14 dd has no confidence, is a doormat and shy. What do I do?

[ChocolateConnoisseur]

Hi all,
My dd1, 14 is very self concious, has no confidence and is a doormat. She is also very shy and is on the edge of her friendship group. She has also struggled with anxiety. She's at least 5,9 and thinks she's fat. She isn't, she is broader than everyone else but thats it. I just don't know what to do. She is lovely and has good grades and all that.
Help greatly appreciated.
TIA

Can you help her find a hobby that she's good at, will build her confidence and give her the opportunity to meet more like minded people? Sounds like she doesn't really fit in where she is and is being overshadowed by with my daughters would call 'pick me' girls. She sounds like a good kid, she'll find her way I'm sure

Try rowing, enroll her In a summer learn to row camp

I really feel for her, it sounds as though she hasn't really found her tribe yet.

I would try to compliment her and make sure you don't speak negatively about your body.

Maybe see if she'll go swimming or do Yoga with you to give her a bit of time away from SM and get her active.

A Mighty Girl has a few suggestions of books on confidence which might help too

Army cadets, air cadets, Explorer Scouts?

Rowing, climbing, SUPaddleboarding.

Try a really different activity, preferably something social to give her another source of potential friends. Even the cooler girls in DC1s school friendship group are impressed when she has done something with Explorers (long trek, wild camping) at the weekend rather than spending it scrolling SM

Hi @ChocolateConnoisseur

You sound like a good mum , your daughter has good fortune, to have in life,

I think allways be your daughter cheer leader, and have her back,

I think too, that your daughter is or could be old enough for some volunteering opportunities out there,

does she like nature,?
what about helping out in a nature reserve sometimes, for eg I have done volunteering for Bird life protection charity,
she could help out to count how many butterfly's 🦋 are there, for a uk based surveys,

Vist a local or further afield a nature reserve to find out about wild mushrooms , the edible ones and the nasty poisonous ones , that is essential to avoid eating,as toxic, can kill,

She can go on litter picks with group of people, to look after beach or and nature reserves ect

Look into hobbies/interests she either likes or and she is curious about,
explorer about her joining these or having just a taster session, as in just finding out if she likes this particular activity or not,

Give it more than one session to see if its really something she get into though,
at least a few sessions,

She could join a martial arts displine class for youth ,

Also girl guides is another good one too,

Also Scouts nowadays, I think girls can join asell as boys obviously.

Also beneficial for your daughter to have interests she could do at home aswell social ones..

Also encourage her to learn explore new things in a way that is safe good beneficial for her,

encourage cooking skills, ability to look question things so have gain ability to gain cofindence ect..

Also girl guides is another good one too

I wouldn't be comfortable with my DD being a member if the Guides. Scouts have far more robust safeguarding measures in place.

Get her into a hobby where she can make new friends if you can.

@SiouxsieSiouxStiletto

How do you know scouts have more robust safeguarding welfare guidelines measures then?
Can you elaborate on this or is it just hearsay or something then?

I attended Girl guides for a while admittedly a long time ago in the mid 80s no problem whatsoever, I was sorry I stopped going after my mother who adopted me unfortunately passing death..

I have heard anything sinister about girl guides movement in regard of child safety safeguarding ect all?

On the other hand boys scouts in the past ect..
In certain instances of predatory behaviour towards children,

not allways Obviously, !
there is much more vigorous chid safety awareness, safeguarding measures across the board now , than back in the past .

@SiouxsieSiouxStiletto
sorry typo mistake omissions, I forgot to say
I have not heard anything sinister about Girl guide movement at all in this regards of child safety welfare, child safe guarding measures at all,

to be straight with you, I was eye rolling your post and thinking there is allways one on any given mumsnet post who will be Contradictory on the most flimsy of evidence or just for Troll like, being Controversial shock thrill value on a popular social media mumsnet website as mumsnet...

Another typo omission mistake
oops sorry it was obviously "child" not chid

I'm sorry about your DM @Goodread1

I take it from the questions about Girl Guiding that don't read the Feminism Board?

If you want to find out a bit more about why lots of MNers and parents have concerns about GG, just google MN Gitl Guiding. Lots and lots of threads will come up

@SiouxsieSiouxStiletto
Thank you so much for your kind thoughtful message, on regards of my mother passing ect.

It's quite real strange that only now finding out there has been a chequered past with Girl Guides movement aswell as others well established institutions ect,

Will have a look . !

Thank you all so much for your help. Will try these out

One of my nieces , who was also taller and wider than her friends , (and sister) and felt it a bit, got into kick boxing, it gave her a lot of confidence in her body and what she could do which also transferred into more general confidence in herself.

My (almost 12) granddaughter is similar. She does rugby (season finished until Sept), football, swimming and Scouts.

My daughter is similar. I would like to get her into doing something but she just won't. Literally refuses. She's very creative and talented artistically and there's a free teen art club fairly close - my sister takes my 6 year old niece to the little kids' version and says it's fantastic and the older kids often stay to help out the little ones, which my DD would be great at, she likes kids and is good with them (babysits for her little brother and for her cousins). However, suggestions of art club, sport, anything are met with point blank refusal.

Sorry to hijack OP - anyone know how to get a shy teen girl to do confidence building activities short of dragging her there? I'm at a loss.

If she's prepared to pitch in and turn up reliably, many charity shops would be delighted to have her every Saturday morning, or Sunday afternoon, or whenever suits. Some of our best volunteers started as 14 year olds. Gives them experience of dealing with all sorts of people, not just other teenagers.

If she was my daughter I would just leave her be, Of course, make suggestions of ideas that she might like to try, but accept that she may not be interested. She’s 14, does she have a best friend, who she could go shopping with, go for lunch with? I was very shy as a young teen, but as the years moved on I gained a lot of confidence. I am sure your DD will too as she matures. Good luck.

Look into drama groups or classes or streetdance classes. I know it sounds like you'd have to be very confident to go but that's not the case, these clubs can transform life for quiet shy teens, honestly the tutors are incredible at what they do. I've seen 13 year olds that wouldn't say boo to a goose, 6 months later taking part in dance offs and/or stage production.

Girl guides is a single gender organisation. On a camp the OPs daughter could find herself sharing a tent with a 14 year old biological male he says he feels like a girl.

She would not have a choice and her parents would not be told.

That is actual policy.

https://www.girlguiding.org.uk/information-for-volunteers/running-your-unit/including-all/supporting-trans-members/supporting-trans-young-members/

if you can afford it then I would highly recommend a private course of teen coaching/CBT.

my niece had an accident just before Covid that meant she couldn’t go to school which then lead into lock down and in that time her friendship group moved on without her. The accident meant she couldn’t partake in her sport. It led to isolation, crashing confidence from someone that had always been popular and sporty. It was terrible to watch she had no confidence to even message a friend to ask to do something in case they said yes ‘as a joke’ or said yes ‘because they felt they had to’. This then took over every aspect of her life, she pretty much stopped doing anything because she be ame so self conscious, wouldn’t answer questions in class, wouldn’t take part in family games etc as wanted no attention on her at all

this started to then manifest itself in intrusive thoughts. Thankfully she reached out for help to a teacher and my sister found a fantastic lady who did 12 sessions with my niece. Gave her lots of things to work on, little steps but massive gains.

she is a changed girl now, has a really lovely new friendship group, takes part in lots of activities and really pushes herself continually to not allow those doubts creep in again. It’s been gradual but she is now really confident again.

I genuinely don’t think this would have happened without help as it was escalating quite rapidly.

good luck xx

I appreciate my nieces case was more extreme but the coaching aspect was fantastic, unfortunately if we had tried to make her do activities ourselves it wouldn’t have happened but with the help of her coach (who wasn’t us) she was more receptive.

I'd go through some CBT self-acceptance worksheets with her and also encourage some positive thinking. Not the 'I'm perfect' or 'Today I will receive millions of pounds' nonsense but the rational kind where you ask yourself: What is the benefit to me of thinking I'm not good enough? What is the downside? And then what might be the benefit to me of thinking I am fine as I am? If I woke up thinking I m fine as I am and started behaving that way, what would be the difference? How would I feel?

There are also some good 'ladder' thoughts - ie stages towards self confidence that can be very helpful, such as' Right now I feel fat and lack self confidence, but I accept that I would prefer to have more positive thoughts about myself and I recognise that some people do and that would be a good attitude to try to develop so I will keep an open mind and maybe give some affirmations a go.'

Affirmations are very like fitness training - you need to do them every day for at least six weeks - you feel stupid and self conscious - just like you do if you join a gym when you are overweight and unfit, but gradually they become normal and one day you wake up and realise you believe them. You can listen to some online and look for ones that don;t say 'I am perfect or I am the best but say, I like myself, I accept myself as I am, who I am is fine.

Maybe get hold of some CBT self acceptance and self confidence workbooks for teens and do them with her. Show her photos of highly successful people with positive body images who have similar or more exaggerated body shapes to hers - from sports women to Lizzo. Encourage her to recognise the world is made up of all sorts of body types and personality types and unless they are cruel, all of them are desirable and acceptable. It's fine to be tall, well built and shy. Victoria Wood made a fortune from that combination. (But look for people nearer her age)

Also maybe take her for a bit of a make over - new hair cut and some clothes that really suit her shape and give her a bit of a style of her own that she really likes.

The best thing my dad ever did for me, when I was a cripplingly shy teen with no friends at school, was to say, Get up and get dressed' one Saturday morning then walked me down to a local youth group and dumped me there saying I wasn't allowed to come home until it was over. I found friends there and it helped with confidence.

I don't suggest you are this tough but I do think sometimes we have to push our DC by saying, You don't have to want to, but you are doing this for three sessions. You are in a rut and it's my job as a mum to help you out of it. If after three sessions you hate it, you never have to go back.

She's doesn't really have a best friend tbh - she (the covid year 6 leaver cohort) was in the same primary class for 6 years then high school put her with other kids from her primary but not her class. She drifted from her old friends and made some new bit struggles and feels on the edge of all groups. I'd leave her alone but honestly I don't think it healthy. All half term she's only left her bedroom for meals and has been fine with us all, as in good fun and not grumpy, but she's not moving, not getting fresh air and glued to a screen 😥