We never agree on how to discipline our son

[Mangojuice99]

Please tell me who is right or wrong in this situation. If me I will accept that and learn from it.
Our son is 12 , he has adhd and is very impulsive. His behavior has improved so much as he's grown and now he's just a bit loud, and needs constant reminders of things and help with organising school bag /uniform etc.
He does things sometimes over and over again despite being told not to. Its like he's never been told about it, such as not putting uniform away, not putting shoes and coat away. Has to be told every day.
We have a vase on our table that he keeps dragging over to him and using it to lean his phone up against whilst sitting in there. Husband has told him not to probably every day for 12 months. Incase it scratches the table. I understand this altho it never has. I moved the vase so son couldn't do it and husband put it back and said he needs to learn to stop doing it. Of course he did it again that night.
He is due to go out with friends tomorrow for a birthday celebration that's already booked and paid for by the parents and lifts have been arranged etc. Husband says he's not allowing him to go because of the disobedience over the vase.
I told him that whilst I acknowledge the issue and agree that there should be a consequence, I don't believe stopping him from attending is the right thing to do. It's messing the other parents around and it's very short notice.
He still kept insisting and I said I am not going to be the one to tell the parents , he will have to. Needless to say 2 days have passed and he hasn't contacted the parents. Son has just come to say goodnight and asked what time he needs to be up for the outing tomorrow and husband has gone up the wall.
Me and him have now had a blazing round and he's gone in the spare room. He says I never back him up and make too many allowances for our son and I let him walk all over me. I think this is all a massive over reaction to a vase given sons adhd .
Son is going to go tomorrow, but me and husband now won't speak at all tomorrow and probably for a few days so going to be a horrible atmosphere.
This has happened so many times and on top of some other issues I've actually considered separating from him to allow my son some breathing space. Who is right or wrong here?

I'm glad that others seem to agree that this is an ott punishment given the situation.
If my son was destructive, crawling the walls, being hyperactive 24/7 and causing us huge amounts of stress then I would agree, but he doesn't.
He isn't medicated for it as not severe enough

Medication is an interesting question.

The evidence base is now showing meds are highly effective (because they can speed up the brain messaging that is too slow in ADHD).

Might be worth you and DC reading around the latest evidence?

It sounds like your husband really does not like his son. I can't believe he set out a consequence and wanted you to be the one to do the dirty work of contacting the other parents to let them know your son can't go. No wonder you son stays out the house. Just buy your son a phone holder. I would have given the vase to the charity shop a long time ago.

I think the problem is your husband is setting your son up to fail, and then trying to punish him for that. Whereas it sounds like you're setting him up for success.
There's probably an element of you over compensating which could be frustrating all round.

I think the problem is your husband (and probably you to an extent) has a lot of unresolved feelings about their place in the family, and has no way to express those other than through these silly games. Maybe he felt he couldn't step up to be the kind of father he wanted to be maybe in the earliest stages, or maybe just later, possibly due to the ADHD or anything else. It's common for fathers to feel pushed out from day one, I was certainly told that the mothers job is to look after the baby and the fathers job is to look after the mother(!) But luckily I had the ability to push back against that and also the generous leave from work.

It will be a mammoth task to unpick at this stage and it's probably not something you would want to take on on his behalf. Maybe a huge amount of counselling might help. Good luck!

I have this problem with Dh. Complaining I don't back him up.
I always think cancelling a party, where it affects another child, more so another parent who has arranged and paid, is not best.

I agree with soontobe60, I actually have a bit of sympathy for Dh, who does have a point. The vase should live ok the table, and ds should not put his phone on it after being asked repeatedly. It's a lack of respect from ds to Dh.

Many mums don't ask for much but if I asked for something to be done repeatedly, even if it wasn't important to anyone else and the 3 men (Dh, ds1, ds2) thought it was silly, because I'm not very demanding, I would expect the 3 of them to still do it. Do you see my point.

The fact you admitted to being too easy on ds. Plus generally, means Dh (whilst being a twat over the vase - party punishment) feels disrespected. So this is actually a deeper issue, that is going to require a bit of work.

And what about DS, @Oblomov23, what does he get to ask for? Not being bullied in his own home by an adult that's meant to care for him?

Even though he has adhd, and I do appreciate the hardship of adhd, but that is not a total excuse, at 12, he could've not put his phone against the vase. He chose to, every day for 12 months, despite being asked many times. Yes mum or dad should've bought a stand or similar resolution 11 months ago. But he could've too. Or chosen a different option. Bet they've talked about this many times as a family. But ds chose to continue regardless. That says a lot.

