Will son ever come back

[Hevyd]

So my 16 year old son has decided to live with his dad. He has always had him on a pedestal even though he has let him down numerous times. He says he has no problems at home just wants to be with his dad, I understand this but inside I am breaking!
His dad lives hundreds of miles away so it's not like I can just see him often.
Has anyone any experience of this?
I want what's best for him and if that means being with his dad I'll have to accept it but when I suggested a trial period my ex said no it's for good demanded his birth certificate and wants to get him a new gp, dentist etc straight away.
This I feel is pushing my son into a huge decision too soon.

Oh, I really feel for you and I also think you need to let this happen and support it. If son will be long way away he’ll need to be under a local GP etc etc. Sounds like you ex maybe having a dig by the ‘forever’ comments? The reality is in a short space of time your son might be choosing to live completely independently. If you can support him and let him go with your blessing I think this is the best way forward to ensure you preserve a good relationship with your son. No suggestions from you ex isn’t a fit parent? Also, is relationship with your son generally good? He’s not leaving under a cloud is he?

You poor thing, I really feel for you esp as I also have a son who idolises his dad - mine is much younger but …

as hard as it will be I think I you’ve got to let him try it, the reality may not be as good as the fantasy and he may not stay long. Swallow hard and make it easy for your son, and that way he’ll know he can change his mind and come back when he needs to.

hugs xxx

Why shouldn’t he? You seem to think you have more rights than his DF.

Keep in touch with him. Tell him you love him and he is always welcome in your home, any time.

No, it’s a public forum. If a 16 year old wants to choose who they live with then they can 🤷‍♀️

@SecretVictoria Show me where OP said he can't?

OP despite this being painful I think it will all be fine in the end. Perhaps your Son just wants to deepen his relationship with his Dad, he’s growing older and nearing ‘manhood’ so this makes sense.
I would play the long game, continue to be loving and supportive, tell him he always has a home back with you, keep in touch via text/ whattsapp keep it all upbeat etc.
my Son is also 16, me and his Dad are together but he’s started saying he wants to move out at 17. Whilst we don’t want that we’ve said we respect if that is his decision will do what we can to support from a distance etc, both me and his Dad moved out at 16/17 respectively and built independence!

Keep the lines of communication open, loving and supportive. You always have a home here, whenever you need it. Make plans to see him regularly and talk to him about how often you would like to talk. Talk to him about how he wants to make decisions about school / college / work and remind him you are there for him, every minute of every day, just like you have been for the past 16 years. Ask him if he wants to change GP, make things permanent or if he wants to have a trial run. Remind him that things can change and you will support him if he decides he wants to come back. I moved every 6 months for 4 years between 17 and 21, new GP whenever I needed it. Nothing is set in stone.

It is earlier than you might have be planning, but keeping your relationship strong is your priority.

I would be breaking too.

Thankyou xx

@Hevyd i completely understand and am going through the exact same thing at the moment, but with my daughter. She has decided to move to be with her dad who lives 3 hours away (he left to be with a woman he was having an affair with). I completely get how scary it feels as it will be seeing them every day to seeing them hardly ever (I have 3 other children so it would be very difficult driving up there and back). I hope you’re ok x

I also have to other children here and being as he will be on the Isle of Wight I will probably hardly see him at all. Hopefully they will come back to us one day x

I am so sorry, you must feel really hurt. All I can think is that it will take a bit of time for your ex-husband to be fed up with the responsibility and for your son to realise exactly what his dad is like. Just bide your time. Keep in touch with your son, send him messages every day telling him little things about the family and don't criticise your ex at all. He will come back to you, don't worry 💐

If your ex is like mine, he wants your boy now as he thinks all the hard graft is done and a 16 year old would be self sufficient. I’m sure their eyes will be opened when they realise how needy teens still are

Yes he's only ever had him for 1 week a year he doesn't even really know him or his needs x

If he is 16 then he's just done GCSEs?

Why not say: OK go for the summer, apply for college there as well as here (or whatever) and then finalise choice after GCSE results.

Your ex making it all or nothing is being an idiot, but you know that. Not the end of the world if your DS changes doctors and then changes back, but I wouldn't necessarily facilitate it at this point.

I know the IOW well - gorgeous in summer and full of fun. Much quieter in the winter. I know teenagers who left to go to university and then found it too small when they came home for holidays. Be patient!

I remember watching an online video where the psychologist suggested it could be a rite of passage for a young man to go and live with his father. By preventing it you could be hindering an important time for him. So whilst I can understand your hurt, I would try my best to be positive and let him go.

My friend's son did this at around the same age. He lasted 6 months and then came home because he realised his Dad was a waste of space. In a way it paid off, my friend had been careful not to slag him off or say how useless he was.

Her son ended up appreciating his mum a whole lot more. He is now almost 30 and ended up back with his Mum till his early 20s!

Yes, bide your time.
You don't have to do anything re birth certificate, or GP.
Don't take him off the dentist list as getting an NHS one is impossible these days. Make him go for an appointment just before he goes. Make sure he goes annually- he'll be automatically removed if he doesn't go for 2 years.
If ex wants to register him at his doctor, let him deal with it, and he can apply for a copy of his birth certificate for a tenner. Not your problem. Or you could give it to DS but he'll lose it! It's not a big deal, they are replaceable.
Maybe you can book a train for DS to visit in about 6 weeks time?
It's really hard for you with him being so far away, but maybe he'd be off to university in a few years anyway. And on that subject, maybe check how a student loan will be affected by who he lives with at the time if applying.

I'd let him go. I don't think it will take long before he realises the grass isn't greener. Tell him he can come back anytime he wants.

He finishes G.c.s.e's tomorrow and my ex is coming for him Saturday morning. Like he couldn't wait to take him and taking him before our other son's 18th birthday next Wednesday which has hurt him too.

And your son will eventually work that out. Give it time... he'll be back.

I'd let him go but tell him he's welcome back any time. You don't need to give dad any documents like birth certificate, he can order his own copy.

What is your 16 year-old's view on this? Missing his brother's birthday rather than waiting a week?