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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

My teenagers hate me

26 replies

Bexramps · 22/07/2023 08:25

Long story short I have been divorced from my ex-husband 6yrs - he had been cheating nearly half of our 15yr marriage. We have two children 16 Daughter and 14 yr old son.
After years of him telling me I was crazy (I suspected something was up and having a few mental breakdowns) I caught him out and kicked him out.
A few months later I met my now husband who is an angel and treats me the way I’ve always wanted to be. Then last year
things changed my daughter then 15 decided to move in with her Dad as she no longer liked my husband. Only trigger for this was during lockdown he was in between jobs and was home a few months and she was very introverted and likes to be left alone.
my daughter won’t come over if husband is around and that is another situation il add a thread on.
So I’ve spent time away on my own with just the kids in the UK and had a great time this year I thought I would go overseas. We went on Monday by Wednesday I had booked a flight home as I was having a massive panic attack and couldn’t calm myself down I was devastated at ruining the kids holiday but I wasn’t well.
my son who lives with us has barely spoken to me my anxiety is still through the roof as I feel such a disappointment and I’m petrified my son will move out too as he hates me. What do I do 😞

OP posts:

Hereforsummer · 22/07/2023 08:29

It sounds like the first thing you need to do is address your anxiety. Have you been to the GP? Once that is under control you will be able to think more clearly about the rest of it.

missingthewinchesterboys · 22/07/2023 08:37

You need to deal with your anxiety.
Obviously the kids would be upset, angry and disappointed that their holiday was cut short, you need to acknowledge that they have a right to feel that way, apologise and address the causes to move on.
On you DD not wanting to live with or be around your husband- there must be more to it than you have said. You moved on very quickly. Did you even have time to get over and process your previous marriage? It took me a good year to get over discovering an affair,
.

Thepossibility · 22/07/2023 08:43

This post doesn't paint you in the best light.
You ruined the holiday actually.
You moved a strange man into the house who was then there all day and night and made your child so uncomfortable they moved out!
I remember my mum's boyfriend making me uncomfortable to this day. He was innocent in her eyes. He was a fucking sleaze eyeing me up while wearing a towel.

Quartz2208 · 22/07/2023 08:46

Thepossibility · 22/07/2023 08:43

This. Are you getting help for your anxiety

rookiemere · 22/07/2023 08:51

Was there a reason you can identify that you were having the panic attacks on holiday?
I do think you have to accept that anybody would be quite angry about having their holiday cut short because of this. You need to prioritise getting medical help to control the panic attacks as a first priority and think about the rest later.

StellaJohanna · 22/07/2023 09:25

Regarding your daughter: Having a grown man brought into her living space who is no genetic relative to her is perceived as a threat subconsciously, because in fact, it is, and has been throughout history, in every culture, since the dawn of time Fathers are supposed to protect daughters from other men!

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 22/07/2023 09:54

You need to get support for your entirety. I can understand your kids being very disappointed by having to cut their holiday short, what do you think caused you to become so anxious you had to come home? teenagers aren’t the best with empathy, so you will probably need to put up with their disappointment for a while yet.

as for the situation with your husband and daughter. Has your daughter said why she suddenly didn’t want to be around your husband? I would want to look further into a situation where a teenage girl suddenly turns against a man who has been brought into her life. Sometimes there’s more to a situation than just teenage angst. I would want to be sure my disgusted was safe as she would be my priority over any man.

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 22/07/2023 09:55

daughter.

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 22/07/2023 10:00

And anxiety. Sorry for all the typos 🙈

lljkk · 22/07/2023 10:02

oh ffs, "every adult man is a threat to every woman everywhere" claim
HIDING

MichelleScarn · 22/07/2023 10:06

few months later I met my now husband who is an angel and treats me the way I’ve always wanted to be
when did he move in/you marry?

rookiemere · 22/07/2023 10:14

lljkk · 22/07/2023 10:02

oh ffs, "every adult man is a threat to every woman everywhere" claim
HIDING

That seems like a bit of an overreaction surely. It wasn't thought that had occurred to me, but surely it's worth considering.

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/07/2023 10:19

Why does your daughter dislike your husband so much? To refuse to see him at all suggests it’s not just that she preferred her own company in lockdown. Something’s gone on.

You’re obviously in a very bad way with your anxiety, maybe it’s best your son goes to his dad while you get help with managing it.

How does he get on with your husband?

Is your ex single or also remarried?

Farmageddon · 22/07/2023 10:29

I think you need to try and see this from your children's point of view - their life has been turned upside down, and now this new man has moved into their home that your daughter doesn't like. So much so that she chose to leave and go live somewhere else.

Have you gotten to the bottom of why she doesn't like your new husband? Could there be something that happened to make her feel like this? How does your husband treat her? Is he respectful?

You met this man very soon after your marriage ended, maybe your kids didn't have enough time to process what had happened. And now he is in their home and they don't get along with him. It might seem to them that you have chosen your new husband over them and their wellbeing.

