How can i punish my 17 year old DS?

[RGPargy]

Where to begin??

DS, 17, has a habit of stealing money from the change pot in mine and DP's bedroom, more often than not to buy cigarettes with. Despite numerous chats to say it's not acceptable and that he has to start looking for work and getting his own money he has yet again stolen from us. It's not much, only about £3, but it's the principle. He has to come into our room and root about our things to get the money and quite frankly myself and DP are getting seriously pissed off with feeling violated like this. We recently had another chat with him, in which we said that we will help him find work, drive him round to building sites etc and even help him with forms etc too. This is just a complete kick in the crutch for us and we're gutted (and seriously angry) that he's done it yet again.

He actually had some work this week and when he came home i told him that i wanted the money back he'd stolen and that he was also grounded for the night too. He looked devastated at this as he obviously had plans to go and spend his wages that he'd earned. About 30 minutes later he said he was going out and i told him that he was not to go out because he had acted like a child so he was going to be treated like a child. Anyway, to cut a long story short, he just walked out leaving me and DP standing there open mouthed with steam coming out of our ears. This i find completely and utterly fucking rude as fuck (scuse the language!) and feel that he must be punished for this.

But what/how do we punish him??? Should we do things like take his computer/playstation etc away???

I just dont know what to do.

I think 17 is a biut old to be confiscating stuff, tbh. I don't know how you should deal with this - sounds horrible for you - but can I suggest no longer having a money pot in your bedroom?

Put a lock on your door?

Remove some of his favourite stuff and lock it out of his reach, tell him he can have it back when he has repaid you everything he owes?

Take his bedroom door away?

Make him look after himself and withdraw all offers of help/food/laundry washing etc?

I think its difficult to ground a 17 year old really. He is almost of age. Are you paying for broadband connection to computer? Presume you are, if so perfectly reasonable to confiscate router (or equivalent) IMO so he can't go on line as a punishment. Also I would make him pay his keep when he works only fair. Agree with sushi - don't leave any money around the house! Horrible when its your own house but he has shown he can't be trusted.

Do you cook, clean, wash etc for him? If so, stop it - right now. No lifts, no favours, no privileges, nothing.

And yes, put a lock on your door

And if he won't give you some of his wages, kick him out.

Who paid for his computer etc? If it was you then yes, confiscate those too.

He needs to appreciate what you do for him and grow up.

Yes - stop feeding him!

And make the money less accessible.

Grounding is clearly difficult once they are big enough to say "Well I'm going anyway" but stopping doing laundry etc might make him think a bit.

I agree that it's difficult to know what to do with a 17 year old - if he carries on doing what he's doing he'll end up on bloody Jeremy Kyle!!

I think we'll deffo put a lock on the door and i'm going to stop doing his laundry too. Sod it.

With regard to computers - we have a house full of them (3 laptops and 2 PCs) so it's not really doable to confiscate the router etc (how could i Mumsnet?!!! ). If i confiscate his laptop, then he'll sit at the communal pc in the front room and to be perfectly honest, i'd rather he sodded off up to his room!

Take the plugs off all the computers barr the one you're using.

Take the plugs off all the computers barr the one you're using.

Put passwords on all your computers, and make sure you personally log them on for whoever needs them (except him, obv!) - ie don't tell anyone else what the password/s is/are.

Don't give him an inch - don't shout, don't argue, just make it plain that his behaviour has been unacceptable, and that until he starts behaving in a way you approve of he is to get no domestic privileges at all

(He will think you don't really mean it, and will present you with laundry/turn up for meals/ask for passwords - so you just smile pleasantly and say "no, sorry, have you forgotten?")

Right. This is the plan. We have implemented the following:

Put password on the communal pc and blocked his user account from accessing the internet;

We are confiscating his laptop and keeping it in our room;

We are taking our laptops to our rooms every time we go out (a PITA I know, but we're making a point);

We are buying a lock for our bedroom door tomorrow;

None of his laundry will be done;

No family meals will be cooked for him;

We intend to do this for two weeks so that he will (hopefully) think about how much he has pissed us off.

The only thing i am worried about is that he will hate me and grow up hating me.

I can see wht this made you so cross, I really can. But I agree that grounding him is not going to work now, he is too old.

FWIW I wouldn't do all the confiscating of computers etc. I wouldn't withdraw laundry or meals either for this.

I tend to think that even at this age the best way of dealing with unwanted behaviour is to do things that are related to the behaviour itself rather than 'add in' other, purely punitive things which I think just increase the anger and resentment in the house. Boys of this age are 'logical' and very picky as to what's fair or not and I think he may well feel huge resentment at these things being done which to him will have nothing to do with what he did. I don't think he will necessarily take from it the lesson you want him to ie to think about how much he has pissed you off. He is more likely I think (being a selfish teen) to think about it from his point of view and feel angry and aggrieved.

I think a lock on the door might be enough of a shock for him. And agree, never leave money around the house, at all. Make it impossible to access.

Though meant to say, think at 17 he could certainly be expected to do own laundry anyway! And meals, or at least take a turn in cooking family meals!

Is he ready to have more responsibility given to him around the house? Sometimes 17 yr olds act like younger kids because we get used to treating them that way?

"i sometimes worry he will grow up hating me"

Methinks he is pretty much already grown up, and has probably already formed an opinion!!

TBH, I would sell something of his, deduct the amount he stole, and give him the rest of the cash.... not that 2 rights make a wrong, but thats what I would do

fi he goes out

lock the door - or tell him that this is what you will do in the future.

now the punishments are in place you need to have a chat. tell him that its your rules.

tell him you want 1/3 of his wages

have an agreed kerfew - my ds was 10pm at 17 - he does what he likes now he is 18

the thing about not feeding him means that he will make toast and butties and not join in with family meals - which in themselves are a great medium through wich to communicate.

