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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Missed out of yearbook

77 replies

pinkpip100 · 26/05/2023 17:56

So this post could well be very outing, but I really needed to get it off my chest and I feel like if I talk to anyone about it I will start crying, which is totally ridiculous and something I really don't want to do.

DC18 had a year 13 leaver's assembly today and at the end collected their yearbook - brought it home and realised that they have actually not been included in it (every single other year 13 student has an entry, but their's has been missed out). It seems to be human error, school are very apologetic (I've spoken to head of 6th form). DC is saying they're not too bothered, but has a tendency to bottle things up and very rarely express any emotions. DC is neurodiverse and has had a really crappy time at 6th form, has ended their 2 years there with literally not a single friend and, although they do have a ticket for the prom, is unlikely to talk to anyone there and definitely won't be invited to any after parties. The whole thing makes me so sad anyway, and the yearbook disaster just feels like a complete kick in the teeth for them.
Not sure what the point of my post is, I suppose just to see if anyone else has a very lonely teen and feels really sad about it....

OP posts:
cansu · 27/05/2023 16:41

Loonylois
You might demand. They would say no. What then?

Peacepudding · 27/05/2023 19:03

Aaarrgg · 27/05/2023 15:15

It wouldn't "teach them a lesson." It would remove money from the budget which allows them to teach children.

Show quote history

Tough. If they can't get these things right then they shouldn't be doing them in the first place. Missing one student out especially a neurodiverse one who has struggled socially is just appalling.

CannotThinkOfABloodyName · 27/05/2023 19:07

cansu · 27/05/2023 16:40

All these posts saying the school must do whatever even if it costs them hundreds of pounds. The school do not have to do this nor does the OP have any lever to make them do so. It was an error. The OP has paid for a year book for her son. She is entitled to a refund or a reprint with her son included. That's it. Their isn't an entitlement to a remedy for hurt feelings. She bought a product and it wasn't right so she gets a refund or a replacement.

Legally you are right of course, but morally? Nah they need to bloody sort it out 🤬😡🤬

Bibbitybobbitty · 27/05/2023 19:07

This happened to a friend of DS. School had to reprint a copy for him & sent out a printed copy of his entry to all other students to add into theirs.

Frenchtoadt · 27/05/2023 19:15

Bibbitybobbitty · 27/05/2023 19:07

This happened to a friend of DS. School had to reprint a copy for him & sent out a printed copy of his entry to all other students to add into theirs.

This was going to be my suggestion

KnickerlessParsons · 27/05/2023 19:15

I don't think we even know where my DDs yearbook is.

In DD2's cohort, a boy in her class died. They didn't put his name on the leavers' hoodie. There was uproar amongst the pupils.

Aaarrgg · 27/05/2023 19:37

Peacepudding · 27/05/2023 19:03

Tough. If they can't get these things right then they shouldn't be doing them in the first place. Missing one student out especially a neurodiverse one who has struggled socially is just appalling.

Show quote history

So you'd take £1500* out of a school budget to fix it? What would you cut?

It is probably a member of admin staff who made this mistake. They likely are paid less than this per month.

*Estimated £15 per reprinted booklet x 100 students in the year group.

blackpearwhitelilies · 27/05/2023 19:40

Oh OP, I’m so sorry. That’s so hurtful. Your poor boy xxx

gavisconismyfriend · 27/05/2023 19:45

There’s much more likelihood DC will find their tribe at Uni. Maybe help them look up uni societies in advance to find the ones that match their interests and then they’ll know which ones to seek out at freshers’ fayre, rather than potentially feeling overwhelmed trying to navigate them when they get there.

Original poster
pinkpip100 · 27/05/2023 20:09

Thanks everyone, both for your support in terms of what's happened and also the reassurances that hopefully dc will find his tribe at uni. To the pp who's dc's name was missed off their leavers hoody, I'm really sorry to hear that a similar thing happened to them, it really isn't nice.
The school have checked and it definitely wasn't the printer's mistake - the yearbook committee was made up of student volunteers, the head of 6th form did check it before it was sent to be printed, but only looked for inappropriate content. Honestly all it would have taken was a quick count to make sure the number of entries matched the numbers on roll, not exactly rocket science.
Really, I know we just need to move on - and draw a line under the whole 6th form experience, I just wish I could guarantee dc that the next phase of his life will be easier. It's giving me some hope though that I've already spoken to the disability officer at the uni he hopes to be going to and there seems to be a lot of support available for ND students, which is definitely more than can be said for his current school.

OP posts:
Superdupes · 27/05/2023 20:45

That's just awful, I know not having friends seems like a complete disaster to most people but was it to him? Or does he prefer his own company? I know mine with ASD does but everyone's different. If he has hated his time perhaps you could suggest a celebratory burning of the stupid yearbook and a BBQ and maybe make it into something more light hearted and a way to move on from it. I wouldn't get into it any further with school unless he wanted you too - but I know my son wouldn't want me to - I'd get a refund and be glad that school is over.

On another note, does he want to go to the prom? Personally from what you've said I'd give it a wide birth and just start looking forward to the next stage in his life. If he wants to go then that's fine but it doesn't sound like he'll really enjoy it, could you do something as a family instead? I know mine wouldn't want to go but maybe he does?

N0tANOoDl3He4D · 27/05/2023 20:54

I feel disgusted, reading this. That's so sad. He's already leaving with no friends and now thanks to those year books he probably feels he doesn't exist.

He will find his tribe. Mine is leaving for college this summer and I know he will find others like him - he's also neurodivergent.

Tryringing · 27/05/2023 21:05

Hi @pinkpip100 really sorry to hear of the year book mix up. I have a hobby suggestion for your ds that could help him find his tribe. Church bellringing is a hobby that appeals to the ND. There are a lot of people with diagnosed and undiagnosed asd and some adhd people in the hobby. It is a hobby with rules, structure, order, things to learn, towers to visit etc. Many people create lists of what and where they have rung etc. There is no expectation of having a Christian faith or going to church services. After practice people go to the pub. Many universities have ringing societies. Just a thought.

Original poster
pinkpip100 · 27/05/2023 21:08

@Superdupes he says he wants to go to the prom, but I'm not sure if that's because he just feels that it's what he 'should' be doing (he's definitely one for following the rules!). I think i'll have another chat with him and make sure he's comfortable going.

OP posts:
Iwasafool · 27/05/2023 22:14

pinkpip100 · 27/05/2023 20:09

Thanks everyone, both for your support in terms of what's happened and also the reassurances that hopefully dc will find his tribe at uni. To the pp who's dc's name was missed off their leavers hoody, I'm really sorry to hear that a similar thing happened to them, it really isn't nice.
The school have checked and it definitely wasn't the printer's mistake - the yearbook committee was made up of student volunteers, the head of 6th form did check it before it was sent to be printed, but only looked for inappropriate content. Honestly all it would have taken was a quick count to make sure the number of entries matched the numbers on roll, not exactly rocket science.
Really, I know we just need to move on - and draw a line under the whole 6th form experience, I just wish I could guarantee dc that the next phase of his life will be easier. It's giving me some hope though that I've already spoken to the disability officer at the uni he hopes to be going to and there seems to be a lot of support available for ND students, which is definitely more than can be said for his current school.

Student volunteers, well the plot thickens. Do you think they have done this deliberately? A friends daughter did a joke piece for the year book but then handed the student volunteers the real one. They "some how" found the joke one but lost the real one and published the joke one, funny that as she wasn't popular. When I say joke one it wasn't very nice, she was feeling down and put her feelings on paper. Joke isn't really the right word but I'm tired and can't think of an appropriate one.

Never get it wrong for the popular kids do they.

Jabiru · 31/05/2023 10:36

This is so upsetting on so many levels. Nothing to add apart from a bit of solidarity.

waterrat · 31/05/2023 11:54

Op my daughter is autistic and I feel your pain hugely on this.

I suppose all you have available at this point is to tell them very clearly the hurt and sadness they have caused an ND child - and it may help marginally if he gets a really grovelling apology from all involved?

Ontheverge65 · 04/06/2023 05:37

Neurodiverse 17 1/2yo teen poor mental health now smoking weed several times a day. Spent early part of week trying to find support for mental health and weed. He is depressed and beyond anxious worsened by systematic and endemic racial abuse at his rural college

Nightmare as this age group has poor support from CAHMs and wait list are ridiculous. Complex early background now manifesting with increased anxiety, disengagement, no real friends(except weed smokers). Advised to destroy his bongs by drug support, he went mental. Its so stressful. We have provided a supportive and loving g home environment to ground and grow the best man possible. His current choices are devastating. My real fear is his self medicating until we can get proper help. Now considering tracking his phone as often breaks curfew and won't answer. Advice welcomed

Bumbers · 04/06/2023 05:57

I was missed out of my yearbook in exactly the same way. They printed a page for me and gave it to everyone, but not the same - i doubt anyone still has that extra scrap of paper.

But.... long term it will not be anything other than a vaguely irritating memory.

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 04/06/2023 06:51

Bumbers · 04/06/2023 05:57

I was missed out of my yearbook in exactly the same way. They printed a page for me and gave it to everyone, but not the same - i doubt anyone still has that extra scrap of paper.

But.... long term it will not be anything other than a vaguely irritating memory.

I think some would, unless the person missed out was a bully or something like that I'd have attached the page to my year book. I'd have thought it was really unfair for the person who missed out. I'm sure I'm not the only person who thinks this way, nor the only one who thought this way as a teen.

I'm so sorry OP, I know how much this would upset my DC. Maybe an extra page everyone gets would be more achievable idea than reprinting everyone's. They could print a correct one for him and then do the page for the other students.

Spirallingdownwards · 04/06/2023 07:08

I don't want to be a Debbie Downer in anyway or unkind and I know people are trying to be helpful and kind but please don't pin too much hope or suggest he will find his tribe at uni. If he has no friends at school nor at home he isn't miraculously going to morph into a person that suddenly does find friends. Hopefully there will be a society that matches any of his interests and he will find people to meet with to carry out that activity. I have it on so many occasions where people expect to make their life long friend at uni and they just don't.

Teabab · 04/06/2023 07:14

Oh no that's really sad :( the school should at the very minimum print him a new copy.

I had similar with our yearbook, I was the only person to have something really nasty written under my photo. Everyone else had things they had written about themselves but mine had evidently been changed by someone on the committee to something I'd been bullied about throughout school. I was really upset, embarrassed and felt humiliated at the time- it does pass, I don't even know where mine is now. I did have close friends at school but was also bullied throughout, at college and university though I found amazing friends and have a group of amazing ones now.

Wishing him all the best at uni, very sensible to reach out to see what support is available and I'm sure he will have a great time.

Teabab · 04/06/2023 07:16

Spirallingdownwards · 04/06/2023 07:08

I don't want to be a Debbie Downer in anyway or unkind and I know people are trying to be helpful and kind but please don't pin too much hope or suggest he will find his tribe at uni. If he has no friends at school nor at home he isn't miraculously going to morph into a person that suddenly does find friends. Hopefully there will be a society that matches any of his interests and he will find people to meet with to carry out that activity. I have it on so many occasions where people expect to make their life long friend at uni and they just don't.

This is true, but there tends to be more of a variety of people at university, you can usually find people who share similar interests and stuff more easily rather than in school where people are lumped together by where their parents live. Of course sadly not everyone does, but it's also not the case that school defines how your relationships will be forevermore.

Original poster
pinkpip100 · 04/06/2023 16:53

Thanks all. Dc has asked me not to take it any further, school are going to print a copy just for him and he says that is enough. He really doesn't want me to make any sort of "fuss" - which is really hard, as I am still so upset for him and really think school should be doing more - but I know I need to respect his wishes on this.
@Spirallingdownwards - it's not that he isn't capable of making friends, he had a close (small) group of friends at secondary school, but that all seemed to fall away at sixth form and he hasn't made any new ones. Your post has definitely fed into my worries for him, as I am very aware that going to uni isn't going to be a magic wand and I am really concerned about him being 4 hours away from home with no friends at all. He does really want friends, just seems to find making them so very hard...

OP posts:
CannotThinkOfABloodyName · 05/06/2023 10:51

Well if that’s what he wants, good for him. Draw a line under it and move on.

I think the trick at uni is to join as many clubs/societies etc as possible and also to give it time, my DD was making new friends months after she started.
(I’m also anxious for my DS who is starting uni this autumn, he’s very shy and not a party animal at all. I hope he can find some like-minded friends).
Good luck to your DS @pinkpip100