Original poster

Bexramps · 22/07/2023 12:15

I just posted to have some support but it’s turned into an everybody hate me post. I have had anxiety for over 20yrs I’ve been medicated for nearly 10yrs the last episode I had was when I knew something was up with my ex husband.
Yes I moved on quick but I didn’t choose that (people are ignoring the fact my ex was having affairs with multiple women - but this is ok?) as I said he is different from my ex. I have asked my daughter why she feels the way she does and she never says anything other than I just don’t get in with him - thoughts have crossed my mind and I have asked her but nothing if I thought anything untoward had happened I would of kicked him out without and reported any such thing. Also my ex husband would not let my other child live with me.
I have apologised and explained to my kids multiple times about why I cut the holiday short and if I could take it all back I would in a heartbeat but I can’t - for those who have never suffered a severe acute panic attack please don’t judge until you do as it’s horrific. I called my GP and had a slight adjustment on my meds.
Anyway please don’t comment if all you want to do is bash me I know I upset people and I’m doing all I can to make things better 😔

OP posts:

Original poster

Bexramps · 22/07/2023 12:17

Note I have been with my new husband over 5years - it’s not a new relationship

OP posts:

Original poster

Bexramps · 22/07/2023 12:19

My husband was always respectful to my daughter, he is the same to my son.
my ex is with one of the women from his work he had an affair with she moved in to his house a month after my now husband. My daughter gets in fine with her although she has never spoken to me.

OP posts:

rookiemere · 22/07/2023 12:24

as Kindly as I can OP your DCs need an adult child relationship with you , with you as an adult.

You need to think about what is best for them. At the minute it seems like you're in a volatile place. I'd maybe message them and apologise for cutting the holiday short and say you're seeking additional medical help. Don't add in any ifs, buts and what nots.

Then do seek more help for your condition and stop focusing on what your exh did 15 years ago.

titchy · 22/07/2023 12:28

You didn't ask for advice about your crappy ex - that's why people aren't commenting on it. You asked for advice about your teens, and posters have been sympathetic to your anxiety. However you don't seem to have recognised the devastating impact that your anxiety has on your children. It may well be that letting them live with their father is a positive thing for them.

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 22/07/2023 12:29

I think you could do with some counselling tbh, there's a lot to unpick.

In hindsight moving onto another relationship so quickly was never going to end well.

Anxiety feels horrendous (I've had severe anxiety) but is completely harmless so you have to learn to recognise the symptoms of the adrenaline dump but not respond and wait for it to pass, which it will.

If I were you I'd start by planning one on one time with your kids, take your dd out to lunch or shopping. Be much more relaxed and let all the drama go, be interested in them and find out what's going on in their lives/what's important to them.

Don't make it about you or your feelings, just focus on them.

TreesandFish · 22/07/2023 12:30

Whoever your ex is with and why is irrelevant. Your children and their happiness are the priority. If they get on with dad's girlfriend and want to live with him, then it might be for the best.

Why did you have such bad anxiety over the holidays? Surely it can't be due to the affairs your ex has several years ago

honeyytoast · 22/07/2023 12:34

Nobody hates you, not the posters on here nor your children.
PP are just trying to communicate your daughter’s POV, which is that she isn’t getting on with an adult male who isn’t related to her but is still in her safe space.

Original poster

Bexramps · 22/07/2023 12:37

im going to come off of this I really thought it was a place where everyone helps and uplifts each other not slate everyone’s parenting.
I have had therapy, I’m on meds. My children are my priority I do spend separate time with my daughter and am always there when needed. I’m not perfect and nor is anyone else skating my life! having a bunch of strangers tell me how crap a mum I am is really great and I’m so glad I came on here.
you must all be really proud being keyboard warriors. Hope you all have a wonderful perfect life!!

OP posts:

Totaly · 22/07/2023 13:08

I’m sorry you feel that way but you do need help.

This holiday wasn’t ruined by you ex, his affairs or your new husband … it was ruined by you anxiety

Take some responsibility for that - I’m not sure why you came home and didn’t seek help abroad? Surely buying new flights was an added expense?

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 22/07/2023 13:24

Bexramps · 22/07/2023 12:37

OP you’re being very over sensitive. No has said any of the things you’re accusing them of. All I’ve seen are people acknowledging that your anxiety is affecting your relationship with your kids and urging you to get help, which it sounds like you are so that’s a real
positive.

it’s understandable your kids aren’t happy their holiday was cut short due to your anxiety. As awful as that was for you to experience you have to put yourself in your teenagers shoes. You can see why they are upset and disappointed, surely? They’ll get over it, but it may take some time.

no one has said anything about your ex. How he treated you in the past is not relevant to this situation. Yes I’m sure it’s galling for you that your kids seem to prefer your ex at the moment as in your head he is the bad guy. But he cheated on you not them and this is your issue not theirs. You can’t expect them to hate their dad just because you do.

don’t dismiss how your daughter feels about your husband. Even if there’s nothing untoward going on he may make her feel very uncomfortable. He only came into her life aged 11 and her issues with him started as she likely became more womanly. seeing as she likes her step mum it’s probably not a case of her just not wanting to accept any new relationship a parent enters.

again, no one hates you, but you do need to take ownership of the situation and not blame everything on how you were treated by your ex.

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