Cannabis Use and I Want 16 Year Old To Leave Home

[badhappenings]

Is it possible - can I kick him out?

I am getting to the end of my rope.

I have seen parents try to stop their teens to see reason and stop excessive cannabis and drug use.

It doesn't work from what I've seen and gets worse and worse.

They see kindness and care as a weakness and just take take and take.

I am utterly fed-up and don't want the stress (it has caused me permanent ill health) and I want it to stop. I want a short sharp shock - you go and run with the druggie losers (literally) and put us out of our misery Or stay here and have some f...ing respect and a pretty good life.

How many times do you get walked over, or do you think ok this is a phase and it will all be alright in the end??

i have a complete aversion to dope-heads/druggies, and i have had enough of providing a nice home and all that comes with it (nice clothes, lifts, wfi, phone - you name it) and I've had enough. I don't want another summer of this.

Please give me your view (good and bad- i need to know), because I am not in a good place and I think this could be breaking point

Wheres he getting money for drugs from?
How is his behaviour aside from the weed? How is he getting on at school or college?

Good question re money. He works here and earns £6 an hour.
Behaviour is disrespectful. More so to me but even to his dad (who he definitely prefers).
He has just finished his GCSEs - did he revise -no. He's not stupid but he's not academic. He's tall, good looking, very strong and thinks he's one of the lads (which he is).

Whats the backstory, the friends, how often, is he bingeing food and in bed all day, plans for college etc?

My DB became badly addicted and failed A Levels and had to re-sit. Best wake up call..!

To add re money. For example he might be with friends and because we live very rurally, he often stays with them and asks me to transfer money for food. Of course it's very likely it's going on dope and not food!!

My mum and dad kicked my brother out over the use of weed. He died last year at age 33 due to living on the streets for 20 years and being dependent on heroin. I personally would never ever give up on one of my kids no matter what. I’ve seen it all and lived it all, (my brother was alot worse than you describe) and I would still rather die than lose one of my kids like that.

You have a responsibility to your child. He's not an adult (though your responsibilities don't just end when he's 18), but he's only 16!. You can't kick him out.

@paulina94 He needs a wake up call and fast.

I can honestly see this going on and on and in the meantime, the stress for me (us) is unbelievable. We work our socks off for a lovely home and he just pisses all over it.

@Roo07 I am so sorry to hear of your sad loss.

It is exactly what I fear, but how do you stop someone on the trail of destruction. I can honestly feel it will happen.

It's such a tough thing for you. On the one hand, you can look at it and think within a couple of years he'll be completely different. You have a girlfriend, he'll be working more etc. On the other hand, you have to get through that time yourself and that's like a prison sentence.

@Precipice
I know, but how on earth do you navigate it?

TBH, there are time I hate him - don't get me wrong, I love him to death, but I hate to see what he is becoming and the sheer stress of what he is doing to us.

I also feel ashamed of him.

@determinedtomakethiswork I think you have probably hit the nail on the head.e
I'm incredibly strong and have gone through So much in life to get to an okay place (in my head and in my career - against all odds), and I see my DS as a very weak and very stupid boy, who actually thinks he is the big man.

I went through this with my son, and I was raising him alone. Verbal abuse, hitting furniture, drug taking, completely taking the piss in general. It was really hard. But if I had kicked him out he would have got more in with his druggie mates and ended up in a terrible situation, got into crime or ended up dead.
I bit my tongue and chose my battles very carefully, because it wasn't worth the stress.

He is now mid 20's, working in a very good job and renting a flat.

At 16 you don't give up on your child. It is frustrating as hell and they are big and seem like adults, but they are not.

A short sharp shock would be that you don't transfer him money for food, he eats at home or his friends parents feed him, or he doesn't eat. Or get a takeaway delivered if you must, but no more money.

I’m sorry you’re going through this.
My friend is in your position, her DS is 17, left school last year with not a single GCSE.
After years of crying out for help, police involvement and social services being totally useless he’s been given a CPN and effectively banned from our town centre.
He’s being housed 25 miles away in a supported living facility after attacking my friend and punching a window out.
Oh and he’s got his 15 yo GF pregnant.
The cannabis use hasn’t stopped, he has no job and my friend is terrified for his future.

I have no advice beyond hoping you can help your DS turn his life around before it’s too late.

i lost my son through drugs (methadone) given to him by his doctor, massive amount , i would give everything to have him and all his problems back, he was 24.

He's far too young to be kicked out of home, however awful his behaviour, unless he becomes violent. It's our job to be their parent when they make bad choices.

