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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

16yr old son moved in with 28yr old gf HELP!

26 replies

Dieseldoll · 10/06/2023 00:31

My DS has met a woman 12 years older, who has a 9yr old daughter and after dating for a week she’s told him he can move in! The police have said they won’t bring him home because we know where he is, he’s not missing and is 16. How is this ok? We are legally responsible for him until he’s 18. He won’t respond to our calls and said he doesn’t need us. 2 months ago he was in college, had a part time job and a gf who was also 16. Now he has dropped out of college (and they let him), quit his job and dumped his gf. Please can anyone give me any suggestions of how I can get my child home. He’s not seeing sense - because he’s a child! 😭

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 10/06/2023 00:54

Try social services - could investigate if she is grooming him

Original poster
Dieseldoll · 10/06/2023 01:08

Thank you - our SS are pretty useless but we’ve filled out a form anyway to report it. We were thinking the same thing to be honest.

OP posts:
VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 10/06/2023 01:09

Why is he so desperate to leave home? Why is she inviting him to become a teen cocklodger in her home? Does she want another child and knows that DS can be easily led into barebacking her because he's young and naive?

Care-leaving age is 16 so SS might not be able to do anything as he's too old to be their problem.

The Guardian view on the care-leaving age: teenagers are children too | Editorial

Editorial: There should be a national outcry about the government’s decision to withhold the entitlement to care from the over-15s

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2022/jan/31/the-guardian-view-on-the-care-leaving-age-teenagers-are-children-too

coxesorangepippin · 10/06/2023 01:12

He'll be there a week and come back

Sorry, I know this doesn't help

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 10/06/2023 01:13

I moved out at 18 because I really didn't like "D"SF. I felt like a stranger in my family home because he was there. At the time, I couldn't articulate why.

sr92 · 10/06/2023 01:14

This may be reallyyyy drastic BUT, do you know any info about this girl? People care a lot about there image these days especially in the social media age. If it was me I would let EVERYONE know especially her works (if she has a job) exactly what she's doing that she has a 16 year old BOY living with her after only knowing him a couple of weeks. Regardless of if he's 16 in the law they say they can't do anything, but any adult over maybe 25 can look back and know they were vulnerable maybe and still a child at 16. I would guarantee public humiliation would end that relationship real soon

Hawkins0001 · 10/06/2023 01:15

All the best op

Original poster
Dieseldoll · 10/06/2023 01:30

Thanks everyone. She is an adult carer so you would assume understands about responsibilities there. She also thinks everything is fine as it’s legal. She looks about 16 so that’s probably how they initially were attracted but it’s beyond the point! I have brought him up with his dad since he was 4 yrs old and he just wants more freedom than is appropriate for his age. He now has the perfect solution - in his eyes - because he has somewhere to live and can stay out til all hours and go where he wants with who he wants. He even invited his brother round to a BBQ tomorrow so already thinks he’s playing ‘Dad’ with his new family. We’ve tried to tell him from all angles that it’s not ok including from the POV of the gf’s child. He can bring nothing to her life… but all we get is him putting the phone down. He has always been one to push the boundaries but this is beyond imaginable and we’ve not completely lost control. We’re worried he’ll get her pregnant too. He’s not got a clue because he’s 16 but she should know better! 😖

OP posts:
Original poster
Dieseldoll · 10/06/2023 01:32

sr92 · 10/06/2023 01:14

This may be reallyyyy drastic BUT, do you know any info about this girl? People care a lot about there image these days especially in the social media age. If it was me I would let EVERYONE know especially her works (if she has a job) exactly what she's doing that she has a 16 year old BOY living with her after only knowing him a couple of weeks. Regardless of if he's 16 in the law they say they can't do anything, but any adult over maybe 25 can look back and know they were vulnerable maybe and still a child at 16. I would guarantee public humiliation would end that relationship real soon

And they’ve posted their relationship on Facebook to show they’re ‘official’ so she’s not even trying to hide it! 🤦🏼‍♀️

OP posts:
Supertayto · 10/06/2023 02:33

Oh my goodness, this would make my head explode. The more you push him the more he will run to her. Teenagers love a dramatic love story, so you must try very hard not to give him one. Take a breath, invite them both round regularly and hope that the drudgery of parenting during the summer holidays absolutely breaks him. DO NOT offer or agree to any childcare for them. If he wants to play dad, then let him feel the full brunt of that. Is she working? Is her DDs father on the scene? It may all be ‘legal’ but I’m sure her child’s school will be quite uncomfortable when they get wind of the situation.

Supertayto · 10/06/2023 02:36

Also, if there’s any income disparity between your household and theirs (likely) I would breezily highlight it in terms of what he won’t be able to have now that he doesn’t live with you. Get his brother new trainers, book a holiday abroad, etc. Don’t draw the comparison too heavily, just wait for it to dawn on him slowly that his life is now very different.

