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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Ways to approach ds 15yo starting to try alcohol

44 replies

TimeLapse1 · 21/07/2023 10:03

Ds is just finishing year 10 and has been a couple of parties recently where he has drunk vodka. Not too much but he has enjoyed it and come home a bit tipsy. Some of the other kids at the parties have been pretty drunk.

We have had lots of chats about being sensible and what could happen, but he says just to trust him and “chill mum”. He is sensible in general but I’m just worried and don’t know the best way to approach things.

Any tips from people have been through this?

OP posts:
calmcoco · 21/07/2023 10:18

I have been through it, I didn't allow my teens at that age to go to parties where spirits were being drunk. You have a range of possible responses, you may not choose to go to the extreme of taking action to stop it, but you do not have to condone it.

If my kid told me to 'chill' I would be Hmm
Alcohol is damaging for young brains and vodka is a strong spirit.

Axelotl · 23/07/2023 20:50

Its difficult. I'm sure in my day we went to parties with a 4 pack of beer or a bottle of cider. It seems now that there's always some teens will be providing vodka. Either with fake ID or getting an older sibling/ bf to buy it.

You can try banning him from from going to parties with spirits , he'll just say ' honest , mum, this party is beer only'.

JazbayGrapes · 24/07/2023 09:24

Make an arrangement, that you will pick him up from parties or that he has means to call himself a taxi if he was drinking. That is the most important.
Alcohol may be bad, but not as bad as falling in a river.

reluctantbrit · 24/07/2023 19:57

We are quite strict about spirits like vodka. When invited, DD is allowed beer, wine, processo, cider. She is not keen luckily but I know that she would easily drink vodka lemondade or similar because she wouldn't realise what she is drinking.

We always pick her up, host parents have to be at home.

Thesunisshining888 · 29/07/2023 17:32

I think it is worrying that a 15 year old is getting tipsy. He could easily put himself in danger. I would not send him to parties where they are serving spirits.

Polik · 29/07/2023 18:23

My message to my children is that alcohol is for over 18s only. I have relaxed that at aged 17, because as friends start turning 18 they do all drink even though some won't have had their 18th birthday yet

I wouldn't be allowing my children to parties with drinking while still school age though. There are a certain kind of child that drinks when a younger teen (Im a secondary DSL, i work with teens). I wouldn't want my child to be that child, or encourage association with them.

Hulksmash1 · 30/07/2023 08:21

I've been curious how this happens in the USA

JazbayGrapes · 02/08/2023 11:11

I've been curious how this happens in the USA

Same as everywhere else. Fake IDs, older friends or "helpful" parents, sellers willing to turn a blind eye, moonshine...

Isheabastard · 02/08/2023 11:29

There’s always the chance when you try to restrict it or stop it, it just goes under cover.

It does often come down to what the parental model has been, the child’s personality and the group of friends. 9/10 times the worst that will happen is that they will embarrass themselves, vomit and wake up with a hangover. It’s the other 1/10 we worry about.

So the child needs to know how alcohol can lead to making other bad decisions. I had an arrangement with my dd that I would come and pick her up any time anyplace if she felt uncomfortable/ unsafe. We wouldn’t discuss the whys and wherefores until the next day. The discussion was about how she could avoid getting herself into these situations. I also kept some money by the front door for if she ever needed a taxi to get home safely. I did this even when she was over 18.

I tried to explain that drinking alcohol is like riding a bike or learning to swim. It can be fun, but it can also go horribly wrong. If you can’t stop them, they need to practice safely before 18.

The final thing I did was to buy a breathalyser. It was mainly so she could check herself if she stayed over at a party and was driving the next day.

Hulksmash1 · 02/08/2023 14:48

JazbayGrapes · 02/08/2023 11:11

I've been curious how this happens in the USA

Same as everywhere else. Fake IDs, older friends or "helpful" parents, sellers willing to turn a blind eye, moonshine...

I ask because the US drinking age of 21 is enforced and it's not "legal if it's private property"

reluctantbrit · 02/08/2023 19:53

Hulksmash1 · 02/08/2023 14:48

I ask because the US drinking age of 21 is enforced and it's not "legal if it's private property"

Show quote history

You have plenty of underage drinking. Less in restaurants/bars but plenty in private parties or college parties.

The issue is that if you restrict it too much you have the opposite effect you want to achieve.

DD just tried yesterday vodka the first time - at home, with dinner, a measure given to her by us with lots of talk about it. I prefer that to drinking unsupervised at a private party.

Tryingtohelp12 · 02/08/2023 20:00

My mum refused to buy me alcohol - i just ended up going undercover and getting an older looking mate to buy me a bottle of vodka. I couldn’t bring it home so would drink a lot of it in one night. My friends mum would buy 2 large Smirnoff ice or wkd (alcopops). She was open with her mum and never drank more than she was given. I think that is probably the better approach. My kids are very young though so may feel differently when they reach that age!

Hulksmash1 · 02/08/2023 20:09

reluctantbrit · 02/08/2023 19:53

You have plenty of underage drinking. Less in restaurants/bars but plenty in private parties or college parties.

The issue is that if you restrict it too much you have the opposite effect you want to achieve.

DD just tried yesterday vodka the first time - at home, with dinner, a measure given to her by us with lots of talk about it. I prefer that to drinking unsupervised at a private party.

Show quote history

Might I ask how old Ur DD is?

reluctantbrit · 02/08/2023 21:32

Hulksmash1 · 02/08/2023 20:09

Might I ask how old Ur DD is?

Show quote history

She is. 16.

Haggisfish3 · 02/08/2023 21:35

I have rehearsed what they might want to say if they don’t want to drink, discussed tactics for stalling drinking them, limiting intake, discussed recovery position and importance for them and drunk friends, discussed importance of staying together and being truthful. And knowing they can always always call me if they need to. And we have a text and voice danger word that means come and get me now.

Hohohoholidays · 02/08/2023 21:39

Along with talking about the dangers etc the thing that worries me the most for my nearly 18 year old is free pour serves at parties so I tend to buy 3 or 4 premixed cans so they know exactly how much they are drinking as I think it can be easy for them to get carried away and not have a clue how much they have had or how strong the drinks are.

rookiemere · 03/08/2023 07:01

DS is 17 and we have been buying him beer for parties since he was 16. I don't really approve of buying alcohol for underage DCs, but it was a previous thread here that convinced me it was wrong to let him go empty handed.

Plus beer is not as dangerous as spirits, so we would rather he have a few bottles of beer than drink vodka. Sadly don't seem to have escaped that one as found two empty vodka bottles in his drawers - one of them my Grey Goose Hmm - which he didn't even have the wit to dispose of.

I drunk when I was underage, but it was all under the carpet. I don't know if it's better or not that DS feels quite open about it all, but we just try to keep communication open and say if he or any of his friends get into trouble he can always ring us.

Riverlee · 03/08/2023 07:06

We ipused to allow dc to have a glass of wine or cider with a meal, so alcohol doesn’t become ‘a thing’.

Peony654 · 03/08/2023 07:09

He’s going to drink alcohol, whatever you do. Banning it won’t help. I’d personally be encouraging him to have beer instead (get him the lowest alcohol one). It’s so easy to drink too much spirits.

NancyJoan · 03/08/2023 07:13

When DD started going to parties with booze, I used to buy her the premix cans, and say she was not to drink anything else. I’m not sure how successful that was, tbh.

She’s nearly 18 now, her group are quite a party crowd, but things rarely get out of hand, and we talk about things a lot. She knows we will always pick her up, and that her friends can always stay here if they need to.

CapEBarra · 03/08/2023 07:16

I was brought up in a very strict household where underage alcohol drinking was strictly prohibited. It just went underground - secret vodka drinking at parties and when out with friends, in sometimes quite risky circumstances. I’ve done the opposite with my kids (15 and 17). They have free access to alcohol and they’re not interested at all. I think taking away the mystery and thrill of subterfuge and ‘forbidden fruit’ has made it a lot less attractive. They’re also quite sporty and into health and fitness so alcohol has less allure than it did for us.

ItStopsHere · 03/08/2023 07:18

Not letting my kids go to parties where there is alcohol would have been not letting them go to any parties. Maybe it's the area we live, but it is the norm here for kids to have alcohol, even if parents don't allow it at home, there are beach parties instead.
I've never bought neat spirits. But one thing we have found handy is premixed cans, none of mine are big drinkers and it's easier to monitor your intake with the pre mixes, rather than some 15yr old glugging out a "measure".
We've never made an issue of it, although I don't like how young they drink here. DD has always struggled with having to deal with drunken friends, she stays sober, but then feels responsible for others.

mumonthehill · 03/08/2023 07:21

Ds 16 is allowed to take cans of lager or cider, absolutely not allowed to take vodka although others do. We allow a drink at home on special occasions and have recently been in Italy where they can drink at 16.

Fizbosshoes · 03/08/2023 07:25

DD had vodka when she was 15.
She told me they would be trying alcohol at a friend's house. The only time AFAIK (and she doesn't go out a lot anyway) where she has had alcohol is at friends houses where I know parents are present and I or another parent will be collecting.

MavisChunch29 · 03/08/2023 07:26

I was quite relaxed about it with DD1 as it wasn't very frequent and not affecting school or anything. DD2 not quite at that stage yet.

What I would say is when DD1 was a little older in 6th form, there was a lot less going out underage drinking than I used to do as it's much harder to get served and it's expensive to go out.

And the parties tended to be in school holidays, not every Friday night. In the mid 1990s my friends and I had fake ID and used to get hammered every Friday at the student union bar on strong cider. But my mum picked us up at about half eleven and it was all pretty safe really. At the other end of the scale some girls in my year had older boyfriends were clubbing or going to raves from age 14 or 15 and taking Es. That's not to say it's all ok and safe now - different things to worry about perhaps. I'm glad DD1 has had some experience of managing alcohol before going to university though. I remember the students who hadn't been out much before in the 1990s - oh dear.