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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Boyfriends staying over

31 replies

Mrsharrington · 09/07/2023 23:44

DD has a bf. Her first. She’s 17, he’s 18. We’ve had the contraception talk with her. Pretty sure they are sexually active. She wants him to sleep over. Do I let him? I suppose no reason why not. Not entirely thrilled at the idea of them having sex in my house but where else can they go?

Bit concerned about our thin walls.

any advice about how to make it as least awkward as possible?

OP posts:
LordSalem · 10/07/2023 00:29

At this age I'd have a quiet chat again about using protection and keeping the noise down. It's your house, your rules and living or staying under your roof, those rules should be respected.

Thebigblueballoon · 10/07/2023 00:33

I’d let him. If you say no they’ll only go elsewhere and you’ll end up worrying even more. Just don’t do what my parents did at that age and make the sleep in separate bedrooms.

Mumtothreegirlies · 10/07/2023 00:34

My daughters 17 and I’m pretty relaxed but I wouldn’t let her have a boyfriend round to sleep.
I had my daughter when I was 18 so I’m extra cautious. I think once you start condoning the sex under your roof it’s also condoning an adult type relationship which I don’t think at that age they’re ready for.

MaggyNoodles · 10/07/2023 00:53

I have teens about the same age. I don't think this is about sex as they're going to do that anyway if they want to.
It's about trust.
Do you like the boyfriend? Does he join in with family life when he's at your house? Does he treat your daughter well, and is he respectful of your home and everyone in it? If you're not answering yes to all of these questions then you're not ready for him to stay over, and you should explain why to your daughter.

Aquamarine1029 · 10/07/2023 01:16

Your daughter is just 17. She does not need her boyfriend staying over at night. It's making their relationship much too serious, much too quickly.

healthadvice123 · 10/07/2023 01:37

My 18 year old ds just asked if his 17 year old girlfriend can stay over this weekend gone, I agreed as lomg as her parents were ok with it. They have been seeing each other a couple of months and she comes over a fair bit anyway and we aren’t always in the house , whereas when she stayed over we were. We have thin walls so I think it was more anout just spending time together as both have been away recently. I would rather he be honest and we know where they are etc
each person will have a different rule though so its up to you if you feel comfortable with it, no right or wrong each to their own.

Seddon · 10/07/2023 02:09

Interesting to read 50/50 views on this. Something to keep in mind, if you're saying no to sleepovers and his family is saying yes, she will probably just start staying at his a lot.

If you're worried about hearing anything, make that one of the conditions of saying yes. Both my young adults have their long term girlfriends stay over and while I can hear talking, watching TV etc. from their rooms I've never heard anything that sounded like sex - I'm sure they're just as keen to not be overheard as I am to not overhear!

Original poster
Mrsharrington · 10/07/2023 06:28

Thanks for replies. Yes I will set ground rules if I decide it’s fine.

He lives quite a way from us so the travel to see each other is tricky. It makes practical sense to stay over or else one of them will always have a bit of a journey home. And yes he’s a nice boy.

OP posts:
incognito50me · 10/07/2023 12:09

My DD15 has a boyfriend, I know (but his parents don't) that they have recently become sexually active. I was not thrilled about it - it is not a legal issue where I live, but at 15 the emotional maturity for sex is questionable - however, they have two kinds of contraception sorted now.

We like the boy and would have been fine with a sleepover. I should qualify this: after they've been together for three months, talking to each other daily for eight months, and clearly being in a stable relationship for this age. Also, we would have been ok with one sleepover a month or so, not every weekend.
His parents were not fine with a sleepover, which is also very legitimate. I spoke to his mom so that we were on the same page. They also like our daughter and have no issues with her being at their place during the day and evening any day (same for us).

Sleepovers or not is your decision based on what is right for your family. However, you are not stopping sexual activity by not having sleepovers.
For us, and for the boy's parents, it's important that they are safe, in one of their homes. While his parents don't know they've had sex already, I'm pretty sure they suspect it'll soon be the case.

incognito50me · 10/07/2023 12:18

Seddon · 10/07/2023 02:09

Interesting to read 50/50 views on this. Something to keep in mind, if you're saying no to sleepovers and his family is saying yes, she will probably just start staying at his a lot.

If you're worried about hearing anything, make that one of the conditions of saying yes. Both my young adults have their long term girlfriends stay over and while I can hear talking, watching TV etc. from their rooms I've never heard anything that sounded like sex - I'm sure they're just as keen to not be overheard as I am to not overhear!

We are in this situation (we said yes, his parents said no). Knowing that, I will not allow a sleepover at our place either.
Both sets of parents are fine with the kids being in each other's homes; they prefer his place, as it's a row house and they are undisturbed at an upper floor. We have an apartment, there is less privacy.

bellsandwhistles333 · 10/07/2023 15:31

Oh I no I'm probably the exception here but I am just not on board. My SS is 16 and girlfriend of a couple of months also 16. She's been over the whole day and had tea etc then one of us has driven her home at 11ish latest.

He stayed over at her house last week ( he was ok his mums time and she agreed) she's now said she can possibly stay at their house soon.

I am dead against it at this house I just think there's no need! We are happy to drive her home or on the off occasion pay for an Uber if she's staying later.
I just said to him that it's a no here and there's no need.... they are not sexual active that we know of (sons pretty old ) but as we all know that can change very quickly!!

Jobalob · 10/07/2023 15:36

Absolutely no way from me. They can have sex at my house but then go home afterwards. It doesn't need a sleepover, sleeping over takes the relationship into a whole new category. I'm fairly shocked about people allowing sleepovers with 15 year olds but there you go.

bellsandwhistles333 · 10/07/2023 15:45

@Jobalob that's my thinking also it's not the sex I'm dead against I understand that will happen when it happens we've had the protection chats.

It's the idea of waking up together then having breakfast and becoming too involved too quickly with each other and with the families etc we are very welcoming of course and we get her favourite food in and we treat the to the cinema and stuff on occasions but I don't like the idea of them getting too involved too quickly.

But I do remember always wanting to me with my boyfriend at 16 also so I understand the feelings

ABugWife · 10/07/2023 16:19

My daughter is 15 and she is sexually active with her boyfriend, she has spoken to me and is using contraception. Obviously I would prefer she waited but teens will be teens.

At this age it would be a no to sleepovers, but at 16/17 I think I will allow it as long as it doesn't become every week and I don't hear anything. Also dependant on how healthy the relationship seems.

I lived with my boyfriend from age 15 as his aunt fostered us both and it was difficult at times, especially when we broke up but had to continue living together.

incognito50me · 10/07/2023 17:18

@Jobalob , @bellsandwhistles333 - it's a legitimate concern and a valid position. We are in a European country where the majority view is that young couples spend nights together (some right away). Their classmates who are also coupled up have had sleepovers. We are foreigners here and in our view, sleepovers from the beginning don't feel right. But in an established relationship - which this is - an occasional sleepover would be acceptable.

I think they'll now try to find a way to spend a night together at a friend's house or at a school trip, and I'd rather they not resort to lying. At this stage of my daughter's life, it's about preserving trust, good family relationships, and minimizing harm from risk-taking and poorly considered decisions.

justanothermanicmonday1 · 10/07/2023 20:30

I would rather my DD be under our roof with her bf staying than anywhere else tbh.

healthadvice123 · 11/07/2023 02:29

I don’t get the view of staying over more involved etc , once they have sex that changes the dynamic hugely anyway surely
staying over is just spending time together, not much different than spending all day together in my opinion.
i think it prob very much depends on your kids though, my son still sees his friends and works erc and I would say they spend a healthy amount of time together so a sleepover here and there ( not every night ) I just don’t see that as a big deal

incognito50me · 11/07/2023 08:48

@healthadvice123 , I think both aspects on their own can change the relationship: the sex and the sleepovers. I am of the opinion that in my DDs particular case, the sleepovers, if occasional, would not change much. They spend as much time together as they possibly can and often fall asleep talking to each other on the phone.

On the other hand, what I don't want to happen is scheming to spend the night together somewhere less appropriate than their homes, and behaving as if they're married (sleepovers all weekend long, every weekend). They are just 15, it's too early for that. The former is more likely than the latter, as neither set of parents is in favor of the latter.

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 18/07/2023 22:58

I'm having this debate now, it's really tricky as like a pp said if I stop dds bf staying over here then she'll just go to his house.

They're both 17 and dd has contraception.

I let him stay over the other night but felt really stressed about it, I told dd I did not want to hear anything and tbf I didn't but it still made me feel anxious.

Soapyspuds · 18/07/2023 23:46

I have teens about the same age. I don't think this is about sex as they're going to do that anyway if they want to. It's about trust. Do you like the boyfriend? Does he join in with family life when he's at your house? Does he treat your daughter well, and is he respectful of your home and everyone in it? If you're not answering yes to all of these questions then you're not ready for him to stay over, and you should explain why to your daughter

This is so true.

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 19/07/2023 07:56

Soapyspuds · 18/07/2023 23:46

I have teens about the same age. I don't think this is about sex as they're going to do that anyway if they want to. It's about trust. Do you like the boyfriend? Does he join in with family life when he's at your house? Does he treat your daughter well, and is he respectful of your home and everyone in it? If you're not answering yes to all of these questions then you're not ready for him to stay over, and you should explain why to your daughter

This is so true.

This is a good way to look at it, luckily I can answer yes to those questions! I have a very sensitive dickhead radar and it's not beeped once at my dds bf 😂

Jobalob · 19/07/2023 08:01

Why does having safe sex at one of their homes hve to lead to a pseudo living together arrangement with none of the adult responsibilities that living together brings? Why can’t they have time together in their homes and then go home? These are children who are still in education, some of them not even GCSE age. It can put them in a situation that’s too heavy for them to handle. What is there to aim for in adulthood if we are encouraging adult relationships so young when they mainly don’t have the maturity to handle them

Ragwort · 19/07/2023 08:05

I agree with others that it's not about the sex it's more the fact that I wouldn't be encouraging a 'serious' relationship at such a young age.

A relative of mine decided to be 'cool' about her DD having her BF sleep over, bought a double bed ... but when that relationship ended she then had a stream of different men staying over, my relative got totally fed up of having to share the breakfast table/shower etc with 'new' boyfriends. Once you've said 'yes' it's difficult to change the rules.

I am just grateful that my DS (22) has never suggested bringing a GF/BF home for the night ... nor has he stayed over. I've no doubt he had GFs at Uni but he's never wanted to bring anyone home ... neither did I when I lived at home ... still managed to have a colourful sex life.

Ragwort · 19/07/2023 08:09

Job - totally agree and I do think some parents make it too comfortable for their DC at home, when I was younger we couldn't wait to leave home and have our 'independence' .. yes, I know rents are much more expensive etc etc but we put up with grotty bed sits, lodgings etc. So many DPs make their young adults lives very, very comfortable... there no incentive to leave home.

JazbayGrapes · 19/07/2023 10:41

I wouldn't condone it. Especially if you have younger kids at home.