not there to bring males home to please her parents.

bluehart · 25/07/2023 14:39

I think it's very normal OP. My son's first girlfriend will still comment with kindness on my rare social media posts of life events referring to me as "Mummy Bluehart".

Mindymomo · 25/07/2023 14:40

Both DH and I were heartbroken when DS split up with his GF. I actually cried in the supermarket when I was shopping as I was buying food and treats that she liked and realised I didn’t need to. She was also upset about not keeping in touch with us and despite us saying we would still be able to meet up, neither of us made the effort.

Hoppinggreen · 25/07/2023 14:42

DD split up with her BF of 3 years last week. They have been friends since they were 11 and we have known him and his family for around 5 years, including meals out, weekends away etc.
I don’t think his Mum knows yet but I imagine when she does I will get a phone call - I am keeping out of it though as I won’t be the one to tell her why DD did it (emotional cheating and generally taking her for granted)

Roselilly36 · 25/07/2023 14:44

I would feel the same OP.

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