DS in bed all day

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My DS uses his bed as his command centre and is spending 16 hours a day in it. He's not depressed or anything, he just really likes bed - warm, cosy etc. It's driving me completely mad as it's so unhealthy but he just won't budge. The average day is that he wakes up, goes to school, walks in the door after school, strips off to his underwear and goes straight into bed not emerging until he has to go to school the next day apart from to eat. All of his exam revision as been done from bed, even though right next to his bed he has a massive desk and an ergonomic chair. He tells me the chair is uncomfortable which I don't believe for a minute. When he's not in his bed, he's in mine - and I've also got a massive desk in my room and an even better desk chair. I've told him that what' he's doing is completely unacceptable and very unhealthy but he doesn't take a blind bit of notice. He also has a preference for totally crap food which drives me mad even more. If chocolate/biscuits are bought he hoovers them up - I now lock them in a filing cabinet which seems ridiculous. As I said above, he's not depressed. He's happy as larry, has a great bunch of friends and does get out of bed to go out with them. Does absolutely no exercise though. He's about 6' 2'' and before zooming up in height, he was a bit overweight which he acquired during lockdown (we don't have a garden and we both became a bit sloth like at that point). Getting tall has stretched him out so he's now back in the normal range weight-wise but I'm watching him like a hawk to see if the weight is going to start creeping back on (he doesn't know I'm doing that). I've tried a) telling him that staying in bed is completely unacceptable and b) getting really angry which gets him out of bed on that day but he's back in the next day. I've contemplated locking all of the bedding in the car and when his exams end (which seems ridiculous), I'm thinking of breaking down is pocket money (£10 a week) into daily amounts that he loses if he a) spends too long in bed and b) doesn't do any exercise - we have a swimming pool 2 minutes away and I want him to do 20 lengths a day to start getting back into fitness (he's a great swimmer). On the food side of things, I was also thinking of starting Hello Fresh (or one of those things) so that we could cook meals together to draw him away from the crap he buys when he has money. Please wise people out there - what would you do in this situation.

I can see your concerns about health, fitness etc but if he’s doing exams currently I’d be inclined to cut him lots of slack at the moment and let him be. At least he’s revising and maybe the bed thing is just helping him be calm etc.

Leave him alone he’s doing exams and is doing his revision where he’s comfortable. At least he’s revising. You can try and encourage him to exercise but you really expect a teenager to be ok with you specifying exactly what exercise is good for him and how much?

Leave him alone. He’s 16! This is what they are like 16. Mine was like this. He’s a normal working person now.

Maybe he doesn’t want to swim 20 lengths? Why are you managing his life? He’s nearly an adult. He’s got all his life to swim 20 lengths and get up at a normal time.

All teens hoover biscuits. Once they’re gone, they’re gone. Locking them up will cause food issues. Leave him alone. You sound horribly controlling.

I never thought of myself as 'horribly controlling' as I am letting him stay in bed most of the time and especially during exams. He also has massive amounts of freedom. Re: the hoovering up of biscuits/chocolate, I'm talking multipacks of chocolate bars vanishing in two days - 3-4 bars a day - I just worry that he'll think that's OK and will develop terrible eating habits. Also I don't want him to put weight on again as he found that upsetting last time. Surely our role as parents even with (pretty immature) 16 year olds is to guide them???

I take your point about swimming but I guess my thinking was that it was the least onerous given that it's so close. I just know if I leave it to him, he won't do any. He really likes the easy life. Take your point that he might grow out of it.

He sounds fine to be honest and getting on with exams, going to school etc. Do all teenage boys not eat like 3/4 chocolate bars/packs of biscuits a day lol. My super skinny 16 year old does.

It's his chrysalis, a stage that he will emerge from eventually.

Thanks for your reassuring messages about if just being a phase! Keeping fingers crossed.

You are micro managing?
hes happy as larry
has friends
goes out with them
doing his homework
not depressed

you are creating worries !!!
he may become overweight - he may not ??

I agree with PP, he will eventually stop using the bed so much. However: I never ever studied at a desk, wrote everything on the floor, read textbooks lying on my bed. Could do some math homework type stuff at a desk, but could not study that way. Now I type on a sofa. Yes, in my office I use a desk, but only because it's not socially acceptable to lie on the floor. If I had been made to study at a desk, I would have been quite upset.

Stop micromanaging him! You sound very controlling watching everything he does and what he eats. He sounds like a pretty normal 16-year-old and the fact he's happy speaks volumes, so leave him be and be thankful for that he is.

Does he have anywhere else in the house that's his own space or is the alternative sitting in the living room with the rest of the family?

Only on mumsnet...a parent is controlling for having expectation that a teenager living at home and under 18 actually get up and do something other than lie around in bed

Exam period is not the time to be tackling this. I agree it's a chrysalis phase - he will emerge. Let go a bit, encourage healthy food and activity, but don't micromanage as it has the opposite effect. He sounds fine. Maybe attach the pocket money to doing things that will get him out or active eg cooking dinner, popping to the shop for you. Don't tell him it's because you want to get him out of bed!

I admit I also hide the biscuits and only put a small amount at a time in the cupboards, otherwise they are all gone on day one. My kids don't know I do that though.

I think because you are clearly on the case he's going to be just fine! You know what to look out for if things actually do become problematic, but for now, it's the same as when they were toddlers, it's just a phase, it will pass.

DD is on her bed most of the time recently to revise for her exams

I just let her get on with it

you're nagging him unnecessarily for this

I'd never do that to my DD she needs my unconditional support at the moment not my nagging voice in her ear on top of exam stress

That's just hideous behaviour actually from you

His room and bed is his safe space and you're invading it

Geez some of these responses are crazy. My 16 year old also goes through multi pack biscuits and crisps like pac man, I definitely dont see it as hideous or controlling behaviour to remind him it is a shared space and the food is for everyone, nor would I see encouraging him out of bed as controlling. However I also accept these things are out of my control unless I ration what biscuits/munchies I leave out , so I control what I can and give gentle nudges and accept it is but a stage that will pass like everything else.

Crazy responses, my son would baloon if he was allowed un bed all day every day eating junk. It is not micromanaging to ask for consideration that the food In the house is for everyone. Nor is it micromanaging to insist that a teen gets up for a portion of the day. Jeez. Mn has wierd ideas on teens here sometimes.

Let him get through his exams, if he's happy and well adjusted and revising then I'd take that for now.

Your fear underneath the John Lennon style bed-in seems to be that he will be fat, and unhealthy. Take some time to work out if your reaction is proportionate to the problem in reality, is that the worst thing that could happen to him, and why, and if so take some gentle steps towards it over the summer.

(Bed is pretty comfy, I think he's got a point there)

I’m 45 and work from my bed. In what way is that unacceptable?!

Presumably you don't spend all day in your bed? Presumably you take a break? I presume you're not eating multiple packs of bars when your working?

Some of these posts are really harsh. You don't sound controlling at all. Just a parent concerned about her son. And let's face it, plenty of lazy teenagers turn into lazy adults who don't exercise, eat well and get out and about.

It's easier to nip that in the bud when someone is younger than waiting til they're a fully fledged adult set in there ways.

His room is also in her home.

So does the op’s son. She’s said he goes out with friends. Presumably he goes to school etc. He isn’t in bed 24h a day. He doesn’t eat there. She just seems to think there’s something more virtuous about sitting at a desk than sitting in his bed.