Page 2 | 14 dd has no confidence, is a doormat and shy. What do I do?

ChocolateConnoisseur · 2023-05-19T09:06:35+00:00

Hi all, My dd1, 14 is very self concious, has no confidence and is a doormat. She is also very shy and is on the edge of her friendship group. She has also struggled with anxiety. She's at least 5,9 and thinks she's fat. She isn't, she is broader than everyone else but thats it. I just don't know what to do. She is lovely and has good grades and all that. Help greatly appreciated. TIA

manontroppo · 01/06/2023 08:47

mehtivation · 01/06/2023 08:31

She's doesn't really have a best friend tbh - she (the covid year 6 leaver cohort) was in the same primary class for 6 years then high school put her with other kids from her primary but not her class. She drifted from her old friends and made some new bit struggles and feels on the edge of all groups. I'd leave her alone but honestly I don't think it healthy. All half term she's only left her bedroom for meals and has been fine with us all, as in good fun and not grumpy, but she's not moving, not getting fresh air and glued to a screen 😥

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You need to get her off the screens and out of the house. You wouldn’t keep a dog in a crate for the entire day, just letting them out for meals, so why do you let your daughter get away with it? And to some extent, social interactions are like a muscle - use it or lose it. She’s not going to get better friendships stuck inside with no interactions.

Time for some tough love. Choice of 2 activities, and she has to stick with one for some predetermined amount of time.

Bettyneptune · 03/06/2023 09:04

mehtivation · 01/06/2023 08:31

She's doesn't really have a best friend tbh - she (the covid year 6 leaver cohort) was in the same primary class for 6 years then high school put her with other kids from her primary but not her class. She drifted from her old friends and made some new bit struggles and feels on the edge of all groups. I'd leave her alone but honestly I don't think it healthy. All half term she's only left her bedroom for meals and has been fine with us all, as in good fun and not grumpy, but she's not moving, not getting fresh air and glued to a screen 😥

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Your daughter sounds just like mine, she also missed a lot of school interaction due to covid lockdown.

She's 13 and has 1 good friend and she's just found out this friend is moving away and she's panicking about being at school without her. I feel so bad for her , I worry alot.

I asked my daughter why she finds it hard to speak to people her age (she's literally nearly mute around kids yet at gome she chats) and she says she overthinks things ie they won't like her.

It's horrible isn't it worrying about them.

I'm trying to find ways to help, my daughter like yours would be happy to stay in all day everyday. I think even when she's out she's desperate to get home.

I might look at volunteering (although I know she wouldn't want to go), we are also just going to make an effort to get out the house and maybe just kick a ball about or something.

Shame you daughter doesn't know my daughter as they are very much alike !

mehtivation · 03/06/2023 17:08

It's so hard, isn't it Betty? She's so self conscious- a haircut today nearly finished her off

NeverendingCircus · 03/06/2023 17:18

@Bettyneptune - that overthinking/thinking people won't like her is helped a lot by CBT techniques. DS overcame really severe social anxiety using CBT and the other day he told me he doesn't have it at all any more. Two years ago he was just as you describe your DD. Unable to talk to people in case they didn't like him, overthinking everything he might say etc.

Bettyneptune · 04/06/2023 10:46

NeverendingCircus · 03/06/2023 17:18

@Bettyneptune - that overthinking/thinking people won't like her is helped a lot by CBT techniques. DS overcame really severe social anxiety using CBT and the other day he told me he doesn't have it at all any more. Two years ago he was just as you describe your DD. Unable to talk to people in case they didn't like him, overthinking everything he might say etc.

Thank you SO much, looking for therapists in my area now to help her. So pleased it worked for your son, thank you x