I 100% agree with you that the purely 'loving' approach is seen as weak and doesn't work. It has to be tough love. I'd make him watch documentaries with you online about how cannabis is produced - about the poor kids imprisoned in houses, with food shoved through letterboxes, watering plants all the time, just so he and his friends can get wasted. I'd show him articles about how much stronger dope is than it used to be, and the evidence of it creating severe neurological problems - from anxiety, depression, derealisation, lethargy etc. But not in a lecturing way. Just say these are the things you know about cannabis and you want to be able to chat honestly with him about them as they are causes for concern.

I'd also just chat a lot with him about his future, ask questions about his dreams and take them seriously. Look for role models he might look up to who are very anti drugs.He's far more likely to listen if some sports personality says cannabis is a waste of time, than if his mum does, so seek out some heroes of his who think it destroys lives and make sure he sees and hears their opinion.

Your post suggests he works for you. Do you have an Employee Drink and Drugs policy and if so, can you enforce it?
If he needs your job to pay for his lifestyle, he needs to be clean.

Stop sending him any money, if he wants food he can come home and eat. That stops the extra money.

Stop him staying with friends often. Give him a curfew and tell him to be home and if he isn't you'll report him as missing and let the police bring him home.

Have rules at home and enforce them through loss of privileges, no lifts, takeaways, wifi etc if he's being disrespectful.

He's 16 you can't kick him out and it won't help. Tough love whilst living at home should help, but ultimately he's a teenager and they are selfish and think they know it all when they know not much yet about the big wide world. Does he want to learn to drive at 17? Tell him you won't help with lessons while he smokes weed. It stays in your system for a long time so he can't drive while he's smoking it.

No you can't kick him out. Where do you think he's going to go?

It would be like a death sentence, don’t do it

I don't think you can kick him out, not aged 16 anyway (18 would be a different story)

I'd stop all money, all privileges, his phone/the Internet etc. If he wants to eat then he has to come home.

In my opinion, a PP upthread also gave good advice about giving him info on the drugs trade etc.

Maybe tell him now that he only has 2 years to sort himself out or he will be on his own at 18. You are going to have to tough it out for the next couple of years.

Op what do you think would happen to your DS if you kicked him out? Would he realise the error of his ways or would he just have more access to drugs?

I would contact one of the drug charities and ask for advice. I get that you are stressed beyond belief - I have been there with a teenager in different circumstances where I thought that our family would split up from the horror of it all - but 16 is so young still.

Good luck

I have been through the cannabis stage with 2 of my DS, they both grew out of it. I work in criminal justice. I've seen what happens to those kids whose parents kick them out for smoking cannabis, they often end up in prison, on harder drugs and into other crime.

I know it's frustrating. My eldest finished school having failed English so couldn't do 6th form. Raced to get him on a college course that he scrapped through whilst failing English twice more. He bummed around working part time for 2 years earning hardly anything, then suddenly just grew out of it. Now 23 and earning more than my DH in a job that he loves.

I'm my experience the more you fight them over it, the more they rebel.

I'd set strong boundaries and ensure when they are broken there are consequences, but let him work through this.

I had a few friends who were kicked out of their homes as teenagers and I don't think they've ever forgiven their parents (they're now in their 40s).
I don't doubt you're not having a horrible and stressful time. But I don't think your should do it unless you're comfortable with your relationship being damaged forever

My partner was kicked out for cannabis at 16 😬 he ended up in a 10 year spiral, homeless, harder drugs, hanging out with horrible people. Completely turned his life around now but I wonder if it wouldn't have gone on so long and got so bad if he had someone in his corner?

I would cut off money to him full stop. He can get a part time job/ use his wages. There is food in your house, if he hasn't got money or spent it he can't go out simples. How everyone else on the planet does it. He won't starve as food in your home is provided so ignore guilt tripping.

Weed is not the worse drug, as he is adamant on recreation and teenagers are gits sometimes 😭 for now I would implement strong boundaries, only outside in a shed. You are not to smell a whiff of it, that's disrespectful to you and your whole household... hopefully then if your not being "controlling" he will get out of this phase without pushing back.

If he doesn't like it he can move himself out his choice.

We went through this with our son, our approach was to remain calm & keep lines of communication open even when he seemed to despise us. There were some very dark days ... and when I thought of the gorgeous happy little boy he had been as a child it broke my heart - I thought I'd lost him for good but he's 23 now and just grew out of it. Made the choice himself to give up the weed about two years ago and got himself a decent job which he's doing really well at. It's horrendous and tricky but rather than kick him out I'd advise trying to keep him close.