I would have locked him out aswell. Have told mine if they turn up roaring drunk they will sleep in the car (hasn't happened yet)

I'd definitely stop doing anything for him, no laundry or cooking and stick to it. All mine do their own laundry and have done since they were 13. They also take it in turns to clean kitchen after dinner, run a hoover round and cook sometimes

17 is perfectly old enough to start looking after himself if he is going to treat you like this

The thing is, it's been going on for so long now that i'm really fed up of him doing it, despite us sitting down with him and saying how we think certain things are unacceptable and asking him his point of views on stuff too. I feel like i've been bashing my head on a brick wall for the last 2 years.

DP has been very good and has not interferred with my parenting but even now he is seriously pissed off with the boy.

I dont think that the lock on the door will be a shock enough for him. I think it has to be drastic and i think it has to be NOW.

He DOES give me keep when he's got work (which isn't very often), with the exception of at Christmas when he didn't even offer it to me, much to my disgust! I didn't force the issue because tbh, i was distracted with other things, i.e. a newborn baby.

He sent me a text last night to say that he was staying at his mate's house and that he had stuff on him, which obviously means it was premeditated too - probably goaded (sp?) on by one of his mates via text as he was frantically texting before he decided to go out.

The thing that is so so disappointing is that he IS a lovely boy, but he's easily influenced and I worry that he will end up going down the wrong path in life, despite me desperately trying to steer him in the wrong direction.

I WILL be continuing with the punishments I outline above. As for them possibly breeding resentment, well it's too late for that because right now i am resenting HIM. I dont want to see him and i dont want to speak to him.

Well done, RGP - hope it pulls him up quickly and makes him think! My DS1 got a bit like this last summer, when he was 19 - he was working some of the time and earning some money but kept making excuses for not giving me any while continuing to do exactly what he wanted. My last straw was when he came in pissed at 3am and decided to come into my room to use my PC to reply to a facebook message he'd seen on his phone - woke me up, was very indignant when I was angry, and swore at me.

I did actually kick him out - he had to go and stay at his grandma's 15 miles away - although because I work part time he used to sneak back in when I wasn't here but only to fetch things, he didn't take any liberties and was very apologetic after the cold war ended

HG, under the circs food, laundry & other household services are relevant, because he is earning but not paying for them, or paying back the household money he has taken.

Hi RGP, its a good idea that you are showing him who is in charge but I wouldnt do everything at once, just build up the rules in stages - you might find that he will accept what you say and start behaving but on the other hand you may still need a plan B ! I think they all try and push at the boundaries and if you let them get away with it they will just go further. My DS was a real so and so (was going to write something else!) Rudeness , moods etc and I think a lot of it was attention seeking. He is now away at uni having to fend for himself, cleaning,shopping and cooking etc. and is living proof that they can do it if the have to.

good luck

Wendy - Your DS1 working and NOT giving you money is selfish isn't it. I think they should contribute something if they are working - it's only fair! Unfortunately I have no one nearby to send my DS as my mum is in Spain, my Dad simply wouldn't have him there to spoil his idyllic (sp?) country life and he has nothing to do with his father or his father's family so it's just little old me that has to deal with his selfishness.

Lily - i dont think that gradually building up rules would cut it with him. Any rules just get adhered to for a day or two and then they just slip away again and we're back to square one.

We went to PILs last night and locked away all the laptops and the PS3 controllers too so he had no internet access and nothing to do other than watch TV.

Yesterday he still had the cheek to bring his washing down to be done, as if nothing had happened.

DP made a good point earlier today actually. He said that DS hasn't changed in any way over the last two years. All he has done is steal money from him, pinch his socks, pinch his favourite brand new t-shirt and wear it to college and get cement all over it, thereby ruining it, he's stolen money from DP, stolen lighters, cigarettes, tobacco etc. Enough is enough really i think.

I thought i'd brought him up to have values so i really feel that i am to blame in some way. DP says that DS has no traits of me in him and therefore he must take after DS's father. Unfortunately i'm starting to agree which is a shame because DS's father was a complete w@nker.

He's not been home long enough for us to talk about anything so nothing can get resolved and i cant even explain WHY i'm taking away his privileges, although i'm sure he's old enough to understand the reasons.

did i meet your ds father? i think i may have done?

anyway i think you are doing the right thing. and i have known you long enough to say thia as well

he is takign the pee, and ithink you are perfectly within your rights to put your foot down?

how is little one doing?

i dont think 17 too old to take stuff away at all. hit him where it hurts - if he likes the playstation deny it!

i am bloody sure my teens pilfer all the time and find it quite sad
dh and i are very open - leave change all over house etc and handbag easily accessible and i think this may have to change

Misdee - no, you didn't meet DS's father - we split up when DS was 3. I think you probably met Simon, an ex of mine.

PYBF - Glad i'm not the only one who's got a pilfering teen. It does make you feel sad doesn't it.

I'll give DS one thing tho, he's never pinched money from my purse - not that i know of, anyway.

I have no personal experience of teenagers but watched a great programme on BBC3 a couple of years ago and stored some tips for future use.

One family had truly nightmare teenage boys.

They made a list of behaviours that needed to change and also a list of consequences associated with the actions. it was on display in the kitchen.

eg.
stealing = 3 weeks without playstation
skipping school = 1 week without the computer

hope you manage to get to the bottom of this.. Good luck!