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 10/06/2023 02:36

The more you push him the more he will run to her.

This. Advise him to use condoms (latex-free are available) but otherwise I don't think you can make him leave her. The more my DM nagged, the more I wanted to stay away.

BecausICan · 10/06/2023 02:58

I would take a step back and let him get on with it. Most 16 yr old boys I know are still very immature and hopefully it won’t last long.

Floppyelf · 10/06/2023 03:07

He had voluntarily left? Result! Reverse psychology is your friend here. Send them flowers. Pack up all his things and send them to his new address. No more age appropriate gifts for him… He is a stepdad now so no more games/ xbox etc. your family gift policy has changed so that anyone with parental responsibility does not get any gifts. Buy him a book about being a great stepdad. Do not pander to him.

Summer2424 · 10/06/2023 03:12

Hi @Dieseldoll omg i'm so sorry you're going through this xx
I agree with @Supertayto i know it's hard but just let them get on with it.
Hope your son is back home soon.

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 10/06/2023 03:13

Dieseldoll · 10/06/2023 01:32

And they’ve posted their relationship on Facebook to show they’re ‘official’ so she’s not even trying to hide it! 🤦🏼‍♀️

Show quote history

Is it obvious he's sixteen though? I couldn't imagine anyone I'd know at 28 thinking anything but how wrong and messed up this is.

AngelAurora · 10/06/2023 03:23

Let make his own mistakes as it the only way he is going to learn, or go round there and physically drag his arse out. I guarantee she has no childcare for when she is at work and is using him to do that. I would ring the Police again and make another report and ask for it to be logged.

If he is 16 you are just going to have to let him grow up real fast. She will probably be getting UC as carers are not well paid. Report her to the council and DWP

Guavafish1 · 10/06/2023 04:08

I think it's difficult, you can try social services and express your concern regarding grooming.

Overall there's not much you can do. I wonder if you step back a bit and cut any financial ties, he might return.

Whitegrenache · 10/06/2023 04:10

@TyneTeas i was just about to post those links

Guess from your user name you are a fellow north easterner

OP hope things work out

Toddlerteaplease · 10/06/2023 04:15

When she realises that she's having to financially support him as well. That will probably be the mid of it. Especially if she's in a low paid caring role.

70sTomboy · 10/06/2023 08:04

Invite them round, appearing to be behind his decision, discuss the child benefit for him, and will he be going back to school in September, as he is still a child? Labour the point that she has taken on a child.
The more you are against her the more determined he will be, so be 'supportive', make sure his stuff is all packed for him if he has his own room, what plans do you have for it?
Wait for penny to drop.

TreesandFish · 10/06/2023 09:47

Make sure you casually mention as well that she won't have the single discount for council tax.

In any case, I'm sure he'll be back by September when she stops needing holiday childcare. Make sure you are NOT available for visits during the summer, when he's burdened with looking after his step daughter

Original poster
Dieseldoll · 10/06/2023 10:14

AngelAurora · 10/06/2023 03:23

Let make his own mistakes as it the only way he is going to learn, or go round there and physically drag his arse out. I guarantee she has no childcare for when she is at work and is using him to do that. I would ring the Police again and make another report and ask for it to be logged.

If he is 16 you are just going to have to let him grow up real fast. She will probably be getting UC as carers are not well paid. Report her to the council and DWP

We’ve phoned the police again and they say they can’t go on the fact we think he’s been groomed (behaviour change is the biggest as well as moving in with her etc). They said it’s all just guess work and to try and get him to come home but they will not do anything. I told them we have a residence order stating where he lives between us and his actual mum and they said speak to a solicitor then as they won’t act on that either!

As for UC and DWP etc, she’s probably going to be entitled to MORE because he’s a child - wouldn’t you think? We don’t get UC so u don’t know. I know for council tax you have to declare anyone over 18.

He has taken all his clothes etc with him and we won’t back down on the PS5. Let’s see if she buys him one. He doesn’t have a job so I’m hoping she’ll not want to fund his lifestyle for very long.

We still pay his phone contract and bill but don’t want to cut that off in any way as then we’re cutting our only link to him. 😔

Thank you again for your advice everyone.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dieseldoll · 10/06/2023 10:15

Floppyelf · 10/06/2023 03:07

He had voluntarily left? Result! Reverse psychology is your friend here. Send them flowers. Pack up all his things and send them to his new address. No more age appropriate gifts for him… He is a stepdad now so no more games/ xbox etc. your family gift policy has changed so that anyone with parental responsibility does not get any gifts. Buy him a book about being a great stepdad. Do not pander to him.

Exactly! We have explained this to him in so many ways but it all falls on deaf ears because he has an instant family now…

OP posts: