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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Son wants girlfriend to sleep over - I haven’t met her yet. AIBU?

72 replies

TeaandLemonDrizzle · 20/05/2023 16:57

Hello,

My 19 year old son (and eldest child) announced to me that he’d been seeing a girl a couple of weeks ago. They both have part time jobs at the same place. He is going to university in September (but will be able to come home at weekends) and she is 17 and in her first year at college doing A-levels. He’s already had a lecture about being careful! I don’t want either of them to end up off their current career track etc. and I certainly don’t want to be a grandmother yet.

I am going through a divorce with his dad and my son stays with his father mostly but had asked for his girlfriend to come round tomorrow to meet me. I cleaned the house from top to bottom! He has now announced she is staying over so I said I wasn’t comfortable with that as I haven’t actually met her yet.

I don’t want to be a prude but AIBU?

OP posts:

Hairday · 20/05/2023 22:10

TomatoSandwiches · 20/05/2023 21:08

It is a boundary she can make, I certainly did when I was dating, if a boyfriend didn't want to introduce me I would insist or stop going out with them.

Show quote history

Would you also think a boy was brazen if he came to a house when invited?

Inkypot · 20/05/2023 22:17

@Hairday it's brazen whether boy or girl. To just be fine with rocking up to a new boyfriend or girlfriend's parents' home and staying the night having never met them before, yeah that is bloody bold by anyone's logic really.

DiscoBeat · 20/05/2023 22:21

Well he's 19 and has asked, which was considerate. I can't see why not.

Restinggoddess · 20/05/2023 22:23

Your house, your rules

Original poster

TeaandLemonDrizzle · 21/05/2023 07:34

Thankfully, she isn’t staying. She is coming over to meet us and they’re going to watch a movie (hmmm). I’ll make them watch it downstairs 🙂.

OP posts:

Inkypot · 21/05/2023 07:35

TeaandLemonDrizzle · 21/05/2023 07:34

Thankfully, she isn’t staying. She is coming over to meet us and they’re going to watch a movie (hmmm). I’ll make them watch it downstairs 🙂.

That sounds like a good compromise. Hope it goes well

Augend23 · 21/05/2023 07:38

I'm glad she isn't staying this time OP, as that's clearly easier for you.

However, when I was at uni my boyfriend used to come and stay in the holidays. My parents hadn't met him before that (nor indeed other friends who appeared at various times through the holidays) so if you're expecting your son to be back for the whole holidays during uni (rather than the odd week or two) then it might be worth thinking about what you'd do in that situation.

Silvergoldandglitter · 21/05/2023 08:18

We have a 3 month rule in our house before people are allowed to stay over and dss is 25.

Rainbowqueeen · 21/05/2023 08:27

@Silvergoldandglitter 6 month rule in mine!

Id set a rule that works for you OP. Then you don’t need to keep having this discussion.

TomatoSandwiches · 21/05/2023 13:14

Hairday · 20/05/2023 22:10

Would you also think a boy was brazen if he came to a house when invited?

Show quote history

I would think he was rude had poor character and assume he was slightly embarrassed by being associated with his girlfriend.

At the end of the day I feel if you are old/mature enough to start a physical relationship with someone you should be mature enough to introduce yourself or introduce your partner to the people that love in the home you hope to stay over at, whether you are male or female.

BrokenWing · 21/05/2023 14:24

ds(19) brought a "stranger" home last night 🙈 (he knows her from school). She very unexpectedly and awkwardly appeared, dressed for clubbing, and quickly exited at 10am this morning while we stood there in our dressing gowns gobsmacked but trying to act all casual! 🤣

Story is, and (as it is a first/one off/he was very indignant when I suggested otherwise) I am inclined to believe him, 6 of them shared a taxi back to our town (lots in his age group go out in another town 20 miles from home and it is very usual for them to share with anyone heading back at the same time), and she was one of the last to be dropped off, had forgotten her house key and didn't want to knock her parents up at 3am. They slept on his bed fully clothed until 10am and she then got a taxi to take her home.

Bromptotoo · 20/06/2023 17:39

TeaandLemonDrizzle · 21/05/2023 07:34

Thankfully, she isn’t staying. She is coming over to meet us and they’re going to watch a movie (hmmm). I’ll make them watch it downstairs 🙂.

That would be my line. Bring her over for a meal and introductions etc. On that occasion she's not staying.

Once you know her then fine. As others have said on similar threads it's better they 'get it together' at one of their homes than in a barn, hedgebottom or one of their cars.

I'd expect that anybody I might meet crossing the landing in our respective nightwear was known to me.

Imnoonesfool · 20/06/2023 18:22

My son is 25 and I still stipulate that if he wants someone to stay over I have to have met them first.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 20/06/2023 19:24

TeaandLemonDrizzle · 20/05/2023 17:21

I don’t have an issue with her staying over but my issue is I have never met her. I wasn’t expecting her staying over on day 1 making both myself and my shy daughter feel uncomfortable.

Would you feel the same if he had a male friend visiting for a sleepover?

My biggest concern is that the girlfriend is a child, even though she is over the age of consent, if a child was staying over at my house I'd want to make sure the parents were ok with it, so I would ask to speak with the parents first before saying yes she can stay.

Misspiggy1012 · 24/07/2023 19:25

Please that's a bit much your assuming that the girl will part because she's staying over night and that's why kids feel pressured to do things before there time. I stayed in with my first boy friend three months before I actually went all the way. Head and gob in the gutter.

Misspiggy1012 · 24/07/2023 19:35

Just because she's staying over don't mean that they will be going all the way. Three months in same bed before I let my first boyfriend go all the way. I do feel like you need to have a conversation with your child and say I would like you to be seeing her for a while before she spends a night with you under my roof invite her for a meal and get to know what your son likes about her. Say to her you can think of me a a prude if you like but she's only 14 and one doesn't know you two doesn't need to be learning about everything in one night. So if and when I do let you stay please to be very discreet and respectful for us and clean up after yourselves. A few months later he might have moved on before she's even had the chance to sleep over. I don't think the dad will be letting it happen just in one night either. Tell them to get to know eachother first. That's all.

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 25/07/2023 09:22

Does your DS often bring home people you can't like or trust?
If you can trust him to be a good judge of who will fit in at home- then let her stay. He is hoping you will like her.

Why did you clean the house from top to bottom after hearing this 17 year old would be visiting? Was it to impress her with your cleanliness (she probably wouldn't notice unless the place was unusually smelly and dirty) or to make her welcome and so please your son? (Letting her stay would probably have more effect.)

Carol52 · 14/09/2023 10:37

I agree with you. A lot of people seem to think once they are over 16 let them do what they want. As a parent you still need to have rules and try and guide them. I wonder what her parents think she is only 17z go with your gut feeling.

irregularegular · 14/09/2023 10:55

YABU cleaning the house from top to bottom in anticipation!

My son is also 19. He is at University and during the last term started going out with a girl of the same age. She came to stay with us for 10 days during the summer and stayed in his room (with a single bed). I did offer another room, but think they only used it when she wasn't feeling well at one point. To be honest, I didn't really give it a second thought, even though they'd only been together a few weeks and I hadn't met her (though DH had). She had come a long way, had no choice but to stay over with us given the distance (though it needn't have been quite that long!) and I wasn't about to get over-involved with the sleeping arrangements of two 19 year olds.

So I think you are probably being a bit unreasonable. On the other hand, I may have felt a bit differently if she was local so that staying over was not a logistical necessity, but an end in itself!

momtoboys · 17/11/2023 15:53

You are not being unreasonable.

Lavender14 · 17/11/2023 15:56

Your house your rules op. I think it's fair to want to meet her a few times before she starts staying overnight in your house though I'm sure it'll be fine really. Why not suggest to your ds that you do some things together like she comes for dinner a few times and you do a board game pizza night etc so you can get to know her a bit better and then you won't mind her staying if it goes well. That way he knows it's not a complete no, but also that you're really keen to get to know her.

Mintesso · 17/11/2023 17:10

Irrespective of whether or not you’re comfortable with your son shagging in your house (and I guarantee that he will if he hasn’t already, so you might as well not object in general), it’s very rude of him to botb you and his girlfriend to ignore the correct way to introduce a new partner to his mum. And that isn’t ‘this is X she’s staying here tonight’. Meeting the boyfriend’s mum ought to feel like a big thing to her too! He should invite her round for a meal then take her home, or take you both out for a meal.

If after the forst meeting you and the girlfriend (and your DD!) are comfortable with each other then maybe she can start staying over. But not on day one.

He’s not too old to have you remind him of good manners.

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