Ds2 watches a YouTube who gives Pokémon advice, videos on his phone, propped up on the dining room table, most days, so I do get the dilemma.

Yes, I’m sure the child will be much happier when he gets to live with his mother and get to do (or not to do) everything he wants, and only see his father maybe once a week. Because children of divorced parents are generally more emotionally stable.

Parenting a child is never an easy thing to do. Not all parents get it right all the time. Repeatedly telling a child to stop doing something that they do not need to do isn't bullying.

a) Disabled children need loving parents who understand their conditions and needs and are capable of adjusting their own behaviour accordingly.
b) If a child is being bullied by an adult, and the adult can't stop that behaviour, then yes, the child's needs for safety and security needs to be prioritised.
c)Residing in a home with a high level of parental conflict is bad for children, and worse for emotional and mental health, than living in a harmonious home with one parent.

Draconian punishment for a disabled child for something they lack the developmental capacity to manage more adaptively is bullying.

With adhd kids you need to pick your battles and manage their environment. In this situation I would put the vase in a different room and buy your son a phone holder

Oh and get rid of your bully ableist husband

Has he have some capacity? A more suitable consequence is confiscating his phone for a bit.

I don't agree that the father is bullying. Father suggested punishment was that ds couldn't go to party. Mum said she thought he should go to party and that a different punishment should be suggested. I agree. Fine. Negotiate, compromise.

Yes. This needs addressing. Why didn't mum not address this before. She's let her son do it nearly every day for a year. Mum didn't insist he didn't, didn't offer another punishment, didn't offer any sort of other solution. Mum has let this happen for 365 days. And dad feels disrespected, by ds, and mum. I'm not surprised. He is being!

If I said to my husband anything at all, even if it was petty, I'm really sorry darling but this really gets on my nerves... or one of the Ds's is doing this ..... and it really irritates me. I would expect my husband to support me and address it.

For instance, I'm not a big fan of ironing. When I do iron the school shirts. I expect the boys to hang them up. Years ago, when little, the ds's occasionally didn't, I'd go into their bedrooms and find it all crumpled on the floor. It got on my nerves, and I expect DH to say to the boys come on boys you know your mum has gone to the trouble of doing the ironing, hang up your school shirts.

I know that's a silly example. But you get the point.

That probably isn't suitable if, like many ND children, he uses it to remain regulated.

When your ds is an adult he will be able to set his environment how he likes. Until then, he is forced to live in an environment that is clearly unsuitable for his development level. I guarantee you that when he moves out, there won't be a damn vase on a scratchy expensive table. By now there probably is an element of him doing it on purpose as he is so annoyed by the whole situation, which is just human nature. Like touching the surface of something with a wet paint sign, or pushing the big red button because it is there. I would get rid of the vase and make sure that the environment is designed to help him.

Well what is reasonable is not universal. It depends on whether your child has impaired executive function or not and whether you have been advised to adopt a low demand parenting approach etc etc.

Do you have disabled childrend @Oblomov23 ?

I've read all of your comments thank you. I agree with all of them.

1. Yes my son needs boundaries
2. Yes I am too soft with him. I also choose to pick my battles as otherwise you could be telling him about something every 5 minutes (just small things) where as husband chooses to actually tell him about everything
3. I totally agree that when you have a child with additional needs you need to alter the environment to help them. Husband not letting me move the vase has created this unnecessary tension
4. I wasn't disagreeing that he shouldn't have a consequence for doing it repeatedly, I just thought it was wrong to affect others by not allowing him to attend the birthday outing at the last minute

Luckily today husband hasn't mentioned it so we are actually speaking which is a surprise. Son has had a wonderful time which I'm happy about as I was so worried about him making and keeping friends at high school

I think you should go back and read the OP, and ask yourself whether the Dad exploding was negotiation, or whether the. oP repeatedly moving the vase and him putting it back deliberately wasn’t her addressing it (and not being backed up in -that)

The husband is one of those ghastly people who use “listen” when he means “obey”. His “he has to learn, therefore I will put the vase here” is extraordinarily mean spirited.
His use of respect also demonstrates his “My Way or the Highway” character. He doesn’t respect or value his relationship with his child.

In OP’s position I would ask him if he actually loves his child at all- you don’t treat people you love like that. He obviously resents her kindness, and something in him resents his child.

I have a neurotypical teen ds. He leaves stuff in the wrong place every single day, despite being told a million times! Yes it drives me nuts! Yes sometimes I read the riot act to him - very loudly! But never would I impose a totally irrelevant over the top punishment! What has a trip out with friends got to do with a vase??!

Your Dh needs to get real and get some perspective.