Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

16 year old sneaking out at night

42 replies

Notadoormat · 28/06/2023 09:02

Caught my 16 year old sneaking out at night. Difficult teen as it is but this takes it the whole new level. Has anyone had this issue ? I took the keys off and lock everything at night. However patio door spare key is missing. Tried to discuss the missing key but everything is denied. DS admitted to occasional sneaking out to see mates and just hang out. Neighbourhood is relatively safe but worrying behaviour as cannot seem to connect with my teen. Have not seen evidence of drug use but vaping was mentioned by DS. Should I just secure all doors or have a conversation about trust ? DS lies a lot but says it is because his curfew of 10 pm is ridiculous in the summer for a 16 year old. Both myself and DH have issues with mental health and anxiety so it is not helping.

OP posts:

Softoprider · 29/06/2023 10:19

My 12 year old grandson did this. He snuck out at 11.30 pm and wandered around the streets with his friends - larking about. He returned home at about 3 am but the friend stayed out and his parents found out and the shit hit the fan. My grandson was grassed up by the friend and now he is grounded with his phone confiscated.
No real harm done but it could have ended very badly. He's feeling very sorry for himself this week.

Original poster

Notadoormat · 29/06/2023 10:31

Yes I am worried about gangs of youths and grooming. My DS is vulnerable and I cannot take a risk. he has a number of dodgy looking mates who I never meet so we have to be careful. His more sensible friends all tell him to calm down and not show off,

OP posts:

DarkChocHolic · 29/06/2023 11:01

@Notadoormat
mum to 16 year old DD and I get your worries.
It is such an awkward age like many have said.
They would like the freedom of an 18+ but they are not there yet.
I struggle to understand where they can hang out after 10.00 pm. Cafes and coffee shops are mostly closed.
They don't have the money to spend in restaurants and have a meal.
The parks around us are certainly not the best place to be hanging out.
I agree they love to be with their friends. I allow sleepovers and host when ever possible. I also allow days outs with friends but I would certainly be worried if she was just roaming the streets at night.
My DD certainly isn't mature enough to ward off drug and alcohol mis use in the park.
It's different if the teen is sensible and has a mature group of friends but this is not always the case.

Original poster

Notadoormat · 29/06/2023 11:13

Agree with Darckchocholic as we have plenty of cannabis smoking around here in parks. Suspect DS has done it as I know some of his mates have been caught with it. Not bad kids but obviously experimenting. He is easily led and not very happy at the moment so cannot risk it. Being a parent of a troubled teen just sucks !

OP posts:

HappiDaze · 29/06/2023 11:23

10pm that's early

My DD16 rocks in up to 1am especially now GCSEs are over

Cut the apron strings OP

He's old enough to get married and work

Growlybear83 · 29/06/2023 11:26

I think a 10 p.m. curfew for a 16 year old is far too early. If he wants to experiment with drugs, sex etc, he can do it just as easily at 7 as a bit later. My Dad was very strict with timekeeping when I was in my early teens, and I always had to be in earlier than all of my friends, which I always resented and still feel was completely unnecessary. But once I got to 16 and had finished my exams, even he relaxed and lifted the curfew. I was just asked to let my parents know where I was going, and to let them know if I was going to be late.

I tried to be much more relaxed with my daughter when she was in her teens, and by 16 she was allowed to stay out until 12 or 1 at weekends, and 11 on weekdays. I felt that the world was much less safe when she was a teen than when I was that age, and so always made sure that I picked her up if she was coming home late on her own.

HappiDaze · 29/06/2023 11:26

They all smoke weed, all around the country in every town, village and city the more rural the more bored the more they smoke

I would hate my DD or DS to be stuck at home miserable because I've set them a ridiculous curfew just because I can

It's a phase. It just is

HappiDaze · 29/06/2023 11:27

Just let him be

Parky04 · 29/06/2023 11:32

Yes, I know it was back in the day, but I was working full time at 16 and had no curfew at all. Could come and go as I pleased, as long as I was respectful when I came in. I can see why he is so pissed off!

HappiDaze · 29/06/2023 11:37

Poor boy you're literally driving him insane

Yeahyeahno · 29/06/2023 13:33

This is literally the ‘only summer after his GCSE’s’ he’ll ever have and you’re ruining it by making him stay in in case he does what most other teens around the world are doing…..it’s really sad for him

dancinginthesky · 29/06/2023 14:43

OP, a curfew won't solve any potential experimenting with cannabis- he can smoke it earlier in the day just the same as later

There's also little you can do if he chooses to, for most people it's part of being a teen/young adult - experimenting with substances and alcohol to some extent. Personally I have no problem with people using cannabis, but there is a risk in young adults from a mental health perspective - on the other hand if you drink enough alcohol you can die from alcohol poisoning and binge drinking would be a far bigger worry for me than the odd joint with friends

I live by, if you're going to do something then do it as safely as possible and it would seem more protective to me to not have things at 16 = punishable choices but educatable choices... eg consequences of drug debts, financial hardship due to addiction and mental health risks and obviously legal consequences should he be caught with it in his possession- if they're going to do it, they find a way whatever you do to try to prevent it at 16, the part you do have influence over is keeping communication open enough that it is done as safely as possible IF it's done

cyncope · 29/06/2023 14:47

I'd focus on him staying as safe as possible.
Forget the curfew, but ask him to tell you where he will be. Make sure he has a way to get home. And be clear with him that if he is in trouble, feeling unsafe, or needs a way out he can call you any time, day or night, and you will go and get him.

Original poster

Notadoormat · 29/06/2023 16:34

Thank you everyone. I agree with the comments about teens finding ways to do dodgy things regardless of curfew. My son's friend has a 10 pm curfew as well due to being a dipstick on a number of occasions. Around here the trouble seem to start from around 9-10 pm. Only what other parents say. My DS likes to show off and is a big lad so worried about fights etc. Agree if you are looking for trouble you are going to find one any time. Will have to think how to deal with it to be honest. Parks are full cannabis smoking teens. Anti- social behaviour around shops and takeaways caused residents to complain. Overall we are in a good area but seemingly lots of bored teens just loitering once the summer has started. Would be happy if DS stayed round other people's houses until much later but still not sure about streets. He has lost interest in all hobbies apart from loitering . But that is a topic for another thread I suspect 😂😂

OP posts:

WhaleBlue · 29/06/2023 19:14

you need to negotiate with a difficult 16 yr old. Boundaries rather than rules. If you are too strict he will carry on as he is, lie a lot more about it. I’m speaking from personal experience where discipline/ consequences were ineffective. Each teen is different and parenting strategies need to be adapted. Explain calmly why it’s inappropriate to sneak out of the house at night. Negotiate what is / is not acceptable and why. Set up find my iPhone if you haven’t already.
good luck

Original poster

Notadoormat · 29/06/2023 21:55

Agree . DS became a lot more argumentative/verbally aggressive if I go all guns blazing. He also messes around with location on his phone. We keep reminding him and cut out pocket money if location is off or late home. Sneaking out was the last straw for me. Cannot stand such lies. Agree the only way forward is negotiation at this age.

OP posts:

HappiDaze · 30/06/2023 14:49

Honestly just let it go for the summer and get stricter once he goes back to school

Flip

1 2