Found out i have a 12yr old daughter.

[MrRootBeer]

Hi all,

I don't even know where to begin but let's start by saying, i am a dad.

I have 5 DDs with the same partner who I've been with for 12 years.

Before my current partner, i was with my ex who fell pregnant in 2009. Unfortunately there was a potential 2nd father which happened just before we got together. Unfortunately i didn't know this and about a month later we broke up because it would turn out that everyone inc my ex thought that this baby wasn't mine.

Flash forward to 2013 & i get contacted by my ex to tell me this lil girl is going into care and court wants a paternity test. I asked why obviously from what was said in 2009 but was never given an answer. In sept 2013, i was approached by social services and i said no matter what happens, this girl cannot go into care and can come live with us regardless of paternity test at this stage. (No child should be put into the system if it can be helped).

I chased and chased regarding this and the paternity test & social services said its all been sorted out now so i took that as they found the real father.

Flash forward to 2023, I'm on FB and i find out that my ex passed way a year before. Naturally i reconnected with old friends we shared as a way for me to kind of mourn i guess you could say & i find out that the paternity was revolved in that the potential father was ruled out and i was this girls father!

I was furious about this, i was told that i should contact this girls caregiver (my exs mum) because they last heard, she took the care back in 2013.

It turns out that social services said i refused 4 paternity tests when i wasnt even sent one request for one during the whole process.

My whole world just came crashing down, I've raised 5 DDs while this poor girl had no father her whole life. A wash of guilt and sorrow just crashed over me like a tidal wave that I've cried for the last few nights about this.

I called social services about this case and it turns out i was named as the father in the case & get this NO RECORD OF PATERNITY TESTS BEING REQUESTED OR REFUSED.

So this poor girl, all she knew of me for her life was a guy who turned his back on her.

My exes mum called me up the other day and we spoke for a long time and we explained both our sides of what happened and we are both very angry at social services for failing their part in 2013.

I got to speak to this girl whose now my 6th DD for the first time ever.

Basically now, I've no idea what to expect, how to even move forward here & how can social get away with this. Granted my ex should have told me that the 2nd father was ruled out but she didn't want to break up my current relationship & was told that i refused 4 paternity tests when i didn't even know they were requested.

It makes me feel sick and now I'm just terrified of whats to come.

Sorry for the long post, all this has happened within the space of 8 days so I'm rather overwhelmed.

That’s an absolute disgrace. Was the child going into care because of the mother's health?

get her in regular therapy, and family therapy. All you can do is provide the stable safe environment she needs

I think it's a disgrace but overly focusing on the past will do you or your daughter no good.

I think you should start to build a relationship with her and your ex's mum. Slowly and at her speed and comfort level. Moving her in with you and her 5 siblings is probably not the best move immediately as she needs to get to know your first. It also wouldn't be fair on the lady who raised her etc.to have her taken away abruptly, unless she is struggling or in ill health.

I'm sorry the system let you both down and hope you can build a fantastic relationship over time.

I'm not sure from what you have written, but please do get a paternity test.

Oh gosh. So sorry to read this. Awful. I echo the other advice that you need to establish the right facts for yourself and get your own paternity test ASAP then gently navigate forwards from there.

I think you still need to get a paternity test as just because one guy is allegedly ruled out doesn't mean it's definitely you. I think it's been unwise to introduce yourself to this girl without having done this. Very upsetting if it also turns out not to be you after you've spoken. Yes SS have made mistakes but there have been missed opportunities on your part too by just making assumptions rather than find out actual facts so all you can do now is move forward once you know for sure

Hi,

So to answer questions:

The girl was taken into care in 2013 because my ex was with a violent partner.

I have no plans to move her in with us, she is with her grandma who is her primary caregiver.

There only was ever another man & i that was concerned. The girl in question does want a paternity test done so we are going to look at that.

There are a lot of questions surrounding what happened in 2013 such as why didn't the mother tell me potential dad was ruled out? Why did no one contact me to order paternity testing? Why didn't i follow up when told it was all sorted?

I can't live in regret i understand but it hurts massively that i missed so much. I really i hope i can form an amazing relationship with this girl. I am preparing to assess the sacrifices that I'll need to make to help make this work.

Thanks for everyones answers, i appreciate it and i have never been as scared in my life as i am right now.

Congratulations!

After so much pain and misunderstanding and shock and anger...things sound promising.

Your ex's mum and you are firming a relationship.

There's going to be no custody battle.

Your wife is being supportive.

Five girls are used to sisters...so hopefully will not be too phased by another...and overtime those relationships can grow.

You have determination.

I suggest you'll never get a straight answer from social services. It may be best to leave that. Accept that terrible mistakes were made and lies told through incompetence and fear rather than malice.

Six daughters! Congratulations. A shock but hopefully the start of something positive for you all.

I

You can't focus on the past. You need to look forward.

Firstly get the DNA test, just to be sure.

Secondly take it slowly
Get to know the girl and her grandma.

Thirdly get professional help

At 12 she's possibly moving schools too so already has a lot on her plate and she's bound to be grieving for her DMum, regardless of anything Mum is still important.

You need professional support with all of this. And on how to introduce the children and integrate them.

It's not natural for a sibling to appear at the top of a family, which is why when people are looking to adopt they'll only place a child who's younger than any other children in the family.

Different circumstances but same effect it needs careful handling on how you introduce the children to avoid ruffling feathers and unsettling them all.

Update:

DNA test all sorted to be done this week with results by the weekend.

There is absolutely no rush here, i don't want to put any undue stress on her.

Professional help would be ideal however, costly & something we are likely not able to afford.

She is in her 2nd year of secondary school but yes, she'll have a lot of grief inside bless her.

I will be throughly researching and seeking advice each step. My partner and i have discussed this openly and daily every evening about concerns, outcomes, scenarios and we can discuss how we may handle it and what each action may affect another etc.

There has been a lot of thought into this so we are taking each day as it comes.

Can social work or school not provide any help?

This, I would be pushing SS in particular for all the support you can get, it's the absolute least they can do in the circumstances.

You have to understand here, this girl was put into care. She watched SS almost destroy her mum at a very young age. I've missed so much over SS's incompetence however, while i may be able to overcome that, this young girl is absolutely terrified of so much as whispering the words SS.

There has been so much emotional damage caused here that SS would be the last resort for any of us right now.

She (the girl) has requested that i keep all authorities out of this while we work out how this journey begins.

You sound like such a caring person who's willing to have her in your life and that you're feeling so sad you missed out on giving her a different life with you and your family

It's very touching to read and I hope it all works out

At least now you know the truth and have spoken to her and her grandmother

That's absolutely understandable OP, just appalled at how badly SS have let her (and you) down

I don't know what to say other than you sound like a lovely person and I'm sure your new daughter will be grateful for the love and support you will show her going forward. What's happened has happened and can't be changed. Therapy for her either alone or together might help her process her turbulent upbringing so far and help her to get over what's happened. Good luck.

This must have been a big shock to you but I have to say, you are handling this so well. The way you speak of her potential daughter, your ex, the grandparent is lovely. You sound very caring and the perfect person to be in this young girls life. It’s also great that you and your partner speak to openly about this.

I fully understand not wanting to push things with ss as to not upset the young girl. She is settled and will obviously have previous trauma and grief to work through.

I am appalled and disgusted with ss and their overall lack of care. When you are all ready I would certainly be pushing this with them as that young girl could have had a stable family to be there for her instead of being messed around. I imagine you would have also been a comforting and strong person for your ex. Ss have failed your daughter.

I hope for this young girls sake that you are the father as it sounds like when all is ready, you are able to provide such a good, loving life for her.

This is all so sad. Unnecessary. You should ask for a copy of the SS file. I bet it will unearth more lies. Poor you, poor her.

I am so sorry this has happened op. Adding on all the good advice above, I would say submit a subject access request for your self and perhaps your daughter's grandma can submit one - as her guardian. See what that might unearth. Good luck, you should like a really good dad.

I think you are doing your best @MrRootBeer

Id just say please bear your other dds in mind as well as your current partner. This will be a huge upheaval fir them too.

I really wish you’ll find a a great way forward. The DNA test is great and imo needed fir everyone leave of mind.
And great if you can have a good relationship with your ex’s mum too. It’s nit going to be an easy time for your dd (being a teen mixed with loosing her mum, the social care and you reappearing is enough to destabilise anyone)

Final Update?

This'll probably be the final update since you all took the time to respond, i want ti let you know what's happened since.

Paternity test came back as a match, we are father & daughter. We have spoken on the phone and we have met up & we're meeting again. We now speak via text & calls.

On Sunday, out of the blue while she was out with friends, she messaged me a happy fathers day which really blew me away i nearly cried.

I won't go into detail but we (my daughter, her grandma & myself) spoke at length about a lot of things related to how we are where we are now & a lot about moving forward for about 4hrs.

I think we're on the right path to a happy, healthy father/daughter relationship & our next challenge is introducing her to her sisters. We know we have a slow journey ahead that will require a lot of patience but just like my other girls, she's 10000% worth it.

Thank you all for your comments and advice, i feel venting and hearing your input helped form part of my overall wellness in handling this situation & I'm so over the moon that this has turned out as well as it has so far. 😊

Please contact a solicitor, it sounds as though you would have a case.

Fantastic news OP

Best wishes OP to you and your daughter. Hope it all works out well for you all. X

Lovely update!