My heart breaks for my DD’s Long standing friendship difficulties

[shmiz]

This literally breaks my heart
it’s like a physical pain
i hate to think she feels this pain too
i hate that she hates herself for this
15yr DD
difficulty maintaining friendships has been a constant theme
knows lots of people through school
lots of out of school activities over many years
never really anyone’s best friend
always on the periphery
at times hostility / meanness towards her
active excluding of her at times
she’s often lamented that shes the problem
and in distress asked why do people not like her
for many years i would say keep trying, you will find your people …
year 10 now and it hasn’t happened
shes started therapy now
I hope it helps
I don’t know where I went wrong
but I feel such a failure for not being able to resolve this for her
I don’t what I am asking from you
ive read so much regarding mental health / interpersonal functioning / teens
I think I’ve just hit the point where I am aware of how problematic it is, and realisation of how utterly powerless I am to help her resolve this
sorry I’m emotionally splurging and just reaching out

I'm sorry to hear that she is having such a hard time. It's tough being a teen without friends.

You say that she has trouble maintaining friendships. Can you describe what goes wrong, exactly?

I think teenagers are pretty rubbish at friendships. Mine seemed hardly capable or arranging anything at all and solely communicated via their phones despite all living quite close together. I discovered fairly recently that my dd and her friends all walked to school by themselves as they couldn't coordinate a plan. It blew my mind.

Does she do stuff out of school? I found that helped. It doesn't have to be sport of she doesn't like sporty stuff.

Actually, I think some teenagers are actually very good at managing and maintaining friendships, and they invest a huge amount of time, thought and effort in doing so. I think this can make it much harder for the ones who haven't yet acquired these skills, which is why it is important for the OP and her dd to try to unpick where things are going wrong.

Not saying that it is the OP's dd's fault at all - I struggled a bit with teen friendships myself and it was awful - but there is a clear pattern emerging which suggests that it might not simply be down to bad luck. Not saying this to be a bitch, but out of a genuine desire to help. If the same thing keeps happening, it makes sense to reflect on whether the dd may be doing something (or not doing something) which somehow contributes to this.

She’s an only - not by choice
had friends, no problems in nursery and through infants
never had a best friend in infants
but was part of groups
invited out alot
no problems
Juniors mostly fine,
end of juniors fell out with the girl who had become a best friend for a few years,
year 6 was in a friendship group that had floated together when the classes where mixed up
DD feeling vulnerable wantIng to be liked
sensitive to any perceived criticism or being excluded
one of the group was challenging behaviours
volatile
DD would react distressed to this girls behaviours
others were more robust and coped
DD wanted to avoid school
girl threatened to harm / kill my DD
DD said she wanted to die it was so awful
school were supportive but said DD too sensitive needed to weather it better
Year 7
found a new friendship group
covid lockdowns
highly disjointed contact with others
Lonely and sad
year 9 finally out of all the lockdowns
friendships superficial
one close friend who would blow hot / cold with no apparent reason
DD always on edge - are they friends ?
eventaully DD decides this is too stressful
moves to an established friendship group
always feels periphery
dd easily upset, sensitive to feeling excluded
eventually leaves this friendship group and hops into another established group -year 10
same thing
on periphery
gets more paranoid / anxious / distressed
avoidant / alienates herself
more upset that she’s isolated

Has been highly involved in out of school activities since infants to date
same issue at these activities
feels periphery
no one’s first Choice
sensituve to any indication she is being excluded
then becomes upset / self critical / wants
to avoid
i get her though most times
she alienates herself by not wanting to be there because she doesn’t feel she fits in,
definitely a repeating pattern
thank you

A lot of this is similar to my dd. She was diagnosed with Autism at 15.

With kindness - at some point you need to consider it's possibly something she is doing - not what every other person is doing. She needs help working out where she is going wrong with friendships to help her in the long run. Cruel to be kind stuff. I know some people on here think I'm too harsh, but my kids are thriving, so maybe I'm not, but I remember dd1 saying to me in primary school that no one wanted to play with her, so I watched her the next morning and I wasn't remotely surprised - bossy, taking over the game, her ideas only - I told her so and she changed her behaviour.

"Literally my heart os breaking", FFS.

Maybe tone down your emotional splurging and drama? Then perhaps she'd follow suit, be more relaxed and regulated, less "easily upset", "sensitive and vulnerable".

Thank you for responding, OP. It sounds like she is very sensitive to any perceived slight or rejection. FWIW, I was a bit that way myself as a teen, but it is not a helpful way to be at all. She needs to learn not to take everything personally. Counselling or CBT might help?

She is probably coming across to her friends as being very insecure/needy and perhaps a bit too much like hard work? Alternatively, if she is withdrawing at the first hint of feeling excluded, she may be giving off vibes that she doesn't really like people or want to spend time with them?

It's a very tough nut to crack and might take years of working on herself to get over this, but the first step is for her to recognise that she herself is creating this pattern. Not in the sense of thinking that she is unlikeable or anything like that, but she needs to recognise that she is essentially pushing people away evert time she starts to build new friendships. She needs to find different strategies for dealing with it when she starts to feel like people are excluding her or whatever. If she keeps doing the same thing that she has always done, she will keep getting what she has always got. Tough but true.

Can you brainstorm different ways in which she could react when she starts to see things going wrong?

I am very fortunate in that my dd (also an only, not by choice, so don't beat yourself up about that bit!) has always been a natural when it comes to friendships. It looks totally effortless to her, but I have learned a lot from watching her over the years and she does actually put the work in to maintain and build relationships - it doesn't just happen by accident.

I think that's harsh and quite unfair tbh. It is horrible to see your child unhappy.

OP, I feel your pain! I struggled as a child but became a lot more confident once I went to university. I found I could "reinvent" myself in the new environment and "act" more confident.

Ciujd your daughter benefit from a change of schools, do you think? I know it's a big thing and maybe not a good idea. But if she's really miserable, it might be worth a try 🙂.

The way you are writing about this situation is very dramatic. It's actually quite hard to follow too.

She's had friends, one of them was volatile and your dd couldn't be doing with it. Then she had another friendship group but they were a bit rubbish about doing stuff and she didn't know where she was with them so she moved on two more times.

So four groups and she still hasn't found her people as they say.

Or at least she feels on the periphery. Which she probably is as she's in and out whereas the others have established relationships. She shouldn't expect to be as close to the people in group four as they are too each other as they will have more shared history.

There is no perfect friend or perfect group. Like all relationships they take time and effort.

Thanks so much for replies
she is definitely aware that it is something to do with her, not others
I’ve not wanted to believe that, but have to conclude the same
I am big on emotion regulation skills
cognitive restructuring
spotting dysfunctional thinking styles
so I am aware of managing mine and coaching her with this
i don’t emotionally splurge or role model poor regulation skills at home
ive been writing all thoughts
and feelings
anout this down for some time and managing this,
im splurging here, with some curiosity about others experiences / thoughts
I’m trying to make some
sense of it all, as we head into a summer holiday with no firm plans to meet any friends,
and anxiety about what year 11 will bring …..

I have thought about moving schools, but she has 1 more year, and this problem goed
with her in every setting so I don’t think the disruption of a new school is the answer

Secondary school is a bit rubbish for friendships, I've found. Both my teen girls struggled to really find their people up to year 11, hung out with this group and that, but never truly in the centre of it or having certainty about them. That ok, school isn't all about friendships, encourage your dd to see the point of school as doing well in her subjects, exams, taking part in extra-curricular, make sure her life is interesting out of school (coffee together, events, holidays) and as a family.

Both mine have gone on to find much better friends after age 16 at college/6th form, they seem to know now who they will gel with and be able to keep in groups, initiate going out and talk more, so it's not necessarily a disaster if it hasn't all happened at secondary. I was the same, and I have a lot of friends as an adult, not so many as a child.

Of course there may be something underlying all this, but the main message for me would be the opposite of what people are saying here: you are just fine, you are a great, lovely, friendly interesting person and your time will come. It's hard to practice social skills in the average comp, it gets much better as you age.

I wouldn't move her now either. Especially as it sounds like she's not excluded, just not as included as she might like to be.

One of mine is not very proactive in her relationships. I try to subtly push her into arranging things. For example tell her to ask a friend if she will go jeans shopping with her as she needs jeans and it would be better to go with a friend than with me.

I once said I had to go to a tile shop that was on an industrial estate next to the roller rink so why didn't she ask her friends if they wanted to go skating and I could drop them off.

I also don't think moving schools is the answer, because if the same pattern repeats itself in a different setting, it will just reinforce the perception that she is somehow not "friend" material.

It's great that she recognises that it is something to do with her. The next step is to help her understand that this doesn't mean that she is fundamentally unlikeable but that she might just need to tweak some aspects of how she interacts with other people to avoid the same pattern repeating.

Can she unpick some previous examples and identify where things started to go wrong. Think about how she felt and acted in those situations. Then think about how her behaviour and reactions might have been interpreted by her friends. Then think about how she could have responded differently?

If she is feeling really brave, is there anyone kind in school who she could ask for feedback about how she comes across? My dd was approached by another girl who was struggling with friendships and she did her very best to help the girl understand how her behaviours were being perceived by the other kids. I appreciate that this might be way beyond what your dd feels comfortable doing, though...no way that I would have dared to show that much vulnerability as a teenager, but dd really wanted to help when asked and it did seem to really help the girl in question!

Thank you, I’m reading !!
getting some great advise here !!

I think this is a helpful post, And OP, I think you should also think about what a pp said about the way you seem to be taking this so much to heart. Obviously, it's difficult when your child is unhappy, but it certainly won't help her to think that her mother is as upset about her lack of friends as she is.

Do you struggle with friendships, OP? What kind of friend relationships and attitude to friendships do you model?

she feels on the periphery. Which she probably is as she's in and out whereas the others have established relationships. She shouldn't expect to be as close to the people in group four as they are too each other as they will have more shared history.

There is no perfect friend or perfect group. Like all relationships they take time and effort.

I think this is the crux of it, really.

Does your DD want to be included as a first-choice person but doesn’t proactively try to deepen the friendships, just waits for them to come to her and then is hurt when they don’t? I tell my teens they have to put themselves out there a bit - suggest a shopping trip not wait to be invited, send a text not wait to be texted, and so on.

Lockdown was pretty catastrophic for some teens. It’s not hopeless for her - what is she interested in or passionate about? It’s one more year of school then it’s sixth form or college, a new start.

I also agree with this. She needs to have her confidence boosted- she needs to hear “it’s not you”. Unless you can identify ways in which it is her and can help her with strategies, concentrate instead on bolstering her sense of self-worth.

I agree with all the posters and even look at what she is doing but I wanted to add my own experience here.

The only child can sometimes feel like this because they don’t get the chance to learn resilience and sibling dynamics. I had an ‘only child’ until he was 10, and there was a lot of feeling left out of groups where other kids would fit into groups quite easily. It can have its upsides too. They are probably more sensitive, intelligent and perhaps kinder - maybe your dd is an introvert? There’s a few good books about the power of introverts, and one great book I read on only children that helped me understand areas that are more challenging.
Quiet. By Susie Cain.
One and Only by Lauren Sandler.

She probably has to find her own rhythm and confidence in something she enjoys doing - (that can be done alone sometimes ) eg. swimming, music, reading - that would also help her to realise her own company is also brilliant. My DS turned out to have tons of friends as he found his own ‘fun’.

If it helps I hadn't made my best friend until I was your daughters age. We met and became good friends in year 10. I too had always been the not exactly unpopular but kind of periphery kid. She's still my best friend now, 25yrs later.

Are you really claiming that only children are probably more intelligent? - come on!

This is definitely worth considering. Teaching social skills is so important for long term adult relationships. My now adult daughter has struggled with this over the years and she likely has ASD. This is where we feel we have made the most impact in helping her.

It sounds like she is quite oversensitive to “rejection” but possibly (being a teen) quite generous in her definition of what rejection is. She reminds me of a couple of friends who sort of stand around and then get upset that they don’t make friends/get chatted up (depending on situation) not noticing that other people have made a different kind of/more effort.

Maybe with the counsellor she can work on being happier in the friendships she has got and not taking too much offence at perceived slights as that’s (rightly or wrongly) what I’m reading into your posts. No friendship is perfect and even as an adult you’ve sometimes got to have a word with yourself if a friend is (for example) doing something with a group of other people and leaving you out for perfectly legitimate reasons. It’s a good life skill. Also falling out and then talking it out/apologising/forgiving are all essential for lasting relationships.