Page 2 | Will son ever come back

Hevyd · 2023-06-14T09:01:16+00:00

So my 16 year old son has decided to live with his dad. He has always had him on a pedestal even though he has let him down numerous times. He says he has no problems at home just wants to be with his dad, I understand this but inside I am breaking! His dad lives hundreds of miles away so it's not like I can just see him often. Has anyone any experience of this? I want what's best for him and if that means being with his dad I'll have to accept it but when I suggested a trial period my ex said no it's for good demanded his birth certificate and wants to get him a new gp, dentist etc straight away. This I feel is pushing my son into a huge decision too soon.

MissyB1 · 15/06/2023 16:19

Oh my ds did this at 16, he was back a year later. He learned an awful lot about his dad during that year….. I just kept in close touch and he visited often especially for big occasions, birthdays Xmas etc.

Anyway it all came good and he and I have a great relationship. Try not to worry just keep being a great supportive mum.

caringcarer · 15/06/2023 16:48

OP my eldest son told me he wanted to.livr with his Dad at 16, as soon as he left school. He had started at college and was going everyday and seemed to be enjoying the course. Then he went to his Dad's who lived in the countryside about 15 miles away. He promised our son he would drive him in and out to college every day. I drove over once a fortnight and collected our son from the end of the lane, took him out for a meal and a chat. Then dropped him back. I was sad he didn't want to stay living with me and his younger brother but accepted it was his decision. After about 4 months I was chatting with our son on the phone and he said he wasn't sure he could meet me at the weekend but could not say why. I drove around on Saturday, and rang our son to say I was at the end of the lane and he came out very upset. It turned out he knew his Dad was drinking huge amounts. He had moved in with his Dad because he was terrified his Dad would choke on his own vomit. He showed me the house which had virtually no food in the fridge. His Dad had passed out drunk. I also found out he had quit college as his Dad was too drunk to drive him. Our son came home with me that day. He had to wait until the new college year to go back to college though. He had lost touch with his friends too as his Dad had not kept to his promises to drive him in at weekends to see friends. If I hadn't driven over that Saturday, I might not have found out for ages as my son was taking over responsibility for his pathetic Dad. I had not even been aware exh was drinking so much as I never saw him and son had not discussed it with me. You cannot imagine how angry I was with exh.

AgathaSpencerGregson · 15/06/2023 16:50

SecretVictoria · 14/06/2023 10:26

Why shouldn’t he? You seem to think you have more rights than his DF.

This isn’t about parents rights and the OP didn’t suggest it was. She loves her DS and she’s allowed to be sad.

AgathaSpencerGregson · 15/06/2023 16:51

caringcarer · 15/06/2023 16:48

OP my eldest son told me he wanted to.livr with his Dad at 16, as soon as he left school. He had started at college and was going everyday and seemed to be enjoying the course. Then he went to his Dad's who lived in the countryside about 15 miles away. He promised our son he would drive him in and out to college every day. I drove over once a fortnight and collected our son from the end of the lane, took him out for a meal and a chat. Then dropped him back. I was sad he didn't want to stay living with me and his younger brother but accepted it was his decision. After about 4 months I was chatting with our son on the phone and he said he wasn't sure he could meet me at the weekend but could not say why. I drove around on Saturday, and rang our son to say I was at the end of the lane and he came out very upset. It turned out he knew his Dad was drinking huge amounts. He had moved in with his Dad because he was terrified his Dad would choke on his own vomit. He showed me the house which had virtually no food in the fridge. His Dad had passed out drunk. I also found out he had quit college as his Dad was too drunk to drive him. Our son came home with me that day. He had to wait until the new college year to go back to college though. He had lost touch with his friends too as his Dad had not kept to his promises to drive him in at weekends to see friends. If I hadn't driven over that Saturday, I might not have found out for ages as my son was taking over responsibility for his pathetic Dad. I had not even been aware exh was drinking so much as I never saw him and son had not discussed it with me. You cannot imagine how angry I was with exh.

thats a sad story, but what a lovely, caring boy you clearly have.

YoucancallmeKAREN · 15/06/2023 16:53

You find he is home by Christmas. The grass is rarely greener.

Runnerduck34 · 15/06/2023 16:57

That sounds hard and youre allowed to feel sad whilst still supporting your son. A friend of mine was in a similar situation and her daughter soon realised grass wasnt always greener, support him but keep the door open, chat on the phone and visit as much as you can.
Dont give dad birth certificate, say he can order a new copy .
Does DS want to go on saturday before his brothers birthday? Ex does sound controlling.. the trial period was a sensible idea.

inloveandmarried · 15/06/2023 17:00

Establish a good way of communicating before he leaves. Messaging, WhatsApp, Skype. Practice using this before he goes. Establish short messaging alongside.

Get duplicates of his full birth certificate and keep one. It's not hard to reinstate GP and other services if he arrives back home.

I'd not de-register with any services. Just don't do anything.

It's likely he'll last a while then realise it's not all roses. I'd be surprised if he doesn't come home at some point.

inloveandmarried · 15/06/2023 17:03

Needed to add, if he starts a college course in the next year and changes his mind, he can restart another without penalty and get it funded until 19.

So if he starts a college course then changes his mind and returns to you he can start again at college near you.

It takes the pressure off if you both know his education won't be affected.

Original poster

Hevyd · 15/06/2023 17:40

He just got it in his head he's got to go on Saturday and that's that!

OP posts:

Original poster

Hevyd · 16/06/2023 07:19

That's awful, apparently my ex does not drink anymore but he is a compulsive liar so who knows?
My son wants to go and know for himself what his dad is really like and unfortunately now he is 16 and done g.c.s.e's I can't and won't stop him.
All he's ever done is let my kids down, he promised my 18 year old his old car but then said he's sold it now so I cannot see any change.
Everyone around me says it won't last.
I just want him to be happy wherever he is tbh, even though it's killing me!

OP posts: