We never agree on how to discipline our son

[Mangojuice99]

Please tell me who is right or wrong in this situation. If me I will accept that and learn from it.
Our son is 12 , he has adhd and is very impulsive. His behavior has improved so much as he's grown and now he's just a bit loud, and needs constant reminders of things and help with organising school bag /uniform etc.
He does things sometimes over and over again despite being told not to. Its like he's never been told about it, such as not putting uniform away, not putting shoes and coat away. Has to be told every day.
We have a vase on our table that he keeps dragging over to him and using it to lean his phone up against whilst sitting in there. Husband has told him not to probably every day for 12 months. Incase it scratches the table. I understand this altho it never has. I moved the vase so son couldn't do it and husband put it back and said he needs to learn to stop doing it. Of course he did it again that night.
He is due to go out with friends tomorrow for a birthday celebration that's already booked and paid for by the parents and lifts have been arranged etc. Husband says he's not allowing him to go because of the disobedience over the vase.
I told him that whilst I acknowledge the issue and agree that there should be a consequence, I don't believe stopping him from attending is the right thing to do. It's messing the other parents around and it's very short notice.
He still kept insisting and I said I am not going to be the one to tell the parents , he will have to. Needless to say 2 days have passed and he hasn't contacted the parents. Son has just come to say goodnight and asked what time he needs to be up for the outing tomorrow and husband has gone up the wall.
Me and him have now had a blazing round and he's gone in the spare room. He says I never back him up and make too many allowances for our son and I let him walk all over me. I think this is all a massive over reaction to a vase given sons adhd .
Son is going to go tomorrow, but me and husband now won't speak at all tomorrow and probably for a few days so going to be a horrible atmosphere.
This has happened so many times and on top of some other issues I've actually considered separating from him to allow my son some breathing space. Who is right or wrong here?

The “you never support me” group are all the same. Create a ridiculous punishment in temper; try to make it some one else’s responsibility and then straight to cry bully if someone says no.

your husband is a shit Dad, and a bully. He behaves in a way that you have to hide from other people.
I’m not going to say leave him- but I can certainly see why you would think hard about it.

I'm a very strict person and I'd be very annoyed if I repeatedly told someone not to do something abd they still kept doing it - obviously with the proviso that that person is,capable of learning something. Can your son? Does he remember those things that are,advantageous,to him to remember?
Even so, I wouldn't stop them going for this, mainly because it's bern going on for so long. It's just overkill. And actually sounds pretty and vindictive.
But if you're staying together (no comment if you should ir shouldn't), you really do need to work out rules and boundaries to behaviour that you can both get on board with. Because, regardless of - or maybe in addition to, your son's condition, as he gets older, he's going to push boundaries anyway and there's got to be some consequences in his life.

I’d say your husband is being totally unreasonable, needlessly controlling, and a bit of a prick. Disclaimer , I have just walked out of a marriage of twenty years for very similar reasons. (‘You never back me up’ on what I considered futile and unkind discipline of a child with similar issues).
According to my (ex) husband, everyone he knows agrees he’s in the right. Except he isn’t , but I’m interested to hear other peoples opinions on your post OP.

@ThePM yes that sums it up , so true.

I understand where he is coming from, thr table cost him £1000 and he doesn't want it to be scratched. I get that totally and i get that it's frustrating to see him continuing to do it.
But he makes no allowances for his adhd at all, he told me during the argument he doesn't even think that he has adhd
Now I'm not making excuses for my son. He can be very frustrating and we've had tough times with him over the years.
But on the whole he is a good child. He is adored by all family members and friends and their parents. We get comments all the time from them and even his teachers about what a wonderful personality he has etc. He has never been naughty or done anything bad to anyone in his whole life.
His only issue is he sings too loud, talks to loud, wears his emotions on his sleeve and is very forgetful. He is the most loving son to me and so open, he tells me absolutely everything.
Husband does not allow him an inch and I admit that I have ended up being too soft with him because I feel sorry for him.

Your son has ADHD. Expecting him to behave as if he doesn't is unreasonable.
I read your post and wondered why your husband is making such a mountain out of a molehill. I also wonder why someone doesn't just put the stupid vase somewhere else... you're setting your son up to fail.

