How can i punish my 17 year old DS?

[RGPargy]

Where to begin??

DS, 17, has a habit of stealing money from the change pot in mine and DP's bedroom, more often than not to buy cigarettes with. Despite numerous chats to say it's not acceptable and that he has to start looking for work and getting his own money he has yet again stolen from us. It's not much, only about £3, but it's the principle. He has to come into our room and root about our things to get the money and quite frankly myself and DP are getting seriously pissed off with feeling violated like this. We recently had another chat with him, in which we said that we will help him find work, drive him round to building sites etc and even help him with forms etc too. This is just a complete kick in the crutch for us and we're gutted (and seriously angry) that he's done it yet again.

He actually had some work this week and when he came home i told him that i wanted the money back he'd stolen and that he was also grounded for the night too. He looked devastated at this as he obviously had plans to go and spend his wages that he'd earned. About 30 minutes later he said he was going out and i told him that he was not to go out because he had acted like a child so he was going to be treated like a child. Anyway, to cut a long story short, he just walked out leaving me and DP standing there open mouthed with steam coming out of our ears. This i find completely and utterly fucking rude as fuck (scuse the language!) and feel that he must be punished for this.

But what/how do we punish him??? Should we do things like take his computer/playstation etc away???

I just dont know what to do.

Thanx JJ.

He's not said a word to either of us since Friday, just the odd downhearted "hello" or "see ya later" so as i haven't been able to tell him about the household privileges being removed, i've had to write him a short note and leave it in his room. I want him to know how the land lies rather than him thinking we're just being horrible, if that makes sense.

I have to say tho that having the lock on the door is great. When we go into our bedroom now it feels very refreshing to know that everything is exactly how we left it when we went out. It's a shame, isn't it!

When you get a chance, tell him how it makes you feel, and how sad that makes you feel - when you can't trust your own child in your own home

Now you've left the note explaining what's going on, if he still insists on the downhearted monosyllables you need to back him into a corner and Have A Chat - he's got to face up to what he's done wrong before, and what he needs to do differently from now on. (I assume you are feeling less mad at him now and can have a civilised conversation? but don't start feeling guilty )

Well in the note i wrote to him i did say that i was very disappointed and extremely sad that it had come to this, but i also said that enough was enough. He's out at work again today (typically!) but i did manage to get a statement out of him last night when he was backed into a corner. As he was coming down the stairs, i was walking to the bottom of the stairs and he said that he was going to the kebab shop. I had to ask him 3 times what he was saying tho because he was mumbling into the coat rack and then he finally turned round, looked me in the face and said "i'm just going to the kebab shop quickly, ok?". That's the most he's said to me all weekend!

aren't the teen years just so hard? i thought I had it tough with two sleepless non-eating under 5's but there are times when I would gladly swop my teens for 6 of them!

I hate the fact that teens don't seem to recognise me as a human being like them - completely taken for granted, no consideration, no forethought - while I still love them and want them to love and like me. Boo hoo!

I guess we just have to grit our teeth and be as objective as we can - if they are going to grow up responsible and happy and it's my job to teach them how then they're not going to like me very much some of the time.

Bizarrely, i do find that when i put my foot down hard my kids are noticeably happier - they may flounce and grunt and moan but when they get over themselves (worth using this phrase on them before they use it on you) they are much nicer

So true, that. Especially about them being happier when you put your foot down. DS usually is too, although obviously with no internet, cooked dinners, ps3 or laundry being done i dont think he is very happy at the moment!!!

Its hard work but worth it!I have 2 DSS who now are 17 and 23.When I arrived they had been on their own with their father for six years and were 10 and 16.16 year old was a nightmare....understandabley perhaps as their mother had left them.However he became a massive threat to me.I threw him out after he threw a chair at me.He was over 6' and about 13 stone and I couldn't trust him.He had previously bashed the shed down with a broom and DH was usually working an hour or more away.He is a smasher now and frequently thanks me for coming down hard on him.He did end up back with his mother for a while....not long and now lives with two of his mates.The 17 year old has been some work but it seems to have paid off.He didnt do well at school partly due to lack of help at home before I came and partly because he felt he didn't need to work.I made him get up every day at 7.30am when he finished school and look for a job.Buy the local paper on job day and mark every job it was possible for him to apply for.Then he had to write and apply.He applied for one that was to do CAD....don't think he knew what it was but HE applied.He was interviewed and got turned down,but they invited him to apply for a job on the factory floor.He got it,has been there nearly 18months,is on more than the minimum wage for ove 21's and now on day release doing welding and sheet metal work.He has grown up so much.He knows how well he's done and most of his friends haven't.Maybe its easier to see whats needed when you're the wicked stepmother but I honestly believe they both have done better than anyone could ever imagine and they are now a joy to be with.....mostly!I hope you find you're way through.

Thanx jujuju. That's an inspiring post. Out of interest, how did your DP/DH feel and/or react about you coming down hard on his boys? Was it hard for him to go along with? I ask this because this is like a role reversal with me and DP. Only thing is, DP wont actually say anything to DS. He just moans to me instead but I keep telling him that HE should be the one to say something to DS because it's not just MY house now, it's OUR house as we've bought it together so DP has to have a say in what goes on in his house, wouldn't you agree?