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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Help with my 14yr so

45 replies

Jozn · 02/07/2023 19:04

My son is refusing to unpack from school trip. Refuses to leave his room. Bag left in bedroom, he’s been told he gets his phone when his job is done. He’s now emptied his wardrobe into his bedroom floor. It’s been all weekend now. Saying he’s not going school school tomorrow. It’s not the first issue we have had. He runs off, come back. Is rude. Don’t know where to turn. So please can I ask, what help is available? If there somewhere that can give me advice? I don’t think the school is the answer.

OP posts:
HappiDaze · 02/07/2023 19:12

Clearly he's upset about something

Give him his phone and his space

You sound a bit urm controlling

Just leave him be

Popfan · 02/07/2023 19:58

My first thought would be something has happened on the school trip which has really upset him?

Original poster
Jozn · 02/07/2023 20:04

He was fine when we picked him up and that evening. So don’t think it’s that, but thanks for the suggestion.
he just doesn’t want to do anything we ask him to, even just having tea.

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Dacadactyl · 02/07/2023 20:17

I wouldn't be giving him his phone back til he did what was asked of him.

He'd be going to school tomorrow (or WiFi would be turned off and all electronics would be under lock and key) but if he's dumped his uniform on the floor then I wouldn't be ironing it again.

Polik · 02/07/2023 20:24

Was it a residential trip?

My first thought is he's knackered

Original poster
Jozn · 02/07/2023 20:28

It was residential, he had 12 hours sleep yesterday but yea could still be tired.

We have decided he won’t get his phone back till he unpacks from his trip and puts His clothes back. Will be an interesting morning getting him to school. But he’s going and if not the school will be told the truth.

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Fudgewomble · 02/07/2023 20:30

My 14 yo son hasn’t unpacked from his residential either. he’s beyond shattered. We’re giving him a wide berth and l’ve laid out his uniform for tomorrow.

Original poster
Jozn · 02/07/2023 20:36

I have hung up his school clothes out of the pile on his floor, so they are ready. He refused to look at school bag to put his books in it, I can’t do that for him as don’t know what ones are needed. He’s had from Saturday morning to himself.

OP posts:
Polik · 02/07/2023 20:37

It all sounds a bit uncaring to me. He's come home absolutely exhausted and just doesn't want to do anything because he's so tired.

He's got hassled about unpacking and reacted in temper (with the wardrobe). Who's on his side? Who's bribg empathetic and upstanding how he's feeling?

Have you never felt do wiped-out that you can't do stuff? Illness maybe, or just yotal exhaustion? I know I have. I'm glad I was allowed to give myself a break. I'm a grown adult, not a kid.

If it was my son, I'd unpack his bag for him. Sort uniform. Feed him nourishing stuff and let him rest.

The drama and stress you're creating isn't helping imo. Talk about the behaviour next week. For now, just solve the issues for him and let him be taken care of.

DelilahBucket · 02/07/2023 20:41

If my teen is tired it always takes him at least two nights of good sleep to get back in track, and that is just after one night of poor sleep. Go be sympathetic and empathetic with him, tell him you understand he's tired and that's fine. Give him a hug if he wants one. He's still a child who needs love. Think of toddler tantrums, teen tantrums are very much the same. They are overwhelmed and don't know how to deal with their emotions. Even at 14 they can't always tell you how they feel with words.

BurbageBrook · 02/07/2023 20:43

Great advice here from PPs. I think he needs a bit of kindness here rather than conflict/sanctions.

Dacadactyl · 02/07/2023 20:49

All the posts advocating the nicey nice approach are right IF this behaviour has only come to pass after the residential. If he's usually lovely then yeah, cut him some slack.

But if he's usually a PITA then I'd take his phone etc.

lemonsaretheonlyfruit · 02/07/2023 20:52

@Jozn

You say you have had a few problems. Could this be a part of something bigger picture? I would say that the Young Minds website is a good starting point. How do other behaviours manifest themselves?

Original poster
Jozn · 02/07/2023 20:58

Thanks. Your replies have helped me look at his side of things. I tried to say good night to him just now but he’s not ready yet. I will t try and keep it calm and be more - I guess kind.

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mumofthemonsters808 · 02/07/2023 21:03

Sometimes it’s easier for them to be uncooperative and awful than it is to just tell you what the issue is.My 13 year old behaves like this at times, I just leave him be & he’s different again the next day.However, I’ve never experienced him refusing school.I reckon he’s still knackered, see how he is tomorrow and work from there.Leave the case he”ll soon need something out of it.

redskytwonight · 02/07/2023 21:14

I reckon knackered too. Why does he have to unpack to a timetable as opposed to when he wants something? It feels that you are having a battle over something that didn't need one.

Original poster
Jozn · 02/07/2023 21:19

Thanks. I will take a look at that website.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jozn · 02/07/2023 21:22

His wash bag etc is in the bag along with leftover food bits. So he needs his brace bits. But yeah the rest could wait. But he’s not done his school bag either.

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Anoooshka · 02/07/2023 21:26

My 14-year-old took a week to unpack his bag from scout camp, even though I reminded him every day. He was exhausted when he got home and then developed a nasty cold. I found with my DS that nagging only gets me so far. He's pretty good about going to school and getting his homework done, so I let some other things slide.

But if your DS is refusing to go to school, maybe something happened on the trip. Kids this age get embarrassed really easily. I can usually get my DS to engage with me by talking about the funny things our cats have done while he's been away (no good if you don't have pets). Or I offer to cook him his favourite dinner. He seems to require lots of alone time, so I try and give him as much space as he needs.

Polik · 02/07/2023 21:51

When I go on brownie pack holiday (as a leader), as I come home DH runs me a bath and unpacks for me. Because I'm beyond exhausted and can't face giving thought to anything.

Thats just a kind, nice and caring thing to do when someone is struggling.

100yellowroses · 02/07/2023 21:59

Let him have the day off on the agreement he tidies his room Monday and goes back Tuesday. He’s exhausted. He needs a relaxing bath, some comforting food and a nice film.

HappiDaze · 02/07/2023 22:47

You sound very uncaring as per other PP

Most DM would swoop up his bag and sort it out to wash etc

I'd have washed and dried all his clothes by now

I'm baffled that you're expecting him to hang up and wear dirty clothes

Something is not right here at all

Plus on top of everything you've taken his phone ?!?

Your behaviour as a parent is not how most parents would behave at all

Is this coming from you, your DH ?!??

Do you all get punished instead of getting big hugs and live on your return from a trip

I feel for your son he must be really unhappy with the lack of love in your home

HappiDaze · 02/07/2023 22:50

And he prob

Devastateddaughter · 02/07/2023 22:51

Pick your battles op , learn what's truly important and what's not.

Original poster
Jozn · 03/07/2023 06:40

I had taken his dirty clothes out of bag and washed and ironed them. It was the other stuff left for him to do. He took all his clothes having up in his wardrobe and put them on the floor. He had 12 hours sleep. Yes maybe he’s tired. You seem to be quick to judge.

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