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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DS and Gf

28 replies

Basilandparsleyandmint · 20/07/2023 20:23

So my DS 16 has a girlfriend of approx 6 months. She seems a lovely girl.
however they seem to expect her family and mine to have them both for tea on alternative nights.
I do t want this yet DS will have her here and it’s so hard to say no.
how do I handle this?
her parents seems very open to this and treat him like a family member but they are 16/17 and I think it’s too full on .
they are Having a full physical relationship and I don’t want Tom push him way yet feel they are dictating too much in that they will just go to her family as they are even going his washing if he leaves stuff there.

OP posts:
7Worfs · 20/07/2023 20:27

What are your reasons against?
Are they making polite dinner conversation and helping with cooking / setting up table / clearing up?

ShakespeareInTurmoil · 20/07/2023 20:31

I’m not sure this would bother me, and when I was a teen it was open house at home - friends and boyfriends and girlfriends could join any meal and come and go as they pleased.

I think if they’re being pleasant and helpful I’d be fine with it.

Seasideanticscanleadtosandybuckets · 20/07/2023 20:31

Ime the best way to have a great long term relationship with your adult ds is to support his relationships!

Original poster
Basilandparsleyandmint · 20/07/2023 20:40

They do nothing apart from expect food.
Vert little conversation and go upstairs and do whatever they do. Why should I have to accommodate an extra person 3-4 days out of 7.
they ar 16/17 years old teens in a relationship not living together or married.
i think it’s too much and unhealthy and it’s doing my head in.
it’s lovely he has a lovely and nice girlfriend.
however back in my day (90’s) invites to tea and occasionally a few invite teas with family were rare.
the expectations of my DS and his GF seem too full on and I just wondered if this was the norm these days.

OP posts:
Seasideanticscanleadtosandybuckets · 20/07/2023 20:43

At 16 telling him you aren't running a knocking shop is fine! Tell him if she is to be a family member(which he is playing at) you need to share a meal! They can cook one night! Ime you need to see how they treat each other.. Especially under your eye! We only allow proper partners overnight... Not casual..

IhaveanewTVnow · 20/07/2023 20:45

It seems to be the norm now to be full on full and see each other everyday and sleep overs all of the time. I understand what you are saying but I think that’s the way it is - 100% or nothing. I get mine to cook or at least meal plan and clear up.

TheChestOfEverything · 20/07/2023 20:48

I think you need to talk to him about how nice it would be just to have the family for dinner without any additional people all the time. It is very full on to see each other every day. Do they not see their friends? I don't think it is healthy to only see each other, always be with each other and expect meals at each other's houses on alternate days. It won't be long before he is potentially off to uni so I would want to cherish this time to have some days as just the family.

Ragwort · 20/07/2023 20:49

I would seriously discourage that, at 16 my DS was enjoying sports, meeting friends, Youth Club, part time job some studying etc ... even now at 22 he has never suggested inviting a GF round for a sleepover ... it's tough if you've condoned this sort of behaviour up to now, but I would be very disappointed if this was my DC. It seems so young to be in a serious relationship.

carrotcakebae · 20/07/2023 20:57

I agree with you

Original poster
Basilandparsleyandmint · 20/07/2023 20:57

I feel like if I say to them, they will just go to her parents more as they are more open to treating them like an adult relationship so I feel very controlled.
He is my oldest child and so this is all quite new to me and whilst I don’t want to be unwelcoming I do feel pushed into a situation.
like I say she is very nice and my DS likes her very much and I am happy for them.
I just don’t want her here every other night for tea.
I don’t want to push my DS away so feel stuck in having here and am feeling resentful.
I have always welcomed all my children’s friends here and often host sleepovers and drop ins.
however this is different and I am struggling a bit x

OP posts:
carrotcakebae · 20/07/2023 21:00

Basilandparsleyandmint · 20/07/2023 20:57

I feel like if I say to them, they will just go to her parents more as they are more open to treating them like an adult relationship so I feel very controlled.
He is my oldest child and so this is all quite new to me and whilst I don’t want to be unwelcoming I do feel pushed into a situation.
like I say she is very nice and my DS likes her very much and I am happy for them.
I just don’t want her here every other night for tea.
I don’t want to push my DS away so feel stuck in having here and am feeling resentful.
I have always welcomed all my children’s friends here and often host sleepovers and drop ins.
however this is different and I am struggling a bit x

I see where your coming from however you need to have your own boundaries and not be pushed into something you feel uncomfortable with .

Original poster
Basilandparsleyandmint · 20/07/2023 21:00

Just to clarify they have asked for sleepovers but I have said no - for me it is too young to be having a partner stay over night. They are having sex which I can’t and won’t control as they are of legal age but I am not allowing sleepovers.

OP posts:
Mars27 · 20/07/2023 21:01

I'd say that if you can afford it, it's better to have them under your roof than out there doing God knows what.
I know I'd prefer this to be wondering where he is and cause my anxiety to go through the roof.

aSofaNearYou · 20/07/2023 21:05

Can't you just tell him he isn't allowed to go over to hers every night?

viques · 20/07/2023 21:08

You need to talk to her parents. Explain that she is lovely, you are very fond of her and you are pleased they get on so well,but that you feel they are both a bit young yet for such an intense relationship. Say that you want him (and presumably they want their daughter) to keep up with school work, and also have family time with his siblings. You would also like him to keep up with other friends/ continue with scouts/ maintain his sport delete as applicable. Suggest that while you are happy for them to see each other at the weekend, you would like weekdays to be limited to (say) Tuesday and Wednesday. And that they are both back in their respective homes by half past nine on a school nights.

SmirnoffIceIsNice · 20/07/2023 21:09

Maybe a compromise of allowing her twice a week to have dinner with you, but on the proviso that they help prepare and/or help tidy up/wash up after the meal. No hiding in his room until the food is ready and then buggering off again straight after. You're a family, not a pop-in cafe. I'd be asking DS too if he could have dinner with the family just him one night a week so it's just your family unit.

bellsandwhistles333 · 20/07/2023 21:12

I agree with you my step son 16 has got a new girlfriend of 2 months and she seems sweet and he is utterly smitten.

He too wants her here every Saturday and Sundays he's with us 11am till 11pm! he's already stated over at hers which I was not happy about not because of sex but because it's too much too quick I feel.

I don't want to seem mean but am getting close to staying she doesn't come one day as we would like to spend time with him?
We are the only drivers also so it's us fetching and carrying her and we don't mind it's about a 15/20 drive it's more feeling like you are on call than anything!

EuniceNewtonFoote · 20/07/2023 21:54

I think it’s too much and unhealthy and it’s doing my head in

I agree. When do they see their individual friends? When my dd and her bf broke up she was so glad she'd kept seeing her mates regularly and didn't build her life around him.

They're teenagers dating and they need time apart, time with their families and time their friends.

Pkhsvd · 20/07/2023 22:02

I’d be pushing for at least one night a week that is “family” night and I think that’s quite reasonable or try a different route of making plans for a day out or activities that are just him and not his girlfriend invited.
It does seem that now teen relationships are often quite intense with how much they see each other and carving in some space might help

junebirthdaygirl · 20/07/2023 22:49

You would be concerned that if these relationships break up they are devastated as they have lost their support system of friends/ activities etc. Its very intense at such a young age and they can find it difficult to get over it ending. If he is still in school..which l presume he is...l would say 2 nights gf over and 2 nights back to her home. The other nights he has to do other stuff ..dinner with family/ team sport/ gym etc. He needs exercise, friends and just his own down time. Talk to him at a time he is not heading over there.
Actually in my house he wouldn't have been taking his gf to his room especially when we had younger dc here. Same rules were at his gf's house. They are young.

Rainbowqueeen · 20/07/2023 22:56

I’d also speak to her parents. They may have exactly the same concerns as you. If they don’t then they should. This is way too much at their age

See if you all as parents can come up with an arrangement that you can agree on and present it to DS and gf as a united front. They both need to be spending time with other friends and their own families. Use the argument that it’s much healthier for their relationship.

TriedTurningItOff · 21/07/2023 05:28

You're in a difficult position. I'm not sure how I'd handle this. Can you go halfway: insist on at least one or ideally two nights of 'just family' at home for dinner?

Original poster
Basilandparsleyandmint · 21/07/2023 07:01

Thank you all for your comments - it has been really helpful to know that my concerns are not totally way off mark.

I am going to try and have a good chat with him. We have always been able talk and he can be very honest with me.
I am not trying to stop his fun just give balance.

I am concerned he has dropped his friends and what will happen should they break up like one poster said above.He starts his a-levels in September so hopefully it is sorted by then.

i remember what is was like to be 16 so will tread carefully.

OP posts:
EuniceNewtonFoote · 21/07/2023 07:06

You're in a difficult position

She really isn't. She's the parent of a school kid living under her roof. "DS we really like your gf and she's welcome here on Tuesdays and Saturdays but we want you here without her at least 3 evenings a week and you really need to hang out with your mates and she with hers."

When did we start allowing our kids dictate to us?

CrapBucket · 21/07/2023 07:09

This is going to be the longest most carefree summer of his life so far (maybe ever), he has discovered the fun of having a girlfriend, and she is a nice person!

They are alternating days and not sleeping over. I think it sounds pretty balanced. Tell them they are cooking/washing up/walking the dog now and then so you don’t become a servant to them but other than that I would count your blessings what a great kid you have raised.