16 year old sneaking out at night

Seeline · 28/06/2023 09:06

So Y11 or Y12?

Is he never allowed out after 10pm? Weekends, school holidays, pre-arranged?

What kind of times is he sneaking out?

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 28/06/2023 09:08

Hmm that's a tricky one, I would hate the sneaking about and lying but are you quite strict generally? Do you know his friends? Would he be likely to just be hanging out at a mates house?

Thea91 · 28/06/2023 09:08

I done this when I was a teen , a bit younger though. My Nan locked ALL my shoes in the garage.

RoseBucket · 28/06/2023 09:11

Ha I used to do that! My bedroom was above the porch so I could get up and down, about the only happy memory I have but nothing bad ever happened I was quite street savvy though.

BiscuitsandPuffin · 28/06/2023 09:12

10pm seems fair to me for a 16 year old. Especially if they're just congregating around a shop or something rather than going to someone's house with responsible adults around in case they do something stupid or fall foul of an argument with another group of teens. Can you put a stop to it by letting them invite the friends around your house so you know where they are?

TeeBee · 28/06/2023 09:12

Firstly, you only get let out later if you're shown to be trustworthy and mature. He's not showing himself to be trustworthy, so he needs to understand that his freedom is linked to his own behaviour. I would get motion sensors and come down hard on this sneaking out, you have no idea what he's up to and what trouble he could get into. At the same time, I'd give him some opportunity to demonstrate his maturity (sneaking out will get him straight back down to zero). That way he can start learning how to behave in his own best interest. Being out past 10 isn't the problem, the lying and sneaking around is. Do you know what these boys are doing when they go out late? I'd be inclined to go and find out. I know at that age, mine liked to go and sit on the beach and have a natter (they couldn't bother anyone else so weren't making a nuisance of themselves) but it could be anything.

caringcarer · 28/06/2023 09:13

I'd get the locks changed on the patio door and not leave spare keys about. 10pm for being back in the house sounds about right for me. Possibly 10.30 on a Saturday.

Notamum12345577 · 28/06/2023 09:14

Notadoormat · 28/06/2023 09:02

Caught my 16 year old sneaking out at night. Difficult teen as it is but this takes it the whole new level. Has anyone had this issue ? I took the keys off and lock everything at night. However patio door spare key is missing. Tried to discuss the missing key but everything is denied. DS admitted to occasional sneaking out to see mates and just hang out. Neighbourhood is relatively safe but worrying behaviour as cannot seem to connect with my teen. Have not seen evidence of drug use but vaping was mentioned by DS. Should I just secure all doors or have a conversation about trust ? DS lies a lot but says it is because his curfew of 10 pm is ridiculous in the summer for a 16 year old. Both myself and DH have issues with mental health and anxiety so it is not helping.

Has he a curfew at 10pm on weekends? What school year is he? The sneaking out is wrong of course. But if he is year 12, 10pm curfew on weekends is too strict. The stricter you are, the more they rebel. My son went to the occasional party when he was in college, sometimes ending early hours of the morning. Once he was out of school I trusted him to be sensible, and he was.

BiscuitsandPuffin · 28/06/2023 09:16

@Notamum12345577 given that it's almost July, it seems extremely unlikely that a 16 year old is in Y12? OP can you clarify because it does make a difference!

TeeBee · 28/06/2023 09:16

As others have said, it helps if they have somewhere at home they can all congregate. My house was generally that place for my two boys. We have a separate building that I set up as a teenage den so at least I knew mine were home and everyone was safe. If anything happened, I'd be on hand to sort it. Have you got space for them to hang out without being heavily supervised?

clpsmum · 28/06/2023 09:18

A curfew of 10pm in the summer for a 16yr old IS ridiculous

Original poster

Notadoormat · 28/06/2023 10:52

Thank you everyone for your advice, A lot to think about. He is not trustworthy at the moment and yes friends are allowed here for sleepovers etc. A lot of conflict in the family due to generally rude and rebellious attitude and DS says he just wants to be with his mates as it is horrible at home. Have to look at own behaviour and decide how to proceed.

OP posts:

Notamum12345577 · 28/06/2023 16:17

BiscuitsandPuffin · 28/06/2023 09:16

@Notamum12345577 given that it's almost July, it seems extremely unlikely that a 16 year old is in Y12? OP can you clarify because it does make a difference!

small chance, but possible. My daughter is July birthday, so she would be 16 at the end of year 12

MrsPositivity1 · 28/06/2023 18:39

Please be really careful. My friend's teenager climbed out a window and slipped and hit their head. They were in ICU for a few days but didn’t make it.

I know this is 1 in a million but unfortunately it happened to my friend

jackstini · 28/06/2023 18:47

Depends on how he gets home, where he's going, who he's with etc.

Walking alone, earlier curfew
Out with a group & we pick up, later curfew
Has to keep find my iPhone on

10pm is very early for a 16 yo for the latter

Yeahyeahno · 28/06/2023 18:51

Ditch the curfew. You’re the one causing the issues by making him have to lie to you just to do what normal kids - and his friends - do.

Yeahyeahno · 28/06/2023 18:52

My parents put ridiculous rules on my older sister. She rebelled and left home at 17. They let me do what I want (within reason) as long as I told them where I was and that I was safe. We had a lovely relationship

areyouhavinglaugh · 28/06/2023 19:03

10pm for a year 12? I mean you can do as you please.
But as a mum of teen boys that is slightly over the top!
I used to let my son go out to friends houses locally if he didn't have college the next day

As long as he texted me when he's on way home, going to be late or staying at his friends house.

I mean if he's year 12 he'll be 17 before September! You can't keep him wrapped up forever

lookingforMolly · 28/06/2023 19:14

I'm really surprised- at 16 he's old enough to have sex, even marry (with permission), get a job or join the Army, but can't stay out past 10pm??

If he's finished his GCSEs why can't he stay out?

VioletCharlotte · 28/06/2023 19:28

My DS did this once when he was 14! Unfortunately for him, it poured with rain at about 4am and they got soaked which out him off.

But your DS is 16, assume he's just done his GCSE's? You need to ditch the curfew. The 'long, hot summer' after exams is for partying, staying out late with mates and generally going feral!

Tulipvase · 28/06/2023 19:41

BiscuitsandPuffin · 28/06/2023 09:16

@Notamum12345577 given that it's almost July, it seems extremely unlikely that a 16 year old is in Y12? OP can you clarify because it does make a difference!

Well anyone born in July or August would still be 16. My son included. Got to be about 17% of kids roughly?

Yeahyeahno · 28/06/2023 23:03

But your DS is 16, assume he's just done his GCSE's? You need to ditch the curfew. The 'long, hot summer' after exams is for partying, staying out late with mates and generally going feral!

that’s made me nostalgic for that summer. All nighters with my friends - and first boyfriend, just loving life.

Original poster

Notadoormat · 29/06/2023 09:12

Thank you again everyone . DS has just finished y11 and did very badly all year at school. No revision and poor behaviour. Absolutely hated school since about year 9. I guess it influenced us to some extent as all his mates are out celebrating and DS has nothing to celebrate as already told us his GCSEs are failed. He is not stupid but just hates academic work. Which we could live with if he was a nice, polite lad at home but he most definitely is not at the moment. He planned to join the forces as was great at cadets ( gave it up now) and now changed his mind and is thinking vocational. Again we supported him. The problem is he seems to hell bent on doing nothing but hanging out with friends and being a clown and a show off. He boasted to them about sneaking out. He finds it funny and says we have been totally unreasonable about curfews. The reason he has a curfew is more to do with his general immaturity and propensity to get in trouble. He is allowed sleep overs and having friends here, Just not hanging around dodgy places at midnight. He injured himself falling off a e-motorbike owed by someone in the area. We live in a nice area but we do have a problem with a lot of loitering teenagers here and often they are up to no good.

OP posts:

Yeahyeahno · 29/06/2023 10:08

just be careful your punishments don’t push him away further. Perhaps try working with him instead of against each other. Getting into a cycle of battles never works out

dancinginthesky · 29/06/2023 10:17

16 is a difficult age - they were a child a moment ago and legally they are suddenly old enough to make life choices we only allow adults and have to figure it all out

As a parent, you want your children to be safe whatever age they are - legally adults or legally minors

I would go with the respect angle - you're parents, you worry, you want to go to bed and know your family is safe when you sleep and maybe compromise with a later curfew under stipulated rules- housed with the family out of respect and consideration they have a boundary of how far and till what time without prearranged notice they can go but I'd come up with the time and distance boundary with them to acknowledge legally they have a lot more freedom and need to be supported into sensible decisions on a gradual process ideally

If a 16 year old pushes back against being allowed under specific conditions that include respect for the rest of the family - I would then worry about exploitation happening with gangs and grooming and want to get to the bottom of that issue to be able to protect them from it. If that's happening, yeah I would lock my child in with everything I could and rather be done for it if it came to it than let it continue to them