Also, you can get great little bean bag phone holders, as a practical solution (which won’t solve the problem of the husband)

Op is your dh actually father of your son? Or stepfather?

The punishment needs to fit the crime. Moving A vase on a fucking table isn't a crime befitting this punishment. Your dh sounds mean and cruel. I wouldn't give a hit about how much the table costs. This is a 12 year old with adhd. Your dh needs to get his big man ego validation from somewhere else.

This is distressing to read, OP.

Your son is likely to have a developmental age at least a couple of years younger than his NT peers and will have poor executive function, impacting upon his ability to follow instructions and self-monitor his own behaviour. Vindictive and disproportionate punishment of a child who lacks the development capacity to behave in more adaptive ways is likely to result in trauma.

Suggest you a) remove the vase and b) remove the aggressive adult.

Why did the table cost him £1000 and not both of you, if you’re married? Or does he control furnishings and finances aswell as his child and you?

I've moved the vase and husband has moved it back . I've bought son a stand for his phone so hopefully that is now a solution
Husband is saying its not really the vase moving that is the issue, its that he has had to tell him about it every day for a year and he's still doing it. He sees this as son disrespecting him, not listening to him and showing no respect for our home or furniture.
He also says he only learns through consequences which is true, but I don't think letting other people down by him not attending the outing is the right consequence to give him.

We have a vase on our table that he keeps dragging over to him and using it to lean his phone up against whilst sitting in there. Husband has told him not to probably every day for 12 months

This sounds unbearable for everyone. Why on earth hasn't someone done something to stop it happening. Put something under the lamp so it doesn't scratched the table, get a stand for the phone, move the ruddy lamp!!!! How have you let this happen for a year and why has it blown up today?

You need to look at ways for your son to learn what is acceptable without constantly having to tell him to do things. He isn't learning and he isn't listening.

Maybe let him forget things for school and face the consequences, maybe quietly refuse to give him a lift until he has all his things. ( obviously depends on his ADHD ) Does you son get any support for his ADHD. Is there anyone who works with him who can give advice to you.
Another thing to consider would be starting to ignore some of the less annoying things he does. Can you let him leave his uniform on the floor for a while? Perhaps concentrating on the major things might help him focus.

You and your husband not speaking for the next few days is truly awful. It's a really nasty thing for your child to have to deal with. Is the 'not speaking' both of your choice or just your husbands?

He's (dh) immature and lacks emotional depth and intelligence behaving this way, expecting the adhd 12 year old to behave like a soldier under his charge. Pettiness and stupid stubbornness in not allowing vase to move. Does dh have no other hobbies in the world to be so worked up by this ?

Repeating question just to make sure. Is your son actually dh son? Just that I'd seen/heard sooo many of these types of pettiness occurring with step "dads" and this would give it context...

Take the vase off the table and find it another home! Remove the source of the argument.

I’d rather have a less stylish home than have the same argument over something so petty on a regular basis.

As regard to your original question, DH is being unreasonable. The punishment is disproportionate to the ‘crime’. However, in this scenario, I’d speak to DH out of earshot of DS, tell him I thought he’d been harsh and encourage him to go to DS and explain that he’d had a rethink etc. so it doesn’t appear that you are the ‘good guy’ who always saves the day. It also models good, reasonable behaviour for your son. Sometimes we over react to small things, we think for a bit and then apologies/adjust.

My dd is also 12 and has adhd and dyslexia. She is just at the end of her first year at secondary. She is forgetful, and needs constant reminding and structure at home to keep her on track. She has done fantastically well adjusting to secondary school and the sheer amount of homework she now has! Because I know how tiring her school days are I build in downtime at home.

The issue with the lamp is a nonissue really it could be easily solved by putting a placemat underneath it. Your DH isn’t very nice.

People telling me to move the vase , I have multiple times. Husband purposely puts it back and tells me not to do it , he wants our son to stop doing it himself with no help from us.
Yes it is his son. He cannot relate to him at all. They are so different to each other

I am slowly stepping back from things, he has adjusted very well to high school and sorts his own books out , homework etc. Just needs gentle prompting.
All of this prompting comes from me, husband does not do it at all and wouldn't . He says I mother him too much.
Our son is very independent in other ways, plays out with friends after school etc and comes back on time etc
But he is spending more and more time out of the house because of his dad who he feels is on his back all the time .
Granted our son does not take accountability for things easily and he finds it difficult to apologise. He also likes to argue back so as soon as he gives his dad any cheek or anything like that then his dad becomes very frustrated

The first post has it.

Yet another punative, vindictive and rigid patriarchal head of the family who needs everyone to bend their knee to him.

I think the vase needs to have an "accident"

Moving the vase is surely just a reasonable adjustment to support your son. Seems ridiculous to me, currently he is just being set up to fail. I’m all for supporting children to manage in society, school etc but why putting him in this situation you know he will ‘fail’ everyday isn’t fair ( I know the OP can see this, just baffled why her DH can’t)

I think that it looks on the surface to be a petty issue, however it’s really about control. Your DH has repeatedly asked your DS to not do something that can have a financial impact - presumably if the expensive table gets scratched it is devalued - and your DS has ignored his DH. It’s become a viscous circle. Yes, DHs solution of stopping this outing is completely OTT, but he is frustrated that DS repeatedly ignores him, and feels you don’t back him up. Now he’s going on the outing in effect he’s learned that his DFs feelings are irrelevant.
I suggest that you and DH sit down together whilst DS is out of the house and be very honest with each other, plus you need to decide what needs to be picked up on and what can be ignored in regards to DSs behaviour. For sample, if it’s important that he looks after his uniform / clothes, then make it abundantly clear to DS.
Having a diagnosis of ADHD isn’t a get out of jail free card. Your DS needs to learn strategies to manage his condition so that he can organise his life accordingly. There are at least 3 people who live in your house. Everyone’s feelings should matter.

It's not really about 'adult feelings' though is it? We do not have three neurotypical adults sharing a house, arriving at a compromise about domestic arrangements.

OP has an inherently vulnerable disabled young person, who by definition, lacks the developmental capacity to lots of every day things involving executive function that his non-disabled peers are able to do. Impairments to exec function often impede the ability to follow instructions, monitor and control one's own impulses and organise one's self.

There is no point saying 'well he'll just have to learn', if his cognitive abilities haven't yet developed to the extent he has this capacity (100% to be expected wit this diagnosis). Wishing it were so, and demanding that he does behave as though he wasn't cognitively impaired in this respect is grossly unfair, and will damage his self esteem, personal confidence and potentially relationships of trust with his adults.

Is he under a Consultant Paed for meds, OP? Perhaps discuss expectations at your next review.

If Adults have control issues, and can't accept the implications of their child's disability, and adjust their expectations accordingly, I'd be thinking very seriously about living arrangements.

And I'd quite like a quid for each time someone pops up on a thread like this and says, 'OP, your child needs to learn to behave. If you would just get your DC to behave as though they weren't disabled, you wouldn't have this problem'.

Implication being that both mother and child are to blame, and that because I can make my (non-disabled) children behave in this way, so should you, because their disability is 'upsetting' other (non-disabled) people.

Your DH wants your son to learn actions have consequences? Sounds like DH needs to learn inaction has consequences.

Other posters have weighed in on the punishment/control aspect so nothing to add there, but you told him to contact the parents and he didn't. His way of you putting on a united front appears to be him deciding the punishment and you actioning it, which is unacceptable.

If DH is not prepared to go to the effort of dealing with the consequences of his decisions, then you are entirely right to do as you see fit.

Your husband is just horrible. Ugh.

Neither of you have thought to buy a stand for the phone is a year? Seriously??????

You're right that it's a ridiculous over reaction to the vase but your dh is right that your ds should have stopped doing it when told not to.

You were right to have moved it and he was stupid to return it to make a point.

Just buy the boy a stand for his phone, move the vase and make him earn the screen time by putting his uniform away etc daily.

It's easy - you laminate a list of things he needs to do. He ticks them off - when done he gets the things that are probably distracting his mind from following the routines in the first place.

I get the use my ds I'd ND with severe problems with executive function despite a high IQ. I just set him up to achieve rather than fail - but still have strict boundaries and do give consequences for them.

But I would have moved the vase 11 months ago