Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

My 14 year old son has been dropped by friends

40 replies

newmumbythesea · 15/05/2023 19:47

My 14 year old son has been dropped by his friendship group and I don’t know what to do. He always had a wide group of friends and plays in a local football team, an academy football team and his school football team so is always super busy. His friends have always been from the football teams as there is a lot of crossover. He was in the “popular” group which I knew was a risk as they always seem to be the meanest but they seemed nice and we know all the parents through car lift shares to games and match sidelines which has been going on for years. It’s now come to light that they dropped him in November (yes, 6 month months ago but we thought he was tired from all the football!) - overnight they stopped inviting him out (there were sleepovers every weekend), took him out of all group chats and stopped playing with him on the Xbox. He has no idea why. I suspect the leader of the group did it and has done it to a handful of others too. I’ve tried talking to the parents but they sympathise and nothing changes (this has upset us too as some of them are good friends). My son says they are still one group at football and school - he’s just been cut off socially. The football season has now come to an end and we live at the beach when all the boys spend their days there in good weather and I am dreading the next few months. The other boys who were cut off joined the local gym but the gym has stopped 14 year old boys joining now so he can’t join them either. I want to talk to the school but my husband says we can’t as it could make it worse and we would find it incredibly difficult to move groups due to the football etc. I’m at a loss what to do and I’m heartbroken. I know it’s common at this age so wondered if anyone else been through this and could give any advice?

OP posts:

Nochangeagain · 15/05/2023 22:13

Hi. Sorry to hear this has happened. The same thing happened to my DD. It destroyed her confidence to the extent that she has now been referred for counselling.

This exclusion is bullying and your DS will be feeling rejected, hurt and isolated. He probably hasn't done anything wrong but this is serious and needs to move on ASAP before his self confidence is severely damaged.

There is no point trying to force a friendship with the boys who excluded him- he will never feel comfortable with them and they'll do it again. For his self esteem I would advise him to try to find new friends in school. It's really hard but better than being with people who are bullying him.

I don't think you should speak to the parents about it, they will only minimise what their kids have done and ultimately nothing will change - they are 14 and parents don't have much control. It could make matters worse.

Maybe he could join different clubs in or outside school? Martial arts or water sports?

Is there no way you can convince the gym to let him join? And surely these other boys could meet up outside the gym or at least do gaming? My DD's issue was that other friends she managed to make were flaky and let her down so she felt completely isolated. It's been absolutely awful but things do get better and he will hopefully come out stronger. Good luck

memenotea · 15/05/2023 22:14

No advice I’m afraid but I really sympathise. Teenager friend groups are joys hideous. Surely talking to the school can’t make things any worse? Could your son reach out to one of the ex friends who is less involved in the drama? Try to find out what happened? Though I suspect you are right about the leader orchestrating it.
Could he talk to the boys who joined the gym, even though he can’t join himself? Though I’d be tempted to say he’s 16 and try and get him in!
Are there any camps he can go on over summer? Could he join a youth group like cadets even if it’s just to keep busy for the summer?
Sorry, rather crap advice but wanted to try to help!

Original poster

newmumbythesea · 15/05/2023 22:44

Sorry this happened to your DS too - it’s so hard isn’t it. His confidence has definitely been knocked and I fear he may need counselling too. I still can’t believe he hid it from us for so long. He genuinely thought they would ask him back as they did to others (although then kicked them out again!) I’ve talked to him about what a ridiculous idea that was and he’s now accepted it. We’re trying to push him towards some other football boys but he gets angry when we intervene as his confidence has taken such a knock. I’m really hoping the gym opens up to 14 year olds again - we have got these boys over a couple of times but they’re always at football or the gym.

OP posts:

Flufs · 15/05/2023 23:01

Can he invite the gym boys to the beach?

CoronationKicking · 15/05/2023 23:16

Speak to the gym, tell them what has happened and see what they say. Would the other boys try a boxing gym? They'd take him in

Original poster

newmumbythesea · 15/05/2023 23:43

Yes, we were talking about doing this - think we will try and get him in. Got nothing to lose. The confidence and pride knock has left them all useless at inviting each other out socially. Six of them are in a group for the DoE expedition - 3 are in the group (1 is the leader(!)) and 3 have been kicked out so that’s going to go well. He’s adamant that’s the group and it’s not changing.

OP posts:

Moonchild18 · 16/05/2023 00:14

Kids can be brutal for no reason nowadays, we had bullies when i was at school but nothing to the extent they do now, i have 3 kids at secondary school and have already had 2 incidents with bullies which have required police involvement.

Personally I would encourage the friendship with the lads from the gym, invite them round for sleepovers, gaming etc hopefully they'll form their own friendship group without the twats that excluded them in the first place.

Peterpiperpickedapeckof · 16/05/2023 06:52

This happened to me at this age and it was awful. Really shattered my confidence - my parents moved me to a different school but I don’t think that was the answer. I’m not sure what would have been. I think get him some counselling and get the school
involved. take it seriously. Very sorry for your lad

Lifeswhatyoumakeit73 · 16/05/2023 07:00

This has happened to my son too at 15- it’s brutal but I think it’s an age where they are growing and changing and friendships do shift too. I am not sure I would define it as bullying as such - unfortunately I can’t make the boys be friends with my son & that would make it worse. I am good friends with the mums though which makes it hard.

My son has been very upset but we are trying to encourage him to find new mates at school. I am hoping college will be easier for him - I almost dread the weekends when he is often on his own.

TheaBrandt · 16/05/2023 07:05

Can he reach out to other lads and form a new group? This happened to dd2 at 13. The group not only kicked her out but spread mad rumours so no one else would be friends with her. It was a tough time for our family - alone at lunch and walking home etc . Even her teacher noticed and told her to stay strong. She forbade us approaching the school.

Happy ending though she formed a new group and is now the most popular girl in town. The old gang are losers and desperate to join in…sucks for them

HappiDaze · 16/05/2023 07:07

Would it help if he moved schools ?

My DD moved schools and her life changed for the better on all levels

HappiDaze · 16/05/2023 07:09

She found out recently that a lot of the trouble came from a lie a 'friend' recently admitted to because she was jealous of my DD

This has now blown up in the other girls face but the damage to my DD was dreadful and ruined her life for a while and still has aftershock effects

HappiDaze · 16/05/2023 07:11

No one would listen to my DD or even tell her what she had supposedly done

She was constantly uninvited to parties etc because those people were told if my DD was invited they'd no longer be invited to events

It was horrendous

Children can be vile and completely misguided all from one jealous girls lie

TheaBrandt · 16/05/2023 07:13

Exactly the same Happi. The “friend” was very jealous of dd2. She made up crazy libellous mental lies about our family. She later admitted she did it as she was jealous and bored. As a staunch feminist I always believe girls etc but this experience really shook me I pity any lad that comes into that nutters orbit.

HappiDaze · 16/05/2023 07:13

The only good thing is that her lies came to light my DD has a fantastically close knit group of friends and no one trusts the mean girl because of course she has done similar things to others

HappiDaze · 16/05/2023 07:15

Yes DD knows of a girl who lied about being sexually attacked by a boy who's life was ruined for ages and all his close friends dropped him

She has since admitted she lied

But of course the damage is done

TheaBrandt · 16/05/2023 07:16

It has changed Dd forever. She is genuinely an open warm kind girl and that anyone least of all a friend could betray her like this was a harsh lesson. She was utterly blindsided by it. She’s always careful now. She’s the centre of a huge popular jolly group but is still careful.

HappiDaze · 16/05/2023 07:17

Fortunately the older they get they do get a bit wiser to all the lies and crap

All I could say is you'll be at 6th form soon then Uni and all this will be left behind as you move on in life but of course that no help really when you're destroyed inside

TheaBrandt · 16/05/2023 07:18

Yeah this girl is in the social wilderness. Irrelevant and never mentioned. Kids aren’t daft they clock on to this behaviour and don’t want to be any part of it.

HappiDaze · 16/05/2023 07:19

@TheaBrandt it's just awful isn't it especially when they're sobbing because they're forced to be at home alone whilst all their friends have been invited out to parties they're not going to say no to and have even begged for DD to be allowed to go along only to be told I'm not allowed to invite her ?!??

HappiDaze · 16/05/2023 07:20

Yes I'm pleased too that this awful girl is also more in the wilderness due to her behaviour

HappiDaze · 16/05/2023 07:22

My DD like yours is also kind and funny so her good friends did stick by her and get her through this once she moved school

caringcarer · 16/05/2023 07:28

I think your son's best bet is too form a new friendship group with boys at gym. Even if he can't go to the gym I'd be telling him to arrange to meet up with them at the beach and online for gaming. Is he a good swimmer? Could he join a swim team. My nephew had similar strangely enough also at a seaside town. He joined a swim team and got friendly with those team mates. He also did his lifesaving qualification and landed a well paying part time job as a lifeguard at 16 in the summer holidays before his A levels.

herbygarden · 16/05/2023 07:56

Could you explain the situation quietly to the gym manager and see if they would make an exception for your son? I think if the manager was a parent they would sympathise if they had any flexibility with the policy!

BattingDown · 16/05/2023 08:21

It’s awful, happened to my sister when we were teens. It sounds like he needs a summer sport to distract him and meet new people? What about cricket or tennis? Or could you afford for him to do surfing or SUP? Also if you could afford it a week or two at a residential summer camp would be great for rebuilding his confidence.

Flip

1 2