I don’t like my daughter

[Unhappymu]

Of course deep down I love her, but I despise her personality, attitude and behaviour.
some of which is expected of any 15 year old girl, but she has only treated me this way for the past 2 years and behaves perfectly for friends and family. now I’m at the end of my tether and feel a strong dislike towards her most days.
her dad isn’t involved so I never get a break from her unless she’s at school and I’m working. She’s often grounded and loses her phone which means she is constantly around me screaming and sulking. She bullies her sister who is a year younger and doesn’t care about the consequences. She skips lessons at school quite often to hang out with the ‘cool gang’ and receives after school detentions at least 2-3 times a week as a result, which means finishing school at 5pm and needing a lift home due to it being in an unwalkable distance. On the rare chance I do let her socialise she lies about her whereabouts and doesn’t come home until hours later. I’m sick of giving her chance after chance to prove she can be sensible and mature for her to let me down every single time.
something happened at school recently (too outing to explain as there are other parents on here who live in my town, it isn’t serious but enough to knock her confidence) she had severe repercussions for it. She is now being picked on for this situation and has 1-1 counselling in school to help her through it. I have been as supportive as possible and offered advice and 1-1 time to get our bond back, yet she throws it in my face by calling me names and damaging things.
many friends who have similar age children, even my niece the same age as her, are all close with their mums and are respectful and sensible. My daughter has no care for her education and no respect for anyone around her.
i feel like I must be the worst parent In the world to have a daughter who behaves so appallingly at times and I don’t know what else to do.
I’ve requested help which has never worked because she refuses to co operate. I’ve considered contacting social services for help because some days I can’t bare to look at her and wish she’d leave. Her school are sick of her and ring me at least 2 times a day to inform me of something else she has done that broke rules.
the sad thing is my mum felt the same about me (although my behaviour was perfect due to fear from a violent childhood I never left my room or spoke) we had no bond or relationship at all and went NC when I was 19. I worry this is going the same way or I just can’t parent correctly because of how I was raised. I just don’t know what to do. There isn’t anyone who could have her temporarily so I get a break and she can’t be trusted alone for very long.
has anyone else had a difficult relationship with their teen and how did you mend it? Is this just normal behaviour she will grow out of or do I have bigger issues at hand?

I’m so sorry, I don’t really have any advice as my children are much younger and I haven’t gone through the teenage bit yet. I just want to say that it is not because you are a bad mum. If you were a bad mum you wouldn’t be on here looking for help. Have you been into the school to see if they can suggest a way to help with your daughters behaviour? Is there a chance she is struggling at school and so is acting up to cover this up? I’m sorry I can’t be of more help. X

It’s interesting isn’t it ,because as women generally now in society we’re supposed to be well informed about how to spot and avoid abusive relationships. You have obviously worked on yourself in this direction as you say you’ve gone nc with parents to escape domestic violence .so it’s completely counterintuitive, having to continue a relationship with a teen that is abusive, regardless of how their abuse escalates. I have no suggestions, only solidarity, it’s absolute hell.

I’m sorry things are so hard. There is a thread on here which you will find a lot of people are going through similar issues if that helps.
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/teenagers/struggling-with-having-a-teen-daughter-who-is-strugglinghaving-issues-support-thread

Thank you all for your kind words. School have been useless and just issue sanctions to her. The counsellor is from outside help who spends a day a week with her. Her education is generally fine, she’s on target with all of her lessons but she has no interest so she won’t do homework for example. It feels like this stage will never end, I can’t accept she is the same lovely child she used to be. I just can’t wait for the teen stage to be over and hope our relationship isn’t ruined for when she’s an adult.

I recommend the book Untangled by Lisa Damour. Really helpful balanced advice.

How unwalkable is unwalkable?
Because I would personally let her work that bit out herself.

All behaviour is communication.

Something is stopping her from engaging in school life and the sanctions being what turns it around for her.

Problem is when teens get stuck in this rut everyone then notices all the bad they do and it becomes almost pointless doing the good because no one notices it.

I'd try and go for a complete reset.

Give her chores to earn the phone. Small targets to earn privileges. Help her see the positives in compliance. Also set some time to spend 1:1. So whatever her behaviour still take her out for a coffee just the 2 of you and try and talk. Start with music she likes etc.

You can do this because you're a fan mum who clearly wants to help her.

You need to dig deep together and change your belief systems which control how you act and react to each other. Family therapy would be so so helpful. Is there any way you could afford it privately? If not then push hard to get it through NHS with social services and school support. It can be fixed but you are in a communication/ behavioural rut and it needs rerouting.

Teens can be blooming awful at times and it’s correct, all behaviour is communication. She sounds so unhappy and trapped in school where she doesn’t want to be. The incident at school seems to have created trauma and yet she has to be in that environment every school day. Personally I’d take the pressure off with homework and school related punishments, leaving school issues for school to remedy and maintain home as a safe sanctuary. Aim to focus on all the small things she does right. Lots of praise and appreciation where possible, no comparisons with her sister, lots of kindness and listening. Also help her find something that she will truly enjoy post gcse, something meaningful to her which will hopefully motivate.

Unfortunately I think you spiralled into a loop with her. I've had one difficult daughter and one very easy one. You sound like you impose sanctions yourself. Those obviously don't work so stop. Sit her down. Tell her you love her and it's time to talk. Listen to her and respond. If she's in pain and she will be. Try and help. If you can't then you need support of a counsellor. She's absolutely sensing your feelings and whilst she's doing that things will never be good. She will grow out of it but that doesn't mean her relationship with you will improve unless you improve it as you are the parent.

"Your child needs you most when you like them least".

I dont remember who posted that on mumsnet but it is what got me through the teenage years. Ask the school if they will call in an educational psychologist to assess why she is so unhappy at school. Their job is to educate her and it sounds like they are failing her at present.

Would she like to move schools and is that feasible for you? Can you find her a job to give her some independence or get her involved in something like St John where she will be with other adults who are good role models.

I forgot to say - my niece was like this. Intelligent girl but bored at school, missed lessons and was generally a pain. Still managed to pass her exams. Years on and she is married (seems to be happily), good job, but difficult teenage son. She now understands what her mother went through with her. Most teenagers do grow out of it, takes some longer than others.

Can she really not walk home? DD sometimes walks back out of choice. It take her around an hour and 15 mins. That would be good natural consequences.

Mine are younger but I find doubling down on love is the only thing they respond best to. Punishments make them more defiant. They behave worst when they are feeling worse. I do too really. I’ve behaved at my worst at the most broken time of my life.

No advice. Its so hard. But I have been there i fejt I had totally lost control, she was vile

Now we the best of friends we have a brilliant relationship. The best!

Hang in there. It'll be so different when she leaves to go to uni etc.

I had one that was heading that way. Was very difficult. I was having therapy for my own difficult relationship with my mother and i found it enormously helpful.
I too doubled down on love, let go of expectations from her and attempted to reconnect. I imagine it would have been twice as hard had smartphones been available. She wouldn't really chat with me but I found car journeys useful with her as captive audience. You seem to have got to a stalemate. I also home educated for a while as the cool kid gang at school had an awful effect on her.
Worst times were 14/15. Gradually improved and we have a lovely adult to adult relationship now she's in her late 20s.
Highly recommended finding a really solid decent psychotherapist for you, if you can possibly afford it, as most people around me thought i was too lax with my daughter, but we were working on her not self sabotaging and simply surviving into adulthood.
I know how hard it is - my daughter could make anything I said into an argument. It's tough, particularly when you haven't had decent parenting modelled by your own mother!

Love this post!

@Maddy70 did you do anything specific to help the situation or did it just improve with time?

I suppose I stopped fighting. I gave up. Gave her less to rebel against. I'm not saying that's the best thing as she definitely needed boundaries but I do think maybe I started to pick my battles better (because I was utterly exhausted!)

I remembered that she was underneath it all a funny , caring person. She was super with her aging grandfather and I think I started noticing the good. I laughed with her instead of fighting her. I started to confide in her regarding my dad's failing health and we had something in common. The rest is history.

This is helpful to me today.

Solidarity to anyone struggling with teenager girls today.

Go to your gp and request to be put om list for family therapy. It takes months and months to come hrough anyway.

I just wanted to comment as someone who relates a lot to the daughter for anyone who like me, finds this thread later. My mum had a lot of trauma from her mum and hadn’t had therapy. She was triggered by innocent things I said, assuming I was intentionally trying to push her buttons. I was so exhausted tiptoeing around her and still ended up pissing her off anyway. All she saw was my reaction to her and couldn’t see that it always started with her interpreting me badly. It might not be the same but I would strongly recommend ruling out any of your own unconscious issues just in case there’s something there. I had a very hard time building healthy platonic and romantic relationships because of this, and had some bad experiences in part because of the unhealthy blueprints and self image I integrated from the teenage years with my mum. It wasn’t until my 30s and getting treatment after escaping an abusive relationship that I was able to rewire these patterns. We have a good relationship now and I wish we could have worked this out when I was younger.