Help with my 14yr so

[Jozn]

My son is refusing to unpack from school trip. Refuses to leave his room. Bag left in bedroom, he’s been told he gets his phone when his job is done. He’s now emptied his wardrobe into his bedroom floor. It’s been all weekend now. Saying he’s not going school school tomorrow. It’s not the first issue we have had. He runs off, come back. Is rude. Don’t know where to turn. So please can I ask, what help is available? If there somewhere that can give me advice? I don’t think the school is the answer.

My DC are always off on camps, I always unpack and wash everything while they get into bed and aren't seen til the next day.

I suspect he needs to feel more loved, welcomed, enjoyed, in your family. Ramp up the neutrality (ignore what bothers you, praise what's good). Decide what really matters to you - say five things that are non negotiable. That have a real reason for mattering, not just things that are power plays or dominance. So for eg
Sitting with family to eat dinner (but he doesn't have to talk, be nice, or say thank you). No tech after 10 on a school night (but whatever he likes on fri sat night). Uniform hung up - other clothes who cares.

I suspect you are swinging between treating him like a child (no phone! Bad boy!) and expecting him to be more "adult" than he is yet.
Good luck. Teenagers are so very challenging it's hard to remember they are struggling emotional messes!

God, I'd just go in there and unpack alongside him tbh. Good opportunity to chat about the trip and make sure he's happy

Don't set teenagers up to fail. It's very easy to do so but its far more conducive to ongoing good relations to pick battles wisely

Thanks for your reply, I will follow your advice, he’s gone school and we said we would clear up together after school.

So he took his phone to school. Went gym afterwards. And has now refused to put his clothes back in his wardrobe cos ‘not going to”. I don’t know how to do this. Oh and per him he’s not going school tomorrow with lots of anger. I am trying to be calm and kind. But I am very upset.

OK take a step back. Why do his clothes have to be put in his wardrobe?
It's not that uncommon for teenagers to have a "floordrobe". They are his clothes. If he wants them to live on the floor, then let him get on with it.

I also suspect you've got to the point where he can't put his clothes away without losing face. If you tell him you've realised he's perfectly right, they are his clothes and he can do what he wants with them, he might actually be more pre-disposed to put them away.

Some of this rebellion is him fighting against what he sees as arbitrary rules. That's why you should pick your battles with teens.

I'm having similar issues with DS.
I've tried being reasonable, helpful and kind. All this has achieved is ds trying to manipulate me so I've decided I'm going to try to nicely disengage.

Would you mind sharing how you nicely disengage? Ta

Thanks. That’s helpful.

And has now refused to put his clothes back in his wardrobe cos ‘not going to”. I don’t know how to do this.

The clothes being on the floor matters to you, not him.

So either
(a) Tidy the clothes away, because that's what you want
(b) don't battle, just accept.

Personally, if this was me I'd tidy/hang the clothes up. Because I'd recognise that the anger that caused the teenage tantrum was partly my fault. And because being tidy matters more to me than to him. And finally, because my son is generally a good kid and deserves some care and being looked after.

It's your genetics and your environment that's making this young man. Let his clothes lie on the floor. Only you care. Let it go. Show him some love ffs

You quietly disengage by using natural consequences.

If clothes aren't put in the wash basket - they don't get washed.

If clothes are in the floor - they made be screwed up when he wants to wear them. Make sure he knows where the iron is!

He doesn't do his fair share around the house - you have extra housework and therefore no time to run him here there and everywhere.

Don't battle with him. Just allow him to learn for himself.

But there's no way I'd be doing unpacking etc for my ds after camps etc. I do t force him to do it straight away and will help him if he asks but I just give him time to sort it when he's ready.

With teens the rule can't be "because I say so" (or it shouldn't be unless you are an authoritarian type parent which has its own difficulties).

So why do you want him to hang his clothes up?

if it's just because you think clothes belong in the wardrobe, then that's just your view - he is free to have a different one.

If it's because you don't want the clothes to get dirty and creased, then that's nothing to do with you. If he wants to wear them dirty and creased them let him get on with it. If he doesn't like the fact that they are dirty and creased now, then he is free to make use of the washing machine and iron . His choices have natural consequences but, where they don't actually impact you, you don't have to impose anything.

“Hey. We missed you while you’re away. Hope you had a good time. I’d love to hear about the residential when you’re less tired. I know the unpacking the bag had caused us both lots if stress. It’s something that’s really important to me, but it would have been better for everyone if I’d let you you do it on your own time. Love you. It’s good to have you back.”

But that’s just me - I know my approach is v different to others’. There’s no right or wrong I guess, but I can’t imagine playing this any other way.

So he went to school today - i think he deserves credit for that.

Teenagers are v hard work. It’s really not the worst thing in the world.

calm things down and go in there when he’s calm and start doing his clothes. He’s tired, maybe something’s upset him, he’s a teenager etc etc.

it is annoying but he hasn’t done anything that bad.

My son used to go on activities when he was a little younger.

On the day he'd get back we'd have a meal ready, all sit down and eat. He'd then shower and go get some rest.

It'd be the following day that he'd get reminded that I need the washing from his trip and the rest needs putting up.

Turning to how he treats his room. I used to tie myself in knots trying to keep my teens rooms spotless. It was a constant battle. I realised it was a battle I didn't need to have. Their rooms are their space. They bring down dirty clothes, rubbish and washing up daily. The rest is how they choose to have it. It's their space and I don't have to spend time in the room. Eventually the penny drops and they start to keep their space neater and tidier.

For me the only thing I'd be standing firm on is school attendance. My daughter is a school refuser. It's going to be so detrimental to her future. Once they start missing days of school it becomes overwhelming when they go back and trying to catch up.

Reassure your boy that he can talk to you and go from there

I know its hard but I second this. Behaviour can't change when everyone is angry. Help him with his room etc and when it's calmed down in a few days, explain how upsetting it is when he doesn't do what is expected of him and maybe you can work on changing things. It's so frustrating though, so I understand.

This sounds like it has become a battle of wills and no-one is going to win. Can you sit down calmly and acknowledge the situation is not good, try to understand what he is thinking and find a way to negotiate an agreement that works for you both. Taking a phone away is a punishment and not necessarily the best consequence. How does taking it away make him change his behaviour? It does not seem to have worked its probably made him more angry and more wilful to ignore you.

By nicely disengaging I mean, for example, smiling when/if he enters the room and being open to chatting but not imitating the conversation.
No mention at all about the clothes/room/bag. Take the view it will get sorted another time.
If clothes creased then it's not your problem it's his. He needs to come to the conclusion that he will have to sort it himself or ask you for help and realize he needs to take some responsibility as you have taken a step back.
Act cool.

By 14 I'd pretty much stopped going into DC'S rooms. Their rooms were their space and if they wanted to live in a tip that was up to them.

It was also their choice if they wanted clean clothes or not. Clothes that were in the basket got washed and then put on their beds. I didn't go searching.

The consequences of no clean school shirts only happened a couple of times. And they tidied their rooms when friends came over.

Is there anything in his trip bag that is yours? If not, leave it be. If it is rancid next time he needs it, it is his problem.