Found out i have a 12yr old daughter.

[MrRootBeer]

Hi all,

I don't even know where to begin but let's start by saying, i am a dad.

I have 5 DDs with the same partner who I've been with for 12 years.

Before my current partner, i was with my ex who fell pregnant in 2009. Unfortunately there was a potential 2nd father which happened just before we got together. Unfortunately i didn't know this and about a month later we broke up because it would turn out that everyone inc my ex thought that this baby wasn't mine.

Flash forward to 2013 & i get contacted by my ex to tell me this lil girl is going into care and court wants a paternity test. I asked why obviously from what was said in 2009 but was never given an answer. In sept 2013, i was approached by social services and i said no matter what happens, this girl cannot go into care and can come live with us regardless of paternity test at this stage. (No child should be put into the system if it can be helped).

I chased and chased regarding this and the paternity test & social services said its all been sorted out now so i took that as they found the real father.

Flash forward to 2023, I'm on FB and i find out that my ex passed way a year before. Naturally i reconnected with old friends we shared as a way for me to kind of mourn i guess you could say & i find out that the paternity was revolved in that the potential father was ruled out and i was this girls father!

I was furious about this, i was told that i should contact this girls caregiver (my exs mum) because they last heard, she took the care back in 2013.

It turns out that social services said i refused 4 paternity tests when i wasnt even sent one request for one during the whole process.

My whole world just came crashing down, I've raised 5 DDs while this poor girl had no father her whole life. A wash of guilt and sorrow just crashed over me like a tidal wave that I've cried for the last few nights about this.

I called social services about this case and it turns out i was named as the father in the case & get this NO RECORD OF PATERNITY TESTS BEING REQUESTED OR REFUSED.

So this poor girl, all she knew of me for her life was a guy who turned his back on her.

My exes mum called me up the other day and we spoke for a long time and we explained both our sides of what happened and we are both very angry at social services for failing their part in 2013.

I got to speak to this girl whose now my 6th DD for the first time ever.

Basically now, I've no idea what to expect, how to even move forward here & how can social get away with this. Granted my ex should have told me that the 2nd father was ruled out but she didn't want to break up my current relationship & was told that i refused 4 paternity tests when i didn't even know they were requested.

It makes me feel sick and now I'm just terrified of whats to come.

Sorry for the long post, all this has happened within the space of 8 days so I'm rather overwhelmed.

Congratulations MrRootBeer, I'm so glad your daughter has a father who cares. Good luck to all of you.

You don’t have to involve social care but could consider a complaint or legal case and ask them to fund counselling as part of that. Not just now but in future eg when she has her own children it’s likely a lot of stuff about her past will get stirred up especially if she’s never worked through it with a professional.

Wishing you and your daughter all the very best.

That’s a lovely update. I’m so happy this girl has you and her grandmother in her life.

I wish you all the best for the future!

Lovely update, I'm sure this will work out well for all of you, good luck

Oh the father's day message has made me tear up. Best of luck xx

I’ve only just seen your thread but wish you all the luck in the world building a relationship with your daughter. Its great that your partner is supportive and understanding - that will be invaluable to you and your DD.

In case it’s useful, I would seriously advise keeping your (justified) fury at SS and entirely separate from your relationship with your DD and not worry her with any action you might take in that regard (maybe talk to a legal clinic about what you could do at this point to hold them accountable?) There’s no need to involve them in your DDs life now unless it’s to her advantage. I’m sure three competent adults can figure this out without her having to have dealings with any authority she may understandably distrust.

The same goes for you relationship with her GM, who you may have some anger towards either now or later, given all that happened. Hopefully, from what you’ve said, you’ll be able to resolve that between you and focus on the future. But don’t beat yourself up if you have a whole load of difficult feelings to manage yourself as things move forward. Don’t forget about making sure you’re ok as it’s clear you’ll also need, and want, to be there for a lot of other people at the same time - basically the principle of putting your oxygen mask on first. Getting some personal therapy via your GP might be worthwhile, or see if there’s any organisation/charity out there which could help, so you have a neutral place to vent your feelings away from your nearest family.

All the very best

You sound like a lovely dad, hope all goes well in the future OP ☺️

What a lovely update. I hope you all go on to have a successful relationship.

It all sounds fairly positive.

The hardest bit is going to be introducing her to her sisters. And to avoid them feeling pushed out.
Feathers are bound to feel ruffled as the oldest is no longer the oldest. The pecking order has changed.
And they have to now share you with a whole other daughter, be very careful to avoid jealously issues.

You also need to watch out for the impact on the family finances.

Good luck with all of it. SS really did drop the ball and should at least help support all of you through the next steps

This made my eyes well up with tears 😭
I'm so angry on your behalf that SS denied both yourself and your daughter from being in each others lives as she grew up for 12 whole years, and the trauma that the poor girl went through during that time. Glad that grandmother was able to step in so that your daughter wasn't placed in foster care with complete strangers nor the same with adoption, as she might have been more difficult to track down.
But I'm so glad that you have a happy outcome to this, and now know each other, and hopefully form a good bond with each other and her new half-sisters.
You sound like a very loving and caring father.
I know it can't change the past, but definitely try to put in a formal complaint about SS, to hopefully prevent others from going through the same.
My family also has traumatic and stressful experiences of SS trying to break up a family.
Thankfully, it's come to a good result after over a year of courts.
How are things a year on?
Be interested to know, if you feel like another update.
Big hugs to your whole family.
xx

6 daughters? Wow!
I have 3 and that's hard work enough
I wish you and your daughter the very, very best.