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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

I've done something extremely stupid and become very attached to daughter's boyfiend

54 replies

SillyBillyMother · 25/07/2023 13:17

And she's broken up with him.
He's completely delightful. DH and I are as bad as each other and feel very sad about it.
She is the first of DC to have a serious relationship and he will no doubt be the first of many. It's a hard one, and an important lesson, I'm pretty sure he's feeling really sad.
I'm sad because we won't have him around anymore, I won't feel that lovely sense of safety from knowing someone is taking care of her, I'm sad thinking of him being heartbroken and if I really interrogate it, I'm reminded of losing my first love.....
I wouldn't be a teenager again for all the tea in China.

OP posts:
YukoandHiro · 25/07/2023 14:47

I totally understand your sadness, I saw this with a friend's parents after a big break up in his late 20s, but this bit shocked me..
"I won't feel that lovely sense of safety from knowing someone is taking care of her"
This isn't a great mindset for anyone, parent or child! She's an adult I presume? she doesn't need anyone to look after her

2bazookas · 25/07/2023 14:50

My SIL's first engagement broke up because MIL was so deepy attached to the fiance, it felt as if she'd taken over the prime relationship. "It would have been like marrying a brother". to quote SIL.

bobbafett · 25/07/2023 15:22

@Hoppinggreen how old is she?

Hoppinggreen · 25/07/2023 15:23

bobbafett · 25/07/2023 15:22

@Hoppinggreen how old is she?

18

SierraSapphire · 25/07/2023 15:25

We all need social connection. I presume the OP didn't mean that only he was watching out for her, but that they both had a sense of connection to each other. My parents discouraged me from being in a relationship and emphasised just relying on myself and it's one of the worst things they could have done IMO and has affected my whole life negatively. None of us want to be in bad relationships, but a supportive one is shown by research to be so important for our mental and emotional health - being single and living alone is a predictor of loneliness which in turn affects our physical health.

ModestMoon · 25/07/2023 15:29

Thank you for this thread OP, I have always resented my parent's reaction to when I broke up with an early bf. He was not my first or my most significant boyfriend, but he was the one that they had gotten to know. I broke up with him, and didn't tell them until they asked. They were hurt and said that's sad, we'll miss him, you should have mentioned him as we will miss him. This was 20 years ago and I still use it as an example of them being strange, I felt like they were 'pigenholing' me in with this guy when I was so young. But genuienly, you have made me see this in a new light and I will now mentally file this away under 'teenagers reacting to parents with drama'!

LateOnTheBandwagon · 25/07/2023 15:48

It is entirely normal OP. I felt the same when my DD and her bf split 3 years ago. Don't be like her bf's mum though (am sure you won't ) who, every time I bump into her tells me that her son made the biggest mistake of his life in splitting with her and do I think there is any chance of them getting back together 😆. I just laugh it off every time but I do think she is absolutely serious and would sit down to "hatch a plan" if I went with it!

GrimDamnFanjo · 25/07/2023 15:52

I was surprised at myself the first time this happened.
You build a relationship with someone and welcome them into the family then one day they're gone!
I just remind myself that DDs happiness is the most important thing. One day, hopefully, they'll meet a permanent fixture!

MandyMotherOfBrian · 25/07/2023 15:52

I know what you mean. I adored DDs first girlfriend and I was so sad when they split. Luckily though her next boyfriend was a complete dickhead so I was glad when they split - but it helped serve to remind me it’s her business and not mine 😉

Original poster
SillyBillyMother · 25/07/2023 16:08

I'd really like to quote reply to some messages but I'm too crap.

Thanks for all this.

I'm on mission: do-not-let-dd-know-we're-upset-about-this at the moment. She's out until 5ish but I'll be sweetness and light by the time she gets back 😬

I am happy her first bf has been lovely. It does bode well for her.

Dd is very independent and free thinking and takes care of herself very well. She'll be absolutely fine without a bf. I unashamedly admit to enjoying how her having a bf who adores her makes me feel she is safe.

Some of the stories of parents over-stepping the mark are pretty astounding, esp the ex who kept getting invited to family events. What a nightmare.

Ive loved this conversation and connection today. It has taken the edge off the situation, thank you everyone.

OP posts:
CovertImage · 25/07/2023 16:10

SierraSapphire · 25/07/2023 15:25

We all need social connection. I presume the OP didn't mean that only he was watching out for her, but that they both had a sense of connection to each other. My parents discouraged me from being in a relationship and emphasised just relying on myself and it's one of the worst things they could have done IMO and has affected my whole life negatively. None of us want to be in bad relationships, but a supportive one is shown by research to be so important for our mental and emotional health - being single and living alone is a predictor of loneliness which in turn affects our physical health.

I'd like to see the citations for the claim in your final sentence as I don't believe it.

Having no social circle maybe but not being single and living alone

chickbean · 25/07/2023 16:18

My 1st DBs mum phoned me after the break-up, cried and said that she couldn't believe I wasn't going to be her DIL (we'd been together for over 5 years) - a bit tricky as he dumped me and I was heartbroken. I know that he didn't take his subsequent GF home at all, for fear of what she might say, and took a while to introduce his next (now DW).

SierraSapphire · 25/07/2023 16:20

Here's one example of people not living as a couple being more lonely than people in a couple from the Community Life Survey @CovertImage

www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/wellbeing/articles/lonelinesswhatcharacteristicsandcircumstancesareassociatedwithfeelinglonely/2018-04-10#which-factors-independently-affect-loneliness

Here's a meta-analysis that also highlights living alone as a risk factor for loneliness pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/25910392/

peachgreen · 25/07/2023 16:30

Please remember that in ending a relationship that isn't right for her, your daughter has done a wonderful and brave thing which will set her in good stead for the future. I will be delighted when DD first initiates a break-up because it will prove to me that she's confident enough to be alone and won't stay in an unhealthy relationship through fear.

VeridicalVagabond · 25/07/2023 16:35

Awww I get you OP. My 15 year old just split up with her boyfriend of 6 months because "he lacks ambition". Bless his wee heart he was so lovely, proper old soul and so polite and respectful when he came over. Think I'll miss him more than she will!

JesusMaryAndJosephAndTheWeeDon · 25/07/2023 16:50

Lol, my first boyfriend's Mum still brings up the fact that I dumped her son and no one since has been as good.

It was 30 years ago. We were teenagers. We've both married other people in the intervening years. And I didn't dump him!!!!!!!!

(Yes she's batshit)

bobbafett · 25/07/2023 16:53

Do you know why the relationship ended?

Original poster
SillyBillyMother · 25/07/2023 17:04

I don't know why it ended really. They have been at boarding school together and both are going to be doing very different things, but probably based in the same city. I am guessing but I think she was just ready for the next stage. His family home is abroad so seeing each other is an effort in the hols.

All this is guesswork based upon scraps of info. I might get a clearer idea of it at some point.

OP posts:
Grinchymother · 25/07/2023 17:14

I do understand how you're feeling, and i see that you're going to rein it in when she gets home....but...nothing in any of your posts makes me think that you are feeling sad for her - only how much YOU will miss him. Even if she was the one to end the relationship, she will still probably be feeling sad.

My mother made it all about her when i left my first husband. Kept going on about how lovely he was and how she missed him. She never gave me a chance to tell her about what went wrong in our relationship, and why it ended. Because I was the one who finally called it off, I was deemed unworthy of any support. I can't talk about it with her to this day.

Please don't be like my mum!

Original poster
SillyBillyMother · 25/07/2023 17:20

@Grinchymother you're right, I haven't articulated my feelings about her situation. She is obviously my priority in all this. She's a bit of a closed book atm, and she's not quite herself, but seems okay on the whole. I am currently feeding her all her favourites and trying to make things as easy and pleasant for her as possible.

I wrote this post after receiving a text from him which made me realise that it was likely her that ended it, and I had previously thought it was mutual. I guess that's why my focus today has been on him. Rest assured though that she is well cared for, loved and prioritised.

OP posts:
Toobusytoocare · 25/07/2023 17:26

I felt the same when both my boys split up from their first proper girlfriends. I really missed both of them . I still see both of them occasionally in the town and still friends on FB . They are human beings that we cared for, so why should that change?

Grinchymother · 25/07/2023 17:32

Thank you for the clarification @SillyBillyMother I thought that was probably the case based on the general tone of you posts. And of course none of my business anyway, but I just couldn't help myself. You sound like a lovely mum 💐

Original poster
SillyBillyMother · 25/07/2023 17:47

@Grinchymother Flowers

OP posts:
blacknredsweeties · 25/07/2023 17:52

Lol I thought you fancied him 🤯

Original poster
SillyBillyMother · 25/07/2023 17:57

@Grinchymother you're right though, I have lost sight of her a bit since this morning, but the bigger picture is that she's the focus.

OP posts: