My heart breaks for my DD’s Long standing friendship difficulties

[shmiz]

This literally breaks my heart
it’s like a physical pain
i hate to think she feels this pain too
i hate that she hates herself for this
15yr DD
difficulty maintaining friendships has been a constant theme
knows lots of people through school
lots of out of school activities over many years
never really anyone’s best friend
always on the periphery
at times hostility / meanness towards her
active excluding of her at times
she’s often lamented that shes the problem
and in distress asked why do people not like her
for many years i would say keep trying, you will find your people …
year 10 now and it hasn’t happened
shes started therapy now
I hope it helps
I don’t know where I went wrong
but I feel such a failure for not being able to resolve this for her
I don’t what I am asking from you
ive read so much regarding mental health / interpersonal functioning / teens
I think I’ve just hit the point where I am aware of how problematic it is, and realisation of how utterly powerless I am to help her resolve this
sorry I’m emotionally splurging and just reaching out

The search for a BFF is doing her more harm than good, where has she got this idea of how friendships should be? It's back to front, she isn't going to nail down a BFF and everything fall into place, she's going to take steps to improve the relationships she has and it will result in close friends.

I'd switch the focus onto what she is bringing to other people, rather than what she's getting from them. Does she share interests with any of the group? Encourage her to give compliments and notice when other people are left out. She needs to suggest meeting up and doing things but (this is important) not in a vague way that leaves all the actual decisions to other people. There are endless posts on here where adults throw out a "let's get together some time" and then feel rejected. That might feel like a tentative friendly overture to the sender, but is really a big chunk of obligation to the recipient. She needs to say "is anyone free on Monday, let's go to this film/roller disco/bowling...."

The periphery is not a bad place to be - it's a group happy to be around her who will likely respond well if she starts being friendlier.

Choose a college where she can shrug off all the history of secondary school. Has she done DofE? Maybe get a job in McDonalds or similar meet different people that way. Loads of 16 year olds work in fast food places.