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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

What would be a fair punishment.

54 replies

ThePM · 16/07/2023 07:37

I only have daughters, so perhaps would look for a more severe punishment than parents of sons.

What punishment should be put in place for the boys who push in the toilet doors at school to film the girls. Or who make videos of themselves being lascivious about classmates (e.g. pretending to masturbate whilst saying her name) and the like. All the videos have been distributed to friends and/or classmates. I just see them getting away with it.

I don’t believe for one second that this is boys immaturity and having a laugh, I think it’s pure domination and predation, and should be treated accordingly. Do parents of sons ever point out “your friend sounds like a sexual predator”

I would like that -this was always a criminal matter; that there was a legal ban on the perpetrators having access to smartphones; a ban on using the internet other than under the supervision of a parent/teacher.

OP posts:
Maddy70 · 16/07/2023 08:14

ThePM · 16/07/2023 07:49

Two slightly different points.

People are saying “He” as if this is a one off- this happens in every mixed sex school, in every year.

The police checked a couple of phones, but didn’t pursue it criminally. Exclusion- didn’t happen.

I was a safeguarding lead in schools for many years. This does not happen in every mixed sex school.

It would be dealt with very seriously and with police intervention it would be registered on a system that links all relevant agencies together

Torven · 16/07/2023 08:14

I grew up thinking men and women were entirely equal and not particularly different. Feel bad for you. But wonder if you're exaggerating because you recognise the problem I identified in yourselves.

GoodChat · 16/07/2023 08:15

this happens in every mixed sex school, in every year.

No, it really doesn't.

NoSquirrels · 16/07/2023 08:15

ThePM · 16/07/2023 07:52

Do parents not start the conversation?
e.g. “Are there boys who look to film girls in the toilets?” Or “Have you been sent videos of boys being gross about classmates”?

Show quote history

No. They don’t. I think it’s an odd conversation-opener with an average teenager!

Tinybrother · 16/07/2023 08:18

Torven · 16/07/2023 08:14

I grew up thinking men and women were entirely equal and not particularly different. Feel bad for you. But wonder if you're exaggerating because you recognise the problem I identified in yourselves.

Who are you talking to?

FFSwhatisthis · 16/07/2023 08:19

'Every mixed sex school, in every year'

what a monumental load of bullshit.

Tinybrother · 16/07/2023 08:22

I do think sexual harassment of teenage girls by teenage boys is still, unfortunately, widespread.

I don’t think that more shaming and physical punishment of small boys is the answer to reducing the number of abusive men.

TheTurn0fTheScrew · 16/07/2023 08:24

I only have girls, so don't know how parents of boys tackle this kind of behaviour.

It is absolutely a safeguarding issue, and so should be taken very seriously by any school. And it certainly isn't the norm. My DC attend an urban, mixed comprehensive with slightly below average results, which most MNers would probably run a mile from, but they have never encountered anything like this. The odd stupid sexist remark, yes. Sexually violent or harassing behaviour, no.

CamCola · 16/07/2023 08:26

ThePM · 16/07/2023 08:04

… because someone started a thread on Mumsnet and you wanted to ask it it happens at his school?

… because it was in the news?

… because you want to set the standard of behaviour?

Show quote history

No…. Most parents don’t ask their kids that. They have general conversations.

OneFrenchEgg · 16/07/2023 08:26

I have both. One is gay, we have different conversations about predators (on the gay scene). It wouldn't occur to me to ask my others if boys in their school up skirt girls. We talk generally about behaviour and respect but why single that out unless it was in the local news or a letter home?

Tinybrother · 16/07/2023 08:33

It sounds like something really awful has happened at the OP’s daughters’ school and it has been handled very badly.

Goldbar · 16/07/2023 08:42

I wouldn't want those boys anywhere near my DD and would be reporting them to the police and expecting the school to take an extremely hard line.

If my DS acted like that, I would be so ashamed and would think he'd gotten off lightly if he'd avoided a police visit for what is in fact criminal behaviour.

Original poster
ThePM · 16/07/2023 08:50

DustyLee123 · 16/07/2023 08:07

I’m not minimising it, I’m calling you out on your statement. I work in schools , I really don’t think it happens in every year of every school.
And you’ve not answered my question of whether you’ve spoken to the safeguarding lead.

Show quote history

Of course I spoke to the Safeguarding Lead, and the police so there was a Police Intervention.

What would’ve happened in your school? A telling off from the Principal and the parents coming in doesn’t cut it with me. I don’t think it’s enough.

OP posts:
Helpmepleaseimbusy · 16/07/2023 08:53

travelallthetime · 16/07/2023 08:07

No parent I know would ask their son if boys are inappropriately filming girls, why the hell would we. Its a minority of dickheads who clearly need taking to task, possibly by the police.

I'm pretty sure they would if they got wind this was happening. I'm also quite sure the questions would start if the girl in questions was their daughter.

RedRobyn2021 · 16/07/2023 08:54

So I do want to add, that I did let my DD watch TV as a baby too, but only very restricted amounts, so maybe 1 episode of Bing (6 minutes) so that I could change her dirty nappy without her rolling away. When I said I wouldn't do that, I just meant the volume of tv. I do think there are very few parents that don't let their kids watch any, but I would be very interested to meet one and meet their child.

RedRobyn2021 · 16/07/2023 08:54

Oops wrong threat sorry 😂

RedRobyn2021 · 16/07/2023 08:55

Good Lord thread*

GloriousSludge · 16/07/2023 08:59

I’m surprised people don’t talk to their teens about this stuff. I do, it’ll be on the news or something dodgy will happen while we’re out (me and dd got flashed last week), and I’ll talk about different scenarios and how to respond to them.

Anyway, I have dds and I agree with the OP. I’d want something serious, meaningful and longer term than a few days exclusion to happen to boys who behaved that way. Ideally it would be school, parents and police all working together to educate, prevent a repeat and punish.

Cas112 · 16/07/2023 09:03

Do parents not start the conversation?
e.g. “Are there boys who look to film girls in the toilets?” Or “Have you been sent videos of boys being gross about classmates”?

Why would anyone ask that

MissyB1 · 16/07/2023 09:06

ThePM · 16/07/2023 08:50

Of course I spoke to the Safeguarding Lead, and the police so there was a Police Intervention.

What would’ve happened in your school? A telling off from the Principal and the parents coming in doesn’t cut it with me. I don’t think it’s enough.

Show quote history

Right so why the vague /aggressive/ disjointed posts? Try actually explaining what happened and what the issue is. This very generalised pop at parents of boys is just weird! No we don’t all assume our boys are sex pests, and we don’t interrogate them about whether their friends are sex pests as soon as they get in from school every day.

My ds does chat naturally to me about any incidents at school, not just incidents between boys and girls, just anything really. There was an incident recently where a boy out his hand in a girls thigh in a lesson and didn’t remove it. He was in isolation for the next two days and his parents were called in . I don’t know what was said to his parents but I would have made it clear that if it happened again he would be excluded( it’s a private school).

Tinybrother · 16/07/2023 09:22

“Right so why the vague /aggressive/ disjointed posts? Try actually explaining what happened and what the issue is. This very generalised pop at parents of boys is just weird!”

agree, things are a lot clearer now

DustyLee123 · 16/07/2023 09:23

ThePM · 16/07/2023 08:50

Of course I spoke to the Safeguarding Lead, and the police so there was a Police Intervention.

What would’ve happened in your school? A telling off from the Principal and the parents coming in doesn’t cut it with me. I don’t think it’s enough.

Show quote history

OK so it’s a drip feed post then.

isthesolution · 16/07/2023 09:44

Push the toilet doors in? Are you saying filming them on the toilet. Then I'd say this is a biiiig punishment ..... if the videos show parts of their body and are distributed then that's distributing inappropriate images of children. Police should be called.

Videoing themselves and saying other peoples names is totally different.

I wish schools would just remove kids phones from them as they walked into the building!

Original poster
ThePM · 16/07/2023 10:07

MissyB1 · 16/07/2023 09:06

Right so why the vague /aggressive/ disjointed posts? Try actually explaining what happened and what the issue is. This very generalised pop at parents of boys is just weird! No we don’t all assume our boys are sex pests, and we don’t interrogate them about whether their friends are sex pests as soon as they get in from school every day.

My ds does chat naturally to me about any incidents at school, not just incidents between boys and girls, just anything really. There was an incident recently where a boy out his hand in a girls thigh in a lesson and didn’t remove it. He was in isolation for the next two days and his parents were called in . I don’t know what was said to his parents but I would have made it clear that if it happened again he would be excluded( it’s a private school).

Show quote history

So he sexually assaulted her? And it was a show of domination by a predator?
Minor telling off so the school can tick off that they did ‘something’. That’s exactly the weak response I’m talking about. Would it have been satisfactory if your son was on the receiving end by a boy that much stronger than him.

Hopefully you used language like predator to him, and that you expect him to set a tone in his social group that is isn’t ’stupid’ but instead “rapey”.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThePM · 16/07/2023 10:10

DustyLee123 · 16/07/2023 09:23

OK so it’s a drip feed post then.

Show quote history

Not at all. It isn’t about what we experienced, it’s about the general expectations and responses.